In a magnificent castle built upon a sharp cliff, sat a total of fourteen brilliant knights around the most impeccable square table one could ever imagine.

The table was neither too big, nor too large. It was made of a fine wood and crafted by a collection of some of the lands finest craftsmen. Yet, despite its construction, it was undoubtedly as hard as stone.

It was wide enough to seat the fourteen knights, who insisted on wearing their heavy plated armor even within the confines of their heavily fortified castle, and was unmistakably the squares square table that could possibly ever grace this earth.

If one were to take a ruler and measure each side of this table, they would find that each side was identical to the smallest possible value. Every foot of wood, every inch of this table, every possible atom within its construct was exactly identical on each side.

For this table was no rectangle, nor was it a circle, it was a square table! And as if to honor this holy table, whose corners were as sharp as any blade, and could very well serve as a weapon by itself this band of knights was deemed, the Knights of the Square Table.

The leader of this order of knights, sat at one of the tables mystical sides wearing a crown, but not a circular crown!

To wear a circular crown before the squarest of square tables…

That would be akin to blasphemy to the gods! Thunder and lightning would fall from the sky, striking their castle. All manner of disease and plague would fill the nation, and the harbingers of the end of themselves would descend upon this mortal plain.

So, on this knight's head, sat not but the blasphemous round crown, but the ever holy square crown decorated with gems cut a perfect square. Yet even these sparkling jewels embedded into this kings crown were seemingly worthless before the majesty that was this wooden table.

The king stood up, laying his hand on the square table, “Men, I’ve called you today for only one purpose, and one purpose alone.”

The mood grew heavy, but as the knights felt the absolute beautiful wood bellow their arms through their iron gauntlets they grew calmer as they listened to their mighty king.

“Today, we siege Camelot! We cannot allow the Knights of the Round Table to continue their terrible reign!”

“But your majesty…”, one of the Knights sitting down said, “We’ve attempted to siege Camelot dozens of times this year alone...perhaps it would be best to-”

“SILENCE!”

The king slammed his gauntlets on the wooden table shattering it in an instance. His fists tightened, “For years...for years we’ve fought the Knights of the Round Table as the Knights of the Square Table…”

The king turned to a knight sitting right next to him, “Swordsalot tell us, for what have we been fighting for…”

Swordsalot, whose name originated from the numerous swords hanging from his waist, raised his head solemnly “For the table.”

“Yes! For the table! Those accursed Knights of the Round Table, to have such exquisite tables...it’s a sin!”

The King kicked the shattered table causing the knights sitting in front of him to jump up to avoid the pieces. One knight took out a bell from a leather pack on his waist and rang it.

Several servants hurriedly ran in holding an identical square table just like the last one, and the fourteen knights quickly sat around it. This table was just like the last table, square beyond measure…

There is no table squarer than this table, it was as if this table was crafted by the hands of God himself! Or perhaps the Gods, if you believe in polytheism. But no matter which God made this table, there was definitely no table like it! Well except for the tables stashed in various locations in this castle.  

As the fourteen knights settled down on their new table, a man in robes walked in, “Your majesty, have you calmed down?”

The King looked at the man and asked, “What do you want Nilrem?”

“King Arthur has just left Camelot with his Knights, I believe this is an opportune time to do battle with them. Being away from their Holy Round Table, the Knights of the Round Table will surely have weakened.”

One of the knights slammed his fist on the table causing the fresh table to be dented, “Nilrem, are you suggesting we, the Honorable Knights of the Square table should ambush the Knights of the Round Table who are at a disadvantage being separated from their Round Table!”

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

Nilrem nodded, “Exactly my lord.”

The Knight laughed, “Sure thing, I’m all in, you guys?”

The Knights of the Square table laughed, and the King rose to his feet drawing his sword, “Death to the Round Table!”

The other knights stood up, ““Death to the- gahhh!””

As several Knights stood up hastily, their knees struck the tables sharp corners of the square table. These corners were highly lethal, all who were pierced by its great point had only one faith. Death!

The King panicked, “Swordsalot! Thirstan! Gaywain! And sorry what was your name again?”

One of the knights who struck his knee turned his head, “It was…”

 But before he could respond, he drew his last breath and perished.

The king fell to his knees and released as he greaved, tears of blood fell from his face as he shouted, “Damn you accursed Round Table!”

…

In a field no to far away from the Knight of the Square Tables castle a large group of knights was sitting down sitting around a total of fourteen round tables. At the end of one of each of these round tables sat an especially large and dignified knight in heavy plated armor.

And on the largest round table, a round table whose centered had a large broadsword stuck in the center sat the leader of this band of Knights. The leader of the Knights of the Round Table and drew the sword in the table, this man was known as King Arthur.

King Arthur's table was especially large, and his sword made it especially easy to distinguish, but the most recognizable factor was the fact that only women sat around King Arthur's table.

On each of the other Knights round tables sat a group of knights, each eating, and drinking as they pleased, but on King Arthur’s table, there was no need for food. For why would the holy King of the Round Table, need food!

This King only needed three things, Fame, Glory, and Women! And this unhealthy diet of King Arthur's lead to his body growing ever weaker, as his body grew larger and larger. Yet, this diet of his also strengthened his table.

In the beginning, King Arthur’s round table was about the same size as each of his Knights, being able to sit around four to six people. But as he grew bigger and bigger, so did his table, and now it could easily all fourteen of his loyal knights!

And in order to allow King Arthur’s table to grow ever larger, the Knights willingly allowed the King to be accompanied by a harem of over a dozen women each time.

And as King Arthur was enjoying is a banquet, suddenly the sharp cry of a war horn could be heard across a nearby hill.

The King of the Square table and nine of his Knights of the Square table looked down on the Knights of the Round Table with their swords brandished.

The King of the Square table looked at King Arthur’s table, and then at his women, and then at his table and then at his infuriating amount of women, before saying, “King Arthur today is the day you die! Your table is mine King Arthur!”

The King of the Square Table charged forth with his loyal Knights, and despite having sustained the loss of four of his Knights already, he fearlessly charged forth. He resolved himself, today was either the day he died or the day he would defeat the Knights of the Round Table and steal their Round Tables so that he too could be as popular as them!

King Arthur smirked as he saw the Knights of the Square tables charge, he stood up and grabbed the sword stabbed onto his table, “King of the Square Table, what do you think you can do?”

He quickly pulled the sword from the table raising it the air and then threw it to the side before picking up the round table. Similarly, the remaining Knights of the round table stood up, and they too wielded their Round Tables.

King Arthur shouted, “Men who are we!?”

The Knights shouted in unison, ““The Knights of the Round Table!””

“And what are we!?”

The Knights shouted, ““Invincible!””

And thus the Knights of the Square Table and the Knights of the Round Table, the two extreme philosophies of the might carpenters of older battled.

Even after thousands of years pass, this battle will forever be cemented in history as the most idiotic battle the history has ever known.