He walked away after that as if he was running away from something. That was actually the first and last time we had a proper conversation together. I mean, I know he hates me. But I didn’t expect it to be to this extent. Since that day, I have given him his wish. I never talked or approached him without a good reason. So just as he have always wanted, I disappeared from his life.
Dad married his mom a few months later and I kept my distance ever since. As soon as I graduated high school, I moved out for college in the east coast. I took a part time job to keep me busy and so I can focus studying college further away from him. I still talk over the phone with dad and his mom from time to time, but I never visited and before I know it, four years have passed.
As soon as I graduated, I begun job hunting for a digital marketing assistant. I have no idea how Josh has been since I left and I could only imagine that he’s in college now since he turned 19 last fall. I sent him postcards from time to time every year on his birthday, since that's my obligation as his older sister. However, that’s where our relationship ends.
On my way home from a job interview, I got a phone call from dad. It was raining and the thunder was almost deafening. I had a bad feeling about this day and I was right. He called about Josh, but he knows I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. That’s why I never asked him how he was or what he was up to. Dad knows how I feel about this, so hearing him talk about Josh made my blood boil. “Dad? If this is about Josh, I don’t wanna know. I I told you-”
“-JOSH IS MISSING, DIANE!” I was about to unlock my door when dad told me that one sentence, cutting me off. I was so shocked and disturbed that I dropped my keys. I ruffled my hair with my hand from the stress hearing dad talk. I didn’t know how to handle this situation. Something terrible must've happened. “HE’S MISSING!”
“What do you mean he’s missing?” I stumbled on my words for a second, asking all sorts of misguided questions. “Dad! He can’t be missing. He’s not a kid anymore. I mean, tell me, what exactly happened? what did you do?”
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“He was angry.” Dad began explaining Josh’s strange behavior a few weeks ago. Apparently, the reason why Josh took a gap year as soon as he graduated high school was because he was considering enlisting himself in the military, just like his father. No one knew he was making this kind of decision. Not even his own mother, Ida, knew about this. “Josh’s father was a military man; an ambitious, duty-driven man. He loves his job more than his family. Josh looks up to him like a hero and he died doing the job he loved.”
Dad looks heartbroken and I tried to comfort him in the best way I could, however, I don’t think it was enough. He mumbled. “I guess I wasn’t enough to replace him.”
I sighed. From what I understood, Ida found out about his plans to enlist when she was cleaning his room and scolded him for it, but unlike his usual self, he argued back in a way I could never imagine and in a fit of anger, he grabbed his backpack and took off on his bicycle since he didn’t have a car.
For the next few days, I spent all my free time with Dad and Ida since the police can’t do anything about Josh at the moment and spent my days off at their home. “Miss, for the last time, your son is 19 years old. He is of age. If it was his wish to enlist, we officially can not do anything. Even if you filed for a missing person’s report, there was nothing of the sort we could do since he's not technically missing."
Ida grabbed the policeman in his collar in her grief. “Then- then, how about as a runaway? Can I file him as a runaway?”
“Miss, I promise you, we will look into this matter and find your son." He shook his head. “So please do not call 911 again."
As soon as the police left, Dad took Ida back to their room so that she can take a breather and sleep the night off. Dad came back downstairs and saw me drinking hot cocoa while sitting on the couch. Dad smiled and sat right next to me. “Still prefer hot cocoa to coffee, huh?”
“Yup. It might be sweet. But I liked it that way.” I took a sit and placed it down on the coaster. “Hey, dad. Do you think things would be different if I never left?”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Dad hugged me as if to comfort me. He couldn’t answer, because no one really knew what the correct answer was. We know nothing of what was going on inside Josh's head and I guess we never will unless he comes back. Until then, this guilt will be hanging over me like a thread on a needle because back then, all I could ever think of was, I wanted to see him again.