“I know you think it’s a bad idea…“
“No, Topher - it’s a terrible idea.” I was surprised to find that I had the energy to be angry. “You realize this goblin—“
“Yik.”
“Don’t care. This goblin knew there were attacks on the surface and came up with a lie that would keep you from killing it.”
“Him.”
“Whatever. Think about what he’s saying - there’s a rogue faction in his city? Even if we take it on faith that it’s true, can we really accept that he’s on the side that doesn’t want to kill us all? Now, he’s clever, I’ll give him that - he’s set it up the perfect way. Either we let him go, supposedly to talk his friends down, or we go with him and walk right up to them showing no signs of aggression - easy pickings. What makes you think we can trust him?”
Topher shrugged, the dim light from our fire pit illuminating his nonchalant face. “I don’t know. Gut feeling, I guess. He introduced himself and was very well spoken and polite - somehow reminds me of a lost kid or puppy or something.”
“That’s what you’re basing this off of? He seems nice? Not the fact that he crawled out of the same hole the other ones did?”
I reflexively jerked away from a hand at my shoulder. “Jack, calm down,” said Kevin.
“I’m sorry.” My hands started to rise to my temples but stopped halfway, giving the impression I was about to strangle something. “But we all know it’s stupid to trust this thing, right?”
“I don’t think it’s stupid,” said Jenn.
“Then you don’t have all the information. Back me up on this, Kevin - Goblins breed fast, right? So fast they practically need to fight just to stop overpopulation.”
“You’re making assumptions about the campaign world….” muttered Kevin.
“It’s a pretty safe assumption. Now, if they’re not supposed to be attacking the surface and there isn’t some threat to their city that would keep these warriors from sneaking up here, then it’s safe to assume they’re biding their time, building their numbers for something, right?”
“If that’s true,” said Jenn, “then isn’t it better to have the goblins know that there are people up here who are open to settling things peacefully?” There was something brutally wholesome about her stare.
“More rope to hang us with,” I grumbled. “But seriously - they’re probably planning a massive attack in the future - these attacks are our chance to discover where the city is and destroy it before that ever happens. Put them down hard before they come en masse.”
“Jack!” Jenn said the one syllable with more indignation than I’d ever heard. “You’re saying they should all die because a few made bad choices?”
I looked away. “Why not? Countries are judged by their soldiers.”
The goblin, who’d been quietly propped against a tree to this point, finally spoke. “Sir Jack, would you please permit me to speak?”
“Don’t give me that fake politesse crap,” I shot at it.
It looked me right in the eyes. “I’ll help you kill them.”
I glowered over it, watching it shrink from my overwhelming presence. “You’ll what?”
“I can’t let them attack the surface,” it swore, practically spitting the words at the ground. “If they piss off enough of you, you’ll all start wondering where they came from. You’ll find my city and destroy it.” With a quivering lip, it looked back up at me. “I don’t want to hurt them, but I would have to anyway if they didn’t listen. And since you won’t let me talk to them, then… then…” it was on the verge of tears. “Then we’ll just skip that step and kill them. If it’s the only way I can save my city, I…”
“Whoa, easy, Yik.” Topher talked it down from hysterics. Its breathing was still a bit stuttered, though. “It’s fine.” He turned to me. “Look, you made Yik cry. You happy now?”
“No.” I glared at it. “You mean to say you’d have killed all the other goblins by yourself if you’d had to? You really expect me to believe that you even could?”
It steeled itself and looked back. “Probably not. I’d have collapsed the tunnels they were using to buy time before reporting back home.”
“So you don’t actually care if they attack the surface,” I said. “Just that it doesn’t get traced back to you. Is that right?”
There was a long silence. Seemed I’d asked a question everyone wanted to know. Finally, it said, “No. I don’t want anyone to die - not my people, not your people.”
“That’s easy to say.” My voice was quiet.
“Doesn’t make it untrue.”
God, I was tired. “You’re much more well spoken than your friends, spy.”
“Don’t change the subject,” warned Topher.
“It’s because I’m smarter than them,” it said, choking down its fear as it faced me. “I’m smart enough to know that war with you surfacers has never ended well for us - smart enough to know that the right to walk the surface without fear won’t be earned by blood. I do want to stop these goblins, yes - without killing them, if possible, as they are my people. But killing your people gains us nothing, and could cost us everything. At the very least, I can prevent the path they took from leading back to my city. At most, I can make sure no one has the need to find the path to begin with.”
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“Cut him some slack, Jack,” said Topher. “If it’s just him, his only options are talk or block. With us, he can add slaughter to the list. That’s fair, right Jack?”
Kevin looked at me. “Anything to add, Jack?”
I stared at the goblin for a while. “…Well, Jack?” said Jenn.
When people keep saying your name over and over, it means they think you’re crazy. “Doesn’t invalidate my point.” I shook my head. “I doubt he speaks for the whole city. Goblins use peacetime for shoring up numbers - they’re building up to something.” I glimpsed at each of their faces. Topher was slightly amused. Kevin was earnestly interested. Jenn was saddened. “I’m getting some sleep. Tell me what you vote in the morning. If you three want to help him, I’ll go along. Good night.”
“What if it’s a tie?” asked Kevin.
I smiled wearily. “I’ll cast Sleep on whoever disagrees with me and then we’ll vote again.”
“Gotcha. Good night, dude.”
“Wake me if you need me for watch.” I wandered to my bedroll, still laid out from the night before.
“You know my vote,” said Jenn to the others, and followed me. “Can we talk?” she asked quietly when she got close.
She didn’t seem angry or annoyed, perhaps just… concerned? It was hard to tell by the firelight. I was monstrously tired and not in the mood for talking - especially when I doubted she wanted to ask if she could spend the night with me.
But you never know. “Uh… sure, I guess.” I started doffing my armor. “What’s on your mind?”
She hesitated, like she was trying to find the words. Maybe she did want to spend the night. Finally, she asked, “How are you feeling?”
Horny. “Tired.”
“Just tired?”
And horny. “Yep.”
“All right…” she raised an eyebrow. “So why do you get angry when you’re tired?”
That caught me a bit off guard. I sat down and offered her a spot. “Not angry. Just…” I tilted my head from side to side. “Cranky, I guess?”
Her eyes didn’t leave mine for a second. “No, I think you’re angry. I think you’re usually angry, you just let it show when you’re tired.” She waited for my reaction, which was mostly annoyance.
“Maybe. Anything else?”
She took a beat. “…Can I confide in you?” She looked mildly distressed, so I gave her a go-ahead shrug instead of telling her to piss off. “I’m finding it really hard to keep it together.”
I blinked. She hadn’t shown any signs to date. “How do you mean?”
“It’s just…” she shook her head. “We’ve been here—” her hands waved to encompass all of Dungeonia “—for days, now. We have theories on how to get home, but we don’t honestly know anything.” Her hands balled to fists at her thighs. “And having magic was cool at first, but it’s been… kind of freaking me out. And the…” she gave a quick nod towards our captive as she thought of the word, “goblin we’ve got tied up? I can’t get over the fact that he’s actually there and not computer generated on a movie screen. Not to mention the dozen more that tried to kill us yesterday. Or those pixies we killed who tried to barter for a baby and are now probably watching us. Or those cultists that actually kidnapped the baby and tried to sacrifice it or something? Or that explosion that leveled a city block? Or that captain bitch that’s probably tracking us down to beat us for information we don’t know? Or the purple sky that’s going to end the world? Or… or…” she had been speaking faster and faster, but she finally sputtered out.
“Everything all right?” Kevin’s voice came from the other side of the camp.
“We’re fine,” I projected. He lingered on Jenn a bit before turning back to Topher. “I know what you’re doing,” I said, quietly. “You’re trying to seem vulnerable so I’ll step up and not let my problems show, is that right?”
Jenn’s face went from the verge of tears to a satisfied smile. “Not quite - you seem like the type who feels better when he’s protecting someone.” She nudged me in the shoulder. “Hoping to play on that.”
I snorted. “Like I can protect you.”
“…Can’t you?”
“Of course not!” I exploded. “How can I? I’ve got no idea what’s going on - how can I protect when I can’t plan? We’ve got so many things that might be unrelated problems, or they might be one big problem, or some might be red herrings, and I’m trying to figure this shit out, but nothing’s coming to me - I don’t know if I’m blind or just in the dark, but I feel so freaking useless and stupid!” The last word left my lips and died on the trees around us.
“You sure everything’s all right?” It was Kevin again.
“Yeah,” I said, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m just getting my ass beat by our cleric’s insight skill.”
“Umm, okay, then.”
My eyes opened to see Jenn smiling at Kevin. She turned to me. “Feel better now?” she asked.
“No. Saying a problem out loud doesn’t help it, you know.” I winced. “So I’m angry at my… well, impotence. Congratulations, you found me out. Can I go to sleep now? Or do you want to drag something else out of me?” I might have been bitter. “I don’t like being manipulated,” I added.
Jenn looked genuinely confused. “Why not?”
That question made me genuinely confused. “Does anybody?”
“You’re not okay with someone knowing you well enough to get you to open up?”
“What? Well, no, I…” I grasped to find the words. “It’s just… you’ve only known me for three days, right? And yet you’re getting me say stuff I wouldn’t tell anyone. Getting played like that makes me feel… like a tool, or something. Like I’m simple. A person should be more complicated than that, but if I’m not that complicated then maybe I’m not a person and oh my god how do you keep doing that?”
When I looked back up I expected to see her grinning in triumph. Mercifully, she just had an thin, understanding half-smile. She put a hand on my knee, which made my multitudes of base instincts gasp delightedly. “I think, deep down, you want to tell someone this stuff,” she said, “but you don’t really trust anyone enough.”
Should I take her hand? Hold it reassuringly? Was she sending me a signal? Probably not. “I trust plenty,” I grumbled.
She smiled gently, removing her hand. “Not really. You obviously feel like you need to protect us - and we’re grateful for all that you do - but sometimes it seems like you don’t trust us enough to even protect ourselves. You make it seem like you’re the only one who can.”
I was silent for a while.
“I’ll let you get some sleep.” She started to head back, but stopped. “And, one last thing?” I looked up at her. “I… wasn’t lying when I said all that stuff that was bothering me. I mean, I understand there’s not much I can do about it right now, so I’m not letting it drive me crazy but… it still keeps me up at night a bit, you know? So, it’s not like I was outright lying to you just to get you to talk, okay?” She looked down. “I want you to understand that.”
I nodded. “It’s fine.”
She looked back up. “How about we be each other’s sounding board for our problems?” she asked with a slight chuckle.
“Cool,” I said. She smiled and started towards to the others. “Jenn?”
She turned back.
“I really enjoyed our talk.” God, I sounded like such a dweeb just then.
“Me too. Good night.”
I got inside my bedroll. Idiot. Like I really had a chance to sleep with her. Girls don’t want guys with trust issues, anger issues and self-image issues. Girls don’t want someone who’s a project. Who’s high maintenance. Who’s an idiot. How could I even think I was smart enough to hide the crap inside me? Or delude myself into thinking it wasn’t there? Never mind my unappealing body.
And I saw the way she smiled at Kevin. I doubt Topher really knew what he was talking about when he said she was too tall for him. Yeah, Kevin and her make more sense than her and me. He’s thin, and doesn’t have a host of problems - at least none that show. He’s got it more together than I do. That’s what she needs - someone who can keep the craziness of this situation under control. He doesn’t make her spend time out of her day for reassuring insight checks.
I rolled over, failing to shut down these thoughts as I waited for the saving grace of dreamless sleep.
Still, it was kind of nice to have someone know these parts of me.
Though I was sure she had to hate what she knew.