I’m sorry, Naomi, but you left me no choice.
I need to defend your character development and bring you to a place that won’t distract you from your divine duty. A place where everything is possible. A place where souls can connect without judgement, where trembling lips can join under a summer moonlight and where backstories are revealed between two heart-to-hearts. A school trip, with all the suspense, the drama and the close-ups of cherry blossom trees. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?
“Hic.”
I knew you would agree.
So here they were, setting off for another adventure on the coast of Oregon to enjoy the warm breeze, the green beaches and the mysteries of teenage love. It was Rosedale’s first attempt at organizing an orientation trip to strengthen ties between classes, and the faculty had created a full schedule for this day of leisure. With an amusement park, a soccer game, a picnic and a historic tour of the city, who knows what relationships could blossom in the intimacy of a school event? But as she was trying to ignore the jubilant bus clamor, Naomi was suddenly hit by a designer bag and the teenager gave Madison a death stare as she dropped next to her. She couldn’t remember a single time where the cheerleader didn’t make an annoying entrance, and as Madison spread her legs on the front seat, Naomi imagined what she would look like with a broken nose.
It was a truly invigorating thought, but Steve had just made his way to the back of the bus, and she was not going to splash the only person that she found somewhat bearable.
“Soooo, I take it that the school trip is the Author’s fault?” giggled Madison while tapping on her phone. “That’s fine by me, I would go pretty much anywhere to avoid going to class. Are we any closer to figuring out who that God might be?”
“Hic.”
“W-Well, we have been a little distracted with the murder and everything, but I did manage to get some information from the manuscripts,” said Steve as he pulled out an old book from his bag. “There’s a class of hellish creatures called Devamoses, who f-feed out of romantic and sexual desires by tricking people into pursuing them. They take the form of their ultimate s-soulmate and slowly steal their vital energy to make them weak, until they can finally eat them.”
“Hic.”
“If that’s what the Author is, he sure does a shit job at choosing his target or introducing love interests. It doesn’t look like those two doofuses will manage to eat our girl anytime soon.”
Naomi frowned as she counted the electric poles on the side of the road. This story about Devamoses seemed like a reasonable theory and yet, something didn’t sound right. Why would a succubus-like creature take the time to write a romance novel to achieve its goals? That shitbag Author only seemed interested in a ‘happy ending’ and the drama of a love triangle, rather than getting something from her. Naomi felt that the mystery behind the Author was much bigger than anything they could ever fathom, and as she bent over to pull something from her bag, she noticed a set of arms between her and Madison.
It was some dude who seemed like he had patiently been waiting for attention, but when Naomi gave him her most hostile glance, the newcomer just waved at her with amusement. With his round face, his smiling eyes and lustrous beard, the stranger gave off the sympathetic energy of a lumberjack and Naomi half expected him to break out in a song at any moment. His coal hair was kept in a tight ponytail that fell on his shoulder, and as Naomi got lost in the craftmanship of his Star Wars shirt, the newcomer looked at her from above his glasses before he broke out laughing. His voice was deep and warm, like the narrator of a Christmas movie.
“Sick bags! It takes me weeks of hardcore gaming on WoW to look as unhealthy as you.”
What. Why was that fat version of Cole Walliser talking to her?
But before anyone’s blood could get spilled on the windows, Madison turned around to participate in the discussion and her face lit up in a matter of seconds. A moment later, she had locked her arms around the stranger’s neck and the bus resonated with enthusiastic squeals.
“Chris! I can’t believe you made it without getting noticed!” exclaimed Madison while covering his face with kisses. “Guys, let me introduce you to my wonderful boyfriend, Christopher Yagami, who works as a radio host in Portland. Chris, meet the crazy girl who’s being tortured by God and the quiet guy who’s following us around. But he’s all right, I guess.”
“Hic.”
“Sweet! Nice to finally put a face on your names.”
“Hic.”
“Jesus, Naomi,” snapped Madison as she turned toward her friend. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been hiccupping for two hours straight.”
She couldn’t help it. Naomi had been recommended exposure therapy several times to challenge her fears, but the teenager never trusted the advice of people who needed to hang up their credentials. She had basically raised herself anyway, and as long as people didn’t talk to her, looked at her, touched her or badmouthed John Wick, she was a perfectly functional member of society. However, since Naomi had avoided traveling in anything that looked like an oven of death for more than four years, her body was now paying the price of the sudden confrontation.
“Y-You look very pale, Naomi. Is everything okay?”
Nope. Nothing was okay, and things had not been okay for a very long time now.
While her face remained neutral, Naomi’s clothes were drenched with sweat and the girl was shivering so much that her seat had made it halfway into the aisle. But since feelings were overrated and killing a bus of school children was not very PC, Naomi’s body had chosen infernal hiccupping to express its qualms. On loop, to force the teenager to escape the box of nightmares.
Taking a deep breath to calm down her furious heartbeat, Naomi curled up against the window to stop the spiral of agonizing thoughts, but her mind was stuck in panic mode. Every time she closed her eyes, the girl could see six different flashes of her imminent death and Naomi stared at the countryside in frustration. Losing control was making her so angry that she once bashed her head against the bed frame to ‘beat insomnia at its own game,’ and it gave the teenager a brilliant idea.
But as she was about to show her body who was in charge and give us all a show to remember, Steve decided to kill everyone’s fun and put his headphones on her ears. How kind and delightful!
I wonder what groundbreaking artist Naomi will get to discover with Mr. Boring over there. A 35-minute song about time? A serenade about a heartbreak, perhaps? Maybe a song about oh GOD, that is not Taylor Swift. I repeat, that is NOT Taylor Swift.
Okay, you may have thought that Steve was the sanest character of the bunch but let me pop your bubble and tell you that it was all a ruse. Have you ever heard of anyone offering death metal to calm the nerves of an anxious friend? And have you ever heard of anyone offering THIS kind of death metal? Even where I come from, we think it’s barbaric. I never heard anyone sing so much about the erotism of dead bodies before.
“It’s all right to be nervous, sometimes,” smiled Steve as the guttural voice started talking about crucifying politicians. “To be honest, I don’t have the b-best home life and sometimes things get so chaotic that I wish I could just bury my head in some sand and wait for the storm to pass. T-That’s what drawing or listening to music does for me, it brings me a lot of peace! You don’t need to t-talk about it if you don’t want to, but my headphones are always available if you need a little quiet time.”
Another person would have probably been freaked out to discover that their boring friend was getting off listening to pro-anarchy, ultraviolent death metal, but I guess that was far from the weirdest thing Naomi discovered this week. Taking a deep breath as she embraced the musical death threats, the teenager…put her head against Steve’s shoulder?? Wow. All right. I see.
That was unexpected, but I guess I can still work with that. Maybe with a little narrative arch in Steve’s childhood house, where he opens about his bird traumas and shares more of his disturbing hobbies as the wild forest is in a fierce battle against a thunderstorm. Then, in the faint light of the vintage living room, as they dance timidly to the sound of a gramophone, their gazes could slowly lock and-
“Stop it.”
“S-Stop what?”
Fine, fine. You can’t blame an immortal being for trying.
Since we can’t have fun anymore, let’s just skip one more hour and say that they made it to the big city, whose name will remain a secret to avoid the “It DoESn’T LOoK lIKe ThAt” in the comments. Throwing herself out of the bus with a deep breath of relief, Naomi took a few minutes to relax her tensed muscles before looking around her alert. She couldn’t see any of her love interests and Naomi thought that it could be her moment. Her only chance at escaping destiny and spending a somewhat acceptable day in a movie theater, but there was not much room for dreams.
A few seconds later, one of the teachers blew their whistle and called for students to form groups of three, and Naomi was instantly snatched by the scenario. Because they fought during the entire trip, Josh and Logan had been given a friendship shirt to share for the remaining of the excursion, and they were naturally paired with the other problematic element of the school. Oh, my.
What a great turn of events. What were the chances?
Recording her friend being dragged away with a mocking laugh, Madison unpacked a lollipop in a power move before turning toward Steve. While most of the groups were spreading around to start exploring the city, the teenager was using the tourist office’s map to pin some locations on his phone and Madison looked over his shoulder with curiosity. His background picture showed a pixelated photograph of a generic bedroom, with only a few plants and piles of books serving as decoration. There also were a few instruments lying here and there, and despite the low quality of the snapshot, it seemed like Steve found great pleasure in capturing this moment.
“What are you looking all excited for, nerd?”
“O-Oh! I just heard that there were cute bookstores in the city and apparently, they sell a very unique kind of p-paint that I’ve been trying to find for a long time,” smiled Steve. “My dream is to have my room filled with watercolor landscapes from all around the country!”
“You draw, dude? What a coincidence! Maddie draws as well and she’s pretty damn talented,” said Chris as he dug into his pocket. “Look at what she did the other day, it’s called ‘Taken by the T-Rex: The Forbidden Chronicles of an Untamed Housewife.’ Isn’t that shit awesome? ”*
Taking out a phone from his pocket, the radio host showed Steve a picture of a sexy huntress lying down in a verdurous field while a mighty dinosaur loomed in the background, and the teenager nodded with attention. It opened the door to so many horrifying possibilities that Steve was unsure of what to add, aside from a multitude of technical questions. There was no denying that someone put a lot of effort into Photoshopping the cover, and Madison’s cheeks turned crimson red when she realized what the duo was examining.
“Chris! Y-You’re making me look uncool in front of the noob!” screamed the model as she tried to get the phone back. “That was Season 3 me, it doesn’t represent my current state of mind!”
“Why? I think it’s p-pretty incredible that you draw comics! You created an entire universe, a wide panel of characters and you even invented a language? It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and s-share what you’re doing with strangers. It’s wonderful to have a passion!”
“Damn, where were you hiding this guy all that time?” scoffed Chris as he ruffled Steve’s hair. “Much better than all the mean cunts you used to hang out with. How about you guys go on a shopping spree and buy art supplies so we can all do a painting contest later? I’ll take care of the snacks, and the crazy girl will take care of the comedy. Doesn’t that sound rad, babe?”
“…Okay, fine. I guess that…sounds pretty fucking rad, or whatever.”
“That’s a date, then! Love you 3000, I’ll catch up with your cute butt later.”
Waving Chris goodbye as he disappeared into the crowd, Steve turned to Madison to ask for directions, but the cheerleader had already started walking toward the city center. In fact, the girl was trying so much to put distance between them that she started grabbing accessories from store windows to build a camouflage, but it was ineffective. All she gained was police attention and a grubby set of hats, and Steve soon caught up with her with an understanding smile.
“Y-You and your boyfriend look very cute together. He seems like a nice person.”
“AH! God, don’t sneak up on me like that, you know I can’t remember your face,” grumbled Madison while readjusting her Heineken sunglasses. “And I hate liars, so you can stop pretending.”
“What do you mean? Are you s-still embarrassed by your comics? Well, I’m not that versed in the subject, b-but I thought the way you drew semen was very on point and-”
“First of all, I never want to hear that word come out of your word again and I’m going to pretend this conversation never happened. Second, it has nothing to do with my drawings,” sighed Madison as she rolled her eyes. “Every time I introduce Chris to anyone, I always get the same comments and I’m getting tired of it. He’s always too intense, his hair is too long, his shirts too childish, or whatever the hell people want to criticize him for. My parents were the literal worst and kept judging our relationship during the entire dinner while pretending to ask genuine questions. Why can’t people see how happy he makes me? He’s the first person who accepted me for who I am, and I’ve known that he was the man of my dreams since the day I met him. Who else would make me a Monika sex costume for our anniversary or troll me on 4chan for 79 hours straight? If that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is!”
“Madison, you d-don’t need to justify anything to me,” smiled Steve. “Your relationship is no one else’s business and I’m sorry people have been disrespecting you that way. B-But I meant what I said: he looks like he t-takes great care of you and I think you guys have an amazing connection. I’m very happy for you.”
The cheerleader stared at him with distrust before breaking into a gentle smile.
“Mmh. I guess you’re pretty wise, despite your lack of substance and your generic name.”
“Thank you! I’m glad I could help.”
“…You know, you take out all the pleasure of bullying you by being so damn accommodating,” Madison sighed as she returned to her shopping frenzy. “No one likes suck-ups.”
“Really? I’m very sorry, I d-didn’t know. How can I make you more comfortable?”
“Uuuuugh, whatever. Let’s buy our stuff and get- Have I just seen what I think I saw?”
Taking out a baseball cap from her pile to stick it on Steve’s head, Madison then kneeled behind a souvenir cart to point at a group of teenage girls. Staring at their phones with giggles and whispering to one another, there wouldn’t have been anything abnormal about this group of friends if it wasn’t for the strange drawings that stuck out of their uniforms. As one of the girls bent over to look at her classmate’s screen, Madison saw the same eyes that were drawn on their stalker’s skin and the cheerleader instantly understood the connection. Dragging Steve behind her with excitement, Madison dove into the crowd to spy on them without getting noticed, and the girls soon disappeared to a remote neighborhood. Tiptoeing from wall to wall to follow her targets, the part-time model suddenly heard the giggles stop and Madison hid behind a pile of cupboards with a racing heart. Forming a circle in the middle of the paved street, the girls had put on a long purple coat over their school uniform and threw their blazers away to reveal their eye-covered arms.
“What are they doing?” whispered Steve.
Putting on their mask as they chanted “Complicated” from Avril Lavigne with a church-like, monotone voice, the girls bowed down to a wall before a mysterious passage slowly broke its way into the bricks. But as the teenagers disappeared into the alley one by one, Madison threw herself on the remaining two and threw their heads against one another in a brutal clash. Wearing an insolent smirk, the girl then posed in front of the camera by raising her palm across her face and extending her fingers like a fan. As she stood there with this intense expression and her legs held straight, Madison suddenly felt the urge of avenging her father’s death by tracking down her adopted brother and mastering the power of Hamon, and everything was right in the world.
Wait a minute, was that a motherfucking-
“Awesome. I can’t wait to see Naomi’s face when we tell her we’ve been infiltrating a cult while she was busy playing hide and seek with her undeveloped Chads,” snickered Madison as she stole one of her victims’ masks. “Follow me, nerd. Today is the day you become a man.”
“Okay!”
*
Needless to say that the trip didn’t turn out like Logan hoped it would, and the teenager kicked an abandoned can with boiling resentment.
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
It was difficult enough to have to spend the day with Josh, but seeing him steal Naomi’s attention on a constant basis was unbearable for his sensitive heart. As usual, it was difficult to read what the girl was thinking, behind her fuming silence and numerous attempts to escape, but Logan couldn’t help but succumb to insecurity. The quarterback had constantly beaten him in every activity they participated in, and he had done all of this without his radiant hair ever falling out of place. He shot faster than him at the Love Fair, protected Naomi from a loose projector into the Tunnel of Passion, beat all their adversaries at the Game of Soulmates, and even brought homemade sandwiches for their picnic on the shore. Damn it! Because of his tragic backstory, which is yet to be revealed, Logan never had anyone to teach him those basic skills and the teenager was left with a bitter taste. If he had known that the price of being mysterious was to lose the girl of his dreams, the boy would have thought twice before copying My Chemical Romance and letting his hair obstruct his vision. How could he defeat his arch-nemesis when he couldn’t see anything?!
But as he was about to release his anger into vandalism, a movement near the fountain caught his attention and Logan took a step back to see who came to disturb him. It was an elegant man, dressed in a cashmere coat and a long black scarf that kept dancing into the wind. Despite his salt-and-pepper hair and wrinkled features, the playfulness in the stranger’s eyes made him seem ageless, like a beloved memory, and Logan felt drawn to him. His teeth were so white that the student seriously wondered if he was stuck in a commercial and it was funny, considering that he wasn’t so far from the truth. However, the visitor wasn’t part of the ploy.
He was a loose cannon who came to ruin everything.
“Hello, Logan. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“Mmh…Hi, sir,” he answered tentatively. “How do you know my name?”
“I know a lot of things about you. I know that you’re a fine young man with very strong feelings for a fierce, independent girl who doesn’t seem to notice you,” smiled the old man as Logan blushed with confusion. “Now, now. There’s no need to be embarrassed. I can read any young person’s heart, and I can hear their love grow in their soul before they even realize what hit them. Teenagers’ emotions are as intense as they are sincere, and their calls always reach me first.”
There was a long moment of silence, then Logan blurred the only question that came to his mind.
“Are you…Are you God, or something? Your face also looks very familiar…Are you Hugh Grant, the guy from Bridget Jones? Was Hugh Grant God all along??”
“I would love to discuss this further, but we have other matters at hand. Naomi’s friends are in danger, and I need help getting them out of their prison. I heard that you have several men under your command and their strength might be our only hope to rescue some innocent souls.”
“Wow, wow, wow! Slow down, I gave up on that life long ago,” argued Logan as he found a dark corner to pose dramatically. “And I can’t let Naomi alone with Mr. Perfect over there, who knows what he’s going to tell her about me! It was my one shot to get close to her!”
“Well, it might be the chance to show her how you feel and that you’re ready to do anything to make her happy. I know it’s difficult, but don’t you think she would be hurt if she learned that you chose a petty competition over her friends? And would you really let helpless classmates be killed when you have the means to save them? It doesn’t really sound like you, now, does it?”
Taking a deep breath to collect his thoughts, Logan looked over his shoulder to get a glimpse of Naomi and something broke inside his chest. Covering her face to protect herself from Josh’s halo, the girl was throwing rocks into the sea and Logan felt his heart melt at the sight of her exasperated pout. Jealousy was a new feeling for him, and when he watched the quarterback shower Naomi with flowers in a musical segment, Logan realized that he could not win by stepping on his toes. If he was to win her heart, it would be by being his real casual self, not a dull copy of Josh Cullton. Logan wanted to keep that cherished face to himself so badly, but it was because Naomi was so strong and elusive that the teenager fell for her in the first place. What would she think of him now, if she heard him hesitate to help her over a senseless rivalry?
She probably wouldn’t care and run away from him, and it was so adorable.
“…Fine. I’ll make a few calls, but I hate everything about this plan,” sighed Logan. “Shouldn’t we tell Naomi about this, though? It feels wrong to hide it from her.”
“She’s too deep into the narrative to help them. If she tries to come with us, the Author will do everything to slow us down and bring her back into the romance, so she’ll be more useful here,” said Hugh as he stepped into an ice cream truck. “Do you have any questions before we go?”
“Mmh, quite a few actually. I’m a little freaked out, so what do you mean by narrative-”
“That’s lovely but we don’t have much time. At this point, there’s only one way we can help Steve and Madison escape from the Red Eye Society.”
“Call the police and learn the error of our ways?”
“No,” smiled Hugh. “Are you familiar with the concept of deus ex machina?”
Oh, geez. I guess we’re doing this, now.
*
“…Okay, I may have been a tiny bit over my head, this time.”
Swallowing with difficulty as she scanned her surroundings, Madison pulled her hood down on her face and moved a few inches closer to her classmate. Spying on murderers sounded fun when it was said out loud, but as they climbed down a long line of crackling stairs and landed in a room full of golden snakes, the thrill suddenly didn’t seem all that worthy. The circular room was several floors underground, with no furniture other than a marble altar, a series of dusty candelabra, and an enormous mirror at the very back. Some purple curtains were loosely hanging all over the walls, but what dominated the chamber was the ceiling covered in dark clay drawings, which all depicted eyes in a chaotic fusion. Evidently, that was the creepiest shit she had ever seen.
Taking a deep breath to find her focus, Madison started paying attention to her fellow cult members and the teenager bit her lip in anxiety. There were a little less than thirty people in the room, all sitting in a circle around the altar, and while they were all wearing the same googly eyes mask, Madison could hear that most followers were women. In fact, the two girls talking next to her were sophomores in a local high school who shared a great passion for Harry Potter, and the cheerleader cringed at the intensity of their devotion. Exchanging their headcanons and theories about their favorite books, the girls then promised each other to judge themselves fairly during the ceremony and Madison’s blood ran cold. She had forgotten in which novel she was living and, oh boy.
Here came the stupid consequences of her stupid choices.
“Shit, they’re talking about fanfictions,” Madison cursed. “I love my shows too much to risk seeing my favorite characters succumb to the chilling fantasies of a 13-year-old girl and I ended up never writing one. Do you have anything?”
“I-I have a little something on my phone, but it doesn’t take inspiration from any work of fiction.”
“Have you been sleeping under a rock lately? Do a reverse Fifty Shades of Grey and replace all your characters with a celebrity! Hurry up now, it’s going to be our turn soon.”
Suddenly, the back mirror started glowing in a multicolor light and the artifact took an intangible shape, wavy and transparent like water. Then a second later, a hooded man came out of the mirror in a dazzling flash and Madison’s mouth dropped to her knees. The newcomer wore the same outfit as his followers, except for his black mask which only had three eyes in the middle. Staring at the cult leader with anticipation, Steve trembled as he walked to the middle of the room and extended his hands to the audience, immediately commanding silence. He anxiously awaited as the sorcerer lit up a candle at the altar and made a long monstrous shriek, a disarticulated noise that sounded like despair itself. Then the sex scenes came.
Out of nowhere, the cult leader started reading a cheesy story about a shy high school girl with a messy bun who goes to a concert and suddenly, the sex scenes were there. More graphic and moist with each cult member, the sex scenes just kept flowing and it seemed like the dam would never close again. There were so many of them. They wouldn’t stop coming.
“I woke up in a hospital, alone and scared, with no recollection of who I was. Then suddenly, a guy came at the right moment and he was so hot that I almost fell back into a coma.
‘Oh! My sister finally woke up from the hospital! Let me take you on the One Direction tour and finally bring you out of this place.’ I didn’t understand anything, but his dimples were so dreamy that I was ready to follow him anywhere. ‘What is One Direction?’ ‘This is my band, my name is Zayn Malik, and you are Aphrodite Raven Jupiter Malik, my beloved little sister.’
I couldn’t believe my eyes, or the sight of his rock-hard rectus abdominis under his Balenciaga shirt. ‘Just so you know, though,’ added Zayn, ‘You’ll have to live with me from now on because our dad died in a paraglider accident, and you killed our big brother by stepping on him, so our mom doesn’t want us anymore. You also have cancer, but it’s something we can take care of later.’
I didn’t listen to anything he said because I realize something crazy, yet magical. I had just fallen in love with Zayn Malik. I had just fallen in love…with my brother?”
“Oh god, I’m going to be sick,” moaned Madison.
“Wonderful cliffhanger, sister. Let’s hear the next contribution, now.”
“As I opened the door, I discovered in horror that my entire family had been slaughtered and I fell to my knees with an agonizing scream. But as I crawled to hold my mother’s decapitated head, I felt a warm breath near my throat and my blood ran cold. I knew immediately who it was, and the terror it brought strangely aroused a tingling feeling in my private girl parts.
‘Well, well, well, Lacie. I believed I told you what would happen if you didn’t answer my text,’ whispered Sonic seductively as his fangs got closer to my carotid. ‘Such a disobedient girl.’
‘You are sick!’ I answered as I gasped for air, trying not to give in to the mounting desire. ‘You are a hedgehog, but you are also part vampire and part Irish! Why are you giving in to the forces of Darkness? Why did you kill my family?!’
‘That’s because my feelings for you are so strong…that they scare me. Will you marry me?’
Trying not to trip over my baby brother’s blood, I threw myself into his arms and we flew away into the night. The bad boy came to terms with his feelings, and we were finally happy.”
“It doesn’t sound really legal,” murmured Steve with perplexity. “Is that lady o-okay?”
“Thank you, brother, very romantic. Let’s move on to our last offering, which I’m sure will be delightful.”
Steve knew that the sorcerer was addressing him, but feeling all those eyes turned toward him made his legs feel like they were made of stone. Finally giving in to the violent nudges that Madison kept throwing into his ribs, the teenager stood up and stared at his phone with timidity. It wasn’t his proudest achievement, but Steve had found that writing was a great cathartic exercise that allowed an artist to channel negative emotions into something productive. He didn’t know if the audience went through similar experiences, but if his work could teach a group of strangers to let go of their fears, then maybe sharing his thoughts would be worth it. Right? Ah! Ah!
It’s going to be terrifying, isn’t it.
“When the blood was starting to flow a little less slowly, the man moved on to the legs. The man hung Mabel's nipples next to the scalp and started to cut Mabel's legs.
He started to cut faster than a race car driver on a smooth asphalt track. The cuts kept on appearing on her kneecaps until the cap bone was exposed. By that time, her lower legs and her body were only attached by a thin string of cartilage. Then the guy moved on to her toes. With the knife as sharp as knife, he cut every one of her little toes off.
Mabel body was losing so much blood that she started to flatten out. The place where it was mostly coming out of, was her toes. The toe blood was making a sea of red on the floor.
The man, now with his Taco Bell fleece jacket splattered with red on it, now dug the knife into Mabel's left foot. He began to make another cut, similar to what he did to her scalp, and began to cut the skin off of the foot.”**
There was a prolonged moment of stunned silence before horrified cries and uncontrollable sobbing started resonating in the cave. A second later, a wave of cult members had dashed into the high school pair and taken away their robes to reveal the deception. Steve’s monster child has caused so much dismay that the ceremony had turned into a chamber of chaos, where people were smashing their faces against the walls, eating up their own hair or rolling around screaming. Madison hadn’t seen such collective madness since the Rosedale Homecoming Ball of 2016, and it didn’t take long until the teenager was held down by a group of hysterical assailants.
“What the fuck, Steve?! We were trying to make people horny, not give them intergenerational trauma!!” shouted Madison as she was taken away. “I can’t die before the end of One Piece!!”
“I-I’m sorry! I picked the first character that came to my mind!”
“The character you picked was not the problem!! And why the hell is it about Taco Bell?!”
“I-I guess I have a lot of unresolved issues with fast food??” blabbered Steve as they were getting tied up. “That’s where I spent most of my childhood, I even got a Platinum membership card!”
But as the pair continued arguing over what would cause their imminent demise, the cult leader clapped his hands and the noise resonated so loudly that the room finally fell into silence. Pulling on his ties as the sorcerer walked toward them, Steve felt goosebumps run down his neck until the tip of his fingers, and the teenager closed his eyes with a shiver of fear. Getting killed out of hatred for his writing was certainly one interesting way to die, and at least his mother wouldn’t get the occasion of making a fool of herself at his funeral. He could already see her try to slide her number into the pockets of unwary men as she cried against their shoulders, or drunkenly give a speech to complain about the absence of Oprah Winfrey at the reception, despite her many letters.
But as Steve plunged a little deeper into his morbid fantasies, the cult leader suddenly busted out laughing and took out his mask in a dramatic fashion. Madison would have recognized this face in a crowd of thousands and as her eyes widened in disbelief, the villain turned around his prey as if he was trying to gauge them. His chiseled face used to appear in so many media that he constantly looked like he was going to pose, and when the cheerleader noticed his shaggy brown hair, athletic build and emerald eyes, Madison knew that there was no more room for doubt.
Apparently, when he was not busy touring the world or making an appearance in war movies, Harry Styles seemed to be the head of an underground organization.
“Well, well, well. It seems like the worms finally made it out of their hole and decided to meet us themselves,” sneered the singer while leaning toward his prisoners. “I thought we made it clear enough, when we sent one of our agents after you, that we wanted you out of this story. This novel is not about you, fellas, and you’re reeeeally fucking everything up by putting your puny little noses where they don’t belong. Why couldn’t you stay in the safety of the background? Now you’re all going to die, and your friend is not even going to remember you.”
“…Am I dreaming or is Harry Styles threatening to kill us?” whispered Madison.
“I have no idea who that p-person is. Is it going to make us die f-faster?”
“I’m sorry, am I boring you?” intervened Harry in offended annoyance. “You either had a very deplorable education, or you didn’t quite catch the gravity of your situation. I said that you turds were going to die! And honestly, even if you didn’t stumble upon our world domination schemes, you’d still deserve to die for the pestilent shard of toxic human nightmare that you just read.”
“Kiss my ass, you pervert!” exploded Madison as the audience gasped in horror. “I’m not going to be lectured by some thirsty gremlins who read mediocre prose in some back alley and tie up strangers instead of providing constructive criticism! My creepy friend tried his best, here!”
“I-I really did!”
“Yeah! And if you think that you’re scaring us with your kinky candles and your stupid red coats, then you’re out of your freaking mind! We’re going to beat the hell out of you, get out of here and oh my GOD, is that Park Ji-Min?!”
Suddenly entering the scene in a swarm of butterflies, the mighty Jimin waved under the adoring screams of cult members. I guess this part must be a little confusing if you don’t know BTS, but let’s just say that his face has confused an entire section of the population about their sexuality. Approaching Harry as his cape danced in the background, Jimin offered his audience a flamboyant entrance, but Steve couldn’t help but tense with discomfort. The K-Pop star seemed to know exactly how to pose to make an impression, but his expression was so blank that it seemed like a puppet was controlling his movements. In fact, his voice was barely discernible when he finally spoke up, but it didn’t seem to bother any of the fans who were squirming in exhilaration.
“I’m going to gouge out your eyes and make myself some earrings.”
“I love you too, Jimin !!” screamed Madison. “You’re so handsome and your skin looks like freshly baked bread! I will do whatever you want if you just let me touch your essence!!”
“M-Madison, don’t be distracted by his cheekbones! Your heart belongs to somebody else!” shouted Steve as the cheerleader tried to free herself from her ties. “What is wrong with her?!”
“Trying to talk to her is useless. My man Jimin has a special aura that drives women insane and makes them not hear the scary shit he keeps saying. One time, he ate a bird on stage and the fans said it was the most heartwarming thing they’d ever seen. I’m not even kidding, that crap is still trending on Twitter!” laughed Harry as he slapped his partner’s shoulder. “Isn’t that right, pal?”
“I’m going to cut your stomach open and crawl inside for warmth.”
“Okay, now you’re freaking me out. Go play somewhere while the adults talk,” sighed the celebrity as he threw a bloodied bone to the other side of the room. “Now, what was I saying?”
“I-I must admit that I’m quite impressed,” said Steve. “Are you doing all of this by yourselves?”
“I’m glad to see someone who appreciates our efforts! Jimin and I are the heads of the Red Eye Society in the United States, but the operation spreads across the entire world. Justin Bieber used to be with us too, but that poser found Jesus or whatever, and now he thinks he’s too good to hang out,” grimaced Harry as the rest of the cult rolled their eyes. “It took me a long time to get over the trust issues his betrayal caused. Great therapist! Too bad I had to bury her alive afterward.”
“That’s not v-very nice of him. It must’ve really hurt your feelings!”
“Right?? Anyway, we’re basically promoting content for Hell in exchange for a lifetime of success, money, drugs…You know, all the good stuff. When our employers notice the creation of a story, song, or any work of art that can serve their purpose, our role is then to do everything to make it famous. We spread tons of derivations on the Internet, we boost their marketing efforts, we create fake accounts on Wattpad and poof! Suddenly After is a best-seller. It really takes a lot of commitment because waiiiiit a minute. You’re not making me talk so you can stall me and find an escape route, are you?”
“I would never do that!” objected the teenager. “B-But why does Hell need fanfictions?”
“Fanfictions are just a giant hit down there. Every time there’s a new one coming out, it’s like the release of a Marvel movie and it’s good for the economy. They also really like romantic comedies and pop songs from the early 2000s, but I never had the courage to get into any of those. I just don’t trust low-waist jeans,” whispered the popstar in confidence.
“Now that my uterus is no longer begging to carry Jimin’s children, I can see that you’re a reasonable man,” yawned Madison as she emerged from her feverish mania. “Can you believe that those horrors are coming back? With the bottom of the pants becoming a mud soup, the love handles falling from the belt and underage girls showing their thongs to the world? Next, please.”
“You know it, queen! Unfortunately, I’ll have to wrap this up because it’s almost time for The Batchelor and I reeeeally need you guys to die right now,” declared Harry as he dragged a projector from behind a curtain. “But before I do, I’m going to give you a PowerPoint presentation of my evil plan with exclusive access to archive pictures. It has been a real self-discovering journey, and I thought that I would start with the day I decided to clone myself to better understand the plebe. It’s actually a very funny story, and it all began when-”
But as torture was about to begin, the cave was suddenly shaken by a brutal explosion and the distant sound of a commercial lullaby came to everyone’s ears. A second later, a giant ice cream had pierced the walls of the chamber and a wave of armed men ran into the cult members with warrior screams. Gritting his teeth in frustration, Harry then removed his robes to reveal a sophisticated ninja outfit and the popstar whistled between his fingers as he took out his katana. In a long series of luminous flashes, an army of shinobi responded to the call and emerged from the cult mirror to clash against their enemies. Quickly freed from their chairs by passing fighters, Steve and Madison then crawled to the side of the room for safety and the cheerleader suddenly heard repeated honks in the background. Raising her chin while trying to dodge the blood splatters, Madison suddenly saw who was inside the ice cream truck and the girl rolled her eyes.
The crazy things men did, just to get her attention.
“We’re here to save you! Hurry up and get in!” shouted Logan as he punched a ninja out of the vehicle. “I sacrificed some precious time with Naomi to be here, so you guys better not die on the way out!”
“How did you know we were here? We didn’t tell anyone and we’re probably ten feet underground!” said Madison as she climbed into the van. “And who the hell is that?!”
“It’s Hugh Grant. We sympathized today and apparently there’s no time to explain.”
“Hello, my child,” smiled the actor while holding Madison’s hand. “It must have been a terrible experience but there’s no need to be afraid. We’ll take it from here.”
“…I don’t know if I’m turned on, or if I want to open a 401(k) and spend the rest of my life serving the sick and needy,” frowned the cheerleader after a short moment of silence. “Are you God?”
“Yeah, that’s his general vibe,” sighed Logan as he slammed the door on someone’s hand. “Hold on to something, we’re not out of the woods, yet!”
Never letting go of his peaceful smile, Hugh turned the wheel with screeching tires and everyone flew to the other side of the vehicle. As they escaped the battle in a series of cool skids and collateral murders, Madison realized that the truck had dug a tunnel through the rocks to access the Red Eye Society, and the teenager assumed that selling ice creams may have been a more violent profession than she initially thought. Looking over their shoulders to see the end of the fight, Madison and Steve then noticed that all cult members had run away from the ruins, and that Logan’s gangsters were slowly closing in on the remaining fighters.
Swiftly realizing that luck was no longer on his side, Harry then ran to Jimin and suddenly tore his arm off to throw it against his challengers. Far from bleeding, the arm then started shooting at everyone around and Harry jumped into Jimin’s arms with a diabolical laugh. Then, under the jaded gaze of the high schoolers, Jimin’s body detached from his legs and the singer’s torso flew away in a thick column of smoke. It could have been a touching scene if there wasn’t a giant crater in the middle of the city and dozens of corpses buried inside it.
“S-So I guess Jimin was a robot, huh?” said Steve.
“It explains a lot, somehow.”
A lot of stuff happened after that but I’m too lazy to write a decent paragraph, so I’m going to give you some kind of bullet point so your fragile human brains can follow. Blablabla, the group snatched Naomi from her wonderful date and they all drove toward Rosedale because, honestly, that was enough emotions for one day. Blablabla, they dropped Logan on the way back because he wouldn’t shut up about his abandonment issues and hidden love for lighthouses, and the video of his desperate cries as he ran after the truck gave Madison 67 new followers. Blablabla, Hugh Grant stopped in front of Naomi’s house and kind of disappeared on a rainbow bridge after giving some cryptic advice about a church, which probably won’t have any relevance for the rest of the scenario. Blablabla. Now here we are, in Naomi’s room, as Madison stands on the girl’s bed to show off her talents for storytelling and self-praise.
Not bad, wasn’t it? Maybe I should write the whole novel that way. No one appreciates me for what’s in my heart, anyway.
“Steve has been a freaking boss out there, and now we have tons of information to share about this creepy eye dude and the Author!” squealed Madison as she jumped in place. “Are you ready to have your mind blown ?!”
“My guy! I always knew that you were a man of action!” laughed Chris as he shared a high five with the high schooler. “I’m definitely ready to lose my mind, babe. I even brought my fancy Cheetos for the occasion, along with your Akatsuki jacket to give you more power.”
“God, I love you so fucking much.”
With the help of grotesque doodles and humorous mimicking skills, Madison told Chris and Naomi everything that happened since they first stepped foot into the city, and as anticipated, the main character was far from pleased. The Author had decided to release all the juicy lore during a chapter where she had a minor role, and Naomi was forced to admit that the narrator was pretty good at revenge. But now was not the time to drool over the lack of screen time: her friend’s work had brought her a capital answer, and everyone present realized the significance of Harry’s revelations. Turning toward Naomi as Madison was doing an Akatsuki photoshoot with her boyfriend, Steve then held his hands together and beamed with enthusiasm.
“It all makes sense now!” he exclaimed. “It was not God who was harassing you, Naomi! It was S-Satan! Now we can finally start looking for a way to weaken his influence!”
But as the teenager put everything together and finally reached a resolution, the window suddenly shattered into a million pieces and Naomi’s mind shut down in an instant. A group of kids had been playing soccer a few floors below and after one pass too many, their ball had inadvertently crashed into Naomi’s room.
Oh no. What a plot twist. How could this happen?
Still in shock, Madison and Steve stood up from the bed to face their unconscious friend while Christopher took care of yelling at the reckless youth outside. Almost buried under a pile of glass shards, Naomi had a dark bruise already forming in the middle of her forehead and the cheerleader immediately felt exhausted. So that’s how things were going to be, huh.
“…She’s going to forget everything again, isn’t she?” sighed Madison.
“Most d-definitely, yes.”
*Yep. That shit really does exist on the Internet.
**Yeeeeep. That shit too.