Dreams are nice. Puppies are nice. Living life is pretty up there too.

Being woken up by someone dropping you onto a hard wooden floor is not very pleasant. It didn't stir my warm and fuzzies when it happened either.

"Ouch! What was that for, you crazy old hag?" I growled, partially praising my new vocal capacities and partially just annoyed. The caretaker simply grinned vindictively like she had single handedly saved the whole village with her stunt.

I have no idea what gave her the idea, but three year olds don't make the best bouncy balls for a reason! Even that grin on her face seemed perfectly crafted to annoy me.

I was a fairly tolerant man-toddler. I could handle being shoved into the body of an infant. Knowing that I was merely a character in a fiction I had read once upon a time was also acceptable. I could handle being suddenly ignored by basically everyone, as my mature mind didn't really mind so long as I could finally talk.

The fact that all the so called adults readily believed that I was some kind of unholy monster was something I could not handle.

Blearily, I grumbled about rotten adults as I stomped down the hallways of the orphanage. I had been here for almost three whole years, and I'm already sick of it. However, I have no idea how the original Naruto convinced the Hokage to give him his own apartment.

It just doesn't make any sense. Sure, I get that Hiruzen is probably making up for some gratitude from my dad, but how does that compute to buying an apartment for a toddler? Are all Shinobi crazy or something?

Still, I wasn't completely without care as I slowly reached an empty corridor, I quickly placed my knife into my mouth and split. My vision shot into double, and I had to stop the roiling nausea when my phantasmal self flew out into the village at a speed my logical side stared at and blew bubbles of incoherence. I found a nondescript alleyway to suddenly appear in while I set out to do what I came here for.

I'm a man, or toddler, on a mission.

Following my minor existential crisis of self whenever I found out I was living in some kind of manga, I had slowly come to terms with my predicament. All it took was to convince myself that parallel dimensions were a thing, and I was just in one really weird one. I might have too hastily agreed with that line of thought as the alternative was that I had killed a newborn before he had even met his parents.

My parents. They were my parents, a selfish thought said. They died for me.

I don't think I'm getting much better…

It was only after I had calmed down, and was thrown down by a particularly ruthless caretaker, that I knew one facet of Naruto Uzumaki. I knew one path he took, and I had probably already changed it. That meant whatever I knew about the original Naruto would only help me so far. And there was only so much that I actually remembered from the manga and some anime that I had watched, but trying to remember something that I had seen several years ago was an effort that spanned my tumultuous two and a half years in the orphanage.

I kept a small notebook which I had written all the little details I had remembered from the plot of Naruto the second I could, but, considering I only remembered to the part where Sarutobi Hiruzen died, it wasn't much. Still, every little bit helped.

It was also then that I realized that that lady who had kept visiting me was, in fact, a man. And the Hokage. Who would've known? I certainly will never tell him my mistake on the odd days that he visited the orphanage. Well, in my defence, he was wearing a very misleading dress, err, robe thing...

The fact that I finally knew who he was cleared up the lingering questions as to why I felt sad when I heard his name. It was because of Hiruzen's death that I stopped reading Naruto. I liked the guy. He was good natured, and attentive, to a degree, to the young Naruto.

When he died, it was truly a heartbreaker for me. Now, now he won't die. I'm here. I'll stop it no matter the costs. A daunting task set for a three year old, but I can do this. Probably.

Definitely not 'maybe'. I hate maybes.

Which was currently why I had wrapped a cheap old scarf around my face, and waited for night to fall. There was no problem with not being seen in the orphanage, too. Hell, they're probably throwing a party in my absence.

I was here for one reason and one reasons only.

I needed to figure out how to become a Shinobi. Sure I knew about Chakra being a mix of physical and spiritual energies, but honestly what does that even mean? How can I, a man from a scientific background, start dabbling in what was definitely ninja magic without understanding what its processes were. That being said, the age that orphans are even allowed into the Shinobi Academy is five.

I am three, so my point is that I need something to accelerate my individual training. Orochimaru is certainly not going to wait for me to go to school before he starts some heinous plots that most certainly end in death. Probably my own death. Why should I waste two more years flubbing around in an orphanage that's best idea for my meal is a burnt piece of bread.

I needed to save the Hokage from his most probable demise in nine years from a snake man who could break me over his knee like a used napkin. And I needed ninja magic to accomplish this.

But Naruto, where might you attain such amazing ninja magic, one might ask. I simply say, teleportation bullshit. Anyways, my plan heavily relied upon the use of my wonderful knife.

Maybe I should name it? Something heroic, or mysterious maybe? The hash-slinging-slasher! Nah, doesn't feel right…

Anyways, back to my plan. Because my plans are great and the two so far haven't failed me yet! Granted, they're both still in the developing phase, but that's besides the point. Everyone in this village dislikes me because of some misplaced prejudice, and the times I was let out of the orphanage I was only met with closed doors and angry civilians.

Really, I honestly have no idea what they are doing. If they truly believe I'm some kind of monster of inordinate power, then why be so rude? That thought is just counterintuitive.

Still, it meant that I felt no remorse from sneaking into people's places of business via invisible, floating phantom self, teleporting into their abode, grabbing everything I need and running away with awesome teleportation. This was all just to slowly ease myself into being a master thief. Start small then build up. Then again, teleportation is such a cheat!

Though, it's not really teleportation, in a sense. The whole sensation is odd, but everything about my knife is odd. My teleportation, though, is more like a delayed form of instantaneous displacement.

It's a little hard to explain as I'm pretty sure my knife splits me into two parts whenever I place it in my mouth. My physical part and my spiritual part. I'm not sure quite how it does it, but the scary specter's knife hasn't seemed to have any side effects so far. Of course, it is similar to a Substitution jutsu, something that I haven't quite managed to steal yet.

My random heists have slowly been ramping up as I trained in the use of my knife. And I could say, I was getting rather good at controlling both bodies at once.

Now sure, I could get fairly proficient in my specter teleportation, but I would rather have something a little more dangerous than being a spooky boy. All that said, I decided the best step to becoming a badass Shinobi was to steal from said Shinobi. They must have oodles of ninja magic hidden somewhere, and I had already picked my first target.

The dangers and boons were clear to me, but I had a goal that I wasn't sure I'd be strong enough to complete if I did anything the original Naruto's way. No, I am Naruto. This is my way.

Staring at the huge compound before me, I began to grow a little apprehensive. Stealing from trained killers is much different than stealing from idle civilians. Still, remember the scene of Hiruzen's lifeless corpse sent a wave of steel down my nerves.

I had to do this. If not for myself than for someone else. Think about those that would miss Hiruzen if he died.

I didn't have a moment of hesitation, as my invisible specter danced through the walls of the compound with ease. Several guards had glanced in its direction, and my confidence soared as I knew that my Phantasmal self was truly unseen by the world. If I could dodge their weird white eyes then there was little doubt in my mind the the specter could be seen.

My choice for tonight's raid was precisely the Hyūga clan. They were known for their unnerving , bleached white eyes that had no blind spots and seemed to peer through walls. Their prowess for martial combat, and their definitely unfair Chakra control made them Shinobi of the highest of caliber in Konohagakure.

And I was passing them like a ghostly wraith.

I had remembered the fight scene between Naruto and the genius Hyūga, Neji, and I was instantly sold at robbing them first. There was little I could do in terms of their actual Jutsu, but I wasn't looking for Jutsu. I'm looking for their Chakra control scrolls.

That reason being, is that I have no problems with the amount of Chakra. I don't know if it's because of a bloodline, or the lovely little ball of condensed murder in my belly, but Naruto never seemed to run out of the precious resource. Even when he did, it was after some crazy stunt that would be stupidly improbable given any normal and sane Shinobi.

Meaning that I wouldn't need to really worry about Chakra either. The only thing I needed was to learn control.

And about Chakra in general…

Plus, I want to see their stuck up faces perplexed on how they were even robbed. I had remembered that that branded the branch members with a sort of pain inducing thing, and I honestly wanted to issue my own sort of justice. Definitely not because I disliked how pompous some of them looked as they walked. Like preening flamingos. No, definitely not because of that.

Quickly, I found myself in the innermost parts of their archives, and I giddily looked around for my desired scrolls. Rows and rows of rolled up parchment seemed to be stacked into organized holes bored into the walls. After a moment or two of searching, I found exactly what I was looking for.

Several scrolls containing their clan specific Chakra control techniques, and various ones that detailed the use and history of Chakra. I made a note to check out the library to see if they might lend me some history scrolls later. It wouldn't hurt to learn the history of my new home.

My physical body suddenly took up the place where I had just been, and I nodded happily that I wouldn't even notice going through solid objects via displacement. So far, my plan had gone off without a hitch. I had grabbed most of the scrolls I needed when I realized I had just jinxed myself.

Glowing lines spread out from my position on the floor as a blaring horn began to blast through the entire Hyūga compound.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as suddenly my body refused to budge. I had totally forgot the something that I had written down to definitely study later: Seals.

I was witnessing first hand how powerful such a thing was, and my appetite grew. I really wanted to learn Seals now, too. Should I try and grab some of those? Later, now I need to run.

The first of the Hyūga grunts came rushing in, gales trailing in their steps as I witnessed just how fast a Shinobi could go. They had crossed the distance from the entrance to my captive spot, that was a couple hundred feet away, in only the blink of an eye.

I truly got a horrifying glimpse at the disgusting veins that pulsed around the pale faced man's eyes, and the glossy white eyes that seemed to reveal all your secrets. Luckily, I had already split beforehand, and the grunt didn't even get to touch the tips of my clothes before I was gone.

Sadly, in the rush of my escape, I hadn't actually looked where I was going, and appeared randomly in another room of the compound.

I stilled at what I found and cursed myself for having plans where I think I'm smart.

Standing opposite of me was a fairly large man dressed in deep black cloths. His entire figure was hidden from view, and the only thing peaking out were a pair of startled brown eyes. Honestly, he had fairly standard nighttime ninja gear.

The thing that really grabbed my attention was the thrashing girl that was bound and gagged currently in the ninja's arms. Her glossy, pale eyes puffy and red as tears continued to spill from them, and a sort of silent plea was telegraphed between us.

You have got to be kidding me…

I sighed, eyes glued to the man. I tried to stand a confident as possible in front of the superior opponent, and I was surprised to find my voice was rather strong. "Let the girl go."

The man blinked, and for a second I thought he would actually comply.

I never even saw the fist coming till it blacked out my thoughts. I was out like a light.