I awoke, I was the demon Melzelbell no longer. I looked down my pants, there was nothing there. I raged into the night. It was gone, my penis, my powers, I was now a eunuch. Tears streamed down my face. I was now a penisless incubus. No more seduction. My life was over, gone, done, kaput. I might as well take a bath in holy water, and cease to exist. But there was the question of all of the debt I'd racked up in purgatory, not the plane of existence, but the casino. I'd always been able to charm some pretty girl into gambling away her soul to stave off this debt, and keep my ridiculous lifestyle. But now, was I even technically still a man, a demon, or anything.
Three weeks earlier. I'd charmed some hot young thing into hell. She failed to read the fine print on her cell phone contract, which enabled me to legally track her social media and con her into a complementary 3 day 2 night stay in Vegas plus tickets to Beyonce with her boyfriend. After successfully selling them a timeshare through hypnosis, I gave them complementary cocktails which quickly turned into being married by Elvis, which turned into me having sex with her while her new husband was passed out in the next room. After sobering up a bit, I did my usual thing, threatened to blackmail her with the sextape, unless she promised me her immortal soul. Not believing she had a soul, she immediately signed the napkin I wrote the contract on in exchange for me just "getting the hell out of their room," before her new hubby woke up. Which I did, completing the contract and staving off the loan sharks from Purgatory Hotel and Casino for a measly 2 more weeks. Then I'd have to do it all over again because the pay was atrocious. You'd think a devil would get his due, but no, souls had been devalued as a currency in recent years. Ever since the internet, there'd been an abundance of souls flooding the market. African scammers had set up so many successful scams that the greed demons subcontracted them to soul gathering flooding the market and devaluing souls, but making them hella rich in the process. Which left me with 2 measly weeks before I had to seduce a new mark. Maybe I should just get a job in the human world. But then I wouldn't be an incubus anymore, my nature was seduction, I wouldn't be myself otherwise. Little did I know what would happen later that week.
Thursday, I woke up to the sound of glass breaking and the screeching of nails on a chalkboard. Sableye stepping through a portal into my trashed penthouse suite. She was a succubus with all that that entailed, skintight dominatrix outfit included.
"Was there an issue with my paycheck again," I asked. Everything was usually done through PaySmell or Venmax and anonymously routed through Hell so regular folks couldn't trace the signal.
"You've got a job offer from someone high up," she said in a silky voice.
"A what now," I raised my eyebrows. I was a pile a cow dung, as far as greater demons were concerned. "Did they ask for me specifically," I said grinning.
She laughed, "sure, sure," she said with such sarcasm that I saw miasma inundate the room. Choking on her laughter with schadenfreude.
"Wow thank you for the opportunity," I said standing up to leave. I wasn't gonna take this, I was a proud demon of hell.
"Wait, wait," she said smoothly. "Three million souls," she said.
I spun around "Yes mam, at your service, what do you need from me," I said giving her my best confident grin." Looking back, that was my first mistake.
It was that Thursday afternoon that I was hustled into an empty warehouse, where I could see people who looked like the kkk except in all black instead of white. They were tying down naked men and women, who were struggling for their lives, to stakes strategically driven into the floor at various points of a giant pentagram drawn in chalk. My first thought was fuuuuuuuck this is some messed up bull shit. I actually said this out loud, not on purpose, and Sableye looked at me critically "don't you con women into selling their immortal souls," she said.
"Well yeah," I retorted, "but I'm a gentleman about it," I said. Looking at a guy who was clubbing a girl into unconsciousness. He grinned evilly reaching down into her crotch, that's when Sableye moved, and his head exploded. I froze, what the fuck, I thought, and accidentally said out loud
"This is why you're so poor," said Sableye snickering, "you just don't have what it takes to be a real demon," she grinned licking the blood off the fist she'd used to decimate the guys head. I decided I hated her and wanted her to die a slow death in fires of hell, but she had a lot of demon energy. It would probably feel like tickling to her. "Still these low level demonic souls are trash, they haven't been refined enough to truly have enough reason and restraint," she told me as an angry spirit rose from the headless corpse wailing as it faded back into whatever hell it was summoned from. An icy looking man quickly walked over to me in a crisp black tailored suit with slicked back hair a red slitted pupils. Greed demon looked like.
"What can I do for you sir," I said trying to ingratiate myself.
"Is this him," he asked Sableye in a gravelly voice. "Yes," she said, look down her nose at me, "he usually gets 2 souls a month."
"Two a month," the man said and frowned, looking down on me like the trash in the sewer. I smiled at him, greed warring with pride, greed won of course. Three million souls was a lot of money. "He'll do," he said walking away. Sableye grinned at me.
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"What do I have to do exactly," I finally asked. I didn't want to scare away the money before, so I didn't push it.
"You just have contribute your mojo in the ritual," she said coldly. She went over to a desk and brought out a contract. It was only one page, and it mostly said I agreed to wholehearted, willingly, with sound mind, to release my mojo in the ritualis commutationem, I don't speak latin, for 3 million souls. I signed immediately, imagining what I could do with all that money, this was my second mistake.
"Why am I getting paid so much to just use my powers a little bit," I said. Sableye turned to me showing a picture on her phone of a nerdy looking teenager with zits.
"This kid is rich," she said snatching up the contract, "his dad's a famous warlock and he wants to get his freak on, so we're gonna juice him up a little bit she said." Warning lights were starting to go off in my head.
"But, I heard it's hard to transfer demon powers to anybody, won't this have a negative effect on me," I said.
"Don't worry it's completely safe," she said walking over to a giant guard demon who looked like a wrestler. "Gorch could you take care of Mel here," she asked.
"Sure boss," he rumbled like a tractor, or some kind of heavy equipment. The last thing I saw was a giant fist approaching.
I awoke feeling weak. I felt a barrier around me. A barrier oh shit I thought, and apparently said out loud. "What's going to happen to me," I said.
"Nothing nothing," said the slick man, "you'll get your money," he laughed in a sick cough like he was a smoker. "We're taking your powers in exchange for the 3 million," he explained.
"What," I shrieked, "no no no No NO!" I yelled, "you can't do this, nowhere in that contract does it say you can do this."
"Ritualis Commutationem," he said. "Its literally ritual exchange, I didn't think there was a demon alive who was this dense," he said cracking up, until he was wheezing and had to sit down.
"Demons ARE their powers," I yelled, "without them I'll die."
"True," he said, "I wonder if you'll last long enough to spend some of that money," he laughed, "haha haha haha haha hahaha," he wheezed back into his chair. That's when Sableye came in with a pimply teenager.
"Is this the mark," asked pimple face.
"Yeah," Sableye answered silkily.
I pounded on the barrier, but this was high quality work, triple layered, enforced, I wasn't getting through this thing. I screamed at them, as Sableye pushed pimple face into an adjacent circle across the pentagram from me. Slick started chanting, reading from some kind of grimoire and the black robed acolytes cut the throats of the people staked to the ground. The blood flowed along the pentagram and slick rose to a crescendo. I cried crouching down waiting for it to end when something plopped to the floor below me. It was my penis. I lunged forward to grab it, but too late, I crashed into the barrier. My penis wormed its way toward pimple face who took off his pants. It wormed up his leg and folded around his current member enlarging both balls and shaft by a big margin.
"Thanks bro," he said as he pulled up his pants smirking at me.
"You wanna do a test run," said Sableye lustfully.
I whited out.
I woke up on the floor. I looked down my pants. Nothing. "God damn you," I screamed to the heavens.
"Hey that's not nice," said an angel floating up above. "God didn't do anything to you, it was those demons, and you fell for it. It's your own fault," he moaned, this was the gayest angel I'd ever seen in my life. "But don't worry I've come to help you," he said.
"You have," I said.
"Yes, I was sent by the almighty to take back the 3 million souls you are now in possession of."
"You were sent by god himself?" I said.
"The almighty, well no, nobody sees him, I just got a memo," he said. "It gives you special dispensation, for the 3 million souls."
I was desperate at this point, I didn't want to just fade away, as I would, without my demon powers. "Here," I said, handing the angel a red demon crystal pulsing with power that was lying on the floor in front of me.
"Ouch," he yelped, getting zapped by it a bit. He levitated it above his palm with a sigh. Lazily waving the other palm at me he said " you have received special dispensation, and may ascend to heaven if you wish, all your sins are forgiven."
"Does this mean I'm not going to fade away," I said, tears running down my face.
"No we can't help you with that," he said. "Something about obeying the other gods, anyways here's my card he byeee," he finished.
"WHAT?" I gasped as he vanished in a flash of light, card twirling to the floor. The card read as follows: Jasper Jasperson the 14th, assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant of saint Jasper, head clerk of the 13th area of the 7th heaven ; All complaints to be sent through the usual channels.
I collapsed on the floor crying, "I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die," I muttered over and over again. And I curled up muttering to myself in my depression and fell alseep right there on the ground.
I woke up to something wet dripping down my face. I looked up, saw a penis peeing down in my nose and face, I coughed turned and threw up. I was so angry, I hooked to guys leg, he lost his balance and fell. I dove on top of him punching down in rage like I'd never felt before in my entire life. Burying his face under my fist, again and again, until his face gave in and I felt something soft slap against my knuckles. I kept punching more and I felt power flow into me, intoxicating, I felt drunk with power.
I staggered back through the back entrance of Purgatory Hotel and Casino, taking my private elevator up to the penthouse suite. I cried some more, my mental state was foggy, unclear, and I felt like I was slipping away, slowly, slowly into nothingness.
I awoke much later. I, the former demon Melzelbell looked down my pants, there was nothing there. I raged into the night. It was gone, my penis, my powers, i was now a eunuch. Tears streamed down my face. I was now a penisless incubus. No more seduction. My life was over, gone, done, kaput. I might as well take a bath in holy water, and cease to exist. But there was the question of all of the debt I'd racked up in purgatory, not the plane of existence, but the casino. I'd always been able to charm some pretty girl into gambling away her soul to stave off this debt, and keep my ridiculous lifestyle. But now, was I even technically still a man, a demon, or anything. I don't know, but I'm damn well going to find out.