January 2022

It's 8 pm. I'll be 33 years old in 3 hours. I'm cold, heartless and direct. That's what my husband says. I have overheard him saying that at a party, where all the high class was. I didn't throw a tantrum. I didn't said anything. I didn't make a scene. Instead I started to draft the divorce papers in case I needed them.

I'm classy. I'm always prepared but not ready.

If you compromise you will get a good marriage, at least that is what my mother told me all my childhood. But marriage for me is like standing on a cliff. You will never know what pushes you to fall. All you need is a push and suddently you are in the water.

We live together in a house in Seol that we bought before we got married. But now I'm alone. I miss him even if he didn't come at home for the last four days.

Do-yun:''I need some time alone''

And I need some time with you. This is what I forgot to say to him when he started to pack some of his stuff. I miss the taste of his lips, I miss the taste of him, his smell, his arms. I want him, but he doesn't want me right now. It's just a temporary thing. He will start missing me anytime soon. I know that.

I went to stay in the bathtube to clear my thoughts. I have a fantasy where I go the hotel he is staying all naked having only one coat on me and some high heels. But, I can't. The warmth of the water that I've drained a couple of minues ago, makes all fade away. No fantasies, no problems, no worries, no mistakes, no need to make up things.

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He will come back.

I'm starting to say the affirmations that my therapist told me to do.

Right now, everything is so quiet

Right now I'm loved and safe

Right now I'm.....

Knock, knock:

I open my eyes and I take my black silk robe and I head to the door. I put some lipstick before I open it. Is another boquet of flowers from my husband saying that ''I miss you''.

This is the 3 bouqet that I've received today from him. But, he still doesn't show up. This ''I need some time alone'' makes me feel anxious. The other 2 are already in the bin, and I want to smash the 3 to the ground too.

But this one seems to be different. There are no roses, just wolfsbanes. This one smells like hope and ''I'm coming home sooner than you think''.

I can't throw them away if he says he is missing me for the 3 time today. They stay because he wants to stay. I can give him that.

I put myself some red wine in a glass and I head it to our bedroom. There it was. A bed, a lamp and me. This is the composure of our room tonight. I look around to find a happy memory to put me back to sleep, and all I do is look at the door.

I've convinced myself that after 10 minutes I have to turn the lights off and go to sleep. But all that I do is think ...I'm not a bad wife, right?

How can he sleep alone in the bed without having me besides?

How cruel this is...

I want this marriage to work.

He is the only one who still knows me. And I am the one that still knows him.

I know I'm on the edge of the cliff right now. But, all I have is hope to survive.