The funny thing about vampires is that they completely upend how we normally perceive both power and threat. It’s not size that matters in the world of the undead, but age. Through methods I didn’t quite understand, a vampire’s strength seemed to be directly related to their time spent upon this Earth. One would normally take a look at someone like Sally and assume that a strong gust of wind could knock her over. That was a mistake. Though young by vamp standards, she had enough years behind her that she could have pimp-slapped me if we came to blows.

Case in point how I found myself on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and waiting for my accelerated healing to kick in and reset my jaw. I’d been hit harder during my short tenure as a vamp, but that didn’t make her punch any less unpleasant. Oh well, at least I hadn’t been knocked the fuck out.

I opened my mouth to speak, but first had to swallow a mouthful of blood, having nearly bitten my tongue in two when she’d connected. She used the delay to spin on her heel toward the rear of the floor.

“Get your fat ass up and into my office ... now.”

Gone was the timid flower of just a few moments earlier and in her place stood the Sally I’d come to know and ... well, let’s just say love wasn’t the first word that sprung to mind.

Wait ... her office?

Curious, I picked myself off the floor and followed as bidden.

She wasn’t kidding. Though most of the place was in disarray, the corner office – featuring a view that the executives at my company would have gladly killed each other for – was much further along. She took a seat in a leather executive chair behind a solid looking mahogany desk. Hell, she even had one of those Newton’s cradle toys to round out things.

I stepped inside and she nodded toward a chair in front of her desk. Feeling like I was about to be dressed down for some stupid corporate slight, I sat and waited to see what she had to say. I didn’t have to wait long.

“What the fuck are you doing?” she snarled, all trace of vulnerability gone.

“Is there a gas leak or something here?” I asked. “Because you’re acting a bit strange if I might say so.”

She raised an eyebrow and I could see a vein pop in her forehead ... quite the feat for someone with no heartbeat. “Do you think this is a joke?”

I reached over and lifted one of the balls of her desk toy. I let go and enjoyed the clack-clack sound they made as they bounced off each other. “Well, I guess this whole being dead thing is sort of a...”

Quick as a snake, she grabbed hold of the cradle and crushed it in her hand. The steel balls, loose of their moorings, rolled across the desk and clattered to the floor – loud in the silence of the room. “In about two seconds those are gonna be yours.”

“So you’re going to touch my balls?”

Sally’s eyes flashed black at my snark, and for a second there I was certain she’d launch herself across the desk and throttle me. Needless to say, she was unusually testy tonight.

Fortunately for me, she took a deep breath and sat back in her chair – a chair much more comfortable looking than the ass-cracker my butt was in. After a moment, she looked me in the eye, pity now coloring her expression, and asked, “You have no fucking clue what’s going on, do you?”

“I just got here,” I replied with a shrug. “All I saw was Alice giving me some attitude, followed by you acting like an extra from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Speaking of which, did I hear you call her Starlight?”

“Yeah,” she replied with a dismissive wave.

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“Why?”

“It’s the same thing as Dusk Reaper. She decided she preferred her old coven name. A lot of the members are reverting back.”

“So they’d rather have stupid X-men code names?”

“I don’t know, maybe it makes them feel special or something.”

“Is that a fact ... Sally Sunset?”

She leaned forward and glared. “Say that stupid last name Night Razor saddled me with again and I’ll show you just how special I can be, Dr. Death.”

“Relax.” I held up my hands in mock surrender, inwardly sighing at the mention of my own idiotic coven name – sadly of my own choosing. “No need for violence.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “That’s the problem. You’re headed down the road toward a lot of violence, more than you bargained for in fact.”

“Just for the record, I didn’t really bargain for any.”

She ignored me and went on. “Did you see them all out there?”

“Uh ... yeah.”

“It wasn’t just Star.”

I thought back to a few short minutes earlier. Come to think of it, there had been an overabundance of hostility in the air. I’d dismissed it, though. I mean, they’re vampires for Christ’s sake. When were they not contemplating violence? Even so, during my short tenure among the undead I’d learned a few things – first and foremost being that there was a strict hierarchy of command. Vampires might act all badass around humans, but the second a higher ranking vamp walked into the room they’d turn into a can of instant pussy – just add water.

That had been the case with me, at least before tonight. As far as they were all aware, I’d taken the mantle of leadership from their former top dog. That made me the head honcho. As a result, my initial days as coven master had been filled with all sorts of ass-kissing and compliments toward my power. As someone who’d been force fed his fair share of slices from the bully cake in high school, I was well aware of how a little power could corrupt. Be that as it may, it was still fucking awesome! I could understand what absolute dictators saw in the job.

I thought about this for a few moments before asking, “All of that shit was directed at me?”

“Why the fuck did you think I put on that act out there? It certainly wasn’t because I was in awe of your mad leadership skills.”

“What? I thought my tough guy act was pretty convincing.”

“For a first grade play perhaps.” She stood up and turned toward one of the plate glass windows, staring out at the nighttime cityscape. “Face it. You’ve been slipping.”

“I have?”

She glanced backed toward me, a frown creasing her mouth as if she found what she was about to say next distasteful. “How many of the coven have you slept with?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Who in the coven have you fucked since you’ve been in charge?”

“Um?”

“Elena? Patrice? Firebird? Any of them?”

“Well, no.”

She shook her head in disgust. “At least you won’t need a shot of penicillin from being with that last bitch.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Do you see the problem here?”

“Not really.”

“You do understand that Jeff had each and every one of them, right?” she asked, using Night Razor’s rather mundane real name.

“You too, if I recall.”

“Yes,” she replied with gritted teeth. “Me too.”

I hadn’t been around to personally experience it, but I’d heard enough to conclude that Jeff had treated the ladies of his coven like his own personal harem. From the sound of things, he’d also been happy to let any of the guys he favored partake in his sloppy seconds.

When I’d first taken over, I’d been nearly bowled over by all the flirtation going on. Women whom I’d normally never have a shot with, outside of maybe my porn fantasies, were throwing themselves at me – mine for the taking. The problem was, I’d been well aware of Jeff’s douchebaggery. I wanted to create a different vibe with my rule, one based off of vampires behaving more human and less like filthy beasts of the night. As a result, tempting as it was – and oh God it was tempting – I’d decided to hold off for a while until such time as I’d earned a little bit of the coven’s trust. At that point, I figured it would be a pussy feast that they’d sing about all the way in Valhalla.

Except that hadn’t happened. Hell, after a while the flirting had dropped off to nothing and I’d found myself back to where I’d been as a human: staring at the eye candy, but unable to sate my sweet tooth.

I didn’t like were this was going. “Okay, so I’m not a serial rapist. So what?”

“Exactly,” she replied as if that told me anything. “So how about killing? Have you offed anyone in the coven yet?”

“Hell no!”

“What about a good old-fashioned ass-beating?” I opened my mouth to reply in the negative, but she held up a hand. “I already know the answer, genius. You may treat this coven as your weekend getaway from your two live-in boyfriends”―referring to my roommates Tom and Ed―“but I’m here twenty-four seven and, believe me, I keep an eye on these things.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re saying all that shit from earlier is because I’ve been a nice guy?”

“Yes,” she replied, leaning over her desk and affording me a glimpse of her generous cleavage. She quickly snapped her fingers, directing my eyes back up to hers. “And you’d better believe that saying about nice guys is true, because your ass is about to come in dead last.”