"Hi Raymond. Long time, no see. Do you still remember me? Also you look to be just as sweet as I remember you being. I think this because you currently seem to be of the Jungian 'It's-It' archetype."
Raymond looked at the strange figure that stood before him with a wide eyed expression. He was a man that wore a nice dress shirt, glasses, and had short blond hair. He looked so out-of-place but yet very familiar.
“Phil…..” Raymond squeaked out, “Phil is that you?”
“No,” The figure replied with a massive grin.“I’m just your average Billy Bob who maps out the meaning of ancient mythical beings onto a dirty sweatshirt to make the deduction that the person in front of me is in a particular domain of well-being. I also like my eggs sunny-side up.”
Raymond thought, He’s so annoying. He must be Phil. My best friend!
But upon coming to this realization, Raymond froze in fear.
Does he hate me for not contacting him after all of these years? Is his going to mock me for growing up to be such a failure in life? What if we’re too different now? Does he even really remember who I am? Is he goin-
Phil’s eyes teared up, and he lunged towards Raymond and gave him a massive bear hug, which got the sticky white cream of the It’s-It all over Phil’s nice dress-shirt.
“Raymond!” Phil shouted with glee. “I’m so happy to see you again!”
Raymond smiled.
“Yea, I’m glad to see you again, too. Let’s sit down and play catch-up.”
And they both thought, Our seperation has only quadrupled our bond!
They then both stood there hugging for a few moments, and took note of a few onlookers.
This is quadruple gay.
***
After the two of them sat down Phil asked, “So Raymond, how have you been in the time we’ve been separated?”
“Fine, I guess. I was just in a bit of a sticky situation, but since middle school I got a new cat, I’m still into the same hobbies, I met King again when I was in highschool and we became friends, and I’ve been trying out Ligma.”
“What’s Ligma?” Phil asked inquisitively.
“Ligma balls!”
“Heh?” Phil was looking wide-eyed in confusion.
Raymond and Phil always loved to rub off on each other. It was a coping mechanism of sorts.
Raymond knew that with his superior meme knowledge, he could easily score a point for his side.
Someone needed to call his birdie again.
Phil was still looking wide-eyed in confusion, “But seriously, what is Ligma? Is it something made by Chris Maw?”
“Who’s Chris Maw?”
“Chris Maw ass!” Phil replied triumphantly.
It looked like Phil still had the ability to use his “intellectual” brain to come up with a “clever” “comeback”. As always.
The game was tied.
Phil went on to say, “And also Raymond, your sweatshirt looks dirty. You should take it off.”
Raymond took off his sweatshirt, and in the process showed Phil his T-shirt of Sonic the Hedgehog, which Raymond had completely forgotten about (again).
Phil instantly burst out into laughter.
Damn it!
Raymond’s birdie which was now in the his local veterans hospital, hopped out of bed, went out to his chalkboard in a wheelchair and chalked up a point for Phil.
In retaliation Raymond said, “Hey, that dress shirt of yours looks like it’s dirty too. You should take it off. You usually wear a T-shirt underneath it, so that shouldn’t be a problem right?”
Phil happily did as he was told and took off his dress shirt.
Underneath it was a T-shirt that had an illustration on it of the great German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche standing atop a rock, wearing a leather jacket, and he had on a pair of badass shades. However the interesting part of the illustration was that Nietzsche was packing heat, and firing into a crowd of communist flags and SJW propaganda, inflicting mass carnage. It looked to be a Nietzsche parody of the original DOOM cover.
But as if all of that wasn’t grotesque enough, there was a caption below the illustration that read:
“God is dead. And I have killed him.”
Raymond exploded into laughter and his birdie reluctantly had to make this a tied game once more. The birdie desperately hoped retirement would soon relieve him of his duties.
“Hey,” Phil said. He was a little red-faced. “I want you to know that this is just a joke.”
“Well, if that was a joke then please keep up whatever you’ve been doing because that damn near killed me.”
***
After the whole T-shirt fiasco Phil said, “Though joking aside, it’s great to hear that you met up with King again.”
“Yea, we met up in a club back in my sophomore year of highschool. Though sadly he’s not at this college. What’s been going on with you since we last met?”
“Nothing.”
“That can’t be true. Something must have happened in the time we’ve been separated.”
“No,” There was a chilling presence in Phil’s voice. “Not much has happened. My clinical practice has been near barren of any serious customers, and my conquest to be the world’s leading intellectual has been quite unfruitful. In fact, since enrolling in this college I haven’t gotten a single patient.”
Raymond found this quite troubling. In the pursuit of their dreams, they had both drifted. Raymond knew himself to be a guy who was helplessly delusional when it came to finding love, and Phil was a philosopher spouting madness. The two of them weren’t children anymore, but many of the childish problems they had back in middle school were their shadow. They were both adults that were like children but with a fourth of the potential and a fortieth of the charm. They were manchildren. They were both mementos of their perverse past.
Raymond wanted to try to comfort Phil in the only way he knew how.
“Well,” I could be your next patient…”
Phil’s eyes lit up.
“Wow, you’d actually do that for me?”
“Yup.”
“Well then, what’s your problem? Did your parents leave you? Are you dead broke? Did your house burn down?”
“No.”
“Then who got murdered?”
Raymond’s face turned pale.
“That’s not it either...”
“What is it then?”
“Well, you see…. My problem is that ……. It’s that …….” Raymond took a deep breath, and put on his serious face. “It’s that, you see my dear Phil, I lack the ability to attract a member of the human species that is lacking a Y chromosome. It’s quite an elementary problem my dear Phil. It really is.”
Stolen novel; please report.
“Oh, so you’re having a hard time getting a girlfriend.”
“Yea…”
“Well, you are right. that problem of yours doesn’t seem very bad in terms of its effect or solving. Plus, you’re in luck by having me as your therapist, as I recently got myself into a long distance relationship.”
“Really?”
Relationship, my ass.
“Yes.”
“Congratulations!”
How about instead of selling yourself to your girlfriend; you sell yourself to the angel of death!
Raymond went on to say, “Well then, I’m curious, how did you two meet?
“We met on an internet forum and started chatting. She’s a pretty secretive person, so that’s all I’ll say.”
“Ok, so I got another question: how is she like?”
“Like I said, she’s a pretty private person. Not answering.”
Steam was starting to come out of Raymond’s ears.
“Is she gainfully employed?”
“Could you ask me something a little less personal?”
“Is she cute?”
Phil rolled his eyes to the back of his skull.
“I said less personal.”
“You know Phil, you’re being a total pussy.”
“Well, you know what they say; you are what you eat.”
That comeback really did almost damn near kill Raymond.
At about this time, dark thoughts were starting to cloud Raymond’s mind. He seriously started to doubt whether or not Phil was lying about his newfound relationship. Though after a little more thinking, he came to the conclusion that the chances that Phil was lying were next to zero.
And that conclusion came to Raymond when he thought about the day he first met Phil.
***
It was a mellow Fall day shortly after the dawn of Raymond’s seventh grade year.
Raymond was walking the dreary after school grounds when he heard someone crying for help.
Raymond ran to see what was going on. When he got to the site of the cries he saw a scrawny nerdy-looking blond-haired kid with glasses being backed into a corner by a horde of angry obese smelly kids. They were cleary bullying him.
Raymond, having just suffered a miserable lonely sixth grade, couldn’t just stand there and watch one of his kind get bullied, and ran towards the pack of pig-skinned ogres.
“Hey you guys, pick on someone your own size.” Raymond yelled. “And width”
“You callin’ us fat?” One of the ogres spoke out in a whale-like roar.
“Leave this baby-man alone,” One of the roly-polies said. “Our score to settle is only with this philosopher over here.” The roly-poly then faced Phil’s direction. “So, is it true that you said that to Ackley over here. Tell the truth.”
“Ah, the truth!” The nerdy-looking kid got up and said. “The truth is the thing that we use to establish order. It’s the thing that we use to redeem ourselves when he push the world towards evil. It’s the greatest moral virtue. The antithesis of it, lies, is what a dictator uses to keep his people in check. Telling the truth is basically the 11th commandment.”
The tubs of lard on two legs did not look the slightest bit intrigued or amused by Phil’s words.
Another one of the land-whales spoke out, “So, is it true that you told Ackley over here that he is of the ‘Fatass-archetype’?”
“Stop telling lies!” The nerdy-looking kid responded as he jumped like a high jump gold medalist.“I told Ackley that he was a candy-ass faggot.”
“Ok, that’s it. Let’s get him!” The entire hoard responded.
Phil then turned to look at Raymond.
“Sorry man,” Raymond responded. “But to tell you the truth I don’t think you or I can take these guys on. Truthfully, I think you should run.”
Ok, this guy deserves everything that’s coming to him.
The nerdy-looking kid ran, but the bullies quickly caught up to him and began their assault.
Raymond turned to look away, but after a minute or so, he turned to look at the brutality in front of him.
Raymond wanted to run and look away from the carnage, but like with a car accident, he just couldn’t help but watch out of some kind of morbid curiosity.
The sight of the horde of big fat bullies grinding away at the nerdy-looking kid looked like a pack elephant seals smashing their stomachs together, trying to open up a bloated carton of soy milk with a blond wig on top of it.
It was a truly wretched sight. It was vomit-inducing. It was the kind of sight that took away your innocence. And worse yet, no one was filming it.
Suffice to say, Raymond hadn’t been half as heroic on that day as he initially remembered…
***
After the elephant seals left their prey, Raymond tried to leave the vicinity. But just as he was about to, he heard the nerdy-looking kid speak out in an quiet hoarse voice, that was inadauble due to how far away Raymond was from the sound.
Raymond, feeling sorry for leaving the nerdy-looking kid, decided to hear what he had to say.
Raymond walked towards the nerdy-looking kid, and as he did, he started to feel nervous because of how much he thought the nerdy-looking kid would scrutinize him for running away.
When Raymond got close to the nerdy-looking kid, he closed his eyes and waited to hear the words that were about to come out of the tattered up boys mouth.
“Thank you.”
Raymond opened his eyes.
“You’re….” Raymond paused, confused at the words of gratitude coming out of the nerdy-looking kid’s mouth. “Welcome?”
“I really appreciate what you did for me.” The nerdy-looking kid responded with all the sincerity in the world.
“Me too.” Raymond responded half-jokingly, still confused about what was going on.
“Like, I’ve never had someone attempt to stand up for me before. In fact, just thanks to your involvement the bullies seemed to go easier on me than their usual prey, and they seemed to fight more amongst themselves than with me.”
Upon thinking about Phil’s words, Raymond did remember the blond haired kid getting beat-up seeming a little heavier than the nerdy-looking kid. Perhaps he just walked in on the bullies fighting with each other.
The nerdy looking kid went on to say, “My name’s Phil, Phil-the-Philosopher! Thank you so much, buddy!”
Buddy? Who is this guy?
“There’s no need to be so gracious. It wasn’t a problem.” Raymond took a brief pause. “pal.”
Phil started to get up, and Raymond noticed him crack something that resembled a smile.
Raymond went on to say, “By the way, what exactly are you doing here? How’d you get into this mess?”
Phil then got up and explained that he was a child psychologist and philosopher and aimed to be the world’s #1 psychologist and philosopher when he grew up. He then talked about his recent research where he tried to connect the psychological and philosophical significance of the Bible to the film The Brave Little Toaster, and finally related the connection between those two works to how our society is structured; from our cities to our mini-golf courses.
Raymond found talking to Phil to be delightful because he sounded batshit crazy.
His words really were a special kind of crazy. It was the kind of crazy that fueled dozens of hours of top-ten videos. It was the kind of crazy that made Raymond sit in front of his computer for hours and read through Wikipedia articles about serial killers. It was the kind of crazy that was so distant from the common-man that it was relatable.
In other words: it was the good kind of crazy.
Raymond loved talking to Phil. So much so that at the end of their conversation Raymond managed to squeak out something he truthfully thought, “We… should…….. meet again tomorrow.”
In the coming days, Phil and Raymond met each other several times and they found out they had some similar interests and had (somewhat) congruent personalities. Phil loved the togetherness, and Raymond loved the madness.
And thus their friendship started with the truth.
***
Since Phil seemed to only speak what he believed to be true when it came to serious topics since day one, Raymond decided not to pressure him anymore on his newfound relationship, and decided to change the topic instead.
“So, how about we continue to talk about me being your next patient.”
“Ok, Currently being a patient of mine doesn’t require you to give me anything. However, before we start I need to tell you that I won’t be holding anything back, and any damages to your mental and physical health will not be covered by some kind of warranty. Do you still want to go through with this?”
“Yes, I accept.” Raymond responded without a moment's hesitation.
After Raymond gave Phil his words of approval, Phil tilted his head downwards, and gave Raymond a stern look.
“So are you ready for it?”
“What?”
“I’m about to give you something that might just be the solution to you getting a girlfriend. It’s my secret weapon. An antidote to perversion, if you will. However, it’s known for having a high chance of giving it’s user some adverse reactions. And the substance itself has quite an unusual look and taste.” Phil took a deep breath. “So, are you ready?”
Phil’s words sent shivers down Raymond’s spine, but without a moment's hesitation, Raymond responded, “Yes.”
“Ok, hopefully I have it in my backpack, and if I do, this will be one hell of a way to start our newfound friendship.”
Phil put his hand in his backpack, making what looked to be careful movements. It seemed as if whatever was in there was fragile. After a couple of moments, Phil’s hand stopped moving, and Phil’s jaw dropped as if he had just struck gold. Phil grabbed on to whatever was in his backpack, and slowly took it out.
Raymond’s heart was pounding and sweat poured down his forehead as he wondered what Phil could possibly be holding onto.
Eventually the illusive antidote revealed itself.
It was a water bottle.
What in the fuck?
Raymond asked, “Why are you giving me a water bottle?”
“Because you sounded thirsty!”
Phil gave a bow as if he were a child in a circus.
Raymond rolled his eyes.
“Very funny Phil.” Raymond said with all the sarcasm in the world and more. “Also was there any truth in saying that water has a ‘high chance of causing an adverse reaction’.”
“Well, many millennials nowadays despise the taste of water.”
“Good point, I guess….”
“But in all seriousness,” Phil said with gravitas. “It would be best for you to explain your problem from its origins all the way up now, so I can begin my psychoanalysis.”
And so Raymond prepared explain his story starting from that faithful first day of school, and Phil prepared to perform his “dangerous” psychoanalysis which would act as an antidote.
An antidote to perversion.