Consciousness returned slowly, and I wished it hadn’t. The first thing I felt was pure agony. Every muscle and sinew and nerve screamed in pain as if I’d been punched into the center of a volcano. My thoughts twitched, like my brain was short circuiting.

What happened? I tried blinking open my eyes, but only one responded. It barely fluttered, but the other only speared my mind with a fresh spike of agony.

Through my one partially open eye, a big, brown shape, blurry from distance, was getting smaller, surrounded by blackness. I couldn’t seem to focus on it, and I couldn’t move anything but that one eyelid. I couldn’t feel my body or the ground beneath me.

Not a good sign. I glanced at my mini map for a clue.

What the hell? Had it shorted out? My mini map was flashing and blurring like the lightning had fried it.

Lightning! Memories crashed back and my headache spiked again. Where was the boar-taur? Was he preparing to finish me off? I tried to leap to my feet but my body screamed at me for being stupid.

I needed to see what was going on, so I expanded my mini map. Even though my eyes weren’t working, I could still see the map. I had never realized before that it projected right into my mind, or something.

I stared for a moment, not understanding as the golden star representing my position on the map shot across the landscape. I wasn’t running. I couldn’t move or even feel my legs.

No, I couldn’t feel anything but pain. Not good. That terrifying monster had to be close. I had to move!

Then the truth hit me and I would have gasped if I could get my mouth working. I was flying. More accurately, I was falling horizontally. That shock finally startled some brain activity and I checked my status.

How am I even alive?

My health was below 5%, bouncing up and down between 3% and 6%. A little icon of my body had appeared next to my health bar showing every part of me a sinister red color. My Tesla Coil bracelet showed 0% charge, even though I’d just over-filled it from all the boars.

I instantly triggered a full health potion from my hotlist and the rush of warm healing energy eased some of my aches. The little person icon changed from red to orange around my head and torso.

A moment later, my vision sharpened and I focused on that distant object. It was Bristleback’s mountain, looking small in the distance, dwarfed by the other towering peaks. I couldn’t move my head much yet, but it looked like I’d been blasted at least a couple miles across the plain.

I triggered Sight of the Explorer, zooming in on the distant mountain. And there was Bristleback, staring after one, one hand shielding his eyes like a golfer watching a great tee shot.

I don’t know if he sensed me looking, but he lifted his other hand and made the same obscene gesture the other hog-taur had made.

“Fridge off,” I muttered, my raspy voice barely a hint of a whisper. Spiritual leaders were supposed to show restraint, or something, weren’t they?

My Roman shield was gone, although one leather strap still clung to my right arm, which was obviously broken in several places. It flopped in the wind as I hurtled through the air. My Earth armor was gone too, and my leather jacket was shredded. Half my chest was a gory mess, with bits of bone sticking through.

As my torn and broken body began mending, I pieced together what must have happened. Bristleback had scored a home run. That guy had played me like a record.

First his arrow tethered me and neutralized most of my abilities. He’d shattered my defenses, destroying my shield, earth armor, and Energy Ward before reaching my body. The impact had splintered most of my bones and launched me like a cannonball off the mountain.

Even with all the energy in my Tesla Coil bracelet and the full regeneration potion I’d just taken before Bristleback hit me, I still nearly died. I bet only my tougher tier-1 body and faster regeneration had tipped the scales in my favor. Anyone else would have probably exploded like a melon hit by a truck.

I took a second healing potion, but that triggered a message I’d never seen before. “Warning. You have taken too many potions too quickly. Consuming another potion before the cooldown expires will result in toxic side-effects.”

There was a potion cooldown? Why hadn’t I heard about that before? I’d never needed back-to-back healing potions. I’d nearly triggered 2 potions just now. If I had, it might have killed me.

That would have been an idiotic way to finish myself off. Then I realized landing would kill me anyway. No way I could survive crashing to the ground moving so fast. My head and neck were healed enough that I could see and I managed to twist around enough to scan for the ground.

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“Bravestone!” It was rushing up toward me way too fast.

I cast scroll of Slow Fall and my stomach lurched as I decelerated. I groaned as my many still-broken bones protested the change of speed with stabs of pure agony. That was still better than splatting into the ground going 100 miles per hour. As I slowed to a stately hover and started to descend, I had time to look around more and take stock of where I’d ended up.

Bristleback had hit me out of the park at least a couple miles across the northern edge of the central valley. In fact, I wasn’t too far from the shores of the lake. The surface was calm, the waters a deep blue. To the south, the rocky spires of Stepstone rose above the grasses.

If Bristleback had more of a slice in his swing, he might have hit me all the way to town. My bloody, mostly dead body landing by town hall would definitely have freaked Tomas out. Might have gotten another hug from Ruby, though.

I fought down a chuckle at the thought. I couldn’t risk shaking my broken ribs. The thought of Ruby eased some of my lingering fear and I found a bit of humor in my near-death experience.

I could only imagine how bizarre I must have looked, my broken body with my shredded clothing shooting across the central grassland like a bloody meteor. Then I suddenly slowed and descended like a tiny hovercraft.

Within seconds, I settled to the grasses. The landing went better than I had hoped, a graceful, slow descent that would have looked awesome if I wasn’t still a pile of bloody mush. I bit back another scream as my full weight settled gently onto the grass.

It would be just my luck if a nearby monster saw me land and decided to come over for a snack. I decided to lay still and pretend I was already dead and rotten and not worth their time. Not like I could do anything else.

Thankfully, nothing came to eat me as my health slowly ticked back up. The last healing potion had broken the stalemate and my health points steadily climbed.

The flashes of pain from magical resetting of one bone after another provided me with endless entertainment as the slow minutes dragged by. Luckily, my tier-1 regeneration, boosted another 20% by Wolf Blood, could take care of even that level of trauma, given enough time.

I had a bunch of notifications waiting, so I scanned them to take my mind of the painful healing process.

“Congratulations, Lucas! You used your unique hover bike’s offensive ability for the first time and destroyed a higher-level target with a single shot. You receive a gold Womp Rat loot box.”

“Congratulations, Lucas! For reversing the effects of a large group attack that should have killed you, you receive a gold Solo loot box.”

“Congratulations, Lucas! You have destroyed every unevolved boar from the Peakstone herd in less than 5 minutes. You receive a silver Buffalo Bill loot box.”

“Congratulations, Lucas! You have discovered a hidden sacred boss. Not even nearly impassable mountains can block your creative drive to find the most unique way to die. You receive a gold Cortez loot box.”

“Congratulations, Lucas! You survived a critical strike from a legendary boss more than 30 levels higher than yourself. You receive a platinum Plot Armor loot box.”

That was a lot more achievements than I had expected. The Womp Rat loot box contained a pair of goggles with shaded lenses.

“Common Goggles of Sharpshooting. Protection from magical attacks against the eyes. Targeting interface.”

“Yes,” I breathed as I examined the goggles, then spit up bloody phlegm. The movement made my still-broken ribs stab me with a fresh wave of agony.

I really wanted to try them on, but my hands still didn’t work, and I only had one good eye. Patience. Hopefully the targeting interface would be cool.

From the Solo loot box I got an amulet on a simple silver chain. It was about the size of a thick quarter, with the image of a shield on the face.

“Common Amulet of the Rebound. 10% of magical damage received is reflected back against the attacker.”

I wish I’d had that 10 minutes ago.

The Buffalo Bill loot box contained a scroll to repair and recharge one of the zombie energy rifles, while the Cortez loot box contained a single scroll.

“Scroll of Time Out. Forcibly eject one enemy combatant from a fight you are engaged in. Randomly teleports them up to 1 mile.”

That would be useful if I was about to be overwhelmed again. I’d prefer a one-shot kill potion, or something to help me win a fight, but forcing a monster to leave could save my life.

The Plot Armor loot box held the best loot, as expected. I randomly got 5 tier-3 mana crystals and 3 full regeneration potions, plus 2 much better items.

“Lucky Stiff scroll. Plus 5 to Luck. Plus 5 to CHA.”

“Crash Test Dummy armored jacket. Rare This flexible leather jacket provides upgraded defense against most forms of physical attack and significant defense against impact and blunt force damage by spreading impacts throughout the torso. Impervious to damage when behind a wheel. Self repair over time.”

I sighed with relief. Timing for that one was perfect. My other jacket was shredded. I might be able to get the armorer in town to repair it, but it would probably need enough replacement leather that creating a brand new jacket would be easier. Getting a jacket with self repair was awesome.

That bit about immune to damage when behind the wheel was something I’d have to ask Cyrus about when I could talk better. Was it just a joke since there were no cars on this world? I doubted I could convince him riding Switchblade counted as behind a wheel.

Still, that was a better haul than I probably deserved for getting myself mostly killed. I scanned the loot from the boars and the first hog-taur. Most was low-value stuff like meat, hides, tusks, mana crystals, and potions. I did get one interesting scroll.

“Scroll of Evolution. Upgrades a random equipped item to the next tier.”

I would read that once I could stand and replace my wrecked jacket with my new one. As I scanned my inventory, I groaned and would have slapped myself if my arms didn’t hurt so much.

“Idiot. I should have used Phase Walk!”

Bristleback’s attacks might have also dealt direct spiritual damage, but I doubt it would have been nearly as much. I might have escaped without getting blasted almost to atoms.

In my defense, I had been getting shocked by enough lightning to power a small city. My thoughts hadn’t been working too well. I was lucky I’d managed to do as much as I had.

I lay on the soft grass, panting from the arduous self-healing process, until I started feeling almost myself again. My potion cooldown was just about expired, but my natural regeneration was doing great work. My health points were still barely half, but my body felt whole, if sore.

I sat up with a groan and looked across the grasses of the plain toward the distant mountain. That had been one of my stupider ideas. I needed to fight stronger monsters, but a level 50 boar-taur mystic boss was clearly still out of my league. Bristleback had one-shotted me and ended the fight almost before it began.