I DID IT finally I made it a more than a mile from my house and then another and another…and another. What the hell? It was so boring my first two excitement filled tries seem to have mislead me. Travel in this world is exceptionally tedious. Don’t get me wrong I have walked long distances before; I once marched seventy miles in eight hours in full combat gear under the scorching African sun. It wasn’t a matter of me not being able to handle it. This is a fantasy world right, adventure waiting around every turn this is supposed to be that kind of setting right? Where are the strange and wondrous magic beasts and the big boobed damsels in distress? All I saw were a bunch of fucking trees and rocks and one long dusty dirt road.
Sin was very excited though after all this was her adventure debut. She was eagerly pestering Lindis with all sorts of questions which Lindis was equally excited to answer but after a quick reminder from me he kept a little more distance and was more cautious in his answers.
Actually I too had some questions for Lindis I was after all new to this world as well.
“Lindis I was wondering why there was a road here?” -me
It was a fair question after all this world had no logging or road machinery so all of this would have been done by hand with the occasional magic blast used to remove a troublesome rock or two. This meant that most roads followed the path of least resistance by moving parallel to a river it also served the double purpose by giving travelers access to fresh water for them and their beasts.
“Huummm that that was my family’s doing. My great grandparents wanted to expand their logging industry as well as establish a faster trade route to the northern kingdoms. The money earned from the logging more than paid for the construction of building the road and by charging tolls they even made money on the deal. Then by supplying goods to the north faster than competitors they secured several large contracts all in all it was a very profitable venture.” -Lindis
I was surprised his family had pretty good business sense.
“Wait if you are a rich boy and this is your families road why are you walking shouldn’t you be in a carriage riding in style or something?” –me
“Sure I have a blacked out carriage with one hundred cm iron wheels pulled by six shadow cats. It’s just that I can’t use it when I am on knight business, as a cadet-knight I am not allowed to use my personal equipment or else it may cause discrimination in the ranks and the knights do pride themselves on their unity.” -Lindis
Spoiled brat getting some sick ride with daddy’s money it doesn’t matter what world you are in that doesn’t seem to change.
“You did mention you were a cadet-knight before what exactly does that mean?” –me
“Oldor silly boy it means he is a future knight in shining armor to help the weak and fight monsters save princesses, mother said so.” –Sin
Lindis smiled at that. “While that certainly is a possibility the cadet knights is a school of higher learning that prepares its students for governmental positions and it tries inculcating a set of core values into its students all to make sure the great city of Elfhiem has the best possible future leaders.” -Lindis
Given the core values Lindis had shown namely cowardice, loli lust, and fear of the unknown I didn’t see Elfhiem as having much of a future.
After that I left the pestering or ah question asking to Sin who seemed to have an endless stream of questions for Lindis. After that I lost my self in thought until I walked right into an ass. It was Lindis ass to be exact, he had stopped and bent over to start setting out lunch which I had completely missed while lost in my thoughts.
As the shock of what settled in I ran off a little ways to empty my stomach. Burying my face in a man’s ass was not on my to do list of things I want to try before I die again.
Leaning against a rock I tried to settle my stomach, while Lindis embarrassedly did a sniff check on his own ass. Really? Granted the smell wasn’t pleasant after all he was a teen who had been walking all day in the sun in a dirty uniform but I have smelled worse. And why the hell was Sin blushing like that don’t tell me she was into that boys love shit.
Faintly blushing himself Lindis approached me. “Oldor you ok ah um… was it really that unpleasant?”
………What the fuck? Why the hell would you say that while looking all embarrassed don’t go trying to raise shit flags like that, and why was Sin looking at us with shiny eyes like that no wait was she actually drooling a bit?
There was nothing I could say literally my mouth seemed to have frozen up. The runes on my arm flared into light which was quickly followed by Lindis backing up while chuckling nervously.
“Ahh hey did you notice that stone pillar you threw up on it actually has quite an interesting story.” –Lindis
Well at least he was trying to change the subject and Sin had finally snapped out of her starry eyed gaze so I went along with it motioning for him to continue with his story.
“No one is sure by how much but this pillar predates the road my great grandparents built. In fact this was at one time the exact center of the forest so there are many different theories as to what the purpose of this pillar was though the most common held belief was that it was some sort of guide post to navigate the forest but no other posts were ever found so it was decided that it would be made into a signpost for the new road and its original purpose was never revealed.” –Lindis
That actually was quite the fascinating story and as Lindis went on I found myself studying the thing I had just puked on and was surprised to discover that it was… a giant dick. Well it was a white obelisk two and a half meters tall. Now all obelisks inherently look like dicks but the two round wood signs at the base of the pillar telling the distances to the next town in each direction didn’t help.
As we sat down to a lunch of dry bread and smoked meat and cheese I couldn’t help thinking about the big dick err pillar and what Lindis had said. Why would you put a sign post in the middle of the forest? Wouldn’t it make more sense to put it at the forest edge directing people around or to the nearest road? And if it was a sign post wouldn’t it have markings showing directions? The pillar however was completely smooth it didn’t seem to have worn down even after who knows how long it had been here. So the markings would not have faded either. Lost in thought I began clenching my fist again and again. If I thought about it like a story what would be the point of a pillar in the exact center of the forest hold? Was it maybe a device to signal a boss fight? Even if it wasn’t it must trip some sort of flag right? No that didn’t make sense either unless maybe there was some prerequisite no even then there would be some kind of inscription on the pillar some instructions of some sort. I do not like difficult things and using my head hurts in my frustration I channeled my KI into my hand and punched the ground I was sitting on. It made a satisfying THUNK smiling at that I kept staring at my hand, at the glowing light from the runes on my hand….
I jumped to my feet and marched toward the obelisk Sin and Lindis both surprised by my actions let me go alone. That was it where were the markings that was what kept bothering me. There must be some of some kind but what if they couldn’t be seen without using magic like the dragons blood!
I approached the obelisk and laying my hand against it I very gently began to pull magic through it. Slowly starting from the top a series of blood runes began to appear as if an invisible man stood before it writing them out. They were not all runes however there was also an inscription which read.
“Release thy mighty rod from its hard prison and all shall tremble before your might.”…..
“Ps. Place magic here”
Really, well who am I to argue with random roadside obelisks. I gathered my magic and channeled it into the rune indicated in the description, and nothing happened….
I gathered all the magic I could and hurled it at the rune and this time I got a reaction. A gentle wind rose and began to swirl around it as the obelisk slowly turned to sand and blew away revealing… another dick. Well not a dick per say but it was a one and a half meter long staff with a rather phallic shaped black stone affixed to the top of the staff. Runes were etched into both the stone and the staff itself.
“Hahahahaha freedom mother fuckers it only took you idiots ten millennium to figure out how to open a shitty box but at last I can breathe.”
Insert awkward silence here………………………………………………………………………………
“The fuck? A talking dick, no a dick on a stick just called me stupid…” –me
“Oy oy who did you just call a dick on a stick I will have you know I am the mighty rod of Oldor father of magic.”
“You do know you just called yourself a mighty rod?” –Lindis
As I turned around I saw that Lindis and Sin were both there standing a few feet behind me.
“Wait you said you were Odor’s rod but why did you call him the father of magic?”
it would seem Sin had not heard that particular story before.
“I see so this youths name is Oldor… how interesting still he is not the Oldor I referred to the Oldor who created both magic as you know it and myself, he lived many millennia ago. He had created many great wonders but having no offspring to pass them onto he sealed them away so that only worthy people would be able to find them.”
The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
“As his masterpiece and lifelong companion he sealed me in the most difficult location. In the middle of the great uncharted vethrong forest surrounded by vicious beasts one would need great dedication to hunt for clues to my location, a keen sense to find me in this endless forest, he must possess enormous strength to slay the terrifying magic beasts, and last he must slay a dragon to learn the secrets of the blood before being able to unseal me.”
He seemed to take great pride in making whoever looked for him miserable in a life long journey to gain this magic tool, it would be my greatest pleasure to burst his bubble.
“Really? but that’s not what happened at all Oldor didn’t look for clues as to where you were he only found you when he threw up on you.”
Well Sin might have beaten me to it but that was rather brutal.
“Indeed and I didn’t need a keen sense to find you after all you aren’t in the middle of the forest anymore you were being used as a sign for directions on the side of the road, and all the monsters here were exterminated when the road was built.”
I felt rather good about that. Now it might have been an optical illusion but the dick on a stick seemed to be wilting his “head” was hanging lower.
“I am not even sure why you thought Oldor would need to slay a dragon to learn about its blood after all I simply gave him the blood to play with. I suppose if you really wanna thank someone for your freedom you should thank me since Oldor would never have thrown up on you if he hadn’t walked head first into my ass and it was me who told him about the history of the sign post.”
I walked over to Lindis and without a word I hit him with a Ki powered liver blow that dropped him like a rock and left him foaming at the mouth. Seriously what was he thinking bringing up such a horrible memory?
A long silence went on………………………………………………………………
“Excuse me but if you could just seal me back up and be on your way. I think we should both just put this encounter behind us.”
The ungrateful prick. “no way and I wouldn’t know how to reseal you even if I wanted to plus I bet someone would by you for at least a few coins maybe some magic historian would hang you up on his mantle or a researcher might want to dissect you to see how you work.”
I might have just a little cruel streak.
“Sell me! I the greatest tool and companion of the mighty Oldor will not stand for this.”
“Blah blah you keep saying you are so great but I I have seen so far is talk.”
Granted I talking stick was kind of cool but this guy was a cock in more ways then one.
“Fine boy if you doubt me come try me for yourself now grasp my massive shaft!”
I did as he said and then took him and walked a ways away before I slammed him tip first into the ground. The hell was he saying “grasp my massive shaft” was the universe trying to tell me something well hell no I refuse.
A muffled voice kept coming from the ground, how did that happen he doesn’t even have a mouth? After a few minutes I pulled him back out of the ground paraphrasing one of my favorite rappers I shouted.
“My gift is a curse, I will forget the earth an I have the urge to pull my dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe.”
Saying that I raised the staff high over my head and started pulling all the magic I could manage through the staff. Black smoke started rising shrouding the staff and I in an ominous darkness.
The magic power I pulled through the staff started to rise like a flood beyond any power I had ever gathered before. The raging power seeking an outlet started to rampage around my body like black lightning. Pulling the magic from the staff in my right hand through my body into the runes on my chest and then into my left arm the red light flared then shifted turning darker and darker until it too was almost black. I whipped the staff back behind my head as I brought my fist straight into the ground. I could barely even touch the ground the moment I did the back blast lifted me high into the air throwing me backwards. Remembering the last crash landing I had I quickly flipped over putting my feet under me as I crashed down slicing the staff into the dirt drawing a large arc behind me to halt my progress and dissipate any remaining magic power. Coming to a stop I waited for the dust to settle before I could observe the results of my attack. I was impressed… a crater had formed maybe fifty to sixty meters across and a solid five meters deep at the center the shockwave alone had also sent Lindis and Sin flying but at least Lindis had managed to grab Sin and shield her from the fall with his own body while being rewarded with the sensation of her own warm soft ripening body on his in return. As I turned my head around me saw that I had been thrown all the way across the road into the bushes on the side of it. Well there were no bushes where I was instead there was a meter deep groove in the ground tracing a graceful ark where the staff had gouged it to stop my fall. Holding the staff in my right hand I was trembling with excitement, this was it this was what I wanted from a fantasy world experiencing new things never before seen in my world. Raising the staff up high over my head I couldn’t help shout out.
“I caught a legendary wild dick!”
Hahahahaha I couldn’t help but laugh this was epic.
“its good you recognize my power but could you please call me something else anything else really.”
Well I suppose he had at least earned that still what does one name a legendary weapon…
His words kept coming back to me.
“Grasp my massive SHAFT.”…..then there were his first words “hahahahaha freedom MOTHER FUCKERS.” There was also the fact that he was a massive black dick…
“Very well my friend there is but one name I can give you, from this day forward you shall be called Samuel l. Jackson though I shall call you jack for short.”
He seemed to like that quite a lot actually so having settled that I went to check on Lindis and Sin. Sin was kneeling over Lindis head while giving him a lap pillow the enviable bastard. After discussing it with Sin and Lindis it became apparent that Lindis had broken hi leg in the fall he took while shielding Sin so we decided to head back to my house still only a half days walk away instead of try to make it to Elfhiem which was still two and a half days away.
If ever there was a strange adventurer party we were it after all you had me a pasty white skinned red eye black haired four year old boy with a horrible scar running across his face princess carrying a teenage at this moment rather effeminate blushing wood elf in his arms while being followed by a blond busty elven loli maid carrying a talking big black dick on a stick as we went down the dusty road.
As we went along Jack started to talk about his powers and the Original Oldor who made him and lastly about my tattoo runes.
It was quite interesting and very rambling after being entombed for a few millennia he seemed to want to talk so I let him. The main points were these the staff was made of adimantium an un-breakable metal and the stone was a soul shard a fraction of Odor’s own being imbued with his knowledge and a personality all its own. The runes were engraved and then layered in dragon’s blood but not a thousand year dragons blood like my runes, no they had to one up me by using the blood of a ten thousand year old dragon lord. The purpose of the runes was to allow the user to manipulate even greater quantities of magic safely which was why my magic power had increased tremendously.
Oldor had spent much of his life discovering magic and teaching himself to use it by the time he had mastered it and returned from his hermitage he was too old and terrifyingly powerful to get a date he never got laid or had kids and became horribly depressed not wanting to spend an eternity of solitude he split the remainder of his soul into other objects he had made and then sealed them before he finally perished.
It was a touching story with a very important moral. Even in a fantasy world if you learn magic and are still a virgin by thirty you will be a wizard for life.
And finally he talked to me about my rune tattoos Oldor the original had done something similar but found it ineffective in the long run if one used a magical beast hide as armor it would interfere with my ability to draw magic to the runes. I could get around this by leaving my hands exposed and placing runes in series on my chest to run the magic through pulling the magic from the staff across my chest and into my other arm much like I already did, but by adding more runes I would increase the power that Jack could give me or at least let me handle safely otherwise I would deep fry all my innards.
After returning home and getting Lindis healed and introducing jack to my parents they joked about how they thought I might be coming back again so they had already prepared dinner for us. It was really very depressing.
The next morning as I headed out on my first adventure for the fourth time I reflected on our previous attempts and realized a pattern was emerging. First attempt I slayed a great magic beast. Second attempt I gained a sexy traveling companion. Third attempt I received a legendary weapon. It this kept up I would be a grown adult and possibly the ruler of the world by the time I made it to Elfhiem. Letting out the longest sigh of my life I set out once again.