Gideon was the first to get up after the meeting concluded, fleeing before Surelin could talk to him. He clumsily retraced the path to the front door, avoiding the curious gazes of the retainers and soldiers who were already hard at work cleaning out the detritus left by the Kenanites. At length he found it, despite getting lost a few times along the way.

The corpses had already been removed by the time he reached the front door, leaving behind grotesque red-brown stains on the floor where they’d lain. Outside, the garden was full of chatter and activity. More people were at work here, cleaning up pottery shards or digging what looked to be graves, all chatting casually as they worked. Contentedness seemed to be floating in the air around them like a cloud, a certain unspoken satisfaction at having finally returned home. Gideon walked past them silently, stepping carefully around the fallen bricks and broken portcullis to enter the street.

He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going. His legs were simply moving, carrying him away from Surelin and the palace, downhill.

This city doesn’t feel like home to me, he realized. It’s just another place ruined by war.

Most of the buildings along the street had already been occupied, it seemed. Everywhere he looked, the people of the migration—or rather, the citizens of Forelia City—were clearing out the ruined structures, collecting burned wood and fallen stone in piles on the street.

What place could I possibly have here if I won’t pick up a sword? I can’t build a home. Or grow crops. Or shoe a horse. My entire value to these people was my ability and willingness to kill their enemies.

He shook his head. Is there any answer to that question that would satisfy me? Doubt it.

The people working on the buildings along the street didn’t seem to have the same question. Outwardly at least, they seemed wholly content with their assigned place in the world, such as it was. Gideon’s gaze passed between them as he continued down the street, and before he knew it he was standing before the front gate once again.

Kara emerged alone from one of the ruined stables nearby, leading one of the migration’s few horses. She spotted him almost immediately.

“Hey, you. What are you doing here?”

“Dunno. Just taking a walk, I guess. You?”

She gave him a sly grin. “I was just about to leave, actually. Guess you caught me.”

“What—you’re leaving? Why?”

“Hmm…good question. I’ve got unfinished business back in Loso.” She scratched the side of her cheek apprehensively. “I might’ve forgotten to tell my brother about the whole fire attack thing….”

“Oh. Did you tell Surelin you’re not sticking around?”

“Yeah, kinda. I’ll be back soon, anyway, so don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

A smirk briefly touched her lips, but then her eyes began to search him up and down.

“...Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

He gave her a light shrug and looked away. “...No.”

“Okay, don’t tell me. I’m not the person you should be talking to about this kind of thing, anyway.”

Meaning Surelin.

She suddenly stepped up and wrapped him in a hug. He returned it awkwardly.

“Take care of yourself, big guy, alright?”

“Yeah, you too.”

“She can’t help you if you won’t let her help.”

Gideon stared at her with surprise. She released him, and wasted no time with mounting her horse, giving him a playful wink from the saddle.

“I’ll see you in a few months. Hyah!”

“A few months?” he asked incredulously, but she was already galloping away. He watched from underneath the gate as she rode off down the road to the east, towards Loso.

Did she really forget to tell her brother? That’s…hard to believe. But the fact that she’s willing to go all the way back just to apologize is amazing. Dance never apologized to me for anything.

He looked away from her gradually shrinking form to the south-east, in the direction of the tree where he’d laid Dance down to die in the shade.

If the corpses in the palace were still there, then maybe he’s still there too. He had no answers or apologies for me when he was alive, but maybe his corpse will have them.

His legs began to carry him once again. He walked out of the city underneath the massive stone arch, then took the same road to the east Kara had just taken.

It felt very surreal to be walking alone again in the Forelian wilderness, especially since it was about the same time of day as it was when he’d done it a year before. The sun beat down on his head and shoulders mercilessly, and he quickly began to work up a sweat as he climbed the long hill.

At the top, he stopped to take a look around. Small puffs of white smoke rose slowly from the city. He guessed the smoke was merely from cooking fires—it was already about lunchtime—but he still felt alarmed to see it rising from the city just as it had a year ago.

He spotted movement down by the gate, and squinted. A horseman had just departed, galloping towards him with another, riderless horse in tow.

Not a horseman, he realized nervously after watching for a short time. Horsewoman.

Surelin looked absolutely furious as she brought her horse to a screeching halt beside him. In almost one motion she leapt from the saddle and grabbed him angrily by the collar.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?!”

“I’m just—”

“How can you leave without saying anything to me?! I don’t even warrant a goodbye?!”

He quickly raised his hands in surrender. “I’m not leaving!”

“If—huh?”

“There’s something nearby I wanted to see.”

Her grip suddenly tightened. “...What?”

“Dance died near here,” he said, lowering his hands. “I was just going to see his…the place where it happened.”

She immediately released him. “...Oh! I-I’m sorry, I just—”

“It’s okay.”

An awkward silence briefly descended between them. She took a step backwards, her gaze darting down to his feet for a moment before returning to his face.

“Um. Can I come with you?”

He blinked. “Sure. Why not.”

Her relief was palpable.

“What were you gonna do with this other horse? Tie me to the saddle?”

“Well—” She interrupted herself with a scoff. “Maybe? I don’t know. I was upset, I thought you were leaving!”

“Come on. I wouldn’t do that without saying anything.”

“...Um…I really don’t know what to say,” she said, embarrassed. “We can take the horses. That is, if you know how to ride…?”

Gideon nodded and stepped up to the second horse. Both animals looked to be young and healthy. Surelin’s horse was female, her coat a solid chestnut brown. The second was male, and his coat was a spotty mixture of black and white. He sniffed at Gideon’s hand disapprovingly when he raised it to him.

“I’m not a great horse person, but yeah I can do it.”

“A horse person,” Surelin repeated dubiously as they mounted up. “I think what you meant to say was, ‘equestrian’.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said, isn’t it? It’s that way.”

They set off together at a trot. A new, thoughtful silence descended upon them, one that Surelin broke a few minutes later.

“Gideon?” she asked cautiously.

“Yeah.”

“Why did you need to think about it? Being captain.”

He took a deep breath. “...Because I’m done with that kind of stuff. Violence. I don’t want anything to do with being violent anymore. Someone like that can’t be a captain.”

She was quiet for a while, thinking.

“Okay, but…not even to protect yourself? Or me?”

“I’d protect you,” he said immediately, surprising himself.

She slowly shook her head, frustrated. “...Gideon, I don’t understand. But I want to.”

Shame and embarrassment washed over him. He was aware that he’d just contradicted himself, but he didn’t think he could explain it in a way that would make sense.

“It feels like you’re slipping away from me,” she said quietly.

Gideon spurred his horse into a gallop and sped off. Surelin followed.

----------------------------------------

It had taken all afternoon to reach Forelia City on foot a year ago, but on horseback the journey only took about an hour. The temperature had become uncomfortably hot in the meantime, and heat mirages glimmered across the road far ahead of them.

Summer cicadas clinging to the weeds in the surrounding fields cried out in a loud chorus as Gideon and Surelin brought their horses to a halt in front of the tree. It had grown a great deal over the past year. Where once it had barely come above Gideon’s head, it now towered many feet above him, its branches casting a fair amount of shade upon the surroundings.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

Gideon dismounted, handing his reins to Surelin as he stared intently at the tree. There was no trace of Dance’s corpse. No rotting flesh, no bones or even discoloration in the dirt, not a single piece of evidence to indicate he’d ever actually been there. Even the gear Gideon had piled up next to the corpse was gone. It was as if Dance had simply got up and walked away.

Surelin led the horses into the shade beside the tree, then searched the horizon to the south.

“I think this is near Kali’s Grove.”

“Huh?”

She looked at him. “The place where Kali’s body was buried. When she died, Kaan took her body to that forest and buried her in a secret place, or so the story goes. Hence the name.”

We fought the Lake Men in Kali’s Grove?

“Where is he?” she asked, looking around.

Gideon pointed to the base of the tree, panic rising uncontrollably within him.

“I left him right there,” he said, hysteria edging into his voice. “Against the tree. He died right there, I saw it happen. I don’t know where the body went.”

Her eyes scanned the area he’d indicated.

“You didn’t bury him?”

Intense dizziness suddenly struck him, and the world went black.

He awoke to the sound of Surelin calling his name over and over. She was fanning him urgently with her remaining hand. Green leaves rustled quietly in the breeze overhead.

“Gideon!!! Oh, thank Kali!”

“What happened,” he asked groggily.

“You tell me!” she shouted. “You just collapsed right on the road! Honestly, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to drag your giant butt into the shade with only one hand?!”

He realized that he was now laying against the tree, in almost the exact same position as Dance. A heavy, trembling sigh left him.

“S-sorry.”

She stopped fanning him. “It’s okay, but…what happened?”

“He’s dead,” he said fiercely, trying to convince himself. “That fucker. I didn’t bury him, but that doesn’t matter. I watched him die. But w-why isn’t his body here? Or his sword and that other crap he had?”

Surelin studied him with a look of deep concern. “...It was a year ago, correct? Gideon, corpses don’t often last very long out here in the wilderness. Isn’t it likely that it was just…eaten by wild animals?”

Realization dawned on him slowly. …Yeah. Maybe she’s right.

“If he had a sword, it’s possible that someone simply came along and took it.”

He nodded quickly, remembering. “You’re right. I remember running into two Kenanites around here. They probably took his stuff.” He let out some embarrassed laughter. “Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Really, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”

She sat back next to him, crossing her legs.

“You can put your head in my lap, if you want.”

He looked at her for a moment, then shifted himself over, carefully laying his head in her lap. Her fingers began to stroke his hair.

“That’s nice.”

“Mmm.”

For a second I was afraid he’d survived, somehow.

“Thanks for coming with me,” he said. “You probably saved my ass from dying of heatstroke out here.”

“You’re welcome. Are we finally even, then?”

“Yeah, I guess we are,” he said, smiling.

“Then will you tell me about Dance?”

He went still.

“You promised, Gideon. I’ve been waiting patiently.”

I know. But…

His eyes shut as he tried to find the right words.

“Alright. Uh…I don’t really know where to begin. I guess I’ll just start with what I still remember from that day.”

A pained grimace spread across his face. I really hate thinking about this.

“I was walking along the top of the wall by the house. Deb told me all the time not to play there, but I did it anyway just to spite her. I was an ungrateful kid, a real shithead, y’know? Anyway, this time I fell. Clocked myself good. While I was out she took me to Eli’s place to get looked at.”

He hesitated for a moment before continuing. “It was sometime around here that this mercenary band marched through Logger’s Crossing, one that had major beef with Dance. Crimson Crusaders. They somehow found out that I was his bastard. A couple of them waited around at Eli’s shop for us to leave. We’d been home for only a few minutes when they busted down the front door.”

“This next part is blurry. Uh…they argued. Deb pulled out a kitchen knife on them. They k-k-killed her. Right there, in front of me.”

Surelin’s hand squeezed his shoulder as he continued. “They beat me really badly. I thought they were gonna kill me too, but that’s not what they had planned. They dragged me to Loso and put me up for sale.”

A sharp gasp left Surelin. “You were a slave?!”

He nodded.

She was devastated. “But why?! Why didn’t you tell me that?! How could you think I wouldn’t care to know that?”

“That’s not it,” he said quickly. “I’ve never talked about this, Surelin, with anyone. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve always tried my hardest to never, ever think about this. These memories cause me nothing but pain. I—look. Life is just easier when it’s not always on my mind, okay? I just try to pretend it happened to someone else and don’t let myself think about it.”

A tense silence fell between them, one that caused Gideon to feel anxious. He was about to say something, but then she spoke up.

“I understand what you mean. I do that, too. I can’t lie to myself and say it didn’t happen at all. That’s too much. But I can almost pretend it was happening to someone else.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Okay. I’m sorry to interrupt. Will you finish the story?”

He nodded. “Alright. So…while I was a slave, the locals back in Logger’s Crossing kicked up a big fuss in Loso about great house mercenaries terrorizing their town. They made enough of a stink to cause the Crimson Crusaders to get blacklisted. But since I was the reason for the whole thing, the Singing Blades also got blacklisted. That seriously pissed off the senior sergeants. Dance was forced to pay a shitton of denars to smooth the whole thing over, keep them from mutinying and get back in the good graces of the great houses. Part of that was spent on freeing me.”

“I was a slave for only about three months, but still. Here comes my long lost dad to rescue me, y’know? I’d never seen him once before then. But he didn’t give a shit about me. In fact he decided to blame me for the whole thing, and he didn’t want anything to do with me. He was just gonna dump me on the streets, but the sergeants saw that I was big for my age so they decided to take me on for training.”

“I found out the reason for the whole thing much later. You want to know what it was?”

He felt Surelin nod above him.

“Dance had slept with some woman the captain of the Crimson Crusaders was sweet on. That’s it. The whole reason. I was just the closest thing to a target they could get their hands on.” He laughed harshly. “Can you believe that? Everything happened just because that piece of shit couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. If he’d passed on that one woman, Deb would still be alive right now.”

“But the thing is, I still wanted him to be my dad. I might’ve been able to forgive him if he would just talk to me, but he didn’t. So much time passed, and he didn’t. I found out how he really felt about me at the end, though. When he was laying right here.”

He shook his head, and raised his hand to rub his eyes. “...Deb wasn’t perfect. She never let me forget I wasn’t her blood. But she was still good to me. The worst part about this whole thing is that I never got to say goodbye to her. Tell her how much she meant to me. That’s the worst part.”

“That’s all.”

Something wet dripped onto his forehead, and he looked up. Tears were rolling down Surelin’s face.

“I didn’t get to say goodbye to my parents, either,” she said tearfully.

A loud, coarse sob wracked her, and Gideon sat up urgently.

“Hey it’s—”

She barreled into him and wrapped her arms around his chest tightly, sobbing. He embraced her, holding her as the dam broke.

He hadn’t seen her cry this hard since her reunion with Edea back in Loso. She was so utterly upset that it was clear he couldn’t say or do anything to calm the flood, so he simply held her in his embrace.

“They took so much from me,” she sobbed wretchedly.

“I know. It’s okay.”

“It meant everything to me...”

His brows furrowed with confusion. What is she talking about? Her hand?

But the realization soon arrived. No. She means her fighting ability.

“You can train to fight using your right hand,” he said gently.

He felt her beginning to calm down. A heavy sigh left her.

“Yeah?”

“Sure. It won’t be easy, though.”

She nodded against his chest. “...I want that.”

He squeezed her tighter for a moment.

I understand exactly how bad this feels for her, he thought. Because I feel it too. I wish I knew how to express it to her. That she’s not alone with it.

Oh, wait. I'm stupid. There is a way to express it.

“I love you.”

Her tears came to a gradual halt. When she’d finally calmed down, she wiped wetness away from her cheeks and looked up at him.

“So do I. I love you, too.”

Warm smiles crossed both their faces. He cautiously moved to bring his lips to hers, and she responded by lifting her chin.

Their kiss was brief, less than a second long, little more than an awkward peck. They retreated from each other for just a moment, their eyes searching one another at close range before quickly returning for another.

The second kiss was much longer. The pleasant softness of Surelin’s lips made Gideon feel utterly unwilling to retreat from her again. She eventually broke away, both gasping quietly for breath.

They released each other. Surelin pulled away from him, settling herself back into a more comfortable position.

“I don’t see what you like about me,” Gideon said, looking away. “I’m—I’m dumb. And violent. Nobody should like me.”

She placed her hand against his chest. “There’s much more to you than that. There’s sweetness and humor inside you. You just keep it hidden because you’re scared to show it.” She smiled. “And don’t worry about being dumb. I can be pretty dumb myself, honestly.”

He gave her a half-smile.

“What do you like about me?” she asked, curious.

“You’re brave,” he replied immediately. “And you’re kind. You hated me at first, but you were big enough to change your mind. I love that about you.”

She nodded. “I did hate you at first. Did you hate me?”

“No. Well…I thought you were mean and stuck up.”

“...But you don’t think that anymore,” she said slowly. “Right?”

“It’s hot out here,” he said, grinning as he stood up. “Let’s head back.”

“Gideon!”

He laughed, then pulled her to her feet. “Of course I don’t.”

A sharp sigh left her, and she shook her head, smiling.

Together they led their horses back to the road and mounted up. They headed back to the intersection at a slow trot, riding side by side.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you yes at the meeting,” he suddenly blurted out. “I think I’m confused, Surelin. I don’t know what I want.”

“It’s okay,” she said distantly. “Celaena can do it until you’ve made up your mind.”

“What is it?”

She looked over at him. “Do you believe in fate?”

He let out an incredulous scoff. “...You’re about five minutes too late to try bad pickup lines on me.”

A look of confusion crossed her face. “What?”

“Oh, you were being serious? Uh, well…”

He fell silent for a time, thinking it over.

“No, I guess I don’t. Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s more like I don’t want to believe it.”

“Why not?” she asked, slightly hurt.

“...I guess I just don’t like the idea that all of this…awfulness we go through is part of some weird, unknowable plan. One I don’t have any say in.”

“But the good things in life are part of it, too,” she said earnestly. “That’s the whole point, Gideon. It’s why Kali was willing to endure so much for her people. The suffering is worth it in the end.”

“I hope you’re right,” he said quickly. “Why’d you bring this up? You think we were fated to be together?”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” she replied defensively.

He shook his head. “‘Course not.”

But he wasn’t sure if he actually believed it.

Maybe all of this comes from the same place, he thought. Bravery and selfishness, good versus evil. Two faces of the same coin.

The memory of Dance lying beneath the tree suddenly flashed through his mind.

It’s about death, he realized. People want heroes like Kali because they make it seem like death doesn’t have the hold on us that it really does. And anything that breaks the illusion gets called evil.

He looked over at Surelin. She was staring off into the distance ahead of them, clearly lost in thought.

We had no control over what happened to us. But this feeling she gives me makes me think there’s still things that make life worth it.