Huan’s PoV

“Thank you big sis Iulian! Big sis Huan!” The children at the orphanage cheered from behind the man. Mister Xu, first name Yong, was bowing deep with his hand cupped to the two of us.

“My most sincere gratitude, Lady Iulia, Lady Lu. I do not know how I could have afforded to feed the little ones this week.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks as the children behind him kept cheering and thanking us. My chest warms as how happy and filled with life they are, a contrast to how we had first seen them. Malnutrition she had called their condition, something she looked to be keenly familiar with as she not only fed them, but also healed them of it.

“No problem. It wouldn’t have sat well with me knowing I could have helped and didn’t do anything about it. And so long as they are happy and well, that’s all that matters. Plus, you should now be able to afford leaving the house more without being afraid of someone breaking in.” Iulia winked. I do not think even I could break into this house, no matter how run down and flimsy the wall looks to be.

“No touching the glowing stones, alright?” She said toward the children who all nodded. Good kids~

“Farewell then. Be nice to each other and listen well to Mister Xu.” Iulia smiled as she waved them goodbye, I mimicked her. Feeling the gesture awkward, yet the children only cheered harder as Iulia gave me a content smile.

“See, you can do it too. Need a bit of practice, though.” she poked my ribs with her index finger. Yet the sudden attack was predictable as I grabbed her hand mid-air.

“Straight to holding hands are we? Let’s~” … Damn her. I felt myself heating up, my heart beating harder too.

‘Go on, what are you blushing for? It’s not like she is your first relation? Twirl her around, push her against the wall and tak-’ Shut up! That’s exactly why I won’t do this!

‘You want to, and we both know that she won’t mind~ just give in to the impulse. It will make it easier for both of us.’ Yeah I am sure it will be, Demon. I am aware of your tactics.

“Hey, Still with me Huan?” I feel a small squeeze on my hand as we walk through the back streets of Fengshou. The dirt path, away from the pavement of the main street, made this place much more dirty and grim. Only the main walls delimiting the town into sections were made of stones.

“Yes, sorry. My… Guest. Was being a pest again.” ‘A pest? Really?’ Please, just. Shut up for a moment.

Iulia narrowed her eyes at me, her other hand going to my face and pinching my cheeks. W-what? Wh-.

“Hey, remember what I said. Stop being harsh. Cruelty is the enemy of awareness. And that’s what you need right now. How’s that homework I've given you? About memories?” She asked, pulling on my cheek, a playful smile on her lips as she played around. Right. I am the student right now.

“I am mostly done. I noticed that I have fewer memories the older I go back. And most of those I have are touched by anger, fear, or disgust. With the most recent being surprise and joy.” She squeezes my hand again. Another smile blooming on her face, radiant and wide. My heart skips another beat as she shimmy closer.

“Wonder why~” She kissed the side of my chin before. A her smile turns devilish and smug as she gives me that pestering look.

“Y-You…”

“Yes, me. I am glad you’ve been diligent. How do you feel when compared to before having started? Clearer? Not as overwhelmed?” I felt myself stiffening up as her words. Even the demon was silent, no longer buzzing around in my head.

She grinned, showing her teeth as she chuckled. “Good, it will be easier to get to the next step then. Tell me my dear Huan: do you still feel that anger, fear and disgust are still there, present no matter what you do? Like an undercurrent of your life, pushing you in those directions whether you want to or not?” She returns to my side, laying her head on my shoulder as we resume walking. She doesn’t say anything else, letting me mull over what she had said.

There is a hint of truth to her statement. Now that I can look back on how things were. I can see that most of my actions came from one of those three. I wanted revenge because I was angry and disgusted. I ran away because I was afraid of facing Wu Chang. I could have made my way to her room then, yet I did not. I trained so hard, because I was afraid she would throw me away. I endured so much pain, because I was disgusted by the other ways the disciples had to grow stronger. I held on for so long, because I was afraid of becoming like them…

“...Yes.” I say, struggling to acknowledge what it meant. ‘of you know full well what it means~”

“ And I am glad that you did.” What? ‘What?’ I turn my head to look at her, yet she keeps facing forward. As if… As if-

“You did what you had to do to survive. All you did up until now. Every word you said, every action you took. They led you here. And for that I am glad.” She pull my arm to her chest, wrapping it with her owns. Squeezing tight on my hand. I am bewildered.

‘Of course you are, and this girl doesn’t even know what she is saying! It’s like she wants me to take over!’

“But, as much as your past is part of you, you are not defined by it. Sure, some people need to take accountability for what they have done. But that’s not your case, you’ve stayed true to yourself despite everything, right?” Only now does she turn to look at me, and I can’t say anything as I feel her eyes peering through me. She looked at me with kindness, and something else… not Pity. But sadness.

“But it’s alright now. You did what you had to do. You used emotions for what they are: a source of information and motivation. And look at you, free of the place that tormented you, and growing stronger and learning to embrace your freedom more and more everyday. Plus, you aren’t alone anymore, aren’t you?” She grinned as I realised what she was aiming for. But…

“But I can’t. That’s not how things work here. I need to… I need to be firm, to be strong. To grow further and further. If I stall behind, then my enemies will be stronger than me and will seek revenge. Tha-”

“That’s why you need to learn how to rest. How to let go and take a step back. Emotions, just like everything else inside, are tools. Tools to be used when needed and set back into their box when you’re done.” Her voice was firmer than my own, her eyes sharp as she glared at me, no. At something deeper. ‘Is she…?’

“I am talking to both of you. While I am grateful that you pushed Huan forward all this time, you need to take a step back, miss Inner Demon. As much as you are part of her, you do not define her. She is more than her anger, fear, disgust and other emotions; more than her desire for revenge, survival and grudges. She is able to protect herself now. Doesn’t mean you are useless though, see this more like the right tool for the right task. You can use a sword to cut down a tree, but an axe will do the job better without damaging the blade, and this blade is already more than damaged.”

‘A tool? Me? Is that really what We heard? I am no tool. I AM HUAN, I AM HER DESIRES TO LIVE AND SURVIVE…’ the outburst was short lived. I felt the presence of my inner demons recede as she dove deep into the farthest recess of my mind.

It makes sense, those are in a sense tools. Tools that are used even without the person being aware… Instincts are that… Tools… Then…

We keep walking as my mind falls into a turmoil, entering a random teahouse near the arena. Iulia takes care of everything as we are seated on the first floor, with an open view to the main street leading to the arena where tomorrow, the tournament will take place.

“This leads us to the question, one everyone has to answer at some point: What do you want for yourself, who do you want to be or rather: Who are you, deep inside?” She asks, her face serene as she moves her index finger, making the steaming kettle float. I can’t see her ink moving it anymore, with nothing but my core as the sole presence of Ki in my body. I am incredibly weak and blind to anything.

Who am I? I never really asked myself this question… I know who I am, I am Lu Huan, daughter of Lu dan and Mirza Minadora. A rogue demonic cultivator, or at least I try to not be one anymore… a spear-woman … And someone who enjoys tea, I think?

I look back up at Iulia as she pours the first step onto a small dog figure, the deep gold liquid onto it. Honourable, protective and dynamic? I don’t think she needs to attract its likeness anymore. I pause as I feel myself a bit lighter than before.

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She offers me the cup to smell the tea. The dried peony tea has really opened up nicely, but she has put a bit too much and let it steep a few breaths longer than it should. It’s rather strong and fresh for that much.

“Perhaps a bit less next time: both in steep time and quantity. This dried peony seems really fresh. So the taste of it will be really strong.” She nods, and makes half of it levitate as she pours another serving into the pot. I can see her count, her lips moving in sync with every breath she takes.

Then after five, she pours the first cup and offers it to me. A small blush on her face as she does, making me relax into my seat. Her question weighed on my mind. Yet, the more I give it my attention: the more my inner turmoil calms, letting things wash on the shore of my conscious mind.

“You don’t need to find an answer right now. These types of things are quite a hassle to figure, some people take years, others just days or weeks. It is no race, but a marathon. Just so you know, that you aren’t caught off guard: there can be a wrong answer, or plenty. It all depends on how you word it.” she pours the hot water into the pot again, making her own serving.

“What’s the difference between, let’s say: ‘I am an artist’, and ‘I am someone who likes drawing’?” She pours her own cup of tea as she too, looks out the window. The place was a bit on the empty side. Noon had already passed a few hours ago, there was no show or anything. Only people that were still hungry or wanted to take a break.

Taking a deep breath I focus my mind on it and say the first thing I come with. “One is how other people view others, while the other speaks about the likes of a person. But knowing you, there's something I am missing, aren’t I?” I take a sip of my tea, it’s better, still a bit strong. But not overpowering.

My sorceress nods as she smiles. “You would be right. It is something about action, about identity. In the first case: if you cannot draw anymore, are you still an artist? Or if nobody likes your art, are you still an artist?”

“I see. Then in the second case, no matter what happens: that you can’t draw anymore, or if you aren’t skilled at it. It doesn’t change that you like drawing.”

“That! It doesn’t matter what others say, what matters is how you feel about it. And that is the difference between the phrasing I mentioned. One tells you about your identity, while the other is indicative of something else. Something, or rather someone you’ve been acquainted with recently. The first thing that comes to your mind is what you believe instinctively. But not only that, but the harder you believe it, the more you strengthen that part of you.”

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Iulia’s PoV

Huan has been silent for a while. She had a lot to think through, my girl’s been through a lot without caring about that part of her up until now. It’s normal that she takes her time.

“Do you have your own answer for this question?” she asks me after some time. I smile as I remember that day when teacher Mina first asked me. Nostalgia started to wash over me as I shook myself free of its grasp.

“Kind of. I still struggle at times, but that is what it means to be alive. I am Iulia, a practitioner of the old ways, I am someone who likes making others smile through the food I cook. I am petty, brash and judgemental. But I am also someone who tries her best to be empathic: both toward myself and to others, who can take responsibility for themself, act and words. I still have to figure some things out about me, But I am who I am. And I am happy with that, because despite having things about myself I don’t like. I know I have enough empathy to not allow myself to become cruel again.” This is always the hard part, having to face the things in my mind. The scary parts that make me uncomfortable, that once overwhelmed me by only having it mentioned around me.

But the truth is, life must be lived: the good and the bad taken as it is. Enjoy the good and remember it for what it is, and use the emotions born from the bad to fuel yourself to move forward: to survive, adapt and overcome before letting it go.

“Sincerely, I am lucky that sorcery is nothing like cultivation. I would have been crushed by my inner demon long ago otherwise. It took me years of being manipulated by my ego to realise who I was, and to finally reach some sort of peace and set aside to grow my sense of self. Feeling my emotions directly was a boon, as it helped me strengthen my sense of identity faster than most who started older than me.” I Confess, my opinion of cultivation is that for all its bullshit power: It's creepy and scary dangerous.

Huan turned her head to me, and was noticeably puzzled. “What do you mean by feeling your emotions directly?” ah… Right.

“Well, yes. Usually, people who didn’t live through hard times like you, or who weren’t in constant need to suppress their emotions at every moment are able to tell what they are feeling. It’s a medical condition called Alexithymia, it’s a bit like colour blindness but for your own emotions. You can’t tell that you are feeling something, can’t process what emotions it is or can’t articulate it.”

“And because you can’t do that, you don’t know who you are, because you do not know what makes you angry or happy, disgust you or make you sad, right?” She says, downing her cup as she takes over the tea making. I down my own and let the cup rest on the table.

“Then why do I still feel those lingering emotions pushing me around like you said?” She pours water in the pot.

“Because that’s what you repressed, what you kept close to your chest and never let go off. That’s what is eating you and fuelling your ego, and through it: you. And over time, they piled up and fermented: ready to explode in your face and surroundings. It would have been ‘fine’ if you didn’t practice cultivation: the damage would still be there, yet you wouldn’t risk losing your soul over it.” I explain, only for our less than subtle stalkers to butt in.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhead. Those are some dire circumstances, if what this young miss says is true. You require proper help and attention.” A tall and aged woman stands up from the nearby table, a soft orange to reddish pink hair colour adorned her sharp head. Behind her was a young man looking to be a teenager, dark brown hair and serious square face. Both are wearing the same style of robes, albeit one looked older and more worn out, but also more decorated than the other: most of it was white with accents of red and pink. On their chest was a circle made of pink petals.

“Rather rude to not only eavesdrop but also lie. You’ve been tailing us for the entire morning. Finally worked up the courage to confront us, witch?” I get two reactions: amusement and outrage. From what I feel from her, it makes sense I guess. Her whole soul reeks of tranquillity, fluidity and understanding, yet she somehow is unable or unwilling to retract her aura.

“A witch you say? I’ve never heard the term before. My apologies, I was quite surprised and curious and forgot my manner.”

“M-master?! Why are you apologising?! She was the one that was rude, whatever slur that word is. She doesn’t-”

“Be patient and observe, you are still too impulsive my young apprentice.” She raises her hand to silence the young man as she looks at me. Huan was agitated, her hands were already holding her attuned spear she summoned.

I sigh and open a few eyes, keeping them riveted to the duo, whose individual reaction only intensifies as I turn my head to Huan.

“Calm down. I will take care of this. You promised me to not use any Ki while learning sorcery, didn’t you? Are you going back on your word?” She glares at the woman, whose smile only deepens. Huan’s eyes turn to me, her face turning more and more serious as we glare at each other. She grits her teeth.

“Tsk. I trust you.” She concedes, powering down as she stops hurting herself to generate Ki to use. Her spear still gripped tight in her hand though.

“Good girl, thank you for trusting me. Here let me heal you. And you two. Take a seat. I only riled you up because it’s bad etiquette for witch to let their aura ooze like this. So please restrain yourself, because this smell of mountain air and plum blossoms is ruining our tea.” I draw a quick blue coloured spell on Huan’s hand before returning my attention to our impromptu guests.

The older woman looks even more amused and intrigued while the other is lost and confused yet keeps a hint of suspicion in his eyes.

“Does doing this appease you?” She offers, the aura around her recedes to only a finger out from her body. The boy looked between the woman and me, looking even more lost than before.

“It would do for now, you’d still fail to pass the test to leave your coven thought. If you truly were a witch, that is.” Narrowing my eyes at her, I can tell that she has fully embraced the truest meaning of her source. So much wasted potential…

“Is that so? Quite the arduous training if I am to be honest. Whatever a witch is, they have my respect if they need to master this before being allowed to exit their coven, an equivalent for sect I suppose?” She offers as I see a bead of sweat coming from her forehead.

I roll my eyes.” It’s fine, you can let it flow as it was before. I won’t have you strain yourself in a practice you know nothing about. So? Aside from my recent exchange with Huan, what made you two tail us? I can already tell you have no bad intention, your aura is attuned with peaceful vibes. You won’t hurt anyone if you can, am I right?” I always find it so interesting to deal with witches, but this? This takes the win.

“Your insight is profound for someone your age. You are right once again. As to your question, I think you already know the answer. You are… a foreign element in this world, yet the winds between heaven and earth listen to you.”

“How do you know that?” Huan is about to stand up, but I move my hand to hers.

“Apart from the knowledge she talks about? The powers she wields? She stands on the shoulders of giants, yet giants that never shook this world. Sorcery, is this the name of what you used to make those protective formations on that house?”

I smile, this woman has that. That curious streak.

“I see that we are cut from the same clothes. What will you do to get your answers? We both know that knowledge, especially of this type, doesn't come free.” Her face turns still for a moment. I tense up as well, my face turning hard. Huan and the apprentice beside me start getting agitated.

“HAHAHAHA!” “HAHAHAHA!” Our mutual companions look at us as if we have finally lost it. Albeit, Huan takes it with more humour as she rolls her eyes at me.

“That we are, It feels good to see another curious mind. Especially one as young as you are. Help me, and I will help you.”

“Only if you agree to swear on it, to swear on the place that binds you. To swear on this place of tranquillity and eternal plum blossoms: that you won’t betray, harm, sell out or work against my and my partner, directly and indirectly. And I will do the same.” I extend my hand to her. She looks at it, before raising a brow at my proposition. Huan smiles at me while the young man is balking.

“What would happen, if I say I broke this deal?” Her voice was serious but also filled with curiosity. She was struggling to mask her joy at having found something she didn’t know about.

“Then the source you are attuned to will reject you, branding you an oath breaker to everyone still bound to it. Stripping you of your power as a witch. For your information, witches, and all high end ink practitioners are not any weaker than cultivators of the venerable stage.” She frowns for moments, before her face turns into a pure childlike joy.

“You do not need to sell me more on it, I am already interested: Deal.” She takes my hand as we shake on it.