When I woke up, I was tied to a seat in an office. In front of me was the lady that knocked me out. She was writing something down on a piece of paper, while I could only sit there watching.
“Err……What am I here for?” I guessed that this was within the test centre, or something similar.
“Oh, you’ve wakened. Let me ask you a question. Are you the holy Son of the Hundred Divine Technique Mountain?”
Finally, someone who pronounced the name correctly! I guess that I didn’t notice that when I was being chased. “No. I’m not.” I replied casually. Even if you pronounced the same correctly, it doesn’t mean that I will just admit to it.
“You bastard……Anyways, I know your identity for a fact, and that’s that.” The woman cursed as she continued signing some paperwork, “I know your shimei, so I naturally know about you, too.”
Damn it, how could this world be so small? How could I meet one of the few people who knows about shimei? I should pretend that she’d found the wrong person.
“Shimei? She hadn’t even left the sect before; how could you know her? Could it be that you’re her mother? Owowow fuck, why are you beating me with a ruler?” Before I could fully say my lines, I was beaten up by the woman with a wooden ruler.
“I know who you are. Don’t bother bullshitting me.” She said, waving her and around. I simply sat there silently, thinking about what mental warfare-type bullshit she was thinking of.
“If you know, then why did you ask?” I questioned.
“I’m the one asking the questions.” She said, smacking me with the ruler again, “What martial arts are you proficient in?”
“None—ow! No, I’m literally pro—ow! Fuck, let me fini—ow!” I wasn’t even given the chance to complete my sentences before the woman hit me, “Fine! I have initial mastery over a total of 18 internal cultivation arts, including qigong, Qing gong, Taiji Quan, Neigong, breathing arts, superimposition arts, Yujin Jing, etc. I’m only proficient in the Turtle Breathing Art.”
In this day and age, most people only cultivated external styles, which focus on skills and the body. This includes body arts like iron body kung fu, iron crotch kung fu, etc. and skills like Falcon Punch, monkey steals the peaches, monkey plucks the peaches, etc. The style of internal cultivation has been quite forgotten. After all, its progress slows down exponentially as your body develops, and at some point, it simply hits a wall.
However, I, an absolute idiot, only trained in internal arts. The woman looks at me as if I was an idiot. Yes, I’m an idiot; do you have an issue with it? I might be weaker than others, but I’m still…absolutely useless.
Sure, internal arts techniques might allow you to utilise martial arts with more control, and you have more internal energy to make use of, but so what? It isn’t great enough to make a big difference.
“How could a sect like yours produce such a retard like you?” the woman sighed as she glared at me disdainfully, “I can’t believe that……forget it.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, hehe.” I grinned as I took out a knife that was tucked into my belt and cut myself free, “Then I shall be leaving now.”
The woman looked somewhat annoyed at the way I acted, but sat back down to continue with her paperwork. “Oh, yeah, you’ll be joining another squad with three others. You’ll be the leader, since you probably have more skill than the others for now.”
I opened the door to the room, and realised that I was in a manor that was much larger than the testing area. “So do I get a dormitory room?” I asked.
“Yeah, just walk to the far left, down the stairs, and then cross the yard. Behind, there will be a shed.” The woman replied.
“A shed? Don’t I get to stay in a dormitory?”
“People with shitty skills get shitty houses.” The woman said, “You can’t even avoid a person, so don’t say that your skills are good.”
Shit, if I’d known that I’d be exposed so soon anyways, I’d have actually tried a bit to get a better room. It’s too bad that there’s no medicine for regret.
I walked as she said, and realised that……the entire yard was covered in four feet of snow! What the fuck?!
I could only sleep in the hallway, without a bed nor a blanket, and only my internal energy to prevent hypothermia.
. . .
Sitting atop a pile of documents, the woman sighed. She couldn’t believe that that Wuxing Wuming was such a weakling. When he had tried to escape the city, she had thought that he had some skill. It was a shame that his internal energy still fell short of what she expected. When one cultivates 18 internal strength styles, you’d expect them to be stronger, or something. However, that bastard Wuxing Wuming was even worse than the lower ranking workers in this place.
Sighing, she wondered why she even bothered to pull strings to get him into this unit. Somehow, she felt that it was the correct decision to make, as though some karmic luck was pushing her to make that decision.
Maybe it could also be the gods playing a prank on her, making her feel that this was the correct decision, but actually sabotaging her.
Or maybe, it was due to the pigeon sitting on her table.
The woman saw a letter tied to the pigeon’s leg. Unrolling the letter, she read the text written within.
The letter was filled with broken sentences where many words were cut off, and even more were omitted. This couldn’t be avoided as the letter had a very limited area to write on. However, upon reading the text, the woman was shocked. She knew about Hua Xiaozhui feelings for her shixiong the best, so maybe his departure…… It wasn’t good to theorise.
She sighed as she tore up the letter, before throwing it away. Hundred Divine Technique Mountain was screwed this time. There will be no one to take the seat of the sect master.
. . .
When I woke up, I realised that my entire body was stiff. It seemed that I ran out of internal energy to keep myself warm during the previous night, so I could only lie there in wait for someone to help me up.
“Hmph, you bastard.” A familiar voice could be heard from somewhere beyond my current vision range, “Trying to lie down so that you can glimpse up women’s skirts.”
I was winded as I was kicked by a woman. It was the normal-looking lady that was at the registration the previous day.
“What crimes did I commit to be stuck with this piece of shit?” I heard a sigh as I felt my body warm up. Turning my head, I realised that she had transmitted a little bit of her internal Qi into my body with that kick. Standing up, I realised that my skin had turned blue from the cold.
“Come, follow me to the meeting room.” The lady walked off without a second word. It seems that I’m saved! Wait, what meeting?
As I followed behind the lady, I realised that there were a few workers shovelling the snow outside the manor. It seems that I’ll finally manage to see my shed tonight. Around then, we reached a room with a sliding door.
“Come in, you’re already late.” A gruff voice urged us in. It came from a tall man that had a scholarly air around him. I recognised him as the person that I hit during the selection. I could only awkwardly follow behind the lady while avoiding eye contact.
“Anyways, it has been decided that your squad will be called the nameless squad, since that person will be your leader.” The scholarly man walked out of the room, as if disgusted to be in the same room as me.
“Hmph, why is such a shrimp our leader?” A man with a lot of muscle shook his head, “Are we really this weak to need to follow orders from him?”
“Maybe, maybe not. He looks quite hot, though.” Another man grinned with a smile that could make prostitutes puke. I instinctively used my hands to shield my crotch as I feared for my chastity.
“You are disgusting.” The lady frowned as she sat down on the opposite side of the table. The only empty seats left was one next to the gay and muscular man, and next to the muscular man and the lady. I had to decide quickly—sexual abuse or verbal abuse? There will be physical abuse on both seats, so that wasn’t a factor.
I decided verbal abuse, and sat next to the lady. Everyone looked at me like, are you looking to die? Did I pick a wrong seat? Was I supposed to start a gay love story just like that? Sorry, but I don’t swing that way.
The door slid open once again, and the unreasonable ruler woman from before entered. The moment she saw where I was sitting, her face stiffened. Not that it was relaxed at all before she saw me.
“Why are you seating on my seat?” The ruler woman asked.
“Because I’m not gay, ma’am.” I replied before I could think, making her face darken even further.
She took out her ruler, and hit me atop the head with it. Everyone else looked on in pity, as I became a punching bag for the ruler woman. It seems that physical abuse was a factor to consider……
“Do I look like a ma’am? I’m only twenty this year.” The lady asked. So that was what she was angry about?!
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“No, m—No, sister!” I stopped myself from saying ma’am again as I changed my way of addressing her. Somehow, she got even angrier.
“You. Are. To. Address. Me. As. Miss. You understand?” She ordered, hitting me with the ruler with each sentence.
“Yesyesyes! I understand,…miss!” I shouted, making sure to use the right address. By the time she stopped beating me, my face had swollen up to a pigs’.
I could only sit next to the gay, and pretend not to see him gesturing a love letter to me. The woman sat down on the seat, looking just a little less beautiful than shimei, and stored her ruler in God knows where.
“I’ve already introduced myself yesterday, but since the new unit leader was unconscious, I shall say it again. I am Captain Su, and I am your direct superior.” The woman introduced herself, glaring at me. It wasn’t my fault that you kicked me unconscious, OK? “I would like the four of you to introduce yourselves, along with your likes and dislikes. You should also state your goals.”
The lady stood up, and said, “I am Lu Qingshan. I like flower arranging, I dislike that person there.” She pointed at me, “I hope to catch and punish criminals who commit sex crimes. I came from the Spirit Sword Sect in the southeast.”
I realised that she had probably been a victim of a sex crime previously, so she despises people like that……speaking of sex crimes……
“Wuxing Wuming! What are you staring at?!” I jolted upwards as I was called out by captain Su. My eyes had naturally drifted over to her breasts, and it seems that I had been caught.
“Nothing, ma—miss.” I stuttered. The room fell silent as everyone glared at me. To diffuse the awkward situation, I introduced myself: “I’m Wuxing Wuming, courtesy name Wuzi[1]. I like doing nothing, and I dislike working. I hope to work hard and protect the justice of the Imperial Capital and throughout the entire country. I came from the Hundred Divine Technique Mountain in the south.”
Everyone continued glaring at me. The atmosphere became even more awkward as their look screamed one word: Hypocrite. It’s not my fault that my goals, likes and dislikes contradict! I was born like this!
The muscular man stood up after a long period of silence and introduced himself. “Tang Yue, courtesy name Bo Hu. I like fighting, dislike weak people, especially ones like that guy.” He also pointed at me. “I hope to reach the peak of the jianghu, and I plan to use this as my first step. I came from the Emei Body Scripture Sect in the Southwest.”
Oi, oi, you’re not supposed to say something like that when you’re first hired! That’s like shooting yourself in the foot, and complaining when you can’t walk! That will probably be why you’ll never be promoted ever! But what’s with your courtesy name? Do you really want to be called Tang Bo Hu[2]? That’s so out of character!
The gay stood up. He was a wiry man that had a crafty face and tiny eyes. I guess the benefit of having tiny eyes is that you can look at people’s butts while being hard to catch.
“My name is Xun, and my surname is Tong. My courtesy name is Xinglian.” I almost choked on my spit when I heard his name. Damn, Tong Xinglian[3] fits you perfectly! This time, I wasn’t the only one who got the reference. Everyone but Liu Qingshan had to hold in their laughter. Tong Xinglian narrowed his eyes, not that it made much of a difference, and asked, “Why are you laughing? My mother came up with that name for me.”
That was like the last straw that broke the camel’s back. The three of us that were holding in our laughter started giggling uncontrollably at how comical this situation was. Even the serious captain Su was laughing while hiding her face behind her sleeve. That face was indescribably charming, like a frozen flower thawing out. I think that she might actually be more beautiful than shimei, but only when she was smiling.
“Why are you laughing?” Luo Qingshan questioned, tilting her head to the side. It seems that she’s way too innocent for her age. We stopped our laughter hurriedly and continued listening.
“I like both men and women, and I dislike people who discriminate against gays. I plan to make gay marriage legal in the Imperial Capital. I came from Wudang.” He said, completely seriously, which conversely made the situation even funnier. What wasn’t funny, though, was his next statement.
“Wuxing Wuming, I kind of like you. Would you—”
“No. Fucking. Way.” I shut the idea down before he could complete his sentence. The other three looked at me with disdain—How could you just brush off someone’s feelings like that? It’s not my fault that I’m not attracted to other men!
Captain Su coughed to get everyone’s attention, and said, “This new unit will be made up of the four of you. The leader of this squad will be Wuxing Wuming. It will be named after him, since none of you have anything in common.”
“I have a name idea,” said Tang Yue, “Hating Wuxing Wuming Unit.”
“That’s a great idea. I’ll complete the paperwork to change your name.” Captain Su smiled at the mention of that name. Oi, you aren’t actually contemplating it, are you? “Anyways, the Hating Wuxing Wuming Unit is dismissed.”
You actually decided on it! How could you not ask the subject of the joke his opinion? Whatever, I’m used to it. After all, if your sect was named the Hundred Retard Mountain, you’d also be used to it quite soon.
“Ah, Wuxing Wuming, stay back for a while. I have something to tell you about, with regards to your sect.” Captain Su gestured for me to come.
I walked up to her, and braced for getting hit with the ruler.
“Do you think I’m really that violent that I’d just hit you without reason?” (I do) I stopped bracing for the attack, but that was when the executioner’s ruler fell. “You really do think that I’m violent, don’t you? Let me tell you, your shimei is even more violent than me, what do you think will happen if I tell her than you think I am violent?”
I would be beaten into a pulp, and then healed using her internal energy……and then get beaten once again. “Sorry miss.” I apologised, “What about the sect?”
“You should be aware that your sect has asked me to return you back to Taishan. I’m obligated to do so, since your shimei and I are good sisters.” Captain Su said, taking delight in watching me squirm in nervousness.
“Will you tell them where I am? I don’t want to be sect leader.” I replied. To be honest, I wasn’t aware that my sect did such a thing, but whatever.
“I won’t, but under the condition that you show me your true abilities, instead of just whatever just showed yesterday.” Captain Su smiled. I guess that she realised that I had to be quite strong in order to have a chance at being the holy Son of the sect. After all, my other shidis and shimeis are much, much stronger than most masters in cultivation.
Sighing, I nodded my head. She’ll probably overwork me if I show her too much, so I’ll just show her a little bit more than what she saw yesterday.
Using just a bit more internal energy, I punched towards her. I used a little bit of qigong to press a few acupuncture points, causing my complexion to grow pale.
“Har? That’s it? Fuck, this was a waste of time. I’ll send you back to the sect.”
“Eh? Don’t! I’ll work without a salary!” I shouted in desperation.
“……I was just kidding.” Captain Su chuckled at my desperate reaction, “You are also dismissed.”
As I walked out of the room, I saw Tang Yue listening in. Looking at me, he sighed, and said, “The Hundred Retard Mountain has really fallen to have such a useless person as the holy Son.”
“It’s the Hundred Divine Technique Mountain.” I corrected, walking towards my shed. The snow was mostly cleared out, leaving only about a foot of snow. Tang Bo Hu tilted his head and asked:
“Is there a difference?”
I came up with some bullshit: “How could you pretend to be Tang Bo Hu if you don’t even know about pauses, intonation, and flow? The Hundred Divine Technique Mountain has a shitty flow, and broken intonation, just like Taishan. Calling it the Hundred Retard Mountain is a misinterpretation of its name, and is also a betrayal of the original meaning and intention of the creator of the sect.”
That was completely bullshit. The first founder came up with the name specifically to make that unfunny joke. Everything I said was also bullshit. I might be terrible at interacting with others, but after living with unreasonable meatheads all these years, I have learnt to come up with some pretty convincing bullshit. Add on a fast talking speed, and you can easily bullshit your way out of any situation. I have no idea what I was talking about, but I saw them in some random book on Tang poetry.
“I’m not trying to pretend to be Tang Bo Hu. My father came up with it so that I will think before hitting others.”
That makes a lot of sense. By that time, we reached his dormitory room, and spilt up. As he entered his room, I caught a glimpse of the room and realised that it was quite spacious and well built.
“Fucking hell, this discrimination is going too far!” I cursed as I headed for the shed. This was the first time I would see the shed, so I was rather excited. Walking across the yard, I opened the door, and saw……
A dusty room without anything within. There was no bed, no blanket, just an empty room. Not even tools or weapons. Fucking hell.
I could only sit on the floor and wait. I was broke, so it wasn’t like I could buy some magazines or newspapers. I could only go back into the manor, and borrowed a few records from the archive. It’s said that any man, while bored enough, would even do work to solve it.
I opened an archive book.
Day 14, Lunar Month 3, Year 6 of Emperor Qin Qu’s rule. Hai chu san ke[4].
A captain in the army was demoted after Emperor Qin Qu found him in the Sparkling Moon Brothel. His rank was dropped by 15, making him a toilet technician for the Forbidden City. It is agreed that as a public figure, visiting brothels will reflect badly upon the dynasty.
Damn it, what bullshit is this trying to pull off? It’s obvious that the captain was demoted after he caught the emperor in the brothel. How is it that he can have many beauties in the Imperial Harem, yet can still be this ravenous?
I brought this to Captain Su. “Captain, I think that this captain was wrongly accused.” I explained the reason for my suspicions. Hehe, if I save this person, then I can get some merits.
“You think that we don’t think that too? But what can we do to the emperor?” Captain Su asked. I realised that I had forgotten one stupid thing—The emperor was the Judge, Jury and Lawyer. Dammit, I thought that I could earn a few merit points by proving this case false. I read the next entry:
Day 16, Lunar Month 3, Year 6 of Emperor Qin Qu’s rule, Si geng er dian[5]
A thief was seen stealing the xieyi of the empress. After a manhunt consisting of 100 royal guard, the thief managed to escape with the xieyi.
……Shifu. I definitely sense the doings of my master in this event. Reading on,
The thief was described as a forty-year-old man, with shoulder-length black hair, and has a hairbrush moustache.
……Definitely shifu. It was the exact description of him two years ago, when the incident occurred. Fuck, why is he like this? You even dared to target the emperor’s woman? And not even a concubine!
Sighing, I flipped onto the next page.
Day 17, Lunar Month 3, Year 6 of Emperor Qin Qu’s rule, San Geng[6].
A thief stole 8 jugs of beer from Xin Po Tavern. The thief was described as a twenty-year-old man, with waist-length hair, and a dark complexion. He has a cut across his right leg.
Damn it, even fourth shidi is here! Damn it, I should close it before I find every single evil deed that my shidis did.
“Why are you still in my office? Get out!” Captain Su shooed me out of the room. Ah, it seems that I forgot where I was at while reading through this bullshit.
I walked out of the room, and saw a girl barrelling towards me at their fastest speed. I could only borrow a bit of my walking momentum to barely avoid him as he crashed into the wall.
“What is that for?” The girl asked. She was quite short, and had waist-length hair. She had a beautiful face, but her chest was flat. Flatter than flat. Like a brick wall, but brick walls have a few protrusions here and there. You get the idea.
“You’re the one running in the hallway.” I retorted, turning to leave.
“Is that Xixi that I hear?” the captain asked.
“If it’s the little girl, then yes.” I replied.
“Little girl? Fucking—he’s my brother, not a girl.”
Brother? Wait, what? I turned around, and saw the girl walking into the office.
“Sister, I have important news. There was a murder case.”
“Xixi, why would you tell this to me? If it is a murder case, tell those in the homicide department.”
“B-but the person who died was Unit Leader Zhu.”
“What?!” Captain Su raised her voice. She called out to me: “Wuxing Wuming, you’re still there, right? Come in.”
I walked into the room. It seems that she knew that I was eavesdropping.
“Yes, Captain?” I asked.
“I would like you to investigate this murder case.”
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[1] Wuzi—无字, Lit. No courtesy name.
[2] A famous Song dynasty painter, calligrapher and poet.
[3] Tong Xinglian—同性恋 Lit. homosexual, gay.
[4] Around 9:45 p.m.
[5] Around 4:00 a.m.
[6] San Geng—midnight.