Chapter 19: Digging into Four

I slumped a little in my seat when I got into the carriage and leaned against the side of the wall. A few moments later, the door was closed, and we felt the driver kick the horses into gear. With that, we started to roll down the lane away from the city and head home.

Closing my eyes, I blew out a huge breath and did my best to slow the beating of my heart. As soon as we got out of the city, the whole ridiculousness of the last few days chased me. Relief from getting away, exultation in a job well done. It was too much, and I just didn't know how to process it.

I didn't feel "good" about the whole trip, but I felt accomplished. Maybe it was the right word. Maybe I needed this trip beyond the whole demand from my dreams and the contract. Those were valid reasons to have done it, but it was more than that. The trip allowed me to get out of a dangerous place and achieve a better hold on who I was. Getting back to the castle wasn’t something that I looked forward too, but it was less daunting now than when I had left.

My first real experience was killing people. I felt the initial moral twinge I had at the time fading. I wasn't sure where that came from besides that it most definitely wasn’t a lingering notion from their bodies previous owner. However, I was relatively certain that it wasn't a good thing to kill people. But I was either becoming desensitized or more aligned with my reality.

It was a weird thing to think about, as I had no idea where the notion came from. After some reflection and following paths of logic to their conclusion, I decided that it would be best to try to listen to it. Or at least always approach killing with a sort of respect and necessity and not go out of control. Not that I ever really thought that that was a possibility, but I was responsible for others. I wasn't going to lie to myself and say I wouldn't kill. Ignoring the impracticality of such a statement, given my profession, it didn't seem to be the correct decision all the time.

Other than that, there were so many other things I needed to consider as well. This trip had changed a lot. I had a chance to finally really connect with Nine and get to know Four. One was entirely on my side, and I thought Nine was most of the way there. Four was still in the works. I still had a long way to go before my inner circle was fully on my side and on board with everything I wanted to do.

Getting through to Nine was as important as anything, though. From what she had seen that first day, most of the danger I was in came from her talking about how off I was or figuring it out herself without having One and I there to frame it. We weren't totally out of the woods yet, but I felt a lot better about my position.

I knew a little bit more about the world. Well, not too much more, but a little bit more. Enough to hopefully make some decisions. Now, I just needed to learn more about the other mysterious shadow organization I was a member of. It seemed more pressing and dangerous than that assassins I spent most of my time around.

After 20 minutes of leaning against the side of the carriage, I finally sat up and opened my eyes again. The three women sharing the space with me were in a similar state: relaxed, a little bit looser than they were on the way here.

I could tell that they were amped up from the night. One and Nine both looked particularly more tired than Four did. I suppose they were up a lot later.

"Go ahead and sleep," I told One and Nine across from me. "It's okay."

She nodded and gave me a soft smile before reaching out to Nine next to her, pulling her into a hug, and resting her head on her shoulder.

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Nine just let it happen with patience, telling me this was not the first time. Perhaps my experience of being one's pillow on the way here was not unique. Soon enough, they were both leaning against each other and dozing while Four and I watched on.

"Do they always do this even when I'm not here?" I asked Four. It was a good way to start a conversation and hopefully get her talking about the social dynamics I needed to navigate.

She looked at me and shrugged.

"Not really for Nine, but anyone One feels comfortable with is her pillow. I think most of us Numbered have suffered such a fate over the years," she said, that last bit with a smile that made me think that she didn't mind as much as she claimed. The other thing that caught my attention was that she said "years." It was good to know how long she has been around.

She looked at me, "but the other day was the first time I've seen her use you. I wonder what it is that changed."

"You'll have to ask her." I shrugged. "Maybe she'll tell you."

Four shook her head. "I did, and she just said, 'you’ll see,' and told me to keep an open mind."

I smiled. "Have you seen it then?"

Four looked at me as if she was deciding how to answer.

"I may have. But I'm not sure why."

I nodded. I didn't want to push her any harder, as she likely didn't trust me as far as she could throw me, but she could tell that something was different. And she seemed to trust One. I suppose I would just have to give her time for now. I wasn't about to spill the beans to her when I hadn't even talked to Nine about the truth.

When I finally got a chance to talk to One alone, I wanted to see what she thought of the statuses of those two. But I'm thinking it might be time to pull Nine into the fold and tell her everything. Hopefully, One would agree. But I also didn't want to let my conversation with Four drop there.

"Good," I said. "Hopefully, you'll understand soon."

My non-committal answer didn't receive a response, so I continued on. "Are you looking forward to getting back?"

Four's surprise at my sudden behavior change the last couple of days had worn off, and she seemed to be more willing to just go with it. This was likely a question I might have asked someone whom I wasn't close with. However, the polite yet intimidating persona I seemed to carry around fit perfectly in most situations, but asking someone like Nine felt a bit different. That she knew me a lot more intimately made it odd. Still, I thought it was an open-ended enough question that wouldn't raise any suspicions. I also liked that it continued to show the differences between me and who I used to be.

She. "A little bit. Um. Yeah. I never mind getting out and exploring the world a bit, but I do miss my students."

"Your students, tell me about them," I said. "How are they doing?"

For noticeably perked up. "Well… this batch is coming along more quickly than I’d anticipated.”"

She launched into an in-depth explanation of how the prospective recruits were doing with their learning of social manipulation and etiquette.

She apparently was one of the head instructors for both the Blades and Handles, having different classes for each of them. More than anything, she really seemed to care about her work. It was an unexpected development but appreciated nonetheless. Having good instructors was always nice, and putting Four's demeanor in that of a teacher surprisingly didn't strike me as odd as I thought about it a little more. She certainly seemed more suited for the social aspects of the assassination profession. And why wouldn't her fascination with people work well in teaching?

I mostly just nodded and agreed with her as she talked about each of their progress and tendencies in the subjects that they were working with. It wasn't hard to keep up with how much enthusiasm she showed, even if the details of each of the students started to blur together.

Around ten minutes into her explanation, she paused. I was worried that she had gotten self-conscious about her exuberance. But that wasn't it. She gave me a full smile. "Oh, and I think I found a possible Ten for you."