The time was 2 a.m., and I was trying to get some sleep from the time I got into bed at 10 p.m. My brain becomes very active whenever I want to get some sleep, as it keeps on rewinding my life, forcing me to think about my past, present, and future.

For the past few months, I have been searching for jobs but have not gotten any. It was like everyone swore to themselves not to hire me if I performed very well in the interview too. Life sucks, failure in love life sucks, and not finding the best friend sucks; no friend circle sucks; being unemployed sucks; and more than anything, being an orphan is such a disaster; struggling for survival; working hard to complete education; and after that, battling for a job. Why can’t my life be easy like any other ordinary person’s?

I hate that no one is there in my life, and I am unlucky in my love life too. Such a tragedy. I don’t want to remember my ex’s words before bidding goodbye; they are still haunting me. I told him so many times that you are a millionaire, and our so-called love wouldn’t be successful; he so wanted to become Romeo; how the hell did his family or he accept Juliet with so many flaws? In this selfish world, and dam, I was so right, being the jerk he didn’t listen to me, convinced me by giving false hope made me fall for him, at last, his parents didn’t approve of our relationship, threatened him to disown him, and yeah, that was enough, my Romeo came into reality; he ditched me without giving a second thought; it was acceptable from his side as he was a puppet of his parents.

I was heartbroken but not shattered into pieces because of so many reasons, one of which was that I was not into him. Back in my mind, I always knew the outcome of this relationship and what I could expect. Always busy with my shitty life, I was not giving time for him, which made him suffer by not having sex and foreplaying with restrictions. What the hell was I going to prove to anyone by being a bloody virgin? My blood was boiling from thinking that I didn’t get fucked once in our 3-year relationship.

His words the day we broke up, which didn’t include a single apologetic word, he chose that hour to remove his frustration: “Trust me, Ana, I am not sorry. I am regretting my 3-year relationship with you. It’s a different story. I was not fucking loyal, but what the hell I saw in you and fucking stayed with you so long I am not getting. Yeah, you are fucking beautiful, and only if anyone falls for your beauty, they will be finished like me. You fucking made me suffer just in foreplay, no fucking sex; you completely managed to avoid sex all these years; when my parents threatened me to choose between you and them, it didn’t even take a second to choose them over you; then only I came to realize that you are not even ‘AIR’ in my life”.

Those words came in a shot. He was fuming in anger at any second; he wanted to rip me off. I was maintaining my distance from him, thank God, and I told him to meet in a public place.

Let me feel how his words felt, irrespective of the fact that I was not into him, it was hurting. Yes, it was my fault; I didn’t have sex with him. I had my reasons. I grew up in an orphanage. I saw so many shitty things over there—girls turning into prostitutes, ending up being mothers at a very young age. No one was trying to secure their lives; they were so involved in enjoying life. After seeing everything, I was determined and made a firm decision. In my life, I had no one, not even a distant relative. My focus was on doing a part-time job, getting a certificate, and getting a stable job. Yes, I should have explained everything to my ex. In the three years of our relationship, I didn’t take the initiative to explain anything to him, and he didn’t bother to ask. He was getting everything from his parents, so he was enjoying his life. I was never dependent on him for anything; he was only carving and pressuring me to have sex. There was a communication gap, which shouldn’t have existed in the three years of our relationship we had from the beginning, and again, if I had shared my reasons, I didn’t think he would stop pasturing me.

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He didn’t stop there: “You are clumsy, naïve, you don’t know the basics of sex, watch a few porn, gain knowledge about foreplay before moving into another relationship, or else forget about everything and join the church, pathetic nun, you will die alone if this is the case.”

And he also confessed that he was not loyal to me and had so many affairs. I was so screwed up in my world that I didn’t even suspect him of cheating. His confession made me realize how naive I was—not even a bloody clue.

“Everything ends here, Ana; don’t even try to come back; there is no future for us, which is dam clear, and trust me for you; the only option I personally suggest is to stay and die alone; you deserve it.” With that, he bid his final goodbye to me.

That bastard not only cheated on me but also cursed me before bidding his goodbye. That day, I decided to try everything related to sex and not jump into any relationships. I knew only the theoretical part of sex but had never tried it practically. As he said, in the sex part, I was dam naïve, and I didn’t want anyone to give shitty reasons to ditch me next time.

So, the next few days, I started visiting pubs in my best outfit. After entering, I would order a drink and begin to explore my surroundings. If I caught anyone eyeing me, I would act with the flow. After a few minutes, they would definitely approach me. Always, I would make sure it ended in a kiss. Whenever they were moving beyond a kiss, like towards my boobs or pants, the next minute I would run off from that place. How pathetic. Was it because of my upbringing? I don’t know; I tried more than 10 times, but the result was the same, and I finally gave up.

I thought maybe I skipped a step, like I should start dating again if we understood each other, then everything would be easy, which clearly didn’t work in my previous relationship because he was a total jerk. So once again, I started dating when they found out about my background; they would become sympathetic, but because of my conservative nature or other reasons, I never worked out with anyone. Will the curse given by a bloody, cheating bastard also work? Strangely, it was working on me.

I would always question myself: Will I change, or else will I be like this forever? As my ex said, what am I going to achieve by being this way? I am already 22 years old, and I still haven’t found the answer. If I come in contact with anyone, they will not stick to me, no matter what, if I give my 100%. Most of the time, my straightforwardness is my biggest enemy, and because of that, I have gotten into trouble so many times. If this were the case, do I hold any future? My mind immediately echoed ‘No’.

It’s hard to find a person who will accept you for who you are; so-called status matters; everyone needs fake and pretentiousness, which is far from my nature. Because of my naiveness, clumsiness, and, yeah, straightforwardness, with these ingredients, I will definitely dig my own grave.

On the other hand, in my career, I am not able to stick to one company, no matter what. Maniacs will always try to flirt with me, wanting to encourage their dirty talks and touch. Of course, I would oppose the next thing they would do to cause me trouble, which ended up kicking me out. Bloody jerks think that girls are their toys.

Now I am lying in the middle of the night, thinking about my future. I am jobless, and within a few days, my bank balance will also get drained. How the hell am I going to survive in this world? I have often thought of becoming a stripper or escort. I do look good, but I don’t even know the basics. I may learn right; yeah, it may take another 8 to 10 years by that time; I won’t belong anywhere; I will be a complete failure; and I didn’t struggle so much to become one. God, you have to help me.