Raymond was about to start the “date” that would change his life forever. However in order for his “date” to be a success, Raymond needed to execute all of the steps of his plan. Unfortunately, the first step of his plan had already failed, but he still had many more steps to go, so it was possible for him to make up for his failure. Raymond had two goals for his little “date”: to find out Miss Interpretation’s name and to woo her over, or at the very least become friends with her. The latter goal was of the uttermost importance to Raymond because he had a fear that in the near future his teacher would change the class seating arrangements and he wouldn’t be able to talk to Miss Interpretation anymore. Plus, he didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to meet with Miss Interpretation outside of class after this. Suffice to say, Raymond felt that if he didn’t make his shot here count, he would never be able to get with Miss Interpretation.
At this point Raymond had just entered the Cafeteria with Miss Interpretation following him. Thanks to Raymond’s outlandish statement just moments prior, there was a sense of awkwardness lurking in the air between the two of them.
Miss Interpretation, clearly wanting to do away with the awkwardness, decided to say, “So how about we order our food?”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
When the two of them went into the line to order their food, Raymond felt as if Miss Interpretation had just played herself right into his trap. That trap of course being the second step of his plan. A trap that would unleash a real zinger.
Step 2: Hit Her with a Real Zinger and She’ll Hit on You
Like the last step, this step was simple: just tell a joke. People love jokes, so it would make sense that a good joke had the ability to win over a woman’s heart. Raymond was determined to have a date with destiny and a honeymoon with hilarity.
Raymond began to think about the jokes he was going to tell.
What’s a good thing about a black Asian?
They can’t drive the cars that they steal!
Wait, that joke’s way too offensive to tell her. I need to think of something else.
What’s the difference between a girl’s argument and a knife?
The knife has a point!
Oh god, that might actually offend her. Hmmm…. I need to think of something that isn't offensive that would humor her.
Hey girl, I’m sorry to tell you, but my dick is only two inches...
From the ground!
Dios mío, a girl my age probably isn’t going to like that kind of dirty humor.
Raymond kept trying to think up jokes that weren’t dirty, or horribly offensive, but regardless of how hard he tried he couldn’t think up a single clean joke.
Truth be told, despite having studied his steps to the the point where he wrote them down and tried to memorise them as if they were his final exams, Raymond hadn’t thought up a specific joke to tell. He did this because he thought that he had a catalog of impressive zingers stored up in his brain that were sure to make Miss Interpretation die of laughter. But Raymond soon realized that he was wrong. While he was right when he thought that he had a catalog of jokes, his catalog didn't contain the kind of jokes that he thought a girl his age would like.
Soon Raymond and Miss Interpretation reached the front of the line and were ready to order. Raymond, not wanting to abandon the second step of his plan, tried to quickly think up a joke. He searched his mind looking for word puns and contemporary issues and after some thinking Raymond thought up a profound and hilarious zinger.
“Hey, Is t-the s-stock market an old PC? Because it loves to CRASH!”
Miss Interpretation responded by saying,
“Gotcha….”
There wasn’t a hint of amusement in her voice. In fact, she probably didn’t even think that was a joke. Though the old chef behind the counter grinned at Raymond’s little wisecrack. While the chef’s grin did give Raymond some solace, it ultimately meant very little to him. Raymond wanted to be a charmer of women; not the comedy king of his local retirement home.
***
After ordering and picking up their food Raymond and Miss Interpretation waited in line to pay.
While in line Miss Interpretation said to Raymond, “Hey, I have to go to the restroom. Can you save my spot?”
“S-sure.”
As Raymond waited for Miss Interpretation to return, Raymond looked around the cafeteria. As he did, he noticed a freezer that contained all sorts of frozen treats. Raymond wanted to get something in it very badly, so he asked someone to save his spot, and went up to the freezer. While there, he saw an It’s-It and couldn’t stop himself from taking it. This cafeteria allowed you to eat sweets before paying for them (granted that you showed them the wrapper afterwords) and Raymond wanted to eat the it’s-it right there and then. He peeled open the top part of the wrapper and right before he was about to take a bite out of it, he heard a female voice call out,
“So did you get someone else to save our spot?”
Of course, it was Miss Interpretation. Raymond’s heart jolted and he hid the delicious treat behind his back because he didn’t want his crush to know of his unhealthy eating habits.
Raymond responded, “Don’t worry, I got someone to save our spot. He’s the guy in the brown T-shirt over there.”
Raymond pointed his finger at the man and Miss Interpretation looked away in the direction Raymond pointed. Raymond used this as an opportunity to put the It’s-It in the back zipper pocket of his backpack. When Miss Interpretation turned back to Raymond, she looked at the freezer and said,
“Wow it looks like they got a bunch of It’s-Its in there. Wonderful! I’m not in the mood for it now, but I love It’s-Its.”
At this point, Raymond thought it would be a good idea for him to tell Miss Interpretation that he had just bought an It’s-It.
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
But then Miss Interpretation said, “Though it looks like a bunch of them got crushed during the shipping and handling process. What a shame. I question how some people can be so careless with their products.”
And I question how the hell you can keep up your figure while occasionally shoving It’s-Its down your pie trap.
Considering that he had an it’s-it wasting away in his backpack, Raymond didn’t think would be a good idea to bring up that he had just bought one.
***
After that little debacle Raymond and Miss Interpretation were about to pay for their food. Raymond got out double the amount of money he needed to pay for his food and was ready to execute the third step of his plan.
Step 3: If You Want a Girl to Like You: Just Buy Her Shit
This step was to simply pay for both of their meals. Miss Interpretation was sure to appreciate how much of a nice guy he was and fall for him.
Now, time to face an attack I like to call “Supreme Selflessness: Roaring Eagle”.
Raymond said to Miss Interpretation, “Hey, I’m sorry for waiting outside for so long. I’d like to repay you by paying for both of our meals.”
In Raymond’s head his words had just sent out a virtuous eagle who was sure to come back carrying Miss Interpretation’s love.
People are so simple: just pay them and their animalistic urges for wealth and security will surely turn them on!
Miss Interpretation responded, “I’d prefer to pay for myself. I’d feel pretty bad if you used your precious money on me and not on something more important. I didn’t mind the wait that much so it’s not like you owe me anything.”
Raymond’s birdie had been shot down.
Dammit, she’s such a selfless, kind, and excellent human being.
Miss Interpretation went on to say, “Thanks for the offer though.”
Raymond's now bandaged up birdie got up, hobbled around on its crutches, went up to a chalk board, and chalked up half a point for Raymond's side.
***
Raymond and Miss Interpretation soon found a table to sit down at and it was now time to work on the project.
The project that they were working on was a short project that consisted of two parts. The first part consisted of both partners writing down how the the main character of the novel they were reading actions connected to the novel’s deep narrative theme of relatability. The point of this was to have some eye-opening experience where you were supposed to see how people aren’t so different from one-another after all. But of course, it was total bullshit. Raymond was certain no one learned anything from this project other than how to use mental gymnastics so you could get ANY quote to fit your analysis. The second part of the project however, required a partner, as you needed to ask your partner some questions and tie their answers into the theme of relatability. This was supposed to be done so you could see the theme of relatability in real-life, and see how similar people really are. Of course, this was also bullshit. Fortunately for Raymond, he had prepared pretty nicely for this project. He was sure that Miss Interpretation was going to ask questions to test his manhood like, “What’s your greatest life achievement?” To which he would respond, “I don’t know. I’d have to spend all day sifting through all of my excellent life achievements in order to answer that.” Or maybe she’d try to figure out what he’s interested in and ask, “What kind of music do you listen to?” And he would respond, “I usually listen to the symphonies of Beethoven. I also listen to a bit of Mozart before I’m about to go to bed.” Raymond had done a lot of research on high art, so any question about his interests would be no challenge. Raymond felt that as long as a question wasn’t too broad and didn’t force him to tell too big of a lie: he was fine.
However, now that Raymond and Miss Interpretation were staring face to face, Raymond started feeling the war inside his body again, and anxiety overcame him once more. While Raymond had gotten much less nervous around Miss Interpretation since that first day of school, Raymond still couldn’t help but feel nervous because of how high the stakes were. It seemed that for whatever reason Raymond’s training with his Sonic plushie barely helped his nerves. The reasons for this were seemingly endless. Maybe it was because Raymond didn’t train hard enough. Maybe it was because he didn’t train long enough. Or maybe it was because he trained with a fucking plushie of Sonic the Motherfucking Hedgehog.
Miss Interpretation asked her first question, “What is your favorite book?”
“I-it… umm.. uh … It’s Dostoevsky’s Cr-Crime and Punishment.”
Raymond tried thinking of ways to control his nerves once more so he hopefully wouldn’t spaghetti all over the place later. He stared into the eyes of the inquisitive demon who unknowingly was trying to drag him into the pits of an embarrassment inferno and thought,
Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fear. She’s not a demon. In fact, She’s not even human. She’s an android. No one cares what a stupid machine lifeform says or thinks. Getting scared because of her would be like getting scared because of a printer. Actually, she’s not just any android: she’s an android who was sent here from another world to abduct my cock. She’s here to help me. And I have plenty of evidence to make the reasonable deduction that she’s an android. BEEP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP. Hear that? I’m sure those are the sounds that she makes when I’m not around. Ha, gotcha Android! I know your little secret!
Miss Interpretation asked, “So what do you do in your freetime?”
Oh no, she asked about what I honestly do with my life. My weakness!
And that was when Raymond realized that if Miss Interpretation was an android: she was the Terminator.
Luckily, the next step of Raymond’s plan would help him smoothly get by the Terminator’s deadly question.
Step 4: Build Confidence by Impressing Her With a Dazzling Outfit Tha- Wait a Minute
Raymond looked down and realized that he had been so eager to get to their meetup early that he forgot to dress nicely. Instead of wearing something like a nice polo shirt, he was wearing the stereotypical virgin hoodie. He would have taken it off if it wasn’t for the fact that underneath his sweatshirt he wore a T-shirt that had Sonic the Hedgehog on it saying his famous line from the end of Sonic CD: “You’re too cool!” (Perhaps the greatest compliment Raymond had ever received).
But that’s enough about Raymond’s poor fashion choices. Raymond needed to say something.
Raymond responded, “Ummmm… I uhhh…”
Over the the next second Raymond thought up a hurricane.
Raymond was facing a moment of weakness. He started feeling useless because of his inability to talk to his crush. His mind began to drift and he started to think about how much of a better job inanimate objects would do in his position.
Would a lightbulb be having a mental breakdown right now? Of course not: it’s a lightbulb. Hell, just think about all the things a lightbulb can do. In addition to not having anxiety driven fits, lightbulbs are very bright, useful to others, And get screwed.
Raymond’s mind began to drift even more. He thought about the the traits that the great man who invented the lightbulb, Thomas Edison, had.
And who was Thomas Edison? An old white dude! Wait, old dude? That’s it!
Raymond remembered two things his old man once told him and it gave him the courage to give a response.
Raymond answered, "I hike, swim, and read books in my free time."
Step 5: Bullshit it till you make it (Or at Least I Think That's the Quote)
And
Step 6: There's nothing wrong with being normal
Wait, my old man's saying was,"Fake it till you make it."
Raymond knew if he shared anything about what he does in his free time it'd be embarrassing, so he decided to lie and pretend to be a normie. If he did this he wouldn't have to keep up any really elaborate lies that would result disaster. Though he kinda wished he was a normie. Locking himself in his room did get boring sometimes.
"Okay, cool." Miss Interpretation responded.
And Raymond wished that Miss Interpretation found his lies about being a normie to be something grand. Though the fact that she said "cool" did show that he was moving in the right direction.
Raymond's bandaged up birdie, rolling his eyes at Raymond's interactions, reluctantly chalked up another half a point for Raymond's side.
But now it was time for Raymond to do his part and ask Miss Interpretation some questions. This was an easy task as Miss Interpretation had given Raymond a handful of mysteries for him to try and solve.
Raymond asked, "So what were you planning on doing this Friday evening? Was it important?"
And so Raymond began his investigation into the mysterious life of Miss Interpretation.