The curse is broken I have finally made it to Elfhiem.
Well time to go home. Why you ask would I go home when after numerous attempts? It is because Elfhiem is currently being ravaged by a hundred meter long fire breathing flying lizard. I might have come on to strong when I said I wanted adventure at every turn so to whatever god took me seriously hahahahaha thank you but please don’t worry about it in the future.
After seeing it in the distance as it circled the city spewing torrents of fire we quickly about faced and sprinted until we were a good ways away and taking cover discussed our plan of action.
“Well it was nice knowing you Lindis, I know you need to hurry on to your home and help defend against a dragon and all that but Sin and I should really head back now so have a nice life buddy.”
“What, wait uuhhmm I can’t just let two children make such a long and dangerous journey back on your own.”
This guy is a smooth talker he would make a great lawyer assuming that profession even exists in this world.
“You can’t Lindis you are a knight you have to slay the dragon and rescue the princess!”
I was somewhat surprised by Sins insistent and totally unreasonable demand.
“Technically I am only a cadet knight not a full-fledged knight and besides there is no princess in Elfhiem all royalty would live in the capital of Forest Haven not a trade city like Elfhiem.”
“no we have to go I don’t want to go back to the village just to cook and do laundry, fine even if you two won’t go I will I will just slay the dragon myself.”
Both our jaws dropped at that was she insane? She had no weapon or fighting ability and she was only a ten year old girl. I could knock her out and carry her back but that would only make her hate me for ruining her great adventure and I may forever lose my chance at having my own gothic, loli, elven, busty, maid girlfriend. No that wasn’t a chance I could take I would have to think of something. Looking at Jack who had remained uncharacteristically silent I had to ask.
“What do you think Jack do we have a shot?”
“Not a chance in any of the seven hells of the underworld! That is at least a five thousand year old dragon it can use two different types of magic has a near impenetrable armor of scales it flies keeping it out of reach of the powerful attacks it can crush buildings and it can fucking spit fire.”
While as far as I could see that was true I was interested in how he knew that.
“How do you know so much about them Jack is it a part of Odors’ knowledge he gave you?”
“Yes and no, Oldor did have knowledge about the different abilities of dragons and how their ages affected that, but I can confirm it after seeing it for myself.”
“How can you see them if you don’t have any eyes?”
Aww my cute Sin as expected of you even your stupid questions are cute.
“Ow that I can see the magic and Ki that surrounds all things even those that try to hide their presence or are camouflaged in some way but my sight only extends about as far as yours.”
Ok so it wasn’t a stupid question, and what the hell was wrong with him not talking about that earlier. That was like a fucking cheat move being able to see through any ambush and though my own theory if you could see the flows of power you could probably even predict what magic they were about to use next. Jack was starting to remind me of a certain ninja clan I read about in a manga with their cheat like eye abilities.
Grabbing jack I stood up and letting out a sigh I composed myself.
"Sin I promised to keep you safe and I keep my promises so stay here with Lindis I will deal with the dragon myself.”
The responses were mixed Lindis only nodded while looking incredibly relieved. Sin was bouncing up and down positively giddy with anticipation at the thought of watching me kick a dragon’s ass. Well I hoped she was looking forward to me winning if she was just delighted to see someone get eaten by a dragon, that might strain our relationship a bit. Jack just kept shouting what a fool I was but I already knew that I even agreed with him but I was doing this for the oppai elf maid loli and I wasn’t going to let a fucking dragon stand in the way of that.
As I walked in the direction I lowered my voice as I talked to jack.
“Do we really not have a shot, I have fought plenty of stronger people before and the key to winning was always in hitting their weaknesses. Can I bust his balls or gouge his eyes or crush his throat or something surely it has a weakness somewhere?”
“Hmmm I don’t think so, male dragons have retractable genitalia so it doesn’t get in the way during flight and the eyes are protected by clear membranes that are harder than steel.
Still he did seem to be thinking on what we could do, he had apparently given up on arguing with a fool and trying to get me to reconsider.
“If there was some sort of wound or opening you would be able to strike a fatal blow by simply discharging raw magical energy into it after all the only thing that protects magic beasts from magic and magic backlash is their hides and special magic processing organs if you hit anything else with magic energy it would be the same as doing it to a human and it would fry from the inside out. The city must be mounting some kind of defense or the dragon would have landed perhaps they have managed to pierce its scales we could gamble on that and try to attack there.”
That was a sound plan but as we approached the dragon I couldn’t see any wounds or marring on its scales. I did see the occasional fire ball or lightning bolt fired from the city but they were poorly aimed and most likely cast in a panic.
I racked my brain for a plan of any kind. I could only think of one, a really stupid plan but it would have to do.
Gathering magic in the staff I started running towards the dragon. Swing my staff behind me I started to sprint using my Ki to strengthen my legs while channeling the magic into my left hand I stared to close on the dragon.
<<< Soldiers point of view>>>
The few soldiers stationed atop the city wall could not help but stare at the laughable sight they saw here was a lone boy carrying a big black dick on a stick trying to run down a hundred meter long fire breathing dragon. When they kept watching though their amusement could not help but to fade as the boy with his stubby legs pumping for all they wore worth caught up to the flying dragon and after shouting a war cry he punched the ground causing a massive blast raising a dust cloud high into the sky and out of the cloud shot the boy the black rod gripped in both hands trailing red and black smoke like the contrail of a dick missile shot from hell and as he soared into the air he pierced the dragon…. Right in the ass.
<<
There were still a few panicky soldiers atop the cities defensive wall that were drawing the dragon’s attention and even if it had noticed the lone boy it would not have considered me a threat. As I closed in I timed my launch as well as I could watching the sway of the dragons tail and when I finally saw my chance I shouted my battle cry.
The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
“Prepare thy anus dragon and take my massive black shaft!!!”
It seemed as good a war cry as any. Pummeling the ground with my fist I launched myself high into the sky I held the staff in both hands over my head while screaming my head off and while I am not sure I think Jack was screaming to. I thought he yelled something like.
“What the hell did you just say, wait god oh no where are you sticking me I don’t swing that way!”
Swinging him that way I stabbed him deep into the dragon’s asshole releasing all my pent up power. The dragon started writhing and squirming in the air before plunging headfirst for the ground howling in agony all the while. Slamming head first into the dirt the beasts long neck bent in on itself its body coming down on top of it there was a sickening snap as the vertebra in the dragons neck were reduced to powder by the force of the crash.
All in all it went really well I thought killing a dragon in a single blow but do I get my heroes moment no there was no scene with me standing atop the dragons head holding a mighty holy sword above my head while looking gallant. What scene did I get well the magic power had destroyed the organs and muscles entirely while causing the remnants to spasm uncontrollably? Do you know what happens when a dying animal has muscle spasms? It shits itself…yeah and where was I; I was front and center for the splash zone of a dragon shit storm. The whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth and no that wasn’t a fucking metaphor. So that was me the Gallant shit knight; gathering magic in my arm I punched down into the pile of dragon shit blasting it all away from me. I then saw several dozen soldiers as well as Sin and Lindis standing around the dragon now covered in shit that I had just blasted their way. Yeah that probably wouldn’t win me any brownie points. Trying to recover even apiece of my dignity I reached for Jackson and planting a foot upon the dragon’s sphincter I pulled him free while raising him high above my head. It was a very pull the sword from the stone to be chosen as king kind of moment that lasted all of two seconds before Jack started cussing up a second shit storm and going on about how if I wanted to know what the inside of a dragons ass looked like I should just let one eat me or some such nonsense.
Well even if I was a shitty hero I was still a dragon slayer and after introducing my companions they gave us an escort to the Allister family estate and by estate I mean a goddamned freaking castle. Where we were able to clean ourselves up, have a nice hot bath and we were given new clothes having been informed that our old ones had been incinerated with a magical hellfire and that even with the cloths gone the stink of dragon shit still filled the work yard. That was followed by a subtle warning that the workers might attempt to take revenge on us for having to put up with the stink and that I should watch my back.
After that came a real surprise we were to present ourselves to the princess of southland and recently appointed ruler of Elfhiem.
I thought you said there wouldn’t be a princess Lindis?”
Sins eyes had gone starry again it had always been a dream of hers to meet a real princess.
“There wasn’t when I left it must have happened during my mission I was gone for about a month after all.”
I was pretty excited to meet a princess myself after all I had never met a princess before. Plus slaying a dragon and meeting a princess it was any boys dream come true.
We were led to the great hall which was lined on both sides by soldiers and at the end of the hall there was a very plush leather chair that I wouldn’t quite call it a throne exactly but certainly a position on honor. On the throne sat…a Goth loli princess. Small in stature even smaller than Sin with black hair that fell in loose ringlets around her shoulders and on her head sat a tiny black top hat with a small glittering tiara wrapped around it. Her dress was all black lace with black thigh high stockings and knee high high heeled black boots.
As we approached Lindis bowed and went down on one knee in a single smooth motion. I made an awkward bow while trying not to gawk but instead of going down on bended knee I elected to remain standing after all I was short enough….
Sin was bouncing up and down while waving and saying hello to everyone. Her greeting was certainly the least dignified and yet I saw several of the knights break their stony expressionless faces to smile at her.
A single chestnut haired wood elf strode forward from the side of the lazy boy throne and introduced himself as Danil Allister, Lindis father and the current head of the Allister family.
“Young master Oldor I must thank you for the aid you rendered to Elfhiem this day with so many of our honor guards tasked with protecting the princess only a few soldiers and mages were sent to protect our beloved city your actions today have surely saved many of our dear citizens lives. That said I do not only thank you as a noble for defending my home city but also as a father for protecting my son and helping him to return to us safely.”
After making a quick bow he stepped back allowing another official to step forward to detail my heroics as well as the current state of the city. After listening to my heroics the icy princess seemed uncomfortable her face would twitch whenever the dragon’s ass was mentioned. When the report was finally over the princess nodded to a nearby knight summoning him to her side and taking his sword she called for me to step forward.
“Oldor in recognition of your valor in the face of danger and willingness to risk life and limb to protect Elfhiem I promote your social status to that of minor nobility of the thirtieth rank and grant you and your family the second name of Alfather.”
There was a moment of applause before she raised her hand to call for silence.
“While your actions and motive have earned you a place in the nobility your remarkable combat prowess in singlehandedly slaying a dragon has earned you a knighthood.”
“Now kneel Oldor Alfather.”
As I knelt before her she lowered the sword lightly touching my shoulder she loudly proclaimed.
“In accordance with your actions I grant you the title of Sir. Ass Slayer”
Your shitting me as I quickly raised me head I saw her still wearing her same icy expression, but her eyes they were laughing.
Stepping back she called an end to this audience and the three of us were promptly thrown out of the great hall.
I dropped jack and fell to my hands and knees, this couldn’t be right this adventuring thing sucked. I saved a damsel in distress or at least Sin but I got no reward and no passionate kiss. I obtained a legendary weapon that was mouthy and a massive prick. I slayed a dragon and got shat on for my trouble. I met a princess and she made fun of me calling me “Sir. Ass Slayer” what kind of name is that.
Lindis quietly helped me up and took me to a room with a massive bed that I hopped up on and instantly passed out. Surely tomorrow would be a better day right?