The basket I carried bumped against my knee as I walked. Once, a three hour walk was not something I would have casually done. Now, it was a small enjoyment, I felt no fatigue from walking. My body was stronger than ever, and the scenery around me a source of inspiration. The fall had brought around a look before the cusp of death, and as if in a brilliant defiance, the red, yellow, orange of the grass was highly saturated, the leaves of the trees dotting around sharply defined with their slight crumbles, with their balding branches held high and proud. Perhaps it was my own morbid thinking that was dressing itself on the scenery around me. Matre was facing her death, and now I saw decay everywhere.
It was partly due to that morbidity, that I was making this journey. I was walking to Inparem to tell him that I do not love him. It was Thursday, tomorrow we were supposed to have our wedding ceremony. I felt guilty that I had not said anything sooner. Why did I have to wait until an evening before? Better late than never sounded flat at this moment. I had tried to ignore my feelings, to convince myself that I felt differently. I wanted to be happy in love. But faced with the mortality of life in front of my eyes, I could not stay silent and ignore my feelings. I didn’t want to waste his time or mine, on false promises.
In my basket I carried little gifts. A strange sort of bribery to assuage my feelings of guilt. I did not want things to turn sour between us. I liked Inparem. A lot. If there was a way that we could stay amiable after this, I truly wanted that. There was a short but thick scarf I had knitted from undyed wool. A large handful of sweet berries that I picked on the way and a jar of mixed berries jam I had made earlier, cooked with a minty herb. A freshly baked loaf of bread, not the stone bread we usually ate. They were all simple things, but these were the bounties of where I now lived.
When I reached the clearing where Inparem lived, with the lean-to shelter, ring of stones and sitting logs, a wave of nostalgia rose in me. I had first been there a few months a go, but it felt like years. When I had first come here I had been naive and hopeful. I still thought then that I would find a way home. I knew better now and it hurt. I felt lonely when I thought of my family and friends that I would never see again. For a moment, I thought of turning back or not saying what I had come to say. I was afraid of being alone. That moment lasted only as long as the wave of nostalgia washing over me did. I sat on the log waiting for Inparem, he wasn’t around.
It didn’t take long until he came, in his hand a small animal that he must have caught in a snare.
“Marin!” He said smiling, happy to see me. “You must have brought me luck, look what I caught.” He lifted the rabbit.
“Hello Inparem,” I gave an answering smile. “What beautiful fur the rabbit has.” It was a terracotta color, with its paws looking like they had been dipped in black.
“Yes, but it won’t sell well. Everybody wants the fur of predators.” He shrugged. “It’ll make a good meal though.”
We prepared it together, on a simple spit over the fire. After we ate, I began.
“There is something I wanted to tell you.”
“You don’t have to say it.” He was looking down, not a good sign.
“I have to.”
“Please do not”
“You don’t even know what I want to say!” I exclaimed.
“Yes I do, you don’t want to marry tomorrow.”
How can I say what I came to, without hurting him? I couldn’t think of a way to soften my words. I spoke them quickly, spitting them out. “I wanted to tell you that I don’t love you.”
“I know that too.” Inparem was still looking down, it was hard talking to him like this.
“How?” Of all the ways I saw this conversation going, I hadn’t anticipated this.
“I just do. Some things can’t be hidden.”
“You knew that I didn’t love you, and you still wanted to marry?”
“Love can come later. I can be myself around you in a way that I can’t with anyone else. Before I had met you, I thought I would live alone the rest of my life, like Matre. You made me realize that I don’t want that.”
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“I don’t know if love will come later, I can’t promise that.”
“I understand. But there is much that we can give to each other. Love doesn’t have to be why we are together.”
I knew he was lying about that. He does want love. I could see it in the way his hands were clenched. How he couldn’t look me in the eye. By the tense expression his face had. He was hoping that something would change, and honestly as was I. I could see a sense of deep appreciation and trust developing, there was already a foundation for it. Perhaps he was right, and it would grow into more. I was afraid what would happen if it didn’t. Would he become bitter? Or would I?
“You would still like to marry, even if I don’t love you?”
“Yes.”
“And our deal would still stand? I take care of Matre until she dies, and then we live together? And no sex until I am ready for it?”
He blushed at my directness, but answered with an unwavering voice. “Yes.”
“Then let’s tie the knot tomorrow.”
***
Tying the knot was a small affair, nothing like the weddings back home. Matre stood and was the one who tied the knot around our wrists. When she did, it reminded me of that night Inparem and I had spent in the Walker’s Forest, when we slept in a hammock tied with a rope around us. Perhaps in a way, we had already tied the knot ourselves.
Not many people were there, both Inparem and I had no family other than Matre. Despite it being evening, it was a busy season with much to be done, many worked from morning into night. Porco, Aelia and all their children were there. As were some of the other villagers, who stood witness to the ceremony. There was no priest, and no set vows. We had each written our own.
The rope of the knot we were to use I had made myself, spinning wool into yarn and twisting that into rope. It was a bulky off-white rope, heavy and itchy against my wrist, with the solid weight of a promise. Looking into Inparem’s eyes, I saw many of my feelings reflected there. Happiness, nervousness, and a fragile hope for our future together.
Matre stood in front of us, like a priest. She was the main witness of the event. Her cheeks were rosy, and she had a lightness to her step that I had never seen from her before. The Dog Stalk’s had worked, despite not being harvested correctly.
With the rope on our wrists, and our hands clasped, we spoke our vows to one another.
“Inparem, when I first saw you, you offered me bread and a place to sleep. The next day you took me to safety and civilization, welcoming me into the home of your family. Those first days showed me the person you are, a kind one, even to a stranger who has nothing to give. Every day we have been together since, has been a blessing to learn and discover more about the man you are. I see a patient man, I see a kind and brave man, I see a man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I vow to you, that I will always be loyal and true to you, until death do us part.”
I meant every word of the speech I had prepared. Squeezing my hands, Inparem spoke his vows as well.
“I love you Marin. I loved you when I first saw you, since then my love has grown more and more everyday until I thought it wouldn’t fit inside me anymore, and still it grows. I vow to you that as long as I live, you will have the strength of my arm, the shield of my body, your burdens will be mine and everything I have will be yours, as my heart already is.”
He surprised me, his vows were eloquent and heartfelt. I felt something stir in my heart, whether it was love or guilt, I couldn’t say. There was no kiss after the vows, displays of affections here were limited mostly to hand holding. Instead, Porco began to beat on a drum, the only instrument in the village. We led the first dance, our hands still tied. Tradition meant that they will stay tied until tomorrow, after which the rope would be kept in a safe place. Superstition said that destruction of the rope would mean deterioration of the marriage.
Tonight's dancing was different from the dancing I had known. It was almost like a reenactment. Together, we danced our first meeting together. Inparem pantomimed
breaking bread and sharing it, the first meal we had together. Then we skipped around in a circle, symbolic of the many walks we had taken together.
We had not practiced the dance we did, there was tugging and smiles as we were not completely in sync. But as the dance continued, we found our harmony. I pantomimed learning to climb a tree, Inparem lifted me up higher and higher to show it.
Laughing, he led me into the next part, when we had tied the first rope around ourselves in his hammock and slept in the treetops of the Walker’s forest. We held each other close for this part, in a sort of slow dancing.
Porco led out a loud exclamation “Pah! Keep it for later.” The intensity of the moment broke, and our dance was finished. And with that, we were married.
As we walked towards Porco and Ava’s home, for a celebratory dinner, I wondered how different this would have been if I had been married at my home before The River, with my family and friends. The pang in my heart turned me away from such thoughts, therein lies only heartbreak. I lived here now, this was my life.
Later, much later, when it was time to untie the rope, I gave it to Matre. I watched her skillful hands tie it into an ornamental knot, for safekeeping. She was on the last boost of energy. The Dog Stalks had lasted longer than expected. As though at the end of a high, her hands were shaking.