The way back, Inparem’s quiet anger got to me in a way that shouting wouldn’t have, it was the anger of worry. I felt guilty. Inparem was right, I hadn’t taken his warnings seriously. A part of me had thought that this trip would be like camping. I had thought of the Walker’s Forest as a regular forest, when it was not. The importance of my own values of sharing the risks he takes, made me overlook what he had been saying. We were not equals in this. He has years of experience with the forest, while I have proven myself to be the stupid bumbling girl I didn’t want to be. 

Coming back to the village, I was exhausted. We had pressed ourselves hard to be able to reach the village by evening tonight. I wanted to go directly to sleep, but the day wasn’t over yet. I took a deep breath to prepare. We had both agreed not to tell Ava or Matre what had happened. When Inparem opened the door to Matre’s cottage, and she saw us, her face lit up. Ava was there too. I showed them perfectly cut stalks of Dog Stalks. We had chopped it on the way to cover up the hasty harvest. When Ava asked how the trip was, I said uneventful, with a telling wink, a deflection from how I truly felt. She laughed and I knew it had worked. As soon as I could, I begged exhaustion and went to sleep next to where Matre was sitting, on the pile of furs. 

The next day, I woke up to the familiar sound of the spinning wheel. It was one of the few things Matre could still easily do. She saw me shift and smiled down at me.

“Good morning.”

I smiled back. It was good to see her. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I went to gather water. Coming back, I set the bucket and a cup next to her so that she could drink freely. I started sweeping the dirt that had come loose from the floor. Ava had taken care of Matre as best she could with all of her own duties, but she didn’t have the time to do it all.

“Now, do you want to tell me what really happened on your trip?”

My hands continued moving smoothly sweeping, but my eyes betrayed me with a startled blink. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not like you to go directly to sleep. Usually you walk Inparem out.”

I sighed but wasn’t really bothered by being found out. Matre’s mind was as sharp as always, and that was a comfort.

“Is it cold feet?” She continued to press.

“Yes.” I took the excuse rather than tell her of my mistake as well as my one and a half, possibly two near death experiences. 

“If you are not sure that you want to tie the knot with him, then perhaps you shouldn’t.”

“I am sure of Inparem. He is a good man. It’s just that…”

Matre waited patiently as I searched for a way to say what was on my mind. I hadn’t meant to talk about this.

“I am not sure if what I want is him, or the security that he represents.” There it was. My dark thoughts. One that I didn’t want to have. I had no money, no home of my own, even the shoes and clothes I wore were not truly mine. After Matre would die, I would be alone in this world. I had never been in a position like this, and the insecurity gnawed at me at night. Inparem was the easy answer to my loneliness. 

Moreover I had complete faith in his abilities. He was a survivor. As long as we would be together, I would have food and shelter. But the idea of marrying him for anything other than love felt false, like I was a gold digger, although he wasn’t rich by any means. It went against my ideals. The feminist in me screamed, that if I viewed myself as equal, then our tying the knot shouldn’t be for anything but love. He had saved me once, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to be my savior.

Matre started to laugh. Hard. I glared at her. It had taken a lot for me to admit what I had said out loud, and she was laughing at it.

“Oh, sometimes I forget that you are from a different place.” she said, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. “In spirit you are so alike to the daughter I never had, but then you say something like this that reminds me how different you are.”

I was touched and if it had been a different situation, I would have reacted differently than folding my arms and continuing glaring, albeit with a soft smile.

“Every marriage is for both sides. Do you think that Inparem wants you only for yourself? He wants you for the work you will be able to help him with. He wants your body and the children you will bear for him. He wants a partner in the full sense of the word.”

I was unconvinced. Her voice softened. 

“Do you think you are the first to marry for security? Whether you are two families of nobles uniting, or two village people, unity is strongest. Marriage exists for that. If Inparem has half the smarts I know he does, he knows that you want him for what he can do as well as for who he is. There is nothing wrong with that. I understand that your life from before was different than that, where marriage was a luxury that could be chosen. But in this place everyday is a struggle, it is better not to be alone.”

Everything she was saying made sense, and it did make me feel better. But I still felt unsure. “If that is what you believe, why aren’t you married?”

“I was.”

When Matre didn’t expand, I didn’t press. She would tell me or not, according to what she wanted and my questions wouldn’t change that. I finished up sweeping and she continued spinning.

“Can you please get some water ready? I would like to wash.” She asked shortly after.

Washing was a different process than what it had been before The River. Outside the cottage, I started a fire in the ring of stones and fetched more water to warm over it. From inside, I took out a simple stool, a bar of soap, a blanket and a clean cloth. I set it close to the fire. When the water was lukewarm, I placed it down close to the stool. In the meantime, Matre had undressed. I carried her gently out of the cottage and placed her on the stool. I know that it wasn’t so, but it felt like she weighed less than the bucket of water I had carried earlier. 

The disregard for nudity in the village had been shocking at first, but by now I was used to it, although I still wasn’t as free with my own nudity. It is also what allowed me to see Matre’s sharp weight loss almost immediately when it started. In the summer, many of the children had been constantly naked. There were no showers or bathtubs here, much less a private one at home. There was only the drinking well. When people washed, they did it outside their homes. Sometimes in the trees around the village, but even then nobody was quite hidden from view. I could carry her to the flimsy privacy of the trees, but she wouldn’t have wanted me to. It would have been a pointless waste of time and energy in her eyes. Like the day before, there was a briskness in the air. I put another log in the fire. 

Usually with this set up, Matre could wash herself. I knew that she preferred to do that. I was going to go back inside to get some wool that needed to be carded and keep her company. I made it a point to be around, that way she wouldn’t have to call out when she was finished. However to my surprise she waved me over. 

“Please, help me Marin. I feel weak today.”

Inside, I felt a frisson of pain at her words. But I smiled and came over. “You don’t look weak at all,” I teased her. “Are you perhaps feeling lazy today from the giant breakfast we had?” Kneeling next to her, I wetted the soap and cloth. We had both had no breakfast, as was the norm here. But she smiled and went with it. 

“Why yes, the puffed pastries are my favorites and I couldn’t resist a good puffing of myself.”

Her skin was thin and with a transparency that came with the very old. As gently as I could, I started soaping her. “For me it was the pancakes. I couldn’t resist piling them up outside and in.” Our conversation paused as I poured water over the soaped areas. 

“What wrinkled skin I have.”

“The wrinkliest of wrinkles” I agreed, trying to keep the feeling of levity we had.

“They hide my biggest scar,” as she said she stretched a part of her skin up on her stomach. “You see?”

There it was, a thick and jagged scar no longer than half a finger.

“Yes, I see.”

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“It was from my husband, when he tried to kill me.”

Before soaping her hair, I shortly fanned the fire to make it larger.

“It was one of the very first things my father did when we were exiled. He married me. At first he tried finding a rich husband who would support us, to bring us some semblance of the life we had before. But the more time passed, the less likely it seemed. In the end, he married me to have one less mouth to feed.”

I didn’t know what to say, but Matre continued speaking not expecting an answer. I started on her hair, massaging her scalp and taking care that all of her long hair was soaped.

“I never wanted to marry again. Your being with Inparem, is your choice. Whether you use your choice for yay or nay, that choice makes any marriage you have more meaningful than what I and many others had or have.”

“Did you think of running away?”

“Running away from what? Someone who would feed and house me? I trusted my father. I trusted his choice. This is yours.”

I picked up the bucket again, to wash the soap out of her hair. I tried to do it slowly, she looked different naked like this, when dressed it hid how skeletal her body was. Naked, she could have fit right into medieval depictions of death I had seen on an old bridge once. It was the fierce fire in her eyes, that said otherwise. There was another fragility, aiding the look of her frailty, it was the vulnerability of the conversation, with the intimacy of washing. 

“He was surprised after he stabbed me. He looked down, as if he couldn’t believe what he had done. But I could. As if we had rehearsed a dance, I took out the knife without pause and stabbed him in the neck. I didn’t watch him die. I packed some healer’s moss into my wound and left to find a safe place. I had only the clothes on my back, like you when you came here.”

I brushed her wet hair and wrung her hair, before braiding it I fanned the fire shortly keeping us both warm. 

“Should we be talking about this here?” I asked in a hush voice, aware of the open space we were in, with other cottages neighboring by. People were mostly working in the fields at this time, but you could never be sure.

“All of us here have a reason not to want to be found. To keep to ourselves. Mine is no secret. I swore never again would I be bound or reliant on someone else, whether it be a husband or my parents. That was my choice, and I kept it my whole life. Now, it is time for yours. Whatever you choose, I will support you.” She put a hand up with a hair tie, for me to tie the end of the braid and patted my hand as I took it.

Her acceptance and support reminded me of my love towards her. That I wanted her last days to be happy and comfortable. The closer we got, the more I knew that her coming death would be devastating for me. I picked up the blanket and hugged her with it. “Thank you.” My eyes were moist, “Matre,” I started to say. Something in my voice must have given me away.

“No Marin, there are great powers in this world that could lengthen my time. Terrible creatures, witches and the Esoteric ones. None are worth the danger. I have lived long and well. My time is coming and I accept it.” It was hard to accept her choice. I knew little of the world here, mostly the legends and story that Inparem told me. He himself had only been in the Hilled Outlands and the Walker’s Forest. I had to wonder if the dangers were as bad as described.

She put her arms around my neck.

“Ready?” After her affirming nod, I carried her back to the pile of furs that was our bed.

“I think I’ll rest a bit now, I’m tired. Go see Ava before you head out to the fields, she wanted to talk to you.”

“Yes I will.”

By the time I had put out the fire and come back in to put the stool, cloth and soap away, Matre was already sleeping.

***

I walked across the village to Ava, bringing with me some of the yarn I had spun myself in my customary basket.

“Marin!” Aelia, one of Ava’s children called out. Aelia was seven years old, dark haired like her mother, but with none of her seriousness. She was almost jumping about, settling instead into a sort of vibrant hop.

“Is it true that you were in the Walker’s Forest?”

“Yes, Inparem and I went together.”

“What was it like?” 

She came closer, walking next to me. Her blue pansy eyes looked wide eyed up to me. Aelia was a beautiful child. 

I made a show of looking around and then bent my knees to be eye level with her. Her face came closer to hear better. 

“BOO!”

She screamed and jumped as a reaction to my shout, cracking her forehead on mine. “Ow,” I said rubbing my forehead.

We heard a familiar laughter, it was Ava holding her youngest son. Ava had a plump figure with a face full of faint wrinkles and a dark bronze with layers of suntan. She had the kind of wrinkles that brought beauty to a face, that told the story of a warm person, who smiled often and largely. She was standing outside her cottage. “You deserve that for scaring her.” She said it with a smile, softening her words.

“And this too,” Aelia said, kicking me in the shin. 

I didn’t give her the satisfaction of crying out. Instead I bent down and whispered to her “I’ll tell you later, bring your siblings who can keep a secret.” Aelia loved secrets almost as much as she loved telling them. She slipped her hand into mine, and I knew I was forgiven.

“Aelia, did you finish helping Calor?” Calor was one of the other villagers. He lived alone, and kept mostly to himself. When I had first seen him, I had thought he was some mythical creature, like an Ent. Although he was human sized with a human body, his whole face, neck and one of his shoulders were covered with a vibrant moss. I later learned that he had been badly burned, and had been treated by a hack that had applied the wrong moss to his burns. Now the moss lived on him like a parasite, slowly spreading. Mercifully, he still had his sight as the moss didn’t grow on his eyeballs. Although it was hard to see them, they were deeply set in contrast to the springy and green moss growing on him. More than that, and why he lived in this village I did not know, he was not a talkative person.

“Yes, is it time now?” She was back to shifting from foot to foot. Her boundless energy reminded me of my little sister, a thought that brought up a mixture of pain and love. Aelia had quickly come to hold a special place in my heart, and knew it.

“It is, come in you two.”

Ava’s cottage was bigger than Matre’s but it felt smaller and was never quiet. There were two other young children playing together with sticks and cutlery on the floor, judging from the small mess strewed about, they hadn’t been at it for long.

“I brought you some yarn,” showing the small gift. “I spun it myself.” I was proud of it.

“Thank you, it’s perfect. I was hoping to make some more socks for the coming winter,” Ava handed to Aelia her little brother. “I have something for you as well.” She headed over to a flat rectangle chest placed next to a wall. I had never seen it opened. When I had come over I had seen it be used mostly as a sitting place or low table as needed. She took out of it a dress, dyed a rich reddish brown. For a breath of a moment, she just held it, looking down at it. Then she shook it and held it out. It had the same smock like shape as what I wore now, but with more flare starting at the waist. There was delicate silver stitching of buds and blooming flowers along the neckline, hem and end of the sleeves.

“Oh it’s beautiful, and what a lovely color.” These past few months I had become used to everything I and others wore being a brownish color, from dirt and age. Seeing the dyed dress now, emphasized the beauty of the color.

“It has many memories for me. I dyed it myself, with madder root and caznia peel. My mother and I stitched it together, and my father bought the silver thread. He refused to say where it came from or how he could afford it.” 

Aelia was uncharacteristically still, her younger brother she held was also quiet. The two siblings playing on the floor had stopped to see what their mother was doing.

“Try it on.”

“I can’t, I can’t take this from you.”

“You’re not taking it, I’m lending it. For you and Inparem. May you both be as happy as Porco and I are.”

“For Inparem and I?”

“Yes, for the wedding.”

Of course, I felt like an idiot. White wedding dresses were the custom where I had come from, but that didn’t mean that it was the case here.

“Try it on,” Aelia added her voice urging me.

Ava politely turned away but the other children shamelessly stared as I undressed to my shift and pulled the dress on over my head. I didn’t mind it. To them, changing was a bland and commonplace activity, although in Aelia’s case, there was a sharp curiosity. The sleeves and hem were too short, with my wrists clearly out and the dress pinched uncomfortably at the waist. But rather than complain I twirled around, flaring the dress and bowed. It felt appropriate to do so in such a dress.

“Thank you Ava, it’s perfect.”

She waved her hand in dismissal, embarrassed. “No it’s not. The hem and sleeves are too short.” She bent down and flipped the hem of the dress up. “I can lengthen the hem.” Next she looked under the sleeves. “But I can’t do much about the sleeves.”

“It’s fine, the dress is beautiful as is.” 

While I spoke, Ava slipped some fingers under the sleeves of my dress and pulled out the sleeves of my shift, giving the illusion of a longer layered sleeve, with a small puff at the wrist.

“There, that’s better now.” 

“Will I look like that someday?” Aelia asked us, I answered, smoothing her hair with my hand. 

“You will be even more beautiful.” It was the truth. My long arms and legs were out of proportion to my body. And although Aelia and I both had the same dark hair, that could give the illusion that we may be sisters, I had a big belly paired with small breasts, giving my upper body an unflattering pear shape. Aelia and her older sister Patricia had a lithe body, thin and fit in the muscular way of people who worked everyday, all day. Ava had probably been so as well, according to the size of this dress. I thought that as I shifted, feeling again the pinch of the waist.  My own eyes were small and narrow, the same dark color as my hair. In contrast to the long hair all the women had here, mine brushed just past my shoulders. It had been a bob when I had first arrived. My skin was no longer the sickly white it had been when I arrived, after a full summer of being outside, but it was still pale. I didn’t tan well in my old world, and the sun here made no difference.

I undressed, folding the dress carefully into my basket and wore again the smock I had come with.

“When will you be tying the knot?” Ava asked. 

“Probably in two days, on Friday. The longer we wait the less potency the Dog Stalks will have.” After my conversation with Matre, I knew what I wanted to do. There was a relief with having decided, and it felt like the right choice. We headed out together, Ava and I went to the fields to help, while Aelia stayed in the cottage to take care of her younger siblings.