On a quiet, white stone cobbled road sits a tavern. Not a remarkable tavern, at least not to the untrained eye, but a tavern that is, in fact, completely unremarkable; it has no affectation, ambiance, or aesthetic particular to it, but rather an incredible lack of anything distinguishing, good or bad. It exists, perhaps, not as the ideal tavern, but the ideal meeting place for those who want a drink while they meet. With nothing noteworthy to comment on, people could instead bring focus to their own doings, and not bore everyone with idle prattle about how comfy the chairs are, how slow the service is, how flammable the decor might be, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

The tavern has no name, nor does the road. Neither is something that can be found, only placed in, and therefore no one need be able to identify either. Indeed, the whole setup lies surrounded on all sides by horrible nothingness. The kind of nothingness which, when experienced, might grant one the peace of mind that insanity brings.

Naturally, such a tavern wouldn’t need a road to be alongside, but it’s nice to have something out onto which to throw unruly drunks.

It is in this tavern we find our adventurers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kevin, having mercilessly murdered his ale, slammed the cup down on the table. “Bartender! I’ll have another!” he called. Topher, Jenn and Alice all finished theirs and made similar calls.

The bartender, conveniently named Bart Ender, nodded and set about his work. It wouldn’t take long, for they were the only ones in the seating area.

“So why are we here again?” asked Jenn. “Not that I’m complaining, assuming someone else is getting the tab.” She looked pointedly at Jack, who was sitting on a windowsill, tuning his lute.

He waved his hand. “Oh, everything’s taken care of, tab-wise. And I think they have a full stock of everything from the real world, so y’all go nuts.”

This made for an immediate frenzy as the four of them tore their way to the bar to change orders.

“You know what? I’m fine if there’s no other reason for us to be here,” said Topher, returning with a chilled plum wine. “Story-wise, we could use a fucking break. Sorry, Alice was it? We haven’t met in canon. Could you pass the beer nuts?”

Alice cut a sip of amaretto sour short. “Oh, sure. Hi, everyone. I’m Alice. It’s nice to meet you all.”

“Thanks, Alice. Welcome to Wonderland,” said Topher. “You’ve been stuck with Jack, right? We’re very sorry. He’s an acquired taste. You’ll get used to him.”

Alice eyed the half-orc. “You’re Topher, right? I don’t think I’m going to like you very much.”

Topher grinned. “Well, it’s about time someone didn’t.”

Kevin smiled into his scotch and leaned to Jenn. “If this devolves into a love triangle, I’m quitting and going solo.”

Jenn shook her head. “Really? You’d turn down the opportunity to smirk at your friends’ craziness?”

“Hey, craziness I can handle. I can only do so much with awkwardness. What about you?”

Jenn didn’t respond, as she was too busy negotiating the cherry out of her aviation.

Striking a chord and finding it correct, Jack addressed the room. “All right, people, now for the reason we’re here. If we’re done getting drinks—“

There was another frenzy for the bar. Jack waited quietly before continuing.

“—done getting drinks for the moment, I’ve got a song for you. Though, fair’s fair…” he looked at the bartender and ordered another rye and ginger.

“A song?” Topher snorted. “Why would you bring us here for a song?”

“What kind of song?” asked Kevin.

“It’s just a recap of the adventure so far,” explained Jack. “You know, it’s been a while since new chapters started coming out, and things have been getting kind of serious, so the author wanted something light as a palate cleanser and to remind people of the story.”

“The author? Don’t get me started on that hack,” grumbled Topher. “Guy’s barely able to write a concise sentence. He skimps on description, does nothing to characterize poor Jenn, spends way too much time in Jack’s head, and worst of all, he’s completely unable to convey my sheer awesomeness.”

“Easy, man,” said Kevin. “Without the author, the story wouldn’t get told.”

“Even with the author, this story is barely told,” scoffed Topher. “How long was that hiatus? And shouldn’t he have done a recap before new chapters started coming out? Of all the—“

It was at that moment Topher realized he had lost three inches of girth from somewhere unmentionable.

“Joke's on you,” said Topher to the air. “You’ve just done the ladies of this world a huge favor.”

…he said, before immediately realizing it was actually six inches.

“Huh. Well, shit.” Topher set his wine down and switched to water, kidney stones suddenly becoming a much larger problem.

“For the record, I’m fine with how I’m characterized,” said Jenn. “At least in that it’s usually through Jack’s point of view, and he can be pretty dense.”

“I’ll say,” muttered Alice.

Jack tapped on his lute in an effort to thicken his patience. “If everyone’s ready,” he said.

All were silent, none were pleased. Undeterred, Jack’s fingers brought the music to life.

One night some friends all went to bed

To greet the day anew,

But when they woke they found instead

Old books and dark in lieu!

Their gaming stats were in each tome

’Twas just like D&D

Of course our heroes felt at home

For they were nerds, you see

“Boo!” yelled Kevin through cupped hands. “Write your own music! Don’t steal from Gilligan’s Island!”

Topher laughed. “You know, he might as well. No one will sue him in this world. I’m more concerned with him using ‘instead’ and ‘in lieu’ in the same sentence. That’s just sloppy.”

“And don’t think we missed that ’Twas’,” said Jenn, smiling. “But, at least he understands what a ballad is.”

Alice whispered to Jenn, “Is Jack always this cute when he sings?”

“No, sweetie.” Jenn patted her knee. “Ask him to sing Welcome to the Jungle sometime.”

Their characters were made with care

And Jack just signed his name

When Jenn appeared as from thin air

A future cleric dame!

And so a party thus was formed

With fighter, rogue and bard

Into Dungeonia they stormed

And started rocking hard!

Topher was a half-orc dude

And Kevin was an elf

And special talents were imbued

But Jack was just himself

“‘Just himself’, huh?” murmured Jenn. “I think that’s where most of his problems stem from.”

Topher leaned back and chortled. “Didn’t realize Jack could use magic before coming here. And whose fault is it that he’s just himself? I mean, who chooses human in this kind of situation?”

“‘This kind of situation’?” Alice rolled her eyes. “Like this happens all the time.”

“Hey, just because you don’t read cool books….”

The town was middle ages like

Conveniences were none

And running down along the pike

Was mother without son

They wondered if her tale was true

But Jenn just charged ahead

So Jack ran on because he knew

Without him she’d be dead

“Oh yeah, we never did really discuss my motivation there…” Jenn thought aloud. “And screw you! I’d have been just fine. I’ll admit we probably couldn’t have saved the baby without you, though.”

Kevin put up a finger. “Quiet, he’s getting to that part.”

A cult had grabbed the babe, oh dear!

They had him under a knife!

But Jack was cool, and with no fear

He saved that kiddo’s life!

They took the baby into light

But someone else was there;

A pixie meaner than a blight

Proposed a deal fair

The fey would take the baby, then

Would grant a wondrous boon

But Jack was wise unto their ken

And in two had it hewn

Topher laughed. “Wow. Plagiarism and revisionist history? Someone’s trying to get a Pulitzer. And was that the proper use of ken?”

“Jack didn’t mention how little we felt when we killed those cultists….” said Kevin.

“I don’t think he realized the significance at the time,” said Jenn. “Dense, remember?”

Alice looked to the others. “Did Jack really save a baby?”

Jenn nodded. “We think so, though we still don’t know what those cultists were trying to do.”

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

Then to a grateful mother thus

The child was returned

And also, as a little plus,

A magic bow was earned

But questions of the father led

To further questions grim

With noblest of intents they said,

“We’ll find Brance Deralin!”

So back in town they bid good night

After a drinking game

But they were startled with a fright;

The city was aflame!

The locals rang a bell which got

Authorities involved

But that’s when things all went to pot

And nothing got resolved

A woman with a captain’s star

Had set her eyes on Jack

So, running from the abattoir

They vowed to ne’er go back

“Glossed over a few things there,” said Kevin.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Captain Minerva was peeking around the corner, transfixed on Jack. Hogges was inexplicably with her.

“You know, Captain,” he said. “This smacks of desperation.”

“Quiet, Hogges. I’m trying to hear the music.”

He sighed. “Captain, I think your problem is you need to get laid. Just walk up to that bard and jump his bones. Do everyone a favor.”

For some reason, a beer floated into Hogges’s hand at the suggestion. He knew better than to question it. Some pixies snickered invisibly.

Then on the road an ambush set

By goblins lain in wait,

Was thwarted by a bigger threat;

Let’s call him Jack the Great

“Oh dear. Jack’s in a good mood. By the way…” Kevin looked at Jenn. “I’m, like, ninety percent sure he’s bipolar. Lesser Restoration cures disease, but does it cure mental disease?”

Jenn shook her head. “No, but you know what? It does cure cancer. I think that actually becomes a plot point later.”

“No spoilers,” growled Topher. “This is recap time.”

The goblins dead, they made their way

Into another town,

But Topher volunteered to stay,

And lo—a goblin found!

His name was Yik, he came up top

For there were dire needs.

His kinsmen he was forced to stop

Through action or through pleas.

The party volunteered to help

Though wisely Jack said no

But others were all like, “Yeah, welp,

We say you have to go.”

“Love how he mixes old style stuff with modern,” said Topher.

Jenn smiled. “Right? I mean, ‘lo’ and ‘welp’ in the same song? Fearless.”

“Oh, hush,” said Alice. “He’s having fun.”

“Too much fun,” said Kevin. “He’ll likely come down soon. Anyone else notice he hasn’t let go of that goblin discussion?”

Then through the woods the party found

Some goblins, rather rash

But sadly they could not back down

Because they were turned to ash!

The Captain lady burned them all

And held the group by sword

But Kevin was quite on the ball

And saved them from the horde

Topher clapped Kevin on the back. “Congrats, man! I had no idea you’d be the first to do anything useful! Besides Jack, of course.”

Kevin sighed. “Yeah? Wait for it…”

No sooner were they out of harm

When Kevin just went mad

And charging into undead arms

He found a crypt of bad

The others followed him inside

They had to save their boy

But Kevin wouldn’t be denied

He killed with untold joy

“Told you,” said Kevin. "Also, 'crypt of bad'?" He made a face.

Topher gave him a look. “You know, he’s not wrong in your depiction. You basically went crazy.”

“I’ll second that,” said Jenn. “Actually, you didn’t show any joy. You didn’t show any emotion; you just seemed really focused.”

“Oh, I can kind of be like that,” said Alice. “You get into a sort of…meditative trance and before you know it, like, twenty people are dead.”

The others stared at her.

She shrugged. “I’m just saying, it sounds perfectly natural.”

Each corpse was rising from its grave

In dozens, maybe more

But Jack discerned the trick and saved

The day, and more, for sure!

By turning off the purple flame

He snuffed the magic too

But fire spread from floor to frame

In solid stone, and through

So gathering up his fallen friends

Jack made his way outside

Without him they’d have met their ends

What a hero, bona fide!

Topher poked Kevin. “It was both Jack and you that carried me and Jenn out, right?”

“Yeah.” Kevin nodded. “Jack did have to shake me awake, though, so he’s not quite lying if you interpret ‘gathering’ the right way. I guess I’ll give him this one.”

The morning came the same again

But there was something amiss

It seemed their half-elf cleric, Jenn

Was glowing, and not from bliss!

But then she stopped, and thus they went

Back to the tavern warm

Alas, no peaceful time was spent

Before the brewing storm

“Oh, ‘but then she stopped,’ huh?” Jenn folded her arms. “Here I was, mortified I might’ve worried you.”

“How is Iamai doing?” asked Topher.

With significance, Jenn said, “God only knows.”

Some evil, awful, charming guys

Incited quite a roar

But Jack reflected each of their lies

And sent them out the door!

One of the evil dudes confessed

And shot a finger towards

A head of state, oblige noblesse

A lord among the lords

Kevin raised a finger. “I’ll admit, taking down that guy was probably the coolest thing Jack’s done. Of course, he needed my magic to do it.”

“Isn’t it ‘noblesse oblige’?” Alice thought aloud.

“It is,” said Jenn. “And I don’t think Jack quite understands what it means.”

Topher smiled. “But we’re not letting nonsense stop this ride, are we?”

A target set, for Colme they walked

To find the Consul’s head

And on the way they went and talked

To an asshole thoroughbred

They called him Heller, he had made

A party stacked with the rich

To Jack, the jerk agreed to pay

Scratch for a musical itch

“So he does know Heller!” said Minerva. “Doesn’t seem to like him, though. I’ll have to remember that ‘asshole thoroughbred’ line. That’s damn good.” She made a frustrated exhale. “Why is his music so…so…”

Hogges was deeper in his cups. “Seriously, just walk up and drag him off. I bet he doesn’t get any action; it’ll work out great for both of you.”

No party, Jack instead found trapped

Some slaves sold by the check

And then that jerkwad went and snapped

A collar around his neck

No need to fear, for Jack was fine

He played it all the cooler

He talked his way off that land mine

And walked up to the ruler

“Jack never mentioned he had a slave collar on,” said Kevin.

“Do you regret abandoning him?” asked Topher.

Kevin shook his head. “No, I stuck to the plan as we had it—run if discovered. Only exception was I couldn’t Message you while the bolts were flying.”

The Consul spoke with Jack and seemed

The worst villain by far

He trapped poor Jack in what he deemed

A test to morals jar

But then a kick-ass chick appeared

To the party she was hurled

So swift and strong and elven eared

And from the real world

Jenn smirked. “He seems to have a high opinion of you.”

“Maybe he’s not as dense as we think,” replied Alice.

The sitch was dire and rife with strife

But Jack knew what was best

He gave a glare and plunged his knife

Into the Consul’s chest

So Jack had made a brand new friend

Alice she was called

But Heller captured them to send

Into a dungeon stall

So now the two of them escape

The darkness side by side

What horrors will be in their fate?

What wonders will betide?

The answers can’t afford to wait

No, we won’t say “See ya,”

We’ll find it all within the great

NERDS IN DUN—GEO—NI—AAAA!

Jack held the last note while strumming the lute frantically, then brought all to an end.

There was a palpable silence.

“…Woo?” offered Topher.

“I’ll take it,” said Jack.

“I can’t help but notice,” said Kevin, “that you left out a few things.”

Jack shrugged. “Well, you know, not everything can make the cut, rhyming is hard, other things and reasons….”

“But you left out everything we’ve done since you were captured,” said Jenn. “Like Kryx and Linore, and how we’ve been trying very hard to find you and deal with you killing the Consul—who’s back alive, by the way—and the goblins, and the circus, and so many other things!”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Jack was nodding. “In my defense, most of those things don’t directly deal with me, and therefore I find them tremendously boring.”

“Back on Kryx and Linore…” Kevin was looking around. “I’d have thought they’d be around. Their commentary would’ve been interesting.”

“Eh, it’s not like Minerva’s been adding much,” grumbled Jenn. She turned toward the kitchen. “Yes, we can see you there! You’re not fooling anyone!”

Minerva dove back behind the wall. “Damn it, Hogges, your drunken rambling gave me away!”

Hogges was passed out.

“Kryx and Linore? The teens? They’re here.” Jack pointed a finger to the ceiling. “They’ve been upstairs this whole time. Pretty sure they’ve been going at it nonstop; remember what it was like to have teenage hormones? Yeesh. More power to them, though. This whole thing is non-canon, so they might as well indulge.”

Topher leaned forward. “Wait, by ‘non-canon’ do you mean that nothing here actually matters?”

“Right. Not in the story, at least.”

Topher nodded thoughtfully. Then, standing up, he lunged for Jack’s throat. He got a pretty good hold on it, too.

“You freaking cock sneeze! You subject us to that song, that horrible song, and never change the music into the whole ‘With Gilligan!’ spiel? Do you know how monotonous that was? It’ll be stuck in my head for weeks! And why do you have such long, pointless inner monologues? You’ve got the insight and charm of a sideways colonoscopy! I call bullshit on your seventeen charisma. All you do is whine and feel sorry for yourself and be paranoid about stupid things you can’t control. You are the worst MC I’ve ever seen, and I’ve read Worm fanfiction! I’ll tell you what…”

Topher showed no signs of stopping. Jack, in a fashion befitting his current mania, was laughing hysterically.

Jenn looked at Kevin. “You want in on this?”

Kevin cracked his knuckles. “Fuck yeah, I do.” They both attacked Jack.

Alice, the shock having worn off, stood and tried to reason with them.

“Oh, sweetie,” said Jenn, punching Jack in the kidney, “trust me, you’ll regret not taking this opportunity now.”

Despite the advice, Alice decided to just sit down and let things play out.

“Stop. Now.”

The group did so, turning to see Minerva standing in the bar area.

“Let him go,” she commanded.

The group backed off. Minerva strode purposefully up to the worse-for-wear Jack.

Jack looked up at her from the floor. “Hi, Minerva,” he wheezed.

She shifted her weight back and forth on her feet, unsurely. “Call me Kylie.”

He blinked. “Um, sure.” Jack gave a quick look to the others, who shrugged with all their ability. “Hello, Kylie.”

She tightened her lips. She leaned in. “Smile for me, Jack.”

It took a bit to change expressions, but Jack did so. He gave her a broad, careless grin.

She held up her hand. “Through skies of fire.”

A mote of fire bore into Jack’s face. He screamed.

Kylie turned around. “You have no idea how good that felt.” She left the others to their work.

It wasn’t long before Jack, Kevin, Topher and Jenn were thrown out onto the road next to nothingness. They all lay strewn about, breathing heavily. Alice and Kylie stayed inside and continued making use of the bar.

“Is Jack still alive?” asked Kevin.

Jack raised his arm and gave a thumbs up. “Plot armor, bitches.”

“I don’t think that applies to non-canon scenarios,” said Topher.

“Oh?” said Jack. “Why don’t you jump into the abyss and find out.”

Topher laughed. “Screw you. That was some good catharsis. Thanks for having such a punchable face, man.”

“No worries; it’s a prereq’ for being a bard.”

They were all quiet for a while. The nothingness hung in its nothing way before them.

“You know what?” Jenn said, finally. “You three are alright. I can’t think of anyone else I’d enjoy getting thrown out to an abyss with. Never would have guessed.”

Kevin smiled. “Well, at least you learned something, yeah?”

“I learned that Jack’s extra fat absorbs a lot of impact,” said Topher.

“I learned that Jack puts a lot of faith in his ‘littera scripta manet’ thing,” said Kevin. “Seriously, were you just trying to piss us off with that song?”

Jack harrumphed. “I learned that you have no appreciation for creative work. Makes me feel sorry for the author.”

“No,” whined Topher. “Don’t bring up the author. I can’t lose any more….”

“Suck it up. That song was a bitch to write, and it took a lot out of me. It gave me perspective on what a life of writing might do to someone. The author, like all creatives, probably measures success in the number of days he doesn’t want to kill himself. It’d be nice if anyone who appreciates his work would drop a line and tell him so. Say something nice, you know? Maybe if they’re feeling generous, they could leave a flattering review…”

“Boo!” yelled Kevin. “No shills! Topher, throw him in the abyss.”

Topher did so. It wasn’t all that bad.