Around the corner from Yuri’s cave was another incline that continued up the mountain side. I ran up it, Spaceball in hand, tripping a few times on loose gravel.

The scream came in bursts about thirty seconds apart. It was a strange scream, high-pitched yet guttural. A disgusting sound, really, and one I absolutely couldn’t ignore.

I trampled through a copse of trees to find myself on a flat, rocky outcropping jutting out over Bangwilly forest. It was almost an exact replica of the outcropping I killed the mountain screamer on. The programmers probably just copied and pasted the thing a couple times along the mountainside—lazy coders. The only difference was the expanded view and the lack of an ominous crevice in the mountain wall—thank the Lynn Ella gods, no sphincter-face spider here.

I found Yuri standing in the center of the outcropping. Her MOD stood beside her, silent, bearing a large sack on his back. His eyes were dark, like hers, his head blank and cocked to the side. They’d both donned long, brown, hooded robes reminiscent of something from the Star Wars wardrobe department.

“Hey,” I said, putting my Spaceball away and coming into the clear. “I heard screaming. Is everythi—holy shit-tits! What is that?”

Standing on the edge of the outcropping, a creature I couldn’t quite identify, looked at me and let out a hideous scream.

I jumped backwards.

It stood on two hooved legs, had tiny T-Rex hooves for arms, and a pair of big feathered, white wings. It’s goat-like head looked a bit slack and way too big for its body.

“That would be Susie,” said Yuri. “He’s a Baph-o-larm.”

“Who’s this bich?” said the goat-thing in a squeaky growl, motioning with one of its tiny hooves at me.

“Oh it talks,” I said.

“This is Jack,” said Yuri to the goat. “He’s a … he’s not a security concern. You don’t have to worry about him. Not that you worry much about anything anyway.”

The goat looked me up and down, itching it’s eye with its tongue. “Bitch looks like a diarrhea stain on the front lawn.”

“Wow,” I said, looking at Yuri, then down my gut-encrusted, green outfit. I nodded, shrugged. “Well, you’re not wrong.”

The goat let out another uproarious scream. It was so unexpected, so abrupt I stumbled back and put my hands up. “Why is it doing that?” I said. “Does it have Tourettes or something?”

“He’s my alarm goat,” said Yuri. “But apparently he feels … underappreciated at the moment.”

“You have an alarm goat? What does that even mean?”

The goat looked at me. “Shut up, green bean, no one asked you.”

“When you hit six months,” said Yuri, ignoring the goat’s comment, “you can get a limited, secondary profession. I chose to be an Aerial Surveillance Expert because it came with a security system. I just didn’t know that system came in the form of an expensive, unreliable, screaming goat-thing.”

“I told you, girl,” said Susie. “I ain’t responsible for yesternight. I didn’t get my daily coin. That’s not on me.”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“I’m out of coins, Susie,” said Yuri. “I thought we had a deal: I’d get you more next time I went to Rockwallow and you’d continue to work until then.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “I have so many questions. Your goat’s name is Susie?”

The goat snorted at me. “Have a problem with my name, bitch?”

“Nah,” I said. “I think it’s a ... cute name.”

The goat looked at Yuri and pointed a tiny hoof at me. “Is this bitch making fun of my name?”

Yuri shook her head and waved the question away. “Look, Susie. We’re heading to Rockwallow right now, possibly staying there a few days. I promise to bring you back some coins. A whole bag of them. Okay? But until then I need you to scout out a new location for the garden somewhere on the mountain and keep an eye on my cave. Will you do that for me?”

The goat considered for a moment, scratching his pot belly.

“Here,” I said, pulling my reward chest out of my inventory. I opened it up and gave him my three coins.

The goat grabbed them with his teeth with no questions or hesitation and slipped them into a tiny pouch on a belt hidden under his thick, white fur.

“I’ll watch over your cave but I need a little something-something extra if you want me to do some scouting,” said Susie.

Yuri sighed and threw her hands in the air. She was about to counter the goat when I held up my hand.

“I got this,” I said, and turned to the goat. I cleared my throat. “Susie, do you like apples?” I pulled a fresh red one out.

Susie looked back and forth between my face and the apple for a minute. Then it took a tentative step forward, sniffing.

“You can have it if you do what the lady wants and scout for a spot.”

Susie licked his lips then snatched the apple from my fingers, nipping the tip of my thumb.

“Ouch,” I said, popping my thumb into my mouth. I watched the goat chomp. “Yeah, you like that? There’s plenty more where that came from.”

Yuri gave me an unreadable look, lowering her eyebrows. She was about to say something when the goat screamed again. We both jumped back and I saw her lose her train of thought.

“Alright,” said Susie, opening his wings. “You got me for three days. I’ll find you a new place to grow your weird people sacks.”

“Ah, there we go,” I said. “Good goat.” I reached out to pet the beast, but it twitched away from me, his eyes wide and awkward.

“Bitch, keep yo hands to yo-self,” he said, apple chunks spilling out of his face.

I smiled, stepped back, and looked at Yuri. “I think it likes me.”

The goat gave us both an appraising glance before it let out a final scream and fell backwards off the edge of the cliff.

I hurried forward to watch him soar away. “Huh,” I said. “That was … interesting.”

“He’s an asshole but he’s handy, when he’s not demanding more pay,” said Yuri.

A notification popped up. I pulled it up on my Notifications Tab.

Notification

Congratulations.

You just made your first transaction: Additional time for Yuri2’s alarm system.

You have earned one experience point.

Susie the Baph-o-larm—oh, what a creature. Baph-o-larms make for great security systems as long as you keep them well paid, well fed, or well sexed. If you don’t have money or food, well, then you might be screwed … get it? Anyone? Anyone? Too early? Screw you.

“You know, Yuri,” I said, watching the goat disappear into the clouds. “I was thinking about something last night. And it might be a bit too early to mention this since we only just met but I might have an easy solution to your gardening problem.”

Yuri raised an eyebrow “What do you mean?”

“As a Spacialist, I have what's called a Greenhouse Room where I can grow things undisturbed. Or at least I will once I get more experience points. You’re more than welcome to use it so you don’t have to put up with, you know, crap like that.” I pointed over my shoulder.

I didn't think she'd go for it since she was a bit touchy with her organs and such, but I thought I'd offer all the same. I didn't see myself using the room for anything anytime soon.

She made a “hmm” noise and nodded, considering. Then she took a deep breath. “Well, you ready to go to Rockhollow?”

I shrugged and pulled out two apples, tossed her one. “After that, I think I’m ready for just about anything.”