July 1st, 2024
10:09 AM
I knew trying to help Bishop would be difficult, but I hadn’t expected for him to turn on me like that. The reason I got mad at him was because I couldn’t deny his barb. For as much as the others mock him behind his back, I know he’s not stupid. He’s a perceptive little bugger, and feeling his words dig into me like that really hurt.
Sitting alone on the couch in the living room just staring at the television, I can kind of see it from his point of view. Why he would prefer to stay inside. Personally, I would call it torture not having anyone to talk to, but I know Bishop has been struggling for a long time, and he’s obviously used to it by now.
I’m in an odd state of self-loathing and self-reflection. Something I’m decidedly not used to. Maybe he’s finally rubbing off on me. Imagine, the whole time I’m trying to rub off on him the opposite is what ends up happening. It’s all so… depressing.
“Now onto local news. The body of one Montey Webber has finally been found after nearly a month and a half of searching by his family. The mother of the deceased shared her frustrations in trying to find her son with the help of Seattle police. Evidently, the department was in no rush as the ongoing investigation regarding their involvement with local prostitution continues to gain momentum.”
Seattle is a fucking shithole, but I already knew that.
“Additionally, drug abuse and distribution seems to have skyrocketed over the last year, and when asked for comments, the chief of police refused to speak on the matter.”
I just hope he doesn’t do anything stupid. Some people go off on their own and never come back. I’m afraid for Bishop, but just a week ago I seriously thought it would have been better if he just killed himself. The thought makes me sick. That’s not a thought I ever want to have again. Sure, he’s annoying sometimes and doesn’t make it easy, but he doesn’t deserve that. Nobody does.
When his mother called my mother, and she called me, I thought it wasn’t so serious, but I’m starting to realize how dangerous this all is. I don’t know exactly what goes on inside his little head, but I know it isn’t pretty. Part of me wants to give up on Bishop, because I know he’s not going to let me in to help him, but part of me knows if I don’t try, it will follow me for as long as his self-loathing has followed him. Maybe longer.
When I spoke to his mother directly to tell her I couldn’t do anything for him last week, she told me he feels guilty. When I asked her to elaborate, all she said was that he used to have a friend, but that he doesn’t anymore. Something happened between them, and I was afraid to ask what. Ms. Browne just wanted me to promise I would try to be there for him.
I’m reluctant to keep it up, but I understand how she feels. Her son is suffering and likely facing suicidal thoughts. Nobody takes it seriously until it’s too late.
Clenching my fists, I get up to try again. Walking out of my unit I leave with a purpose. This time, I’m going to make him listen to me. Because I do care, even if he doesn’t.
***
July 1st, 2024
10:11 AM
Fuck!
Either the god damn desk is heavier than when I first brought it up, or I’m weaker. Of course nobody offers to help me as I slowly make my way down to the side of the building where I leave it to find its next victim. Not that I would take them up on the offer…
Once I’m back in my room, it feels much bigger without the desk taking up nearly half the space. I’m not claustrophobic but if I had to choose between a small room and a big one, I’d go with the small room. They just feel more cozy.
Either way, all I’ve got left to do is finish packing my stuff in the rucksack and call the Uber. Last night I made for the showers and finally broke one of my longest streaks. I’m not proud or anything, but I don’t really know how I’m going to wash up once I’m out there. I guess I’d just jump into the lake and shake around a bit? Sounds like a good way to get parasites, but those waters looked very clean from what I saw online.
The worst things out there are probably wolves or cougars. That’s what really has me worried more than anything, but I can’t bring a gun. I never bothered with those things. I’m sure I wouldn’t have to elaborate as to why someone like me would be dumb to even consider it. Still, none of that is enough to deter me. I’d rather take my chances out there than stay in my room any longer with ruminating thoughts pushing me over the edge.
I need to get away… at least for a while.
Hauling the rucksack over my shoulders, I find it very comfortable to carry behind me. My hiking shoes are a perfect fit. My jacket and jeans are freshly washed, and my hair isn’t matted for once. It’s time to go. Grabbing my keys I lock the door behind me for the last time and make my way to the main office to drop them off.
The guy in the reception looks me over and asks, “Plannin’ on going somewhere, son?”
I nod before giving him the keys and going on my way. I’m not looking to get into a conversation with anyone from around here. Maybe the Uber driver will strike up a conversation with a controversial topic. I’d honestly love to talk shit about the law and how it practically bends men over and goes to town without lube, but first I need to call him.
***
July 1st, 2024
10:22 AM
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
“Bishop Browne you open this door right now! I’m not leaving this time!”
Several moments pass and he doesn’t make a sound. A few knocks later and still nothing. I’m trying really hard to hear something from the other side, but it doesn’t seem like he’s even in right now.
Actually, now that I think about it I’ve seen him a few times last week and he did seem to be up to something… but what? He doesn’t leave his room unless he has to. What’s going on with Bishop lately?
It’s been nearly ten minutes, and still I haven’t heard anything, so I begrudgingly start leaving once more. The funny thing is, I don’t even know exactly what I’m going to tell him when I see him, only that I have to say something. He’s going to try to hurt my feelings again, I know, but that’s just his way of trying to push everyone away.
Well too bad. I’m not going to let him push me away anymore. That’s over and done with. I’m not going to let him lose himself like this any longer. I’ll drag his skinny butt to the movies if I have to. I know he’s a full-on introvert, so I won’t force him to interact with other people, but he needs to start somewhere.
My plan was to come back and try again later, but it turns out I don’t have to. The sight of what could honestly be mistaken for a middle-schooler with baggage taller than his head slung behind his back meets me just outside. Bishop is standing near the side of the parking lot on campus, and it seems like he’s waiting for something.
Huh? I don’t get it. Before I can comprehend more I find myself walking towards the little bastard. What the hell’s he up to?
***
July 1st, 2024
10:37 AM
After putting up my request it’s all just a matter of waiting at the pick-up spot in front of campus. I’m so close to leaving I actually feel relieved. I’ve got everything checked off my list plus a few extra things I thought of last minute, like purification tablets. Once I get to North Bend, I’ll see if I can’t figure anything else out before I commit. The trip to the small town will put me below 50 bucks, but that’s okay.
Looking off to my right I see the campus, and the thought that I could have applied myself and gotten somewhere in life makes me a little regretful. I’ve heard people going to college for the first time have all sorts of stories to share about how it was simultaneously bad and awesome, but I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to get out there… I know I could have done better, but I just didn’t have it in me to care.
The truth is, I’ve been lost for years now. Ever since… I lost a certain someone. I wish with all of my cold, shrivelled heart that we could have gone camping together like that one time we did as kids. Just shoot the shit and make new memories. But we can’t. Because he’s gone, and he’s not coming back.
Maybe it’s my turn to go now, too. I don’t know what’ll happen, but I think everything is going to be okay. Perhaps this is for the best, and I’ve only been putting it off all this time. The idea of doing this was surprisingly natural to me. Like I had always wanted to do this, but just didn’t have the drive for it yet.
The last talk I had with the folks made me come to terms with the fact that I truly am alone. Nobody is going to come save me. Not that I would even let them. It’s too late for that now. So when I turn to my left, I can’t help but cringe into myself. What the fuck is she doing here?
I try to pretend like I didn’t just see Cordelia Mason, but she comes walking up to me anyway. Yeah. Everything was going a little too perfect, so I guess this was bound to happen.
“Bishop? Where are you going? What’s with the backpack?” she asks.
All I have to do is ignore her until my driver gets here and I leave. Not too difficult.
“Bishop. Talk to me, please?” she pleads, but I don’t move a muscle. “You’re scaring me. What’s going on with you lately? What are you planning on doing?”
I look at my cellphone and see the time. 10:42 AM. The driver won’t be here for at least a few more minutes, so she’s got plenty of time to be a thorn in my side.
“If you don’t talk to me I’m going to call your parents.” she warns me now, like I’m some fucking kid being bad.
“Go ahead. I don’t give a fuck.” I snarl at her. She’s taken aback and flinches but refuses to leave. “Bishop this isn’t funny! Tell me what the fuck is going on with you!”
The look on her face makes me wonder how she’ll get wrinkles once she’s older. Cordelia is going to age like milk if she keeps that up. “What do you care? Just go away already and leave me the fuck alone.”
“Of course I care! I know you’re struggling, and I’m sorry about last week, but if you’d just let me I know I can help you!”
“I don’t want your fucking help! Leave me alone already you fucking bitch!”
Even I’m a little surprised by my outburst, but Cordelia looks to be at the brink of crying. She refuses to quit even when I tell her plainly that she’s wasting her time. How else can I put it? She has only herself to blame. I’m not in the mood to let her stroke her own ego at my expense.
Taking out her cellphone through shaky fingers, Cordelia begins dialling a number. I look away. Nothing is going to stop me from leaving this place and the mere idea of dealing with how other people feel is only pushing me onward. Cordelia doesn’t actually care about me. Even told me to kill myself for pointing it out. She had no problem getting her friend group to jab at me the other day, and now she says she’s changed her mind? Spare me.
Cars keep passing by and I hope one of them is my Uber, but no such luck. I’m still stuck here a little longer from the looks of things. To make matters worse, as if Cordelia wasn’t bad enough a few members of her posse come to check us out after my outburst, and I start to feel cornered once more. I don’t go looking for attention, but it tends to find me at the worst moments anyway.
“Bishop… please, just listen to me, okay?” Cordelia sobs, trying to get me to look her way.
I don’t.
“Whatever you’re planning on doing, think about it. You’re not alone, you’ve got me. I know you hate me, and maybe I deserve it a little, but I know however bad I feel you’re suffering, too…”
I almost look her way, but I manage to stop myself. I don’t like hearing her say that. It doesn’t feel genuine… Or maybe I don’t want to accept it as genuine. Either way, I guess calling my folks was just a bluff. I’m so stupid for even entertaining the notion that she’s being real with me. Why can’t she just leave me alone?
“If you’re going to hurt yourself, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I’m begging you to reconsider this. There’s still a chance for you to get better and live a good life. You don’t have to hurt like this, and I can help you work through-“ Cordelia tries to tell me once more, but someone speaks up behind her.
“What’s this? Did the little asshole come out of his cave again?” the snarky voice of a guy butts in. I can tell he didn’t like Cordelia talking to me like that, because he possessively puts an arm around her shoulder. Cordelia looks surprised as she tries to get him off, but he stays like that long enough for me to catch a glimpse of his smirk.
“Get off me, Andrew!” she tells him, but the crowd behind has gotten closer and now they’re clearly trying to make her reconsider what she’s saying.
I hear little whispers from them to her, mostly about how it’s best to just forget about me, and how I’m a lost cause and all that. I hope they can get her to leave despite the fact that they’re a bunch of subhuman scum. Fortunately, I don’t have to put up with the pressure any longer because I see a car park in front of the sidewalk. My ride has arrived.
I make to get in, but Cordelia manages to shake them off and makes a grab for my shoulder, her final gambit as handsy and pathetic as ever.
“Bishop! Wait! Don’t go! Think about how your parents would feel! They’ll be worried sick!”
I slap away her hand and get inside the car. The Uber driver looks a little curious as he turns his head to look us over, but he doesn’t get involved. I quickly close the door and in seconds we’re off. I know better not to, but I find myself looking back to see the crowd trying to talk her into moving on.
Cordelia falls on her knees, putting both hands on her face.
It suddenly occurs to me that’s most likely exactly what she wanted. All the attention from her friends must be like an addictive high. I’ve heard about that, actually. People do drugs and stay homeless despite the fact they can probably get by, but they’re always chasing that next high because they’re addicted to it. They just can’t get enough of it.
But then again, trying to rationalize her behavior this time feels somewhat wrong. I think for a moment she was serious when she said she wanted to help me. Maybe she wasn’t bullshitting me… I wouldn’t know, though. I’ve got someplace to be for a whole month, and nobody is going to get in the way of that. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be missed.
In all my time at the college, I didn’t exactly behave like my namesake.