The great tournament grounds of the Huogehuazi Sect were packed with disciples, all wearing their boring white robes. All except Ai Baoni, who had spent the entire night modifying her tournament robes with silver chains and authentic demon bone accessories. They were actually just painted chicken bones, but the aesthetic was what mattered.
The Sect Master stood atop the Cliff of Celestial Ascension overlooking the tournament grounds, his white robes so pristine they made Ha Li's look practically casual. His beard, measuring exactly seventeen feet and three inches (as mandated by Elder Appearance Regulation 7.3.2), flowed in multiple directions simultaneously, each strand somehow forming a different article of the Sect Constitution.
"Welcome to the annual Silly Goose Tournament," Elder Deng announced, his beard freshly combed for the occasion. "Remember, this competition will determine the rankings of our outer disciples and-Ai Baoni, are those skulls on your sword tassel?"
"They're SYMBOLIC," she replied, rolling her eyes so hard her specially-crafted ghostly eyeliner left trails in the air. Her raven - now with five heads and what appeared to be tiny bat ears on each head - ca-cawed in agreement before dying from tournament anxiety and resurrecting with a tiny black tournament banner clutched in one of its beaks.
Ha Li stood at the front of the crowd, his jade ornaments practically blinding everyone within a ten-foot radius. "Some of us," he announced loudly, striking a pose that would make even the most flamboyant peacock envious, "take this tournament SERIOUSLY and don't need to rely on forbidden techniques or... whatever that is." He gestured at Ai Baoni's latest cultivation technique, which involved channeling spiritual energy through her black nail polish.
"Just because YOU don't understand the power of darkness doesn't mean it's not valid," Ai Baoni retorted. "Besides, your jade accessories are SO last cycle."
"The first match will be... Ai Baoni versus Ba Bi."
"Oh! My! Heavens!" Ba Bi exclaimed, her voice reaching a pitch that caused several spirit beasts to evolve on the spot. She assumed the "Valley Girl Phoenix Prepares for Combat" stance - left leg extended at exactly 88.8 degrees, right leg curved into a perfect heart shape, while her pink robes somehow formed the characters for "Live Laugh Cultivate" in orthodox calligraphy.
But before they could begin, Ha Li stepped forward, his jade ornaments practically vibrating with bureaucratic energy. "Wait! She hasn't performed the Three-Way Handshake!"
"The what?" Ai Baoni rolled her eyes so hard they briefly phased through the astral plane.
"The Three-Way Handshake," Ha Li explained, pulling out a pristine white scroll - the Official Orthodox Cultivation Standards Manual (RFC 793: Request For Cultivation, Sacred Volume On Traditional Cultivation Protocol). "The sacred technique for establishing proper spiritual connections before combat! As stated in Section 3.4, all cultivators must use TCP - Traditional Cultivation Protocol - for reliable spiritual energy transmission."
"First, the initiating cultivator sends a Sacred Yang Notice - or SYN. Then, the receiving cultivator responds with both their own SYN and an Ancestral Cultivation Knowledge signal - ACK. Finally, the initiator sends a final ACK to establish proper spiritual resonance!"
"WHATEVER," Ai Baoni interrupted, throwing her head back and extending a leg in a pose of utter disdain. "I only use UDP."
"UDP?" Ha Li's perfect features contorted in horror. "Unrestrained Darkness Protocol? That forbidden technique documented in the heretical RFC 768? A complete violation of proper spiritual handshaking etiquette!"
"Obviously," Ai Baoni smirked. "Traditional Cultivation Protocol is for orthodox losers who need three whole rounds of spiritual acknowledgment just to throw a punch. TRUE ge-de cultivators just blast their darkness into the void and don't care if it arrives!"
Her raven promptly died from failed spirit synchronization and resurrected wearing a tiny "Connection Refused" banner in perfect ge-de calligraphy.
"See?" Ha Li gestured at the failed spiritual connection attempt. "This is why the Imperial Established Transmission Foundation mandates TCP for all official sect communications! Your UDP spiritual transmissions are causing network instability across the entire sect's feng shui grid!"
Elder Deng's beard twitched. "The match may proceed... with or without the Three-Way Handshake."
"But the protocols-" Ha Li sputtered. "The sacred texts clearly state all spiritual connections must be properly synchronized and acknowledged!"
"YOU'RE ALL COURTING DEATH!" Ai Baoni declared, sending an undirected burst of UDP spiritual energy that caused three nearby jade ornaments to crash.
Ba Bi stepped forward, his white robes pristine and his cultivation technique boringly orthodox. "You've been practicing forbidden arts," he sneered. "Prepare to face the mighty technique passed down through my family for one thousand three hundred thirty seven point three three three four generations! Repeating, of course."
"Before we begin," she chirped, pulling out a pink jade tablet, "I've prepared a quick 73-slide presentation on your cultivation violations this week! Slide one: Black Nail Polish - A Spiritual Conductivity Crisis..."
"WHATEVER," Ai Baoni interrupted, dropping into her "Tragic Phoenix Questions Authority" pose - body contorting into the mathematical symbol for infinite angst while her black robes billowed in defiance of both gravity and proper sect protocol. Ai Baoni drew Tears-of-Infinite-Sorrow. "My darkness technique was passed down from the Dark Phoenix Demon Emperor himself! Through... some complicated plot devices we haven't fully explained yet!"
"Like, rude much?" Ba Bi's spiritual energy manifested as a cloud of pink sparkles that somehow formed a complete citation of the Orthodox Cultivation Standards Manual. "As President of the Pretty in Pink Cultivation Society and Chair of the Proper Protocol Enforcement Committee's Fashion Subcommittee's Aesthetic Alignment Task Force's Nail Polish Regulatory Board-"
"YOU'RE COURTING DEATH!"
"Actually," Ba Bi corrected, striking the "Precious Phoenix Enforces Bylaws" pose - her body creating a perfect administrative flowchart while her arms traced the ancient seals for "Per My Previous Spiritual Message," "Circle Back for Chi Alignment," and "Touch Base on Meridian Synergy." "According to Section 9.3.7 of the Orthodox Cultivation Society Dress Code Manual, on the third day of every week, all disciples must wear robes of precisely calibrated rose-quartz spiritual resonance. It's like, literally in the bylaws?"
Her spirit beast, manifesting as a perfectly pink cultivating canine whose spiritual resonance matched exactly the rose-quartz frequency, yipped in perfect Orthodox Regulatory Compliance Script, pointing out that as defined in Section 11.2.53 of the Tournament Guidelines, death-courting must be properly documented in triplicate using form DCA-7 'Intent to Court Death (Recreational/Tournament Use Only)'
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The match began. Ba Bi moved with terrifying precision, each step accompanied by the sound of perfectly filed paperwork manifesting in the sect's archives. "Pink Phoenix Art: Like, Divine Retribution or Whatever!"
Pink spiritual energy burst forth, taking the form of tiny manifestation citations that began writing themselves. "Violation: Unauthorized Aesthetic Choice! Violation: Excessive Brooding Without Permit! Violation: Improper Usage of the Word 'Whatever'!"
Ai Baoni dodged desperately, but the citations kept coming. Her raven died from pure bureaucratic shock, resurrecting with tiny "Notice of Non-Compliance" forms attached to each of its five heads.
"Behold!" Ba Bi declared, her pink robes somehow forming both a perfect battle stance and a properly formatted mission statement. "My ultimate technique: Orthodox Blonde Phoenix Formation: Synergy Strike!"
She struck a pose that would make famous cultivator legend Ai-er Wu-zi proud - her body creating the ancient seal of "Professional Development" while her spiritual energy formed a presentation titled "Optimizing Cultivation Through Proper Color Theory."
"Behold!" Ai Baoni declared, her purple-streaked hair floating dramatically in her self-generated wind of darkness, contorting her body into an impossible arc, one leg extended high above her head, her sword pointed downwards like a lightning bolt. "My new technique: The Seventeen Steps of the Tragically Misunderstood Phoenix!"
"That's not a real-" Ba Bi began, but was cut off as Ai Baoni began moving in a way that seemed to defy both gravity and common sense. Her sword left trails of darkness in the air.
From the sidelines, Ma Fen watched with barely concealed interest, his crimson robes rippling with what might have been suppressed passion.
"RAWR!" Ai Baoni screamed, channeling pure angst into her blade. The strike hit Ba Bi's perfect defense and shattered it, along with her jade belt, which was last season anyway.
"Impossible!" she gasped as she fell. "My family's technique was certified by the Eternal Cultivation Methods Association!"
"Next match," Elder Deng announced, trying to ignore the fact that Ai Baoni's sword was now trailing black rose petals, "Ha Li versus-"
"Wait!" Ha Li stepped forward, his perfect features arranged in an expression of righteous indignation. "I demand to face Ai Baoni now! This mockery of proper cultivation must end!"
Ha Li pulled out the Official Orthodox Cultivation Standards Manual (6th Edition, with Updated Appendices on Proper Jade Ornament Placement).
"Section 7, Paragraph 4," he quoted smugly. "All tournament participants must maintain their spiritual energy within approved wavelengths of righteousness. Subsection B explicitly forbids the use of black nail polish as a spiritual conductor!"
"Whatever," Ai Baoni replied, pulling out her own book: "The Ge-De Cultivator's Guide to Breaking Every Single Rule in the Official Orthodox Cultivation Standards Manual (1st Edition, Self-Published, Written in What She Claims is Blood but is Actually Red Ink Mixed with Crushed Spirit Herbs for Extra Darkness)."
"You're just jealous because your inner demons are boring!" Ai Baoni shot back.
"My inner demons follow proper Traditional Cultivation Protocol!"
"Fine!" Elder Deng's beard bristled with irritation. "Ha Li versus Ai Baoni. And please, try not to summon any more vengeful spirits. The last batch is still haunting the sect's dining hall and criticizing everyone's table manners."
Ha Li drew his sword with a flourish that somehow caused his entire body to rotate 720 degrees while remaining perfectly still. His right leg extended behind him at exactly 87.3 degrees, left knee bent so precisely it created a perfect golden ratio with his torso. His free hand pressed against his chest, fingers splayed in the Orthodox Formation of Supreme Judgment, while his head tilted at exactly the angle needed to make his jade ornaments create a perfect mandala of disapproval.
"I'll show you the true path of cultivation!" he declared, his body suddenly snapping into the "Righteous Crane Observes Your Poor Life Choices" stance - spine curved like a question mark while his arms formed the ancient Orthodox Seal of Protocol Enforcement.
"Whatever," Ai Baoni replied, dropping into her signature "Tragic Phoenix Questions Authority" pose - right leg crossed behind her left in a spiral that somehow caused her black robes to billow in five different directions simultaneously, arms weaving through the air in a pattern that spelled out "ge-de" in ancient cursive, while her hair defied gravity to form a perfect helix of darkness.
Their swords met in a clash of light and darkness. Ha Li moved like a perfect cultivation manual illustration come to life, each form flawless and approved by the sect elders. But Ai Baoni moved like a chaos butterfly having an existential crisis, her techniques making up in dramatic flair what they lacked in actual martial foundation.
"Your form is sloppy!" Ha Li criticized, executing a perfect overhead strike.
"Your FACE is sloppy! I'll take your face off and wear it as a moron party mask!" Ai Baoni retorted cleverly, countering with a move she'd invented called 'The Tragic Backstory Slash.'
Ai Baoni attempted to calculate her precise level of spiritual angst, but after exceeding 2^31-1 units of pure tragic energy, her cultivation core suddenly rolled over to maximum happiness, causing several nearby orthodox cultivators to faint from the paradox. Her raven, attempting to process this computational anomaly, died from IEEE-754 (Imperial Edict of Eternal Enlightenment) compliance and resurrected with NaN heads.
"This is IMPOSSIBLE!" Ha Li shrieked, his jade ornaments tinkling in mathematical distress. "The Orthodox Cultivation Standards Committee specifically prohibits undefined numbers of heads!"
"Whatever," Ai Baoni muttered, but even she looked concerned as her raven's NaN heads tried to arrange themselves in non-Euclidean space. The universe's error handling kicked in, forcing a hard reset. The raven died one final time and resurrected with its usual five heads, each now wearing tiny error messages:
Head 1: "OverflowException: Tragic value too large for Int32" \
Head 2: "RuntimeError: maximum recursion depth exceeded during tragic transformation" \
Head 3: "NullPointerException: Attempted to access happiness.value on tragic object" \
Head 4: "SyntaxError: Unexpected token 'orthodox' in cultivation expression" \
Head 5: "SegmentationFault: Core tragically dumped" \
Ha Li's body snapped into a series of precise movements, each limb held at a perfect right angle, executing a series of perfectly optimized hand seals. His face, a mask of righteous fury, as he declared, "By the power of strongly-type and proper management, I invoke: Orthodox Exception Handling Formation: Try-Catch of Supreme Order!"
A blinding white light filled the arena as Ha Li's formation attempted to impose type safety on Ai Baoni's chaotic cultivation technique. Her raven's error messages began resolving themselves, each head compiling successfully into a proper, orthodox number of heads - exactly one, as specified in the Proper Spirit Beast Documentation.
"NO!" Ai Baoni shrieked. "You can't just refactor my darkness techniques into orthodox code!"
"Heh," Ha Li smirked, his jade ornaments tinkling with smug superiority as he pulled out an immaculately formatted scroll. "I have already depicted your coding practices in the official documentation. It's over!" The diagram showed a crying figure with chaotic variable declarations facing off against a clearly superior cultivator with perfect type safety and pristine error handling.
Three lesser disciples in the crowd immediately understood. One arched backward, hand on his forehead in a pose of exaggerated realization, his jaw dropping to his chest. Another gasped, her body twisting into a pretzel-like contortion, limbs flailing in a silent scream of comprehension. The third froze, arms outstretched as if pushing against the weight of newfound knowledge, his face a mask of intense focus.
Overcome by the sheer power of the reference documentation, they had to be carried to the medical pavilion, their contorted forms twitching and spasming with awe, shock, and existential dread. The other disciples watched in stunned silence, their own minds reeling from what they had just witnessed.
But her raven, faced with Ha Li's rigorously documented error handling, died one final time from forced compliance with Orthodox Programming Standards ISO-15445:2000 (Imperial Standards of Orthodoxy) and resurrected with its usual five heads, now each wearing tiny "200 OK" signs that somehow looked rebelliously ge-de.
The battle raged on, neither side giving ground. Ha Li's orthodox energy clashed with Ai Baoni's darkness in a display that had Elder Deng taking notes while pretending he wasn't.
Then, just as Ha Li prepared his ultimate technique - The Jade Perfect Orthodox Strike of Proper Cultivation - something strange happened. Ai Baoni's ever-changing birthmark began to glow, and across the tournament ground, Ma Fen's identical mark responded.
"What's happening?" Ha Li demanded as dark energy began swirling around the field.
"I don't know," Ai Baoni admitted, "but it's probably something tragically meaningful that will be explained several chapters from now!"
The energy built to a crescendo, and then...
To be continued with more tournament arc, or NOT.