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Madness, with a pinch of salt
Chapter 42: Constipation

Chapter 42: Constipation

“My word, Joey!” The stupid little shit hollered before Joe could get a single word in, “Don’t tell me that you stalked me all the way to the Royal palace of Triciella?!”

His ‘fiancée(?)’ scrambled forward, half tripping and half skidding on the grass, and slapped his mouth shut with both her hands.

“Not another word!” She hissed in his face, grunting angrily like a demon from hell. “How many times must I tell you that I’m not a stalker, dammit?!”

Niel looked like he was seriously regretting opening his mouth.

“Don’t scream. Don’t make a fuss!” Joe looked around discreetly, lest anyone caught her trying to threaten a minor smack dab in the middle of the Royal garden. Oh, the scandal! “Don’t you dare call me Joey! Do you understand?”

He nodded vigorously.

Joe released his mouth and sat back in the opposite chair, still eyeing the boy with suspicion.

“And what the hell are you doing here in the royal palace, eh?” She watched him adjust his collar and stealthily trying to scoot his own chair farther away from her. If the punk thought that he could escape from her, he had another thing coming.

“Whaddya mean what?” Niel said sullenly, “I live in here, that’s what it is.”

‘A freeloader? An employee?’ Joe wondered. ‘But who would hire this idiot?’

“Oi, who’s an idiot?!”

Whoops! She’d said that out loud…

Joe squinted at Niel’s expensive silk vest. It did not look like the attire for employees. His golden curls were slicked back elegantly, matching with the gold rimmed belt on his waist. Finally, her eyes settled on the golden hawk insignia glittering beneath his collar, looking strangely out of place as the boy gobbled one muffin after another.

It was the insignia of the Triciellan royal family.

Ah!

Ah, so it was like that….

In that moment, all of the pieces finally fell into place.

This blue-eyed, blond-haired boy, who was sitting in those expensive clothes and eating these expensive cakes without any care in the world— was the very person she’d been dreading to meet ever since she’d unceremoniously landed in this world.

“So Niel is none other than His Highness Prince Emmanuel von Grayford, isn’t that right?”

‘His Highness’ paused mid-bite, his face promptly turning white as a sheet.

Nice reaction!

It was all the confirmation that she needed.

Joe mentally patted herself. The boy was making a valiant effort to avoid her eyes, but there was an unmistakable sense of nervousness rolling of him in waves. “N-Niel? I don’t know who you’re talking about…”

Ah! Joe tried hard not to smirk. “You don’t? How curious! I could have sworn that very recently, I saw a person sneaking out of Riseindell on a horse to goodness-knows-where! And I could have sworn that this person looked exactly like you!”

“C-Curious indeed! Ahaha ha!” Niel awkwardly grabbed another slice and tried stuffing it in his mouth.

“It is most fascinating.” Joe smiled serenely. “I’m sure Lady Eleanor would just looove to hear more of this little tale, and I met her just a while ago. Wouldn’t you agree, Your Highness?”

‘His Highness’ now had the classic ‘deer-caught-in-headlights’ look on his face.

Clearly, he hadn’t thought that Joe was capable of dragging his older sister into it. Of course, Joe had absolutely no intention of revealing anything to anybody, because it would be just as problematic for her if anyone got any wind of her late-night excursion.

A cleverer person would have caught on to that already, but this boy looked completely clueless. If Joe was a kinder person, she would have felt a stab of guilt somewhere in her heart for trying to threaten this naïve, gullible idiot. In fact, he didn’t look like he had a single malicious bone in his body. Exactly how did he grow up to be that emotionless, murderer prince in a span of a few years?!

Emmanuel shot up from his seat. “You c-cannot do that….!! A-A-A-And it’s not like I’m s-scared of my older sis or anything!”

Joe gave a flat look that told him exactly what she thought of his false bravado.

“…I-I mean— I don’t— !” The boy stammered, and Joe felt almost bad for him.

Almost.

“Look.” She leaned closer conspiratorially. “You don’t reveal anything about that night, and I wouldn’t reveal anything either. It’s a win-win situation for both of us, yes?” Lies, all big fat lies. Joe was pretty certain that if word got out, the situation was more likely to favour the kingdom’s prince rather than some unmarried noble girl. “Stop calling me Joey in public, and I won’t call you Niel again. Is that clear?”

Prince Emmanuel nodded once, twice, and then finally swallowed the last of his uneaten cake in relief. He definitely needed some good lessons in the art of negotiations— Joe didn’t think there was actually anyone worse off than her. What the hell were his Royal tutors doing?!

“Ah yes, perfectly clear. Hmm, that’s a good plan!” The prince flashed a thumbs up at her. “Hey, you’re actually pretty nice, Joey!”

Joe kicked him in the shin.

-------------------------------------------------

“Are you really my fiancée?” Nie— ahem, Emmanuel asked sullenly, after he had very strategically moved his feet out of her way. He wanted to take back his words. She wasn’t nice at all— she was scary, dammit!

Joe picked up a scone. “As unfortunate that is, you’re right.” A pause. “Why’d you agree to this proposal anyway? You want to get married that badly?”

“As if!” The boy scowled. “It was mother’s idea. Something about ‘finding the right partner while the time was still young!’ or whatever. I don’t want to do this either. Who wants to marry anyway?!”

Well, at least they both agreed on one thing. Joe smiled like a seasoned businessman. She’d seen Gracie smile like this when she wanted to leave the troublesome works to others. “Then how about you use that genius brain of yours to find a way out? Surely, the words of a royal prince would matter more than mine?”

The ‘royal prince’ almost preened at the unexpected compliment, before his face puckered up in annoyance.

“You think I wouldn’t have tried to stop this silly engagement I could?”

“…..You can’t?”

Emmanuel buried his face in his hands. “Of course not! There’s no stopping mother when she gets like that! What’s even worse is that even His Majesty— Lord Father has given his approval for this match! I don’t know what goes through that balding head of his—– whoops!”

As if sensing that his voice got too loud, the boy peeked behind his fingers to check for any eavesdroppers nearby. “O-Oi, don’t tell anybody I said that, okay?”

The girl flashed him a professional smile. “My lips are sealed.” Too bad they didn’t have voice recorders in this era…

He calls his father ‘His Majesty, Lord Father’. Joe filed away this information for later use.

Also, the High King was apparently balding.

But back on the topic of engagement, it seemed like there was no escape. She had anticipated it, of course. After all that’s said and done, they were merely two powerless brats getting swept away by the ambitions of adults and nobility of Triciella. Their own opinions mattered little in the grand scheme of things.

“Looks like we’ll have to stick together for a while, Prince Emmanuel.”

Niel made a face. “….Can you not call me that?”

“Oh?” Joe watched in amusement as a flush crept up his cheeks. “But that is your name, isn’t that right— Your Highness Lord Emmanuel?”

“Stop saying it like that!” Niel’s face was now red with embarrassment, “It feels weird hearing you address me with such respect!”

Joe cackled in delight. This boy was so painfully honest that she found it hilarious to tease him. “Not Niel. And not ‘Your Highness Lord Emmanuel’. Then what would you like to be called, dear Prince?”

“Ugh… I don’t know! Anything but that— !”

“Then… Emma?”

“Hey!! Anything doesn’t mean a girl’s name, dammit!”

------------------------------------------------

At the end, they had both settled for Emmanuel and Joanna, respectively.

Joe repeated the name around in her head— it sounded strangely elegant and suave— two words she could never associate the idiot Niel with. The said goofball sat in front of her and munched away at his scones with a blissful smile on his dopey face.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Yep, the name definitely didn’t suit him after all…

A tall, gangly man popped up from somewhere with a tray full of fruitcakes, teapots and porcelain cups. He had a piecing over each of his eyebrows. Now that was a trend Joe had certainly not expected to see in this era! Curious indeed! She tried to peer in for a closer look at the man, as he set about arranging the food on the table.

As if sensing her eyes on him, the man shot her a dirty glare.

Joe flinched back at the intensity.

“A-Ah! Sorry, I hadn’t meant to stare….!”

Shit! Was she actually turning into a creep after all?!

The man said nothing. Joe thought she’d caught him staring at Niel’s black sword for a tiny moment, but it might as well have been her imagination. He merely sent a stiff bow towards boy prince, and then marched away from the pavilion as quickly as he’d arrived.

“Thanks a bunch!” The prince cheerfully called after his retreating back. Why was this brat polite to everyone else but her?!

Joe turned her miserable attention towards the blueberry scones. Emmanuel Grayford could shove his curtsies and good manners elsewhere!

“What happened to your hair anyway?”

“Revolution.” Joe mumbled between bites. The scones were as delicious as she’d expected.

“Well, it looks silly.” Nie— Emmanuel swiped the last scone before she could make a grab for it. “Women look prettier with long hair. Are you really a female?”

Joe found his foot and kicked him in the shin.

Again.

All things considered, she wasn’t quite surprised at his words. This era and these people had vastly different beauty standards than what she was used to. What was more surprising was the fact that Lady Joanna hadn’t made a single peep in her head since her beloved Prince Emmanuel had started talking.

‘Did you hear that, my Lady?’ Joe goaded the villainess. ‘Your darling prince just called you silly! Are you sure he’s still your type?’

Only silence answered her back.

Oops! Did she push the Lady’s buttons a tad too far?

Joe tried to find Lady Joanna’s voice in the stillness of her mind. There was no haughty laughter, no shrill comeback, nothing. ‘My Lady?! Don’t tell me that you got so overwhelmed that you actually forgot to speak? You over-dramatic lovesick fool!’

“— him.” Came a feeble reply.

What was that?!

‘Aye?’ Joe absentmindedly cupped a palm near her ears, much to Emmanuel’s confusion. ‘Come again?’

“— not him.”

Why did the villainess sound like one of those frightened side-characters in horror movies that always ended up getting killed first? What happened to all her endless poetry dedicated to Prince Emmanuel? Where did all the enthusiasm go?

‘…Not who, my Lady?’

This time there was actually a frightened tremor in Lady Joanna’s voice. “That’s not him. The boy sitting in front of you isn’t Prince Emmanuel...!”

Joe almost fell off her chair in shock.

What in the blue blazes…! How could this be?!

The girl whipped around and glared daggers at the other occupant of the table, who shrank back in fear. “You— ! Answer my question properly!”

Emmanuel had a half eaten piece of bread hanging from his mouth. He raised his hands in surrender. “Y-YES!”

Of all the noble girls in this world, why was his fiancée the scariest one?!

“What’s your full name? Don’t lie to my face!”

“It’s Emmanuel von Grayford, Ma’am! I swear!”

The boy did not look like he was lying. Either that, or Joe was probably shit at recognizing liars. Or it was Lady Joanna who was lying.

But why would she?!

‘Hey, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but this idiot is prince Emmanuel all right.’ Joe told the villainess.

There was a sound of a muffled sob. Lady Joanna was silently crying in her head. Joe was torn between bashing her head into the table and trying to console the distraught villainess. She couldn’t exactly offer a tissue to the— err, intangible entity living inside her mind, right?!

“That is not His Highness Prince Emmanuel! I know him. I know his voice and his laughter. I have known Emmanuel for a long, long time. A-And I know all too well…. that this boy is not him..!”

Joe didn’t know what to say.

“This boy is not him…” Lady Joanna continued to sniffle quietly, “He may look exactly like Emmanuel, he might be dressed like Emmanuel, but this is not him…. This is not the person I love!”

Frankly, Joe thought that Niel, with all his juvenile tendencies, was infinitely better than the murderer Prince of Lady Joanna’s dreams. But this wasn’t the time to say those things.

‘Is it because of his personality?’ She tried asking the villainess. Because all things considered, Niel wasn’t exactly what one could call an ideal Prince of an Otome game. His personality was more like the annoying sidekick who keeps popping every now and then to poke fun at everyone around him.

“Th-That’s one of the reasons for sure.” Lady Joanna mumbled uncertainly. “Prince Emmanuel was more reserved, more elegant and much, much more charismatic than this… this silly little brat!”

Whoa! That description indeed sounded like the fan-favourite Prince Emmanuel that Joe had seen in the video game!

The girl turned her attention back at the ‘silly little brat’ sitting in front of her. Now that she’d remembered the bits and pieces from the game, Niel indeed resembled the second prince. No, it wasn’t mere resemblance— he had the exact same face and exact hairstyle— the soft blond locks hanging messily over his blue eyes.

It just so happened that the person possessing that same handsome face was currently a harmless idiot.

Niel flicked a finger on her forehead. “Would you stop staring at me? I know that I’m very handsome and all…” he made a distasteful face, “…but you’re too scrawny for my tastes, Joey.”

‘Joey’ held up a silver fork menacingly. Its sharp, pointy edges gleamed dangerously against the sun. “Oh? Getting too bold, are we?”

“I am always bold in my preferences!” The boy declared, his blue eyes stupidly triumphant. “But you’re really weird, I’m telling you… Why, even Lady Wilhelmina has more elegance and class than you, Joey— ahem, Joanna!”

Joe felt her left eye twitch involuntarily. This brat even had his own secret love affair going on behind the scenes. Was Lady Eleanor aware of her naïve little brother’s little trysts?

Joe huffed. “Well, you can go fool around with your Lady love. I am sure she has longer hair and fancier dresses— that she prettily shows off for you when you have your lovely little escapades.”

No, wait-- ! She was getting derailed from the matter at hand!

Niel gave a strange look. “What? ‘Course not, you idiot. Lady Wilhelmina doesn't wear dresses… She’s a bubblebird!”

What?!

Did the second Prince just imply that she had less class than a frigging bubblebird?!

Wait! On second thought— wasn’t this the same bubblebird that had ditched Niel and Wicksie on their way to the Grimm Canyon?

“Ah, so you’re having a love affair with your pet bubblebird, huh? What a sad little prince.”

Niel stuck out his tongue at her. “Excuse you, I’m very popular with ladies!”

Joe could only raise a disbelieving eyebrow.

So, he had the appearance of a prince, the maturity of a child, and the heart of a playboy. Joe made a face. Such a heartthrob! Such a flawless concoction of a human being! Gracie would swoon right into his slender arms if she were here.

Joe slumped back into her seat in exasperation.

Still, all things considered, this outcome was infinitely better than any scenario she’d imagined in her mind. Although she’d rather die than admit it out loud, stupid Niel’s obnoxious stupidity and stupid smile always comforted her in a strange kind of way. Joe had met many, many people in this magical land of Triciella, but it was this dopey, tactless boy who made her feel at ease. He’d let his mouth run off without a care in the world, while Joe had to pause and plot and carefully sift through the words of every single person she met so far.

She supposed it came with the privileges of being a Prince. But Niel never did treat her any different than he’d treat anyone else. He’s never held her to high expectations like Lady Patricia, never gushed around her like Lucia, never kept shady secrets like Nero, and never judged her for her position as the firstborn of Winsten family. There was no pretending around him, Joe thought fondly, he was just a normal teenage boy doing normal teenage-boy-things.

“Stop smiling like an idiot, it’s gross!”

Joe instantly wiped the grin off her face.

“What’re you thinking of anyway?” Niel stared at her. His blue eyes were crinkling in amusement as a dumb grin stretched upon his lips.

“Are you jealous of my blueberry scones? I bet you wish that you could live here and eat them every day!”

Joe valiantly schooled her expression into polite disinterest.

“Has anyone ever told you that when you smile like that, you make a very punchable face, your Highness?”

“My cousin did, yes.” Emmanuel nodded sagely. “He even punched me! Of course, I punched him right back afterwards!”

Joe looked up heavenwards and prayed for strength. Talking to this guy was like a dog twisting around trying to catch its tail.

Niel held up a piece of cake as a peace offering. “I know, Joey. Sometimes, I hate cousins too…”

--------------------------------------------

Joe needed some intel. Some good ol’ intel, which might explain this sudden discrepancy between the Emmanuel in Lady Joanna’s memory, and the Emmanuel currently sitting in front of her. Something was definitely wrong, and the girl silently mulled over the inkling of an idea forming in her head.

“So, Emmanuel.” Joe laced her fingers together. “Were you born in Triciella?”

“Duh!” Niel graced her with one of his patented looks of impatience. “Where else would I be born?”

“Uhh… well, y’know…?”

‘Somewhere— like a completely different world with cars and trains and modern apartments’, was what she wanted to say.

“You sure that you haven’t ever been to a— err, different world, or something?” Joe tried.

The boy prince blinked innocently.

“Of course not! Have you hit your head somewhere on your way here, Joey?”

Joe groaned in frustration. This was impossible. This was going nowhere! Yet, she was pretty certain that Emmanuel— no this person currently posing as Emmanuel von Grayford was an outsider to the video game world. It was the only thing that could explain the mysterious change of behaviour from the charismatic (murderer) prince of Triciella.

She licked her lips thoughtfully. “Did something weird happen to you in your childhood?”

“E-Eh?”

“Try to remember, Niel! Do you have memories of a place that doesn’t belong here?”

“W-Well, you see, Joey … my childhood isn’t exactly the most—”

Joe leaned forward into his space with hopeful eyes. “Tell me! Tell me anything you remember!”

Niel blanched in the face of her enthusiasm. What was wrong with her?! Was Joey constipated? Was it a nasty stomachache? He didn’t quite understand, but hey--! At least he had a kind and magnanimous heart! There was no way Niel would abandon this girl to her miserable fate!

“Err, I know a very nice doctor, if you want… ehehehe.”

"......"

Apparently, it was the wrong thing to say.

Joe grabbed hold of the boy’s collar and shook him angrily. “The hell’s wrong with you?! Here I am, trying to have a serious conversation— it’s a matter of life and death! And you, you utter tactless fool— !”

Matter of life and death?!

Niel paled. Just how bad was the constipation?!

Someone chose that exact moment to clear their throat behind them.

Instantly, Joe let go of his collar and squeezed back into her seat. Drats! She had let her guard down! Did anybody see that?! Was the person going to report her to the palace, accusing her of manhandling the kingdom’s prince?!

The person in question turned out to be someone she knew already.

Joe gaped at the slouching man standing in front of her. He had the same deadbeat expression and languid pose that she’d remembered from the night before yesterday.

There’s no mistake! “Wick—”

Wicksie silently held up a finger to his lips.

Then he bowed low in one swift motion.

“Shawn Wicksmann, Captain of the Guards and His Highness Prince Emmanuel’s personal bodyguard. It’s an honour to meet you, my Lady.”

Joe blinked.

She slowly opened and closed her mouth like a fish, and finally settled for a nod.

“Uh, likewise.”

Sometimes she forgot that Wicksie was a man of only strictly necessary few words.

“Where the devil have you been?!” Niel hollered at his bodyguard, looking every bit like a child throwing tantrums and nothing like a Prince. “You should be protecting me from brutes like her!”

“She is your fiancée.” Wicksie— err, Shawn Wicksmann coolly reminded his Master, “Am I supposed to protect you from your fiancée?”

“I am just a delicate noble Lady.” Joe threw in, batting her eyelashes for good measure.

“Tch, some delicate noble Lady you are…”

The young prince mumbled something about bandit-killers and scary stalkers, before turning his attention back to the cakes. He probably had the attention span of a goldfish. Nothing about this boy screamed ‘Potential Murderer’ to Joe,

Joe stealthily sneaked a glance towards his bodyguard. How long had he been standing here? Did he not notice that she was being terribly rude to his lord?

As if on cue, Shawn turned his head and met her eyes. There was an unmistakable look of ‘I-don’t-get-paid-enough-to-deal-with-this-shit’ on his face.

Prime bodyguard material, this one….

But right now, there was another elephant in the room.

Namely— Shawn Wicksmann himself. As far as her top-secret nightly trip was concerned, he was as much of a troublesome witness as Niel, and possibly a much sharper tool in the drawer. Fooling him would be nigh impossible.

To make matters worse, the bodyguard was currently staring at her with an inscrutable look on his face.

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Joe squirmed in her seat. “Is something the matter, Wick— err, Mister Shawn?”

Niel snorted from his place. “Pfft! ‘Mister Shawn’ she says…”

His ‘delicate fiancée’ threw a venomous glare at him.

“Nothing’s the matter, milady.” Shawn drawled lazily. Truth to be told, he had been wondering about his young master’s fiancée ever since the engagement was decided. Emmanuel was tactless, brash, immature and a tad too loud for his liking, but the young lord had an honest heart and unwavering integrity, which was a lot more than what he could say about most nobles in this kingdom.

Shawn would probably take this secret to his grave, but if there was one noble he was willing to bet his entire future for— it was Emmanuel von Grayford.

His young Master deserved a Lady who would love him for who he was.

Shawn Wicksmann didn’t know too much about women. And he knew even less about Emmanuel’s tastes in women. All he knew was that the boy prince was something of a sucker for pretty faces and coy smiles. You couldn’t blame him, really. No matter what anyone expected of him, he was just a pubescent boy who wanted some attention from the fairer sex. Teenage infatuation and all that….

So this morning, when he’d stumbled upon the rather amusing scene of his Master being throttled by a familiar little lady, Shawn did not know what to make of it. A part of him wanted to intervene, but several years of fighting in the frontlines of the battlefield had sharpened his sense of danger. And right now, he did not sense any ill-will from the girl in front of him.

Rather, it looked like his Master had successfully driven her crazy.

Nope, nothing out of ordinary after all…

Shawn Wicksmann, like the level-headed warrior he was, simply decided to stand back and let destiny take its own path.

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Joe leaned back in her seat and mulled over the strange turn of events. Did this meeting go as planned? Obviously not. Was she still afraid of the video game’s ‘Prince Emmanuel von Grayford’ who would end up causing her demise? Yes, very much so. Was she afraid of Niel? Not exactly. Did she trust him completely? No way… Did she still want go back home to her original world? Yes way!

So in conclusion, had her primary objective changed?

The answer was a resounding no.

The future was not actually set in stone, Joe realized gleefully. This time, she actually had a non-zero chance to survive!

“You’re staring again, you stalker.” Niel pointed out irritably. “Honestly, I thought that you were plenty crazy last night! Today, it seems like your craziness has gone off charts!”

Truth to be told, he was still worried about her constipation. But the boy wisely decided to keep his well-meaning concerns to himself.

“Last night, huh? What were the two of you doing out there anyway?” Joe needed more information. If she was lounging around in the Royal gardens eating free food, might as well make most of it.

Shawn looked like he wanted her to stop her, but Niel perked up visibly. The prince dragged his chair closer to Joe, looking like an excited child who’d been asked about his first day at school. Joe realized that he’d been itching to boast about his nightly adventures, but there hadn’t been any potential candidates so far.

Right now, he was positively trembling with delight.

“You wouldn’t believe what I saw, Joey!”

Joe, who had long given up trying to correct the boy, raised a curious eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Shawn an’ I had already crossed the edge of Sandora by the first light of dawn. From there, we walked all the way to edge of the mainland— right till the vast land of Whitemare!” Niel’s eyes lit up happily. “That place was surreal, Joey! I never knew that something like it could exist in Triciella! It was barren white land and endless stretches of salt as far as eyes could see!”

“A salt desert middle of nowhere?” Joe had read bits and pieces of information about that mysterious place. Those plains were scorching hot in the peak of summer— completely barren and inhospitable.

“Whitemare lies right next to the Southwestern coast of the Fallian Sea” Shawn explained to her. “There’s a natural shallow basin that lies beyond the coastline. Once upon a time, the Dunis river emptied into the Fallian Sea right across the basin. Over the decades, the river shifted its course further up north, and the area became drier. It turned into the vast expanse of a desert that you see today.”

“During the high tides, the seawater swells up, flooding the plain lands of Whitemare. In summers, the standing water evaporates… and you get layers upon layers of white salt, glistening under the scorching desert sun.”

Joe stared at the bodyguard in wonder. “You do know your stuff, huh?”

“Maybe.” Shawn turned away quietly. “I had been fighting at the borders for a long time. I know these places like the back of my hand, my Lady.”

Joe suddenly remembered Nero’s words back at the entrance of Sandora. The person standing in front of her was no ordinary young man— he was Triciella’s infamous ‘Shawn the wicked’.

“Ahhh, enough about that!” Emmanuel’s whine was loud and impatient. He did not care about the technicalities, it seemed. Then his eyes promptly lit up even more, if it was possible. The boy leaned in towards Joe, whispering conspiratorially. “I haven’t even told you about the best part yet!”

Joe took a leisurely sip of her tea. “Best part?”

The boy prince flashed a triumphant grin. “I saw the fairies in Whitemare!”

Joe almost spat out her tea all over his expensive vest.