The body spilled down the slope encased in goo like an oversized egg yoke. I half-expected the man to stand any moment and pick up where the last one failed, but he didn’t. The body just kept oozing down, a lump of wasted potential.

My rock cluster hid me well, but it wouldn’t for much longer. I had to move and I needed a plan. I whipped open my interface for inspiration.

There were only five potions left. Two were health related, and the other three didn’t look helpful. One was an emergency nutrient guzzle in case I ran out of food or water for an extended period. I didn’t see the value until LES informed me, back at Gruda’s, that my nutrient drip in the real world only clicked on while actively consuming food or water in the game. That would have been a nice little fact going into this. The other two potions were acid drips—great for burning holes but only through metal.

I could really use one of those Crunch Grenades right now but it wasn't going to happen. It still cost 14 more experience points and I had 10 to divvy up. I quickly applied them all to Crunch Grenades anyway; it only took a sec—

Wait.

The Spaceball. Where was the Spaceball?

It didn’t show up in my Abilities tab. Instead, I found it tucked away in my inventory in a random box about 19 rows down.

Weird. That was slightly inconvenient.

I pulled it out. It looked and felt exactly like a transparent baseball. I tested it, pressing it to stone. Immediately, the rock disintegrated, sending particles floating away in the breeze. It was like pushing through falling sand.

“Come out, come out and play,” came the gruff voice. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

I huffed a breath, nodded, then clenched my teeth, my free fist, and just about everything else there was to clench on my body.

“Here we go,” I whispered to myself.

“I can smell you, you know, you little huma—Ah! There you are!”

I stood and faced the creature. He was about ten feet up the hill, arms wide, weapon dripping, and teeth bared.

“Hey, Porky,” I yelled.

The Hog snorted.

“Catch!”

I cocked my arm back. But just as I did, another naked man slammed into the piggy from out of nowhere. They both splashed into the goo of the eviscerated pod and slimed down the slope, tumbling over each other.

Jeez, how many of these naked pod people were up here?

Now was my chance.

I slipped the Spaceball back in my inventory and booked it up the mountain. If only there was a potion to make me faster. As I ran, I passed by another pod, then another—both of which held the remnants of slaughtered bodies. I trampled right through a third pod, or the remains of one, at least, that had long ago dried up and shriveled.

The incline flattened out, opening onto a clearing void of trees. Large boulders packed in dirt were the dominant features on this part of the mountain. I all but collapsed against one, resting my hands on my knees.

And that’s when I saw her.

I rubbed sweat out of my eyes and blinked. She was lying prone on a flat rock that jutted out over the slope—right on the very edge, looking down at the whole scene below. She had a perfect view of everything. The girl, at least I thought she was a girl, looked small. Was she small enough to be a Gnome? I couldn’t tell from this angle. I had to get closer.

The sun was nearing the horizon now, painting a deep red across the mountain side. After my lungs settled, I navigated through the jungle gym of broken boulders until I had her in earshot. She hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Hey, Gilda?” I said, in the loudest whisper possible. “Is that yo—oh nope. You’re not a Gnome.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

The girl jerked her head around at me, mouth agape. Her black hair was plastered to the side of her head with dried blood and her eyes were—holy shit, they were glowing.

For a moment she just stared at me, then her eyes faded to normal. I could tell she was Asian. Korean maybe? She pulled a knife from her belt and pointed it at me. I recognized that knife. It was the same one I’d gotten when I first arrived. I looked at her pants. They were white and fitted, a stark contrast to the leather poncho she had on.

“Hey, you’re a prisoner too,” I said. “I knew there were others, but I didn’t … ” Something clicked in my mind as I recalled one of the profession descriptions I’d read the night before. “You’re a Flesh Gardener, aren’t—”

A figure slid down a boulder and landed right behind us with a thud. I jumped back, and the girl jolted. Her quick reaction was just enough to make her lose her grip on the precipice and she tumbled over the edge.

My eyes went wide and my heart sank.

“Well that was easy,” said the new Hog-Goblin, snorting a greasy laugh.

He was about ten feet away and looked nearly identical to the first hog I'd met. Only this one was taller and skinnier, dressed in red colored padded armor.

“These mountains are off limits to your kind,” he said. He stocked forward and pointed a finger at me, his grin widening with every step. “You’re not protected here. And you know what that means?”

I pulled my Spaceball out just as the hog broke into a run. I threw it … and missed. It sailed right over the ugly bastard’s head and out of sight.

The hog-goblin halted, stunned. He looked over his shoulder then back at me with a raised eyebrow.

I sighed, and a notification popped up and quickly disappeared without a prompt from me.

Notification

LES Commentary

Wow. Now that was a shitty throw. No wonder you never played sports in high school.

The hog-goblin blinked, shrugged, then sprinted at me again.

I panicked and pulled an acid potion just as the hog body-slammed me into the ground. The potion flew, breaking against a rock.

The hog-goblin cackled as he pinned me down on my back, straddling me. I struggled to buck him off, but he swung a fist through my jaw and pressed a knee in my chest to hold me down. To my credit, the dude was much bigger than I was.

He lifted a blade above his head and I was suddenly hit with a hot and heavy spray of blood right in the face. At the same time something slammed into my palm so fast it made my hand go numb.

The hog, who still had his arm cocked up over his head, paused. He looked confused. Slowly, he looked down at himself, blinking, to find a near perfect, baseball-sized hole directly through his belly.

Oh yeah. The Spaceball had a boomerang effect, that’s right.

He let out a squeal of finality and flopped on top of me.

I was out from under him and on my feet seconds later, running to where the girl fell. I slid to the edge of the rock and looked down. There she was, directly below in a heap about a dozen feet below. There was no easy way to get to her, so I made my way around as fast as I could. I already had my last consumable healing potion in my hand before I got to her.

There was new blood mixed with the dried patch down the side of her head, but she was still breathing. I propped open her mouth and poured in the piss flavored concoction.

She choked and sputtered, then her eyes shot open. She looked up at me, blinking, then scrambled away. She turned around, her eyes tight slits. I could see a hint of Chinese or Korean in them now.

She looked up at the rock then back at the empty potion vial in my hand.

“Did you just … heal me?”

I was about to respond with something like, “Hey, you know it, anytime,” but her eyes suddenly went wide.

“The Hog!” she said, picking up her knife and turning around.

“Got ‘em. Don’t worry.” I said, tossing the empty vial over my shoulder.

“Seriously?” she said.

I couldn't tell if she was impressed or incredulous.

“Go see for yourself,” I said, pointing up.

Notification

Congratulations!

You killed a Hog-Goblin Mountain Trooper. Hey, you’re on a roll today. Half man half piggy, these greasy bastards are known for not playing nice with others. They like to cheat, steal, and trick people into slavery so they can sell them for a profit. They also like to kill things, like, a lot just for the fun of it.

You’ve earned three experience points.

You’ve earned a “Pig Slaughter Reward Chest.” Since you are a Spacialist, we’ve slipped it into your Small Inventory for you. You’re welcome!

I rubbed my sore jaw as another notification popped up.

Notification

Congratulations!

You’ve unlocked a special feature.

Special Feature: Background Music.

Now, whenever you do something worth watching, dramatic music will switch on. Planning to take a long journey where you stare out over the moonlit waters contemplating how big of a loser you are? How about some Enya? Get yourself in another awkward fight? What better than Survivor’s 1982 hit, “Eye of the Tiger?” Find yourself about to finally lose your virginity as a twenty-six year old man-boy? Then how about … oh, nevermind. Sorry about that. We don’t have anything for that contingency given the chances of it happening are less than 0.0034%. Don’t worry, nobody except you can hear the music. So enjoy it while you can.

I looked up and saw the girl disappear around the corner.

“Hey,” I said. “Wait up!”