In Simon Synthson’s defense, he had been very drunk when he had superglued his VR headset to his face. Simon Synthson, synthetic son of Synthor Synthson, was not a smart man, but even he knew that supergluing yourself to VR headsets was a bad idea. Granted, it wasn’t until after he had superglued himself to his VR headset that he had realized this fact. Simon’s real life was bad enough that he would normally never complain about being trapped in a virtual one, but Simon was trapped in Mahou Shoujo Hologram Universe. Being trapped in Mahou Shoujo Hologram Universe, to Simon’s best estimate, was a fate equivalent to being the middle person in a human centipede. No matter what, Simon had to escape.
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ESCAPE PLAN ONE-
For thirty-five minutes, Simon had attempted to tear the headset off his face by force. It had not worked, and now there was some kind of fluid running down his cheek that may have been blood. With the headset on and MSHU’s ferociously colorful login screen filling his vision, Simon was no less than blind to the real world. Unless he wanted to tear his entire face off alongside the headset, which he would prefer not to do, escape plan one was a failure.
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ESCAPE PLAN TWO-
The simple solution: call the emergency services. Simon reached for his phone, which always sat at the exact same spot on his desk. His hand met air. Where was his phone? Where was his desk? WHERE WAS HE? Simon walked forward fifteen steps. His corporate-assigned apartment was precisely ten steps across at its widest. When he had woken up, hungover and delirious, with a talking cat in his vision telling him about the latest in-game events, Simon had assumed he was in his apartment. Apparently not. With no phone to call an ambulance, escape plan two was a failure.
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ESCAPE PLAN THREE-
After curling up into a ball and trying not to cry for fear of filling the headset with tears, Simon decided to search for help. If he wasn’t in his apartment, that meant he was out on the streets of Neo-Hobart, the most dangerous city in the world. Luckily, with being the most dangerous city in the world came a high density of vigilante street samurai. If Simon could run into just one, all his problems would be solved. Unfortunately, Simon did not run into a samurai, because he ran into a wall instead.
Simon woke up with a splitting headache and a pink-haired anime girl pestering him not to idle on the login screen. He had dreamt of playing his favorite game, Land of Te’la’sto’vak’ri’a: Remastered: Game of the Year Edition & Knuckles. It was the greatest MMOJRPGFPSRTS sandbox visual novel platformer city builder competitive fighting roguelite ever made within the last two years, and far better than the pay-to-win trash that he was stuck in now. Simon groaned and sat up against the concrete wall he had run into.
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‘Are you in need of assistance, citizen?’ someone asked. Simon thought it was from the game at first, but then he realized none of the poorly translated dialogue of Mahou Shoujo Hologram Universe could possibly sound so cool.
‘Are… are you a street samurai?’ Simon asked.
‘Some may call me that, yes,’ said the person.
‘Sorry, username not found!’ said the anime girl hanging out on MSHU’s login screen.
‘I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!’ Simon shouted.
‘Ah, I apologize,’ said the street samurai. ‘I will leave you be.’
‘Nonononono!’ Simon sputtered, realizing his mistake.
‘You are sending me mixed signals, citizen.’
Simon tried to think of how to best explain his situation. ‘Have… have you ever seen Spy Kids 3-D?’
The street samurai laughed. ‘What kind of fool do you take me for? Of course I have. It’s a classic. Ahead of its time.’
‘Yeah, right?’ Simon said. ‘So you know how those kids in that movie are trapped in that video game?’
‘That is a vast oversimplification of the plot, citizen. I suggest you rewatch the film again so that you may form a more nuanced understanding.’
Simon waved his arms around. ‘No, no, I can’t, because—‘
‘Yes, I see your issue. You have no controls with which to play on your video gaming device.’
Simon was flailing about like an idiot with a Japanese MMO glued to his head. ‘Nonononono—‘
‘Please, it is no trouble,’ the samurai reassured. ‘I happen to have an extra keyboard and mouse on me at this very moment.’
Simon heard the samurai unzip his pack, then place something on the ground.
‘That’s not—‘ Simon began.
‘Do not worry, citizen. The only price you must pay is the price of intellectual enlightenment. Once you have completed your video game, I urge you to view Spy Kids 3-D once more.’
Simon didn’t say anything.
‘Your speechlessness speaks volumes,’ said the samurai. ‘I must go now. I sense the stench of political corruption on the wind, and the taste of movie piracy in the air.’
‘Wait!’ Simon cried, but the street samurai was already gone.
In retrospect, Simon should have just said This headset is glued to my face, please get it off.
Simon had a lot of regrets right now.
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ESCAPE PLAN FOUR-
They say when one door closes, another, worse door opens. The samurai had not saved Simon from his torture, but he had given him something else. Another way out. With a keyboard and mouse, Simon could log into the game and receive help from the players themselves. He would figure out where he was in the real world, then get help sent to him from within the game. He would make the news. He would sell the rights to his story. They would make a movie, or even just a web serial about him. He would make millions from the royalties. He would quit his job, move to some fancy off-world resort and play Land of Te’la’sto’vak’ri’a for the rest of his life. Getting trapped in Mahou Shoujo Hologram Universe would be the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Simon typed in his username (RudeDude47), then his password.
…
Simon couldn’t remember his password.