That night, I slept in my old room that I haven’t seen in four years. It still looks the same as when I left. My old stereo is still here and the books I didn’t take with me are still left in my old bookshelf and my bedsheets remain the same. It was amazing, really, they didn’t change a single thing.

For some reason, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I went downstairs to get a glass of milk when I spotted Dad and Ida arm in arm on the couch together in the living room. “Erik, Erik, what do we do? If he, if something happens to Josh, my son, what would I-”

“Hush. Shh.” I saw dad take Ida in his arms as if he was hugging her. “It will be fine. Everything will be fine. It has to be fine. Don't worry, I'm still here." Ida continued to cry, so dad started humming this familiar song and slowly, but surely, she was starting to calm down. I didn’t know what happened after because I went back upstairs. On my way, I stopped by Josh’s room, which was right across mine. “It smells just like him.”

I miss him.

We never got along. We hated each other to the point where we could not stand being in the same room together. And yet, why do I miss him this much?

I sat on his bed and began to cry silently. This time, the tears just won’t stop. It hurts. I didn’t think it would hurt this much. “Diane?”

Dad saw me in Josh’s room, sitting on his bed. He looked worried, so he sat right next to me, “is something wrong?”

“Dad.” I muttered, struggling to find the right words to say next.” What would have happened if mom never left?”

“What?” he looked worried for a moment. “Honey, where is this coming from? You never wanted to talk about her since the divorce.”

“I just-” he was right. I never talked about it. I was just putting up a front, per se. Maybe that’s why Josh hated me so much, because he never pretended he was happy. I, on the other hand, was. I didn’t want to talk about it because then, it will be real that she’s really gone and hearing that humming song brought it all back. It was the song mom and dad sang to me before I went to sleep and I never heard that song again when mom left. I guess this is more than about Josh leaving. “Why did you ever stop singing that lullaby to me, dad?”

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“What?” I know dad doesn’t want to talk about it either and neither do I. But I need to know before things get anymore complicated. I need to know the real reason she left us all those years ago. “Diane, where is this coming from? You never-”

“I KNOW!” My patience lasted for about five more minutes and Dad seemed more surprised than I was. Because we never had this kind of conversation before. “You were hurt. I was too. You were not the only one who got hurt. But I know how painful it was for you, because I saw. I saw you crying in your room the night mom left. You never talked about it and you never cried in front of me. But we still went on with our life as if nothing happened., and that it not okay! Not anymore."

“Diane.”

I continued. “To be honest, Dad, that hurt the most. Because even though mom left. It feels like I lost you too. Because we used to talk more about everything.”

“Oh, honey.” He hugged me as a sign of understanding and regret while I silently cried in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

I slowly pulled away from him and asked the question I’ve always wanted to know for so long. “Dad. Why did mom leave?”

He signed. “I don’t know where to start. It wasn’t anything serious or anything like that. I know how much you love your mom. I guess that’s why I never told you. I didn’t want you to blame her for the pettiness that happened between the two of us and I know how much your mother loved you, too.”

I mumbled. “If she loved me, she wouldn’t have left.”

“Oh, honey.” Dad continued. “She didn’t leave because she stopped loving you. It was just us. It was always us. It’s like that between couples sometimes. I’m sure you’ve heard the story about your mother and I.”

“Yeah, you guys were high school sweethearts.”

“That’s right.” Dad went to his cupboard that was always locked away by the hallway near the stairs and I followed. He unlocked the door with an old bronze key. There, he took out a picture of him and mom when they were still in high school among the piles of piles of letters and pictures. “I loved your mother so much and at some point, I always believed we would be together forever. But I guess, it was just wishful thinking on my part. The truth of the matter was, some people just drifted apart.”