I realized, standing there in the alleyway watching Firebird work her charms on an unsuspecting fellow, that communicators were a definite plot crutch for comic book heroes. Seems they were always able to instantly talk to their teammates without any problems at all.
Being that I didn’t own any Star Trek tech or even a decent headset, I had to rely on my cell phone – talking low so as to not be overheard by any vampire ears.
“I think she’s making her move.”
“Describe her,” Tom said. His date had apparently come to her senses and rescheduled, much to his chagrin.
“It’s that hot redhead I was telling you about.”
“The one that Douche Razor was porking?”
“Thanks for reminding me.”
“No problem. Just don’t do anything yet.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Wait to see what she does. Maybe you can catch her in the middle of fucking him, see some tits.”
“Give me that!” my other roommate, Ed, said from the other end of the connection. “You two really make me wonder if we’re all the same species here.”
“Bill isn’t,” Tom replied from the background.
“Fuck you, asshole,” I spat into the receiver before looking up and seeing the two disappear inside the building they’d been conversing in front of. Her destination was obvious. The coven owned a small apartment on 20th, specifically designed for situations such as these: heavily soundproofed, vacancies on either side despite this being the middle of the city, high grade laminate flooring for easy cleanup ... that sort of thing. It was a place where a vamp could take their sweet time, as opposed to a quick alleyway feeding. That meant Firebird had plans for this guy.
I considered Tom’s words. He was probably right. I had little doubt there’d be some boning going on in the short term. Firebird, no doubt named for her hair – real genius Jeff was, let me tell you – practically oozed sex with every step she took. She was the type, had she been human, who would have collected rich boyfriends like Tom collected action figures. Mind you, other than some flirting and a lot of blue-balling, none of that shit had ever come my way, but I digress.
Regardless of how the evening started for her date, it would end with him being carted out the back wrapped in plastic and destined to be forever remembered as a missing person. Or at least that’s how she was planning it. My goal was to make sure things ended a wee bit differently.
As I crossed the street, just a guy wearing a black trench coat and carrying a duffel bag, I felt a twinge of guilt. Growing up, I’d been taught that it was not cool to hit women. Picking on those weaker than you was for the realm of the truly pathetic. Still, I needed to remember that the rules went out the window where the undead were concerned. A weak looking façade meant nothing. One needed to only look at Sally to see that. She was half my size, yet could have wiped the floor with me.
If anything, I was the disadvantaged party here. Still, we’d purposely chosen Firebird as my first target. She was a known hunter, flaunting my rules even before the coven had lost respect for me. However, she was far from being considered the crème de la crème of our fighters. I’d once heard Sally say, in a moment of cattiness, that Firebird could suck the skin off a cucumber but would still lose in a battle of wits to one.
Yeah, I was picking a comparatively easy mark for my first mission. Sue me. Even Spider-man started off with the regular Joe who iced his Uncle Ben before moving up to the Green Goblin.
I let myself into the building, noting the lobby was quiet. Another advantage of this place, so I’d been told, was all of the security cameras were dummies – fakes to make the real tenants feel safe, while at the same time letting the building’s owners continue to be cheap fucks. Regardless, I waited until I got into the stairwell to unzip my bag and don my helmet, gloves, and baseball bat – also painted black ... gotta stick with a theme y’know.
Then, feeling like a reject from a Mad Max movie, I made my way up to the fifth floor. It was time to get this party started.
♦ ♦ ♦
Tom and I had spent hours debating catch phrases or snippy one-liners. Never let it be said that we skimped on the important details. In the end, though, we decided ... well, okay, Ed decided after declaring every single thing I said to be pathetic ... that silence would say the most. I could see his point. What’s more terrifying, some dude yelling “Flame on!” or being accosted by a silent vigilante – one who gives you no clue as to his motivation, other than your pain?
Yeah, I could dig that.
Or hopefully I could. My tongue sometimes had a mind of its own.
I stepped out into the hall and made my way to apartment 5-13, inwardly groaning at the clichéd choice in numbers. Sometimes the forces of darkness could be so predictable. I stepped in front of the door and readied myself. My delay was twofold in nature. This was my make it or break it moment. As for the rest, I knew the locks on the door were heavy duty. That was fairly common for coven properties. No point in trapping a human inside someplace they could easily escape from.
Even so, as a programmer I was well versed in the KISS method ... keep it simple, stupid. That meant always trying the obvious stuff before automatically assuming things were complicated. So, just for shits and giggles, I tested the door knob.
To my amazement, it turned. Talk about sloppy. I mean seriously, this was how the coven conducted business? Who the fuck doesn’t lock...
Sadly, I stood there for a second too long gawking at the inept security. Maybe I’d made a noise or the latch clicking open alerted her, but either way the knob was yanked out of my hand as the door was pulled open from the inside.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
“You guys know I’m using the apartment tonight so fuck...” the words died in Firebird’s throat. From her indignation, she’d no doubt thought another coven member was infringing on her space. In a sense that was true, just not how she’d envisioned it. Anyway, apparently this chick had never gone to college. Everyone knows you’re supposed to hang something on the doorknob to tell your roomies to take a hike when there’s horizontal mambo lessons afoot. Jeez, did I have to explain everything to these dumbasses?
“Who the fuck are you?” she asked, regaining her composure.
Over her shoulder, I saw the guy she’d invited in. He was sitting on the couch looking impatient, his shirt already open in the front. He looked in my direction and stood. “You didn’t tell me you had a roommate.”
“She doesn’t,” I said, my voice low and threatening. So much for being the silent and deadly type.
I reared back a brass-knuckled fist, ready to deliver a haymaker to emphasize the point, but then I fucking hesitated. Though I knew damn well what she was, to my eyes Firebird still looked like a girl. I could hear my dad talking in my head telling me that only a fucking coward would do what I was about to – like I was some Joe Six-pack sitting around while my wife washed the laundry or did the dishes in a way that displeased my royal ass.
Sadly, the hesitation cost me. Firebird might not have had much of a rep as a brawler, but she was still a vampire. She grabbed me by the front of my sweatshirt, her claws squealing against the metal tray covering my vitals, and dragged me bodily into the room – sending me flying into an end table.
Thanks, Dad!
I rolled with the landing, for the most part unhurt, but stayed down for a second longer than I needed to. First of all, I wanted to push any residual chivalrous bullshit to the back of my head and second, I realized she had no clue I was a vamp like her. My costume ... err uniform that is ... had worked. I could use that to my advantage.
“What, is it fucking Halloween already?” Firebird asked with a laugh as she turned and closed the door. This time she made it a point to latch the deadbolt, obviously thinking her intended snack was going to turn into an all you can eat special.
“What are you doing?” her date asked, showing that his end of the gene pool obviously hadn’t been stirred with the clue stick.
“Sit down, lover. This is where it gets fun.”
“I’m not into threesomes with other guys.”
“Don’t worry,” I replied, lowering my voice an octave and rising to my feet. “Someone is getting fucked here tonight, but it isn’t you.”
“What was that?”
Oh fuck me sideways with a rusty boat hook. “Never mind.”
Firebird put her hands on her hips and laughed. “Let me help you out of that jacket and into something more comfortable, like your flayed skin.” Really? She actually said that? I could see why she usually stuck to flirting. Sally’s eyes would have practically rolled out of her head had she heard that line.
Firebird advanced upon me, still smiling. What annoyed me more, though, was the lack of surprise on her face. What, did masked dudes regularly interrupt coven orgies? Man, the supernatural world was fucking weird. No matter, she obviously thought I was going to be an easy mark.
Pity for her, she was wrong on a lot of levels and it was time for school to be in session. She slashed at me with her claws, a sloppy haymaker. I’d had the barest of combat training, a week spent getting my ass kicked in a krav maga class before realizing I had better things to do, but even I saw it coming a mile away.
I stepped into it and planted an armored fist into her face, pulling my punch a bit so that she definitely felt it, but it didn’t come across as being delivered with superhuman strength.
Nevertheless, it had the desired effect. Her lip split, blood flew, and she stumbled back a step, dazed.
So this was what it was like to be winning a... “Oof!”
Something slammed into my back and I went down face first. There wasn’t a lot behind the blow, but I’d been caught by surprise. What the hell?
I quickly rolled over, only to find Firebird’s date standing over me holding a chair.
He raised the makeshift weapon. “Think you’re tough, asshole?”
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Did this shit-for-brains not realize his life was in danger? Actually, he probably didn’t. I’d interrupted them before Firebird could show her hand. I’d need to refine my approach going forward.
First, though, I’d need to live through this.
Thankfully, my salvation came in the form of my intended foe. Firebird stepped in and caught the chair before the guy could bring it down on my head.
“This one’s mine, lover.” she said, flashing her fangs at him.
“What the fuck?” he gasped.
“Oh don’t worry.” She wrenched the chair out of his hands with little effort. “I love a man who’s willing to stand up for a woman. I’ll make sure you die with a smile on your face.”
With that, she backhanded him and sent him flying over the couch.
Awesome! Well, maybe not for him. With the exception of Sally, I had a fairly low opinion of the folks under my charge. I considered them heavy on looks, but light in the brains department. I was happy to see that I wasn’t going to be disappointed in my assumptions for a change. In one fell swoop, she’d laid her cards on the table and given me the opening I needed. Now to only hope she hadn’t killed the guy with that hit. That would kind of defeat the purpose.
Oh well, I’d worry about him later.
Firebird grabbed me by my coat and dragged me to my feet, erasing any leverage advantage she might have had. I thanked her by driving my head forward and smashing the front of my helmet into her face. In the ongoing battle of carbon fiber versus noses, carbon fiber wins.
It wasn’t a huge blow, but it backed her up a step.
She put a hand to her nose and eyed the freely dripping blood that rubbed off on it with a look of pure murder. “You’re gonna pay for―”
I gently interrupted her tirade with a baseball bat to the kisser. “Your change, miss.” I know I was supposed to keep my mouth shut, but goddamn it was just too much fun to throw out quips… especially when I was winning.
I socked her again with the bat and she went down to one knee. I’d seen how tough vampires were, and knew how quickly they could get back into a fight. The time for chivalry was over. I wound up and this time put everything I had into my swing, bringing the bat down against the back of her head with a solid clonk.
Firebird went down like a sack of bricks and lay there unmoving.
I looked her over, carefully in case it was a ruse, but she wasn’t exactly a navy seal. As expected, she was out cold and looked like she’d been run through a trash compactor. Despite everything, a part of me felt bad, but then I remembered that the worst of it would probably already be healing by the time she woke up. Now to only hope she sought out the others before the last of the bruises faded, so as to tell them about her maniacal assailant.
Oh who the fuck was I kidding? Considering how fast word of my pussing out against Dusk Reaper had spread, I sincerely doubted I’d have to wait long before hearing about this.
The job done, I dragged the would-be hamburger helper back to his feet. He appeared dazed but otherwise unhurt.
After a few moments, his eyes cleared and they opened wide in panic. “What the fuck was that? What the fuck are you?”
“I’m a friend,” I replied, loudly so Horndog could understand me.
“And her… that? What was…?”
I held up a hand. This was no time for exposition, not unless I wanted to give Firebird the baby seal treatment again. “All you need to know is that there are things out there beyond your understanding.”
“My understanding?”
“To put it bluntly,” I replied, not wanting to say the V word in front of this douche-nozzle.
“The hell with this shit, asshole. I’m calling the cops.” Rather than run, like I hoped, he reached into his jacket for his phone.
Fuck that noise. I grabbed it out of his hands and crushed it, hopefully sending the message home. Remembering a line from Blade, I quickly added, “They own the police. They’re everywhere.”
“But what…?”
“Go home and forget about this. Pretend it never happened so you don’t draw attention to yourself.” I walked to the door and held it open for him. “And next time… bring more than just a condom for protection.”