Naomi had been feeling a little drowsy lately. Her mistake was to think that she was “I-am-dangerously-insomniac” drowsy, not like “My-life-is-a-lie-and-a-overpowerful-Netflix- loving-doofus-has-taken-over-my-life” drowsy. Rookie mistake, really.
“Mrs. Whitaker?”
She probably should have suspected that something strange was happening, considering that she had spent the entirety of her life being moderately furious without knowing why and that most of her middle school memories involved tripping in front of wealthy men with unresolved trauma. Still, Naomi simply thought that, at most, she was being tricked into participating in an alien simulation, not manipulated by an all-powerful being into following high school tropes. Who could that person be? Which God’s ass could she beat up without offending anyone?
“Mrs. Whitaker? Did you hear what I said? You have been paired with Mr. Salvacelli, you must go sit with your partner now.”
It was weird to suddenly be in command of her thoughts, and it felt like a sparkly filter had been lifted from her eyes. Everything instantly got more annoying, which she didn’t think was possible, and Naomi couldn’t help but hiss at anything that made a sudden move in her direction. Her fists cramping so hard that her nails reddened with blood, Naomi realized that she couldn’t stand the sound of the air going up her nostrils, and the teenager thought that she might be slightly overwhelmed. Or terribly hungry, 50/50.
Was everything she ever went through a lie? She never took the time to evaluate her own life, as daydreaming made her want to burn hospitals, but all she could remember were boring anecdotes. Her first book, the smell of her mother’s shampoo, the first time she made a girl eat grass for refusing to play with her, the first time she gave a hug without vomiting right away. Only the good childhood stuff.
At the moment, Naomi didn’t feel like anyone was invading her brain, which either meant that her captor wasn’t watching at all times, or that her rebellious phase had pushed them out for a little while. Either way, the girl needed to make her move before the next brainwashing session and put a stop to the trash bag’s malicious plan. How stupid could it possibly be? It seemed like a lot of effort and black magic for no results, and Naomi couldn’t believe that her meals had been continuously interrupted for the past 17 years for some low-cost high school romance. It seemed like the narrator didn’t like her to deviate from the main story, and she knew the perfect place to ruin any cliché they could have planned for her.
Tijuana. The land of the Caesar Salad.
“Mrs. Whitaker, that’s enough monologuing! You must start working on the project or-”
It was easier to throw the World History professor out of the window rather than explain her intricate problem, so Naomi advanced her class recess by a few hours and disappeared with more erudite frowning. It wasn’t so complicated: if she wanted to escape the Author’s grasp, all she needed to do was run to a distant location where they wouldn’t have any influence, and what better place than the heavenly beaches of Tijuana? If she was lucky enough, the dirtbag controlling her life was American, and they would lose track of her as soon as they tried to figure out where Mexico was on a map. Reinvigorated by this new perspective, Naomi took off on her bike to pedal toward the closest airport, but the main plot was already standing in her way.
“Naomi Whitaker!” screamed a woman holding a briefcase in the middle of the road. “We need to talk to you! We looked into your file, and we think that we found your long-lost twin sister!”
Not interested.
“Mrs. Whitaker! We are delighted to announce that you are our millionth customer, and you have been chosen to taste an exclusive Pop Tart flavor!”
Really? No, you goddamn pig, focus on the road.
After another series of interactions not worth mentioning, Naomi finally made it to the airport only to discover that all the planes to Mexico had been canceled. Taking a deep breath and abandoning her bike in the middle of the hall, Naomi then did the sensible thing and finally went home. This thing had gone far enough already, and a 17-year-old couldn’t just decide to move to another country to taunt an almighty asshole. Turning around with an aching heart, Naomi then realized that you could not always run from your problems. Trials and tribulations formed the essence of human life, and challenging your demons head-on was sometimes the only way to become the best version of yourself and nah, just kidding, she totally hijacked a plane.
And she would have done it way sooner, had Naomi known that terrorism meant an infinite consumption of pistachio without the need to talk.
Coming out of the plane all refreshed ten hours later, Naomi was welcomed by a wall of army trucks and machine guns, and the teenager shook her head in annoyance. The airport was resonating with police sirens and helicopters whirling, and as she looked around for a plan of attack, the commandant started barking instructions in his megaphone. She had just found the perfect weapon, and nothing would stop her from getting her alternate ending.
“Naomi Whitaker, you are under arrest for violation of our immigration laws, trespassing, destruction of public property, and hijacking! Step out of the plane with your hands on your head and lay down on- What is she doing? Oh god, everyone down! EVERYONE DOWN!”
With the speed of a thousand snails, Naomi made her great escape behind the wheel of a golf cart and every soldier threw themselves to the side to avoid the explosion. After struggling to slide between two police scooters for a few minutes, the teenager then managed to leave the airport with great panache and the military men watched her drive away with bafflement. Then started an epic chase on a rocky desert road, with National Guard vehicles politely following Naomi’s pace to not break the justice’s magic nor hurt her criminal feelings, but the girl was starting to get tired of the breathtaking action. Gulping down water to wash out the mountains of nuts she had been ingesting, Naomi threw the bottle over her shoulder only to be startled by a loud blast. Looking behind her with curiosity, the girl saw that her disdain for the environment had created a giant tumult and that a black car with tainted windows had crashed into a ditch. It was at that moment that a brown truck broke the line of cars to come rolling next to her bolide, and the back door suddenly opened. A tourist with camouflage clothing and a scar across his eye gave out his hand to the fugitive and showed her the inside of the van with a quick nod.
“Caci! Climb up, we are going to drive you to safety!”
She had no idea what Caci meant in any language, but Naomi didn’t have the luxury to evaluate her options and jumped into the truck. As the police slowly disappeared into a cloud of sand and drama, the teenager turned toward her saviors and realized that they had way too many guns to be here on vacation. All members of the group wore a black bandana with a paramilitary symbol on the side, and the leader soon kneeled in front of her with a solemn expression.
It better not be a goddamn proposal, or she was going to seal all of her orifices with tape.
“Caci, we have been incredibly inspired by your act of defiance against the Mexican government, and we would be honored if you accepted to join our revolutionary efforts. Our country has been rotting from the inside for more years than we care to remember: our journalists are constantly under attack, the war against drug cartels is killing our civilians, and prisoners are being tortured. We have named you Caci after Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec goddess of death, because of the trail of pain and destruction that you have left behind you. Will you accept the honor of leading our people to a new millennium, free from the elite’s corruption and the reign of crime?”
Sweet. And what a horrible decision it was, for all the parties involved.
A few days later, the Pop-Tart Flyers were already flagged as a terrorist organization in more than seventy-four countries, and it became pretty difficult to find a Mexican city that was not on fire. Looking over her empire of delinquency while slurping on her apple juice, Naomi started twirling in her James Bond villain cape and walked around her evil lair to review the decoration. Turns out it was easier than she thought to stop being the main character, and she couldn’t understand why Rue Bennett didn’t just decide to drop all the teenage nonsense and start a new life as a J-Pop idol.
But as she was debating whether she should spice up her public appearances with an apple or a cat, one of her minions came into her office with a binder and Naomi welcomed him with her friendliest grunt. She liked micro-managing everything in her newfound organization, and she had discovered an innate talent for bossing people around while diabolically chewing on a snack.
“Your Horror, we have received news from your technical team and the Blueberry 2.0 is ready for launch,” announced the soldier. “We have received several warnings from the international community and several of our barricades have been crushed down by the army, but aside from small inconveniences I would say that-”
But as he took out a whiteboard to continue his presentation, the team meeting was suddenly cut short by a dreadful growl, and the room started shaking in every direction. Annoyed to be interrupted in the middle of her world-destroying plans, Naomi turned around to see what the commotion was all about, only to find that the whole building was collapsing. It looked like the government threw a rocket at the rebel’s base, and the teenager thought that it was strangely competent of them. Finishing her drink as her subordinates ran around in terror, Naomi looked at the walls falling apart and put her legs on her desk with a satisfied yawn.
Today seemed adequate, for a normal high school girl to finally rot in hell.
*
Well, that escalated quickly.
What? It’s Chapter 2, baby, no main character is going to die. That story is not nearly good enough to drop a Game of Thrones on you, so you can relax and enjoy your wholesome garbage.
Stretching in her bed under the sound of erotic music, Naomi looked around with the confused feeling that she should start screaming, but the teenager was too exhausted to do anything of the sort. Stepping out of her sheets while massaging her temples, Naomi felt as if someone was crushing her head with a burning pipe, and she took a few moments to analyze her surroundings. First, she realized that the annoying soundtrack came from the opening of some B-grade TV romance that her roommate was watching, and Naomi watched her gobble her peanuts with a rush of envy. The screen showed nothing but too many rose petals and pink filters, but none of the elderly women present in the room seemed to mind the abuse of dramatic violins. Second, she finally understood that she woke up in a hospital by looking out the window, but it was hard to say with the crowd of demonstrators that was howling in front of the building. Taking a deep breath as she sat back into her bed, Naomi took some time to collect her thoughts and closed her eyes for more concentration. Her name was Naomi Whitaker, and she was a mute loner with anger issues.
…
Yeah. That was pretty much everything she could remember about her character.
“Hi, my love. How are you feeling?”
What. Why was that wax statue talking to her?
Looking up to find the origin of this ridiculous voice, Naomi got faced with some kind of bright light and the teenager had to squint to realize what was going on. A boy her age was standing in the middle of the room with an enormous bouquet and the latter put the flowers in a vase with a loving gaze. As he sat down next to her to hold her hand, Naomi considered smashing him with a fire extinguisher until she realized that he probably was a simple psychiatric wing patient.
Only a fool could think that bringing someone flowers would be preferable to food, and there were way too many birds sending confetti around to be a normal encounter.
“I know that you must be confused,” said the wax statue. “You have been in a pretty bad accident, and the doctor said that you may not recall everything. You somehow found yourself in a golf cart chase in Chiapas, where you drafted a Declaration of Independence from the Mexican government and tried to throw a satellite against the moon. Does that ring a bell for you?”
It did sound as random and absurd as the rest of her life, but she couldn’t remember doing any of those things. Seeing from her facial expression that she wasn’t following, the Ken doll nodded with sadness and brushed the tear running down his cheek with a dramatic sigh. Her mouth twitching in bewilderment, Naomi could have sworn that a diamond just came out of that dude’s eye, but she chose to never think about that fact ever again.
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
“I can’t imagine how stressful it must be for you, but I suppose introductions are still needed: my name is Josh Cullton. We have been together for over six months, and you are the most amazing person I have ever met. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and I want you to take all the time you need to process all this information. All right, baby girl?”
That was not all right at all, and the only person who ever called her amazing was her first-grade teacher when she finally managed to put the green triangle in the right hole without destroying the game in a fit of rage. Squinting her eyes really hard to get some detective flair, Naomi stared at Josh as menacingly as she could, but the jock wouldn’t stop doing that thing people do with their face when they try to look friendly.
She had never been interested in any gender or sexual-looking shape whatsoever, and the simple thought of mixing her bodily fluids with another person made her feel nauseous. Staring at him a little harder, Naomi frowned with everything she had but it wasn’t that either. It couldn’t be romantic, because loving someone that way was as intangible as a possible Half-Life 3, and there wasn’t any part of Josh’s face that the girl didn’t want to squash. This either left her with the possibility of severe brain damage or that the insufferable smiling machine was full of shit. To indulge both scenarios, Naomi embraced her Miranda rights and decided to remain silent until further notice. It didn’t seem to bother Josh at all, as he simply encouraged her to get dressed while he filled the necessary forms before exiting the room with enthusiasm.
Naomi knew that she was clearly missing a key piece of information, and as she tied the laces of her black Converses© with frustration, her roommates mourned the betrayal of some hot character on TV. It must be nice to never look forward to anything else all day, but to come back home to a comforting show and slowly melt away in a low-price sofa. Was that what life was all about? Getting rid of all the time we have left by buying more shit, eating more garbage, and living through the existential crises of fictional characters to escape the fast-approaching, ineluctable boredom? We get children for time to go faster, we travel to forget we have nothing else to tell each other, and we watch TV to waste more time and buy more merch? What? You’re depressed? Being depressed is a basic requirement to become famous on TikTok or write a college essay, so it’s time to pick up the pace, Susan.
Fist bumping the old ladies as a sign of respect, Naomi left the room and considered the possibility of jumping out of the window to escape the Action Man that was waiting for her downstairs. But Naomi knew that Josh was probably the only person who could bring her answers, as no one else went through the trouble of visiting her at the hospital, and one could only be so picky when they didn’t have any friends. Taking a deep breath, the young girl then joined her date in the hospital hall, where she saw Josh hang up the phone with a sad expression. Maybe something awful finally happened to the walking bag of proteins.
“Oh…I am sorry, Naomi. I forgot that I had that stupid party to attend to celebrate Marcus’ birthday. I know that you just came out of the hospital, and I can cancel if you want. I can buy us some ice cream to watch a movie together, then take care of you and whisper in your ear until you fall asleep. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
Wow. She had just learned that she lost her memory and that she was dating another human, and now she needed to choose between her two personal hells? Considering that a stupid party might prevent her from having to talk to Douchey McDouche, Naomi begrudgingly picked the first option and Josh led her to his car with a delighted smile. The quarterback then proceeded to explain how a 17-year-old could buy a red cabriolet in a small mountain town and how he once volunteered to give his kidney to a dude that he met at a bus stop, but Naomi was already in a state of brain death. She always had that superpower of unplugging her mind whenever she was stuck in a boring conversation, and she could bring herself back whenever enough time had passed. It was an incredible weapon to keep environmental activists away, or lonely old people, or religious protestors, or anyone with too strong of a conviction. It was terrifying to see people care about a subject so much that they would hold people hostage in a conversation, and Naomi never had the cultural tools to handle the number of words that kept coming out of their mouths.
But there! Her brain did it again. Just like that, they were already in front of Marcus’ house and Naomi looked at the building as if she was trying to understand a work of modern art. The residence looked like a giant block of glass, with a few cubes of concrete sticking out here and there. Through the translucent walls, Naomi could see that a tree was standing in the middle of the living room and that there was not one piece of furniture with a normal geometrical figure, and the girl recognized the vibe of a true nightmare. Walking behind Josh as he waved at those who were not drinking themselves to death or dancing on the fountain, Naomi looked up to the roof and saw that a girl was looking at her. Playing with her red goblet with a smirk, the girl gave her the middle finger while blowing her a kiss, and Naomi immediately felt her chest getting lighter. Finally. Some healthy violence that she could connect with.
But as she was flipping her new friend off, Naomi heard some commotion, and the student raised her eyebrows in horror. For some reason, Josh had taken his shirt off and an unclear number of girls’ eyes started melting under the power of the vision. People around were bowing down in hysteria, ripping their hair off or throwing themselves at the jock in hope of touching his essence, and Naomi felt like it was her time to dip. As usual, Josh was beaming with the same annoying light, and the teenager had to hold on to the surrounding hortensias to not fly away under the force of the wind. Entering the house with a deep sigh, Naomi grabbed the first bottle that she found and managed to find a couch that wasn’t covered by dried beer, cigarette buds, or people making out. Throwing herself into the pillows with lassitude, the girl was about to use her superpower again when two military boots appeared in her peripheral vision.
“Hey, tiny girl. Fancy meeting you here.”
It was some dude who wore way too much leather for the season, and Naomi already knew that the power of narration was too strong for him to go away. Pulling his hair back as he sat next to her, Logan gave Naomi a playful look until he realized that she had no idea who he was.
“Really? You don’t remember the guy who ran over you with a motorcycle? I gotta say that you are pretty forgiving for a crazy girl. You wanna smoke?”
Naomi shook her head and Logan brought the cigarette to his lips. The chaotic living room almost had something from a Renaissance painting, from the comfort of their expensive sofa. It was like watching a documentary on wild animals up close, with all the gore, the fluids, and the screaming.
“I just wanted to tell you that I had a lot of fun watching you throw that spineless Josh Cullton out of the window, the other day. I didn’t think you had it in you,” sneered Logan. “I’m sorry if I acted like a dickhead when we first met. I guess that I’m scared that people will start picking on me again if I don’t bark at them first. I wasn’t always the tough guy that you know me to be,” revealed the teenager as Naomi pursed her lips in annoyance. “I originally took on that persona so I would stop being pushed to the ground by my peers, but I guess it’s hard to free yourself from the image everyone gave you, after a few years. Ah, ah! I am sorry, I don’t know why I am telling you all of this. I suppose it confirms my theory and that we are from the same species, you and I.”
Naomi repeatedly pressed X to doubt that last point, but that cosplay of Sasuke Uchiwa just gave her some critical information. She finally had the confirmation that Josh had been lying to her all along because she knew that even her stupid self would not throw someone she loves out of a window. Or maybe she would, if she was really angry. Actually yes, that was definitely something she would do, but it was in her interest to ignore these irrelevant facts and pick the outcome that best suited her. As she was standing up to confront the idiot quarterback, Logan wrapped his arms around her shoulders with a confident smile and Naomi became wide-eyed.
It had never occurred to her that Logan could want to die young.
“So, listen. I noticed something about us. You are super damn pretty, I am pretty damn hot…It just makes sense, don’t you think?” whispered Logan while leaning closer to her. “Don’t you ever get tired of Mr. Perfect, over there? A beautiful badass like yourself must be looking for more action. If not, may I interest you in my tender heart behind my fanfare of red flags?”
Naomi’s face immediately contorted into a mix of shock, horror, and disgust, but it didn’t have the effect she hoped for. Bringing his hand to his chest with a trembling arm, Logan looked as if his breath had been taken away and a faint smile slowly appeared on his face. His cheeks going through several shades of red, Logan stared at Naomi in wonder, and the teenager thought that the discomfort would end up killing her. Looking around her to escape the love bubble, Naomi prayed to the old gods for a divine intervention, but it was impossible for anyone to sneak into a place where all the stupid walls were made of glass. Normally, the girl would start breaking stuff the minute she suspected someone was flirting with her, but every decoration item was made of bamboo and a waterfall of sweat started running down Naomi’s neck.
She had never stayed that long in a conversation without punching someone, and she was afraid that the anomaly would cause reality to collapse.
“W-Wow. No one has ever looked at me with so much disdain before. You’re really not like other girls, are you?”
Naomi tried throwing Logan out the window for this offense, but the antique peacock jewelry window was made of triple focal glass, and the girl watched his victim bouncing around the house like a ping-pong ball. Massaging her eyelids with resignation, Naomi dodged the karaoke corner that had formed in the bathroom and decided to walk through the art corridor to become one with the marble statues. Thinking that you would need to be one pretentious prick to have a museum in your own house, Naomi stared at the painting of a mermaid before lowering her head. What was wrong with her? She may be a violent psychopath with murderous tendencies, an antisocial behavior and a seriously fucked-up life philosophy, but she still had feelings. She had spent most of her life trying to force herself to socialize or threatening others into tolerating her, but the growing disconnect was starting to weigh heavily on her shoulders. It would have been easier if she could just eat without being interrupted or becoming a supervillain, but she wasn't exactly blessed with the simplest life. Naomi always thought that she was okay with being alone, but maybe she had simply brainwashed herself into thinking so.
Hating everything and everyone was exhausting, and the girl smashed her head against the tail when she heard a group of girls giggling about Trevor liking their Instagram picture. Why couldn’t she be interested in the same junk as everyone else? Why was she that incapable of interacting with other living beings without losing her shit? Has she really been in an alien simulation all along? Honestly, it would answer a lot of long-time confusing questions, but it still didn’t explain-
“H-Hey! It’s nice to see you again. You didn’t strike me as the party type.”
What. Why was that uncooked stick of bread talking to her?
A boy too boring to be described had just made his entrance into the corridor, and the newcomer didn’t look surprised by the antagonistic look Naomi immediately threw at him.
“Oh, of course. I am sorry,” laughed the teenager. “People always have a lot of issues remembering my name, or my face. Or the fact that I have been in the same class as them for the past 15 years. But that’s okay! I know it’s difficult to pay attention to this kind of thing. People have so many things going on these days! Have you eaten yet? I have been saving some cookies for later because I get scared to go near the buffet when people are wasted. ”
Cookies. She didn’t have that much luck doing anything pleasant so far, but eating was always worth a shot. Pushing a guest out of her way, Naomi wiped out the blood from her forehead and followed the strange guy to the patio, where two chairs were waiting for them in the middle of a plant paradise. Staring at the ferns and other tropical flowers that were hanging down from the glass ceiling, Naomi caught a glimpse of the starry night and felt like her mind was silent for the first time in ages. The Cullton garden almost disappeared in the darkness, but the teenager could still see the shadows of the pine trees and the wild hedge under the faint moonlight. That must have been the only agreeable thing about living in a small city, aside from the absence of Starbucks.
But as she was appreciating this moment of solitude, Naomi suddenly remembered that she was sharing the room with a melted popsicle and accepted his plate of chocolate chip cookies with a thankful groan. But as she took the first bite, the teenager felt crushed by a wave of emotions and her hand trembled around the doe. The crunchiness of the crust was in perfect harmony with the milky sweetness of the chocolate, while not taking over the aftertaste of vanilla extract. The mix of sensations threw her back to her happy place, a 2009 Summer Camp where she enjoyed a freshly stolen Pop Tart while her Hello Kitty cricket bat was covered with the blood of her enemies. This simple pleasure could have made her shed a tear, if Naomi didn’t suffer from a rare disorder that kept her from giving any kind of shit about anything.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re having a heart attack.”
After checking her vitals, Naomi could confirm with full confidence that she was not having a heart attack. She only wasn’t used to feeling this happy, and her body simply thought that her brain was going to explode. She thanked the baguette for these few minutes of tranquility and went back to devouring the precious snack with cautious attention.
“I am glad you are feeling better,” he smiled. “My name is Steve, by the way. Do I mind if I ask for yours? I have been referring to you in my mind as ‘the very angry lady,’ and I wouldn’t want to confuse you with our friend the caterpillar.”
He had a gentle voice, and he had cookies. She could trust that.
“Naomi.”
“Naomi… Do you know that it means “lovely,” in Japanese? That’s a very good name, be sure to take good care of it!”
She had no idea what the hell that meant.
“Mmh, what I mean is that sometimes, we take beautiful things about ourselves for granted,” explained the teenager. “We can waste so much time feeling envious of others or obsessing over our failures, without realizing that we have all the tools we need to succeed, at our own pace. You could have a secret talent, a unique hobby, or a stunning name, but still, forget to love yourself! That’s why my dream is to become-”
Ok, whatever. Did he want to run away to Mexico?
“Sure!” laughed Steve.
But as they were getting up from their chairs, Naomi heard a series of screams coming from the front door and the duo joined the rest of the party. Making her way through the whispering crowd with annoyance, Naomi and Steve saw a line of bikers trashing the trees planted in the yard. Breaking every pot they could find and throwing bricks at Marcus’ windows, the criminals were repeatedly shouting Logan’s name and Naomi rolled her eyes with all of her strength.
Ugh. It was already infinitely stupid.
Soon, the rebel finally arrived at the scene and Logan tensed with surprise when his eyes fell on the group’s leader. The biker had the same wolf symbol painted at the back of his jacket and as his followers started booing his target, the gangster clapped his hands with laughter.
“Logan Salvacelli! We finally meet again,” barked the criminal. “You thought you could cut ties with us and live your peaceful, boring life with your little girlfriend? I know that we are like a super dangerous and powerful criminal organization, but it really hurt our feelings when an angsty emo kid decided to leave our ranks. You will work for us again, or we will start screaming very loudly and making menacing noises with our motorbikes! Vroom, vroom, suckers! ”
As a tactic of intimidation, the rest of the gang made their motorcycles exhaust louder and louder while shaking their crowbars, but they eventually had to stop when a neighbor started throwing mugs out of her window. Her face tensing with repulsion when Logan stepped in front of her, Naomi tried to take advantage of the commotion to escape but Steve’s eyes were shining with excitement. She couldn’t see why someone could be so fascinated by mafia confrontations or abominable dialogues, but the young girl had run out of judgmental stares for the night.
“Do whatever you want with me, but leave Naomi out of this!” shouted Logan. “If you want to hurt her, you will have to go through me first!”
“How adorable! But I have seen you at your worse, Salvacelli and I know what you are truly capable of. I once saw you walk out of a Target with 135 pounds of candles and cat-shaped molds! You are the greatest thief of the county, the Chattanooga Ferret who once robbed a police station with a wet pretzel, and there is nothing you can do to run away from your past.”
“What in the Florida hell are those crimes?” cackled the middle-finger girl from the roof.
“There is nothing you can say that Naomi doesn’t already know about me. We have a real connection, and I am not going to give up on my terrifying, usually confusing time with her!”
“Oh yeah?” grinned the gang member. “I suppose she heard about Hailey, then?”
“You monster,” muttered Logan as his face turned white. “You wouldn’t dare!-”
Okay. No. Fuck this, she was not going to deal with these shenanigans tonight. Grabbing Steve by the sleeve while she dodged the group of Mafiosi, Naomi climbed into Josh’s car and started the engine. Obviously, it seemed like this stupid universe would not let her run out of the narrative whether the Author was present or not, and she would need to find another plan to take her life back. Oh! So that’s why she tried to destroy the world and escape to Mexico the first time. It all made much more sense now that she was starting to remember. As Logan threw himself on his knees to scream her name, Naomi left the backyard with a cloud of dust and put on some Katy Perry to get into the mood. She and her new minion would need a good night of sleep to recover.
Because tomorrow, they would make a plan to kill God.
…Wait, what?