Mike

Mike arrived at his hotel downtown around 6 PM. He had been driving all day from Atlanta and was road weary but was dying to see Rocco again after 30 years. As soon as he parked in the garage, he pulled out his phone and texted Rocco.

“I’m here,” Mike texted. He waited a few minutes to see if Rocco would respond immediately. He did not see a “Seen” notification, so he got out of his car and grabbed his suitcase. He rolled his suitcase into the lobby when his phone chimed.

“Great. Where are you staying?” Rocco replied.

Mike immediately replied, “Downtown at the Hyatt” He waited a moment to see if Rocco would reply. Rocco didn’t so Mike checked into his room. His phone chimed in the elevator.

"Tomorrow for lunch?” Rocco replied.

Mike made a sour face. He was eager to see Rocco again. He wanted to meet tonight. He thought about suggesting for Rocco to come downtown and meet him in the hotel bar. He typed out “How’s tonight?” but put his phone in his pocket. He had driven over 7 hours thinking about Rocco the entire time. He was so anxious to finally be so close to seeing Rocco again. He unlocked his room and entered.

His phone still had the message “How’s tonight?”. He hit send. He watched as the phone gave him “Seen” under his text and then the “…” He sat on the bed watching the screen. Finally, Rocco’s message came through.

“Half day tomorrow at school but gotta go in early. Late lunch is better,” Rocco replied. Mike’s spirits fell. He would have to wait until tomorrow to get to his destination. Then, his logic took over. It’s been 30 years. What’s another day?

“Ok. Meet me at the Sanguine Coffee Shop downtown?” Mike replied.

Rocco replied immediately. “2?”

“Sounds good,” Mike responded. He dug out his phone charger and hooked the phone up. His battery was getting dangerously low. Mike sat back on the bed wondering about Rocco. He had seen a professional picture but had no idea how old the picture was. In the picture, Rocco looked very distinguished. He had a 50/50 mix of black and grey hair slicked back and the side, black framed glasses in a retro style, and a lavender dress shirt opened at the collar. He thought he could make out a bit of chest hair peeking out. From what he could tell, Rocco had kept himself in shape. He knew Rocco was 50, or very close to it, but looked in his early 40s. What stood out most though was Rocco’s soulful eyes. Mike remembered how Rocco would look at him with those dark piercing eyes.

Mike got up and looked at himself in the mirror. The years had been decent to him, but it was clear he was pushing 50 himself. He was 48 and looked every bit of it. He had put on some weight. He was never as fit as his brother Joe, but his frame was smaller. He had managed to stay at a 34-inch waist until a past few years when he inched up to a tight 36-inch waist.

He ran his hand through his thinning strawberry blonde hair. His hairline had receded noticeably, but he had kept most of his hair since Rocco last saw him. It was thinner, especially around his crown. It was no longer the dark auburn color of his youth. The gray in his hair made it look blonder. If Rocco looked anything like his profile picture, Mike was going to have a tough time being attractive to Rocco.

Mike thought about what he was going to say to Rocco. There was so much to tell him about over the past 30 years. He had gotten married to a woman after college and had two kids. They started their family in their mid 20s. Those first five years were wonderful. However, over the course of time, he and his wife started to drift apart. She had the kids and a career she was trying to build again once the kids started school. He had a libido. His eye started to wonder once the kids entered middle school, and his wife started to spend more time in the office. Mike never cheated on his wife until the last couple of years of their marriage. At that point, both kids were starting high school. He was spending more time at the high school games. He started to have a tryst with one of the other dads. It was a purely physical affair, but it got Mike start thinking about his relationship with Rocco. He started to remember how much he loved Rocco and how deep his relationship was with another man. Of course, he loved his wife but, after some introspection, he loved her more as the mother of his children not as his soulmate. He lost touch with his male mistress, but the seed had already been sown. He was ready to accept that he was bisexual, and he confessed everything to his wife. She immediately filed for divorce the next day. She got everything including the kids. Mike was alone in the world—no wife, no children, no extracurricular lovers.

He was almost all alone. He still had his brother, Joe. It was Joe who snapped him out of his post-divorce depression. Joe reminded him of his relationship with Rocco. Mike thought about Rocco more and more every day. He realized, after his high school reunion, that giving up on Rocco was the biggest mistake of his life—his biggest regret. Yes, he loved his children with every breath he had, but there was a piece of his soul that had been missing for so long. That missing piece was Rocco.

Rocco

Mark sat down to watch the news after microwaving a Lean Cuisine. He had just been to the gym after a long day teaching several periods of music reading. He hated this part of teaching music. He preferred teaching his students how to play the instruments of their choice. That time would come, though. Reading music was a vital component. Just as he opened his meal, his phone vibrated but Mark was too nervous to look to see if it was a text from Mike. Since Mike first texted, Mark had started to get more excited to see Mike. The reality of seeing his ex had sunk in deeper. He knew it was going to be a reality. He got up and pulled his old high school yearbook off the shelf. He impatiently thumbed to the sophomore section and found Mike’s picture. Mark had to stop himself from tearing up at seeing an image of his old love. He missed all the times he shared with Mike. He missed his freckles and his little doughy belly. He missed the way he laughed. He missed how Mike would wear his Yankees cap backwards.

He exhaled and picked up his phone. He smiled at the screen.

“I’m here at the Hyatt” Mike texted. He was in town! Mark’s heart skipped a beat. He heard himself giggle a little. It was going to happen. After 30 years, he was going to get see how the years had treated Mike.

“Great. Where are you staying?” Mark replied.

“Downtown at the Hyatt” That was just 10 minutes away. There were only a few miles between him and Mike now. Mark wanted to remain aloof not wanting to be so desperate. He started to calculate his plan of action. Tomorrow he had to go into school a couple of hours early to set up some equipment, so he needed to go to bed early. If he met Mike tonight, there would be no telling when he would get to bed. It was only a half day so he could meet with Mike for lunch.

"Tomorrow for lunch?” Mark replied.

“How’s tonight?” Mike responded. Mark wanted to say “Yes” so badly but his rational mind took hold.

“Half day tomorrow at school but gotta go in early. Late lunch is better” Mark replied.

“Ok. Meet me at the Sanguine Coffee shop downtown?” Mike replied.

Mark replied immediately. “2?” He would get out of school around 1. He could come back, freshen up, and then meet Mike.

“Sounds good” Mike responded.

Date set! Mark was too excited to eat his dinner. He was too excited to see how Mike turned out. He was dying to know how much of the Mike who he remembered had remained. Mark had no idea what Mike looked like now. He couldn’t find any pictures of Mike. Mark had no idea what Mike did for work. Had he pursued something in art? Did he still have that auburn hair he loved? Mark knew Mike was 48—maybe he was a foxy silver ginger now!

The years had been kind to Mark even though he had lived them hard. Mark tried to keep his trim physique, but after he turned 40, it was becoming more of an uphill battle. He kept his musculature but was bulkier now. He could fit into a 34-waist pant snuggly. Everything was where it was supposed to be—only a little lower now.

Mark stopped dying his hair in his 30s and started to let his gray show. He realized early on that dying hair black is the quickest way to look old. He looked much younger and natural as he progressed to salt and pepper.

Mark spent much of his 20s after school in a drunken stupor. He had developed quite a drinking habit resulting in several failed attempts at sobriety. Finally, after a particularly dangerous bender that resulted in a disorderly conduct charge, he entered a rehab program and had been sober ever since. He realized in rehab that his drinking was the reason why he had not had a meaningful relationship with any man since Mike up to that point. He had hundreds of one-night stands. It was a miracle that he had only needed to go to the health department a handful of times for penicillin shots. Once he got sober, he had a couple of long-term relationships. However, no man ever matched up to Mike. His sobriety journey led him to realized that he had been chasing what he once had with Mike. Even though the details of the intimacy had blurred over the years, it was the feeling of wholeness he had with Mike that he remembered the most.

A part of him was glad that Mike wanted him to make a clean break when he went off to college. There were a few experiences that Mark regretted in his search for a Mike substitute, but overall, Mark was grateful to have had the chance to enjoy a wide variety of other guys throughout his 20s. That opportunity allowed him the chance to fully know what he did and did not want in a relationship. What he wanted was Mike.

Mike

Mike ordered a large café au lait and found a table in a quiet corner of the coffee shop. It was a busy location since it was downtown in the middle of the day. Lots of people were coming in and out as well as staying to enjoy their orders. He sat with his back to the wall so that he could watch the folks coming in, primarily so he could see Rocco.

His stomach was fluttering and in knots. He couldn’t wait to lay his eyes on his long-lost boyfriend. He couldn’t wait to hear his voice. He couldn’t wait to hold his hand, if Rocco would let him. He was wearing the Yankees cap backwards that Rocco put on his head so many years ago. Surely, Rocco would recognize the hat if he did not recognize Mike.

Mike was a little embarrassed at his appearance lately. He fully acknowledged his portly frame. He doubted Rocco would find him attractive anymore, but he had to at least give it a try. He felt like he had wasted his entire life after Rocco graduated—all the years searching for a substitute for Rocco and conforming to society’s expectations. Being queer had come a long way since he was in high school. There was more tolerance and acceptance these days for being something other than straight. However, when Rocco and Joe left, he found it harder to be free to date who he wanted. The allies had left. Sure, there were plenty of queer kids as well as the GSA, but the open acceptance turned into a grudging tolerance his last two years of high school. There was no violence, but there was no welcoming either. He felt more pressure from his parents to date girls and eventually marry a woman. Often during his engagement with his wife, Joe would bring up that he was concerned about Mike’s happiness with a woman. Many times, Joe would ask him things like “Are you happy with her?” or “Are you sure this is the one?” At the time, Mike was annoyed by Joe’s questions. After his divorce, he understood Joe’s concerns. His children were the highlights of his life. However, now that gay parenting had become more accepted, he wished he and Rocco were the parents of his children. There was always a question that plagued him in his sleep: What if? What if? What if? What if I had worked hard at staying with Rocco?

He was deep in thought staring at his coffee cup when Rocco walked into the café. He didn’t notice Rocco looking around in the crowd while he waited in line to order a large black dark roast. Rocco reached the cashier when Mike looked up and spotted him.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

He looked even better in person than in his picture. Mike smiled as he watched him pay for his coffee. Rocco’s hair was grayer than in his picture, but he still wore the thick black framed glasses. Rocco was in great shape for a guy in his 50s. He was wearing a pullover polo and a pair of khakis that accentuated his butt. He had a messenger bag across his body which pulled his shirt close to his body showing his stout upper body—thick but not overweight. Mike chuckled when it looked like Rocco made a joke to the cashier. Mike was enamored by the energy Rocco emanated. This was the same man Mike had been attracted to in high school. This was the same man Mike gave all care to the wind and became his boyfriend. This was the same man who was his soulmate.

“Rocco!” Mike yelled and stood up. Immediately, Rocco looked up from the counter with a look of surprise and spotted Mike. Their eyes locked onto each other. Mike grinned ear to ear and waved. Rocco stood blankly for a moment and then smiled.

“Coffee for Mark,” a barista shouted from behind the counter. Rocco put his finger up to Mike to let him know he was going to get his coffee and be right over. Mike nodded and sat back down to watch Rocco carefully grab his cup and maneuver around the crowded café.

As Rocco approached the table, Mike was already in tears. He stood up again and grabbed Rocco almost spilling his coffee. Mike tightly embraced Rocco and did not let go of him for at least a minute.

Rocco

Mark sat in his car for a few minutes in the parking garage. He was nervous to see Mike again. He was apprehensive about the man he was about to meet. He had no idea how Mike would look or act. The last time Mark laid his eyes on Mike was their final camping trip. Mike was a small hairless teenager with shaggy auburn hair. Mark was nervous that Mike had become some Greek god. He was nervous that Mike would reject him again. Mark was a typical middle-aged man with a little bit of a gut and a lot of gray hair. He tried to keep himself looking youthful but was fighting a losing battle. He realized this when the gray had started to migrate to other parts of his body. He initially plucked the grays, but they seemed to multiply so he gave up. It didn’t matter that much anymore. At this age, he was not necessarily on the hunt for a mate. If it happened, it happened. If it didn’t, it didn’t. The last relationship he had turned him off to dating. It’s not that the relationship was abusive or destructive to his emotional well-being, it just wasn’t Mike. That was the sole reason none of his relationships lasted—none of them were Mike.

Mark took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. He got out of his car and made his way to the elevator to face the unknown. He was ready for what lay ahead. Mark pressed the ground level and silently ascended.

When he got out of the elevator, he spotted the Sanguine Coffee off to his right. This was an usual spot for Mike to want to meet. Sanguine had decent coffee, but it was so corporate. They were all over the country. There were so many better local coffee shops in Cincinnati to choose. Mike probably just didn’t know about them. Mark remembered Mike was staying at the Hyatt which was just across the street. It was likely a choice due to convenience. Besides, Mark wasn’t here for the coffee.

Again, Mark took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly to calm his nerves. He flung the door open and began to look around. The café was more crowded than he liked. Being around high school students all week made Mark treasure quieter, sedate locales for get togethers. However, he was not in charge of the setting, so he took it in stride.

No one resembled the boy who dropped him off at his house after camping on that fateful day over 30 years ago. That was a long shot, however. After 30 years and who knows what kind of life circumstances, it was highly unlikely that Mark would recognize Mike. He wished he had asked Mike what he was wearing so that he would know who to look for. He saw a man with a ballcap sitting alone in the corner but he was looking down so Mark could not tell if he was Mike. He also saw several other men sitting alone so perhaps he would get a coffee and make a circle around the café in search of his long-lost love.

He waited in line trying to keep himself calm. The couple in front of him was chatting about some hot new singer. Since Mark worked with teens, he recognized names of celebrities but didn’t have any interest in keeping himself current with pop culture. To him, music hit its peak in 1990s. Everything after that was just garbage. He stopped caring about listening to anything new past 2010. He tried for a little while to listen to new stuff. Mark even really got into the emo music of 00s. After that, everything sounded the same. In any case, he had no idea who the couple was talking about.

He approached the cashier and ordered a large black dark roast. He hated anything in his coffee. He appreciated the taste of the bean, not all the other additions people insist upon. He always felt there should be one line for people who want their coffee black and one line for people who want all the fancy add-ons. Those people just wasted his time.

“Large dark roast, no room,” Mark said to the cashier.

“Wow! No one orders that,” the cashier said with an air of respect for a true coffee connoisseur.

“I don’t have the time and patience for all that other nonsense,” Mark said chuckling.

“You’re going to put us out of our jobs!” the cashier replied with a laugh.

“Ah, I doubt that. I’m a dying breed,” Mark laughed.

He paid for his coffee and stood off to the side. He started to get his phone to text Mike when he heard a familiar voice from the corner of the room.

“Rocco!”

Mark looked up surprised to hear that name. He hadn’t heard “Rocco” in ages. The man in the cap stood up. Their eyes locked onto each other. He saw the man grin and wave. It took a moment for this unknown stranger to morph into something familiar and comfortable. It was Mike! Mark let out a gasp realizing that he was looking at his ex-boyfriend.

“Coffee for Mark,” a barista shouted from behind the counter. Mark was beyond thrilled. Mike had changed a lot, but Mark could clearly see the boy from his youth that he loved so deeply many years ago. Mike looked just as handsome as he did in 1992—perhaps even more so. The years had given him a distinguished look about him.

Mark put his finger up to Mike to let him know he was going to get his coffee and that he would be right over. Mike nodded and sat back down. Mark grabbed his coffee and maneuvered around the crowded café. Mark reached the table. He saw that Mike was in tears which caused Mark to well up with tears as well. It was obvious that Mike was happy to see Mark. Mike tightly embraced Mark and did not let go of him for at least a minute. Mike still had his sweet musky smell but with a hint of age. It still drove Mark crazy enough to almost drop his coffee.

They sat across from each other staring. Neither of them knew how to start the conversation. They had so much to say each other, but neither of them could speak. What they both felt was beyond words.

“I can’t believe I’m actually sitting across from Rocco,” Mike finally broke the silence.

“I have to confess, it’s really good to be called Rocco again,” Mark said. Being called by his childhood name brought back so many warm nostalgic feelings. He was ready to fully embrace it again especially by Mike.

“What have you been doing all these years?” Mike asked.

Rocco, forgetting now that he had gone by his proper name of Mark for the past three decades, chuckled. “I’m a high school music teacher.”

“That’s exactly what you said you would be,” Mike said smiling.

“I studied music at Vandy and then went on to UT to get my teaching credentials. And you?” Rocco asked.

“Well,” Mike started. “I’m a graphic designer.”

“So, you did something with your art?” Rocco said happy that Mike stuck with his artistic gift.

“It was the only thing that held my interest,” Mike replied.

“What kind of things have you designed?” Rocco asked taking a sip of his coffee.

“See that logo?” Mike pointed to Rocco’s coffee cup. Rocco took a glance down at his cup. “I designed that.”

Rocco looked up at Mike in surprise. He studied the design of the coffee plant in the shape of an S. “You designed this?”

“Yep,” Mike replied. “That’s kinda why I wanted to meet you here. I wanted to show you what I did with myself.”

Rocco’s heart melted at Mike’s attempt to impress him. “My God, your design is on millions of coffee cups. I never would have imagined my Mike would do so well.” Rocco blushed once he realized he had said “my Mike”.

Mike smiled widely. “Recognize this?” Mike took Rocco’s old Yankees cap off and faced the tattered logo towards Rocco. Rocco gasped in surprise at the sight of his old baseball hat.

“My old hat!” Rocco looked up into Mike’s eyes. “You kept it after all of these years?”

“I couldn’t get rid of it. It would have been like giving up a piece of you,” Mike said. Rocco reached over and ran his finger along the Yankees logo. His mind flooded with the memory of putting it on Mike’s head so many years ago.

“I can’t believe it. I wondered where it went,” Rocco said still looking at the hat.

“It was the only thing I had that reminded me of you after you left Miners Creek,” Mike said.

When Mike said this, Rocco remembered his package from Mike upon his return from California. “You had my skateboard.”

Mike’s face flushed in embarrassment. “Yeah, that was the most shameful thing I ever did to anyone. Rocco, I’m so sorry about that. I was too chickenshit to face you in person. I wish with all my being that I had never done that to you. You deserved so much better from me. Can you ever forgive me?” Mike was in tears as he said this.

“After I read that letter,” Rocco explained with a touch of anger, “I broke my skateboard. I tried to drown myself in the tub, but I just couldn’t do it.”

“You did what?” Mike looked up at Rocco in shock.

“I didn’t want to go on after reading your letter,” Rocco said as Mike continued to cry. “I felt like my world was over. When I called you when you got back from your family vacation, it hurt so badly that you were so curt and nonchalant to me. I guess, a part of me knew it was over, but I held on to some hope that we would spend the rest of the summer together when I got back from LA. Then I read your letter. My hope was gone.” Rocco looked down at his cup. He felt his eyes burn from the pain.

Mike sat back and wiped his face dry. “I never dreamed I would have hurt you so badly. I’m so sorry.” Mike couldn’t express the guilt he felt inside.

“I understand now, after all these years, that you were just doing what you thought was best. I get that you wanted a clean break. And I get that you were too emotional to do it face-to-face. I’m sure seeing me would have made it impossible for you to break up. It’s okay,” Rocco said rubbing the tears from his eyes.

“Yeah, but still…” Mike said. “If I could do it all over again—”

Rocco interrupted him, “Let’s not waste time on the past. You can’t undo any of it.” Mike nodded in understanding. He respected Rocco’s desire to move on but still wanted to do everything in his power to make it right.

Mike closed his fists and put them up to his mouth. He then placed them flat on the table. “Rocco, I wanted to meet to tell you something in person. All these years, no one has ever come close to making me feel the way that you did that one year in high school. I’ve had a few relationships before I got married. Through all of that, I’ve always compared everyone I loved to you. None of them has matched how I felt---how I feel for you.”

As Mike told him this, Rocco kept his gaze on Mike’s logo. Rocco looked up at the end of Mike’s words. He reached both of his hands across the table and took Mike’s hands in his. Mike’s hands were rougher and meatier now. “I’ve felt the same way all these years too.”

Mike looked up into Rocco’s eyes. He saw that Rocco was smiling. “Do you remember the New Year’s resolution I made?”

Rocco looked at Mike in confusion. “No, I don’t.”

Mike locked his eyes on Rocco. “I made a resolution that I would love you forever. I’ve kept that resolution.”

Rocco let the tears fall down his cheek. He took Mike’s hands up to his mouth and kissed them. “I love you too.”

They went to dinner at the hotel restaurant where Mike was staying. The two old lovers spent the entire dinner catching up on each other’s lives. Mike learned about the many relationships Rocco had over the years as well as his career in teaching. Rocco learned about Mike’s marriage, divorce, and children. They spent the entire time lost in each other just like it still 1992.

“What happened with the band?” Rocco asked at one point during the meal.

“We kept it going for a while. Jared played your guitar. Chris played the drums. Fred had a couple of sophomores join the band. I spent so much time at the skate park over those two years. After Jared, Chris, and I graduated, I don’t know what happened with Fred,” Mike explained.

“Where did Jared and Chris end up?” Rocco asked.

“The last I heard, Jared got married and lives in Nashville. I’m not sure what he does. Chris ended up going to UT and became a doctor of some sort in Memphis,” Mike said. “You know, Jared and I had a thing going on that summer after we graduated.”

“Really?” Rocco asked surprised. “You and Jared?”

“Yeah,” Mike said. “It just sort of all happened more out of curiosity really. It ended when summer was over.”

“I never would have thought that about Jared,” Rocco said looking off.

“What about Pete, Raz, and Austin?” Mike asked.

“Well, I lost touch with Raz. Austin and I hung out some when I went to UT. That’s where he was going to college when I started there to get my teaching degree. He took a couple of years off after high school. The last I heard, he’s up north working as an engineer or something. He’s got a wife and kids. As for Pete…” Rocco took a sip of water before continuing. “Pete and I went out to LA. He started singing for a group and got hooked on heroin. I don’t know what happened to him.” Rocco looked down at his glass. “I wish I had done more for him.”

“Heroin???” Mike said in shock.

“Yeah, I feel so guilty leaving him there. I called his parents on the way back to tell them. My guess—my hope—is that they went out there and got him cleaned up,” Rocco said still looking at his glass.

“Rocco,” Mike said taking his hand. “You didn’t make him do it. You did what you thought was best.”

“Yeah,” Rocco looked up at Mike. “I guess. I just wished I had done more. I could have at least kept up with him.”

“Well,” Mike said smiling at Rocco. “We can try to hunt him down and see what became of him if you want.”

“I’d like that,” Rocco returned Mike’s smile.

Mike shifted in his seat and paused before he spoke. “Do you remember our place? Our cabin?”

Rocco chuckled. “How could I forget?”

Mike smirked. “Would you like to go camping with me sometime?”

“I’d like that too,” Rocco said returning Mike’s smirk. “I’d like that a lot.”

Epilogue

Mike and Rocco made it a point to return to the cabin at least twice a year. No matter what was going on in their lives, they always returned to the cabin. Rocco quit going by Mark. He was always going to be Rocco to Mike. Mike eventually moved to Cincinnati to spend the rest of his years with Rocco. He kept wearing Rocco’s old Yankees cap even when the last bit of the logo fell out of it. He kept his resolution to love Rocco forever.

THE END