Contrary to what Esther says in The Bell Jar, I know what I'm looking for in New York. I just don't know which way to go, because this is not, contrary to appearances, a travel plan. This is an escape plan. Everybody dreams of this plan at some point in their life, I've dreamed of it all my life. I never thought I would run this far away, but somehow I ended up here. Now I feel lost, I just know where I am.

I also don't know exactly where I am. Yes, I can send my location to anyone who asks me where I am. But when I step out of this hotel, the comforting breath of freedom leaves me very quickly. When I take a new breath, the anxiety of "What am I going to do now?" suffocates my lungs. Still, I must find a way to stay here permanently. Only then can I find a way to breathe regularly.

After breakfast, with all my thoughtful and resentful expression, I tell John at the reception desk that I want to rent an apartment.

"Ma'am, are you a US citizen or are you just here for sightseeing?" he asks with a pitying look on his face.

You seem to already know the answer, John. And you don't need to pity me. When the number of people who pity me doubles, my anger doubles. Here, the other person feeling sorry for me is me.

"I only have a tourist visa, I'm not a citizen."

He purses his lips in distress, "I think you need a social security number to rent a house here. Even if you're not a US citizen, you need a work and residence permit. So unfortunately, ma'am, I guess you can't rent a house."

I guessed this would be the case, more than guessed. I had done some research before I came, but I still hoped that when I got here I could somehow work things out. I can't live here illegally. I can't risk that much, that's for sure. But I can't stay in a hotel for six months. Especially when I don't know what I'll be going through at the end of six months. Let's say I survive the first six months, what am I going to do when I go back?

Anyway, I don't want to think about that.

While I am in this pessimism, John calls me from behind: "Ma'am, would you like to stay in a house while you are here as a tourist?"

My eyes shine, I turn around and approach John and quietly say, "Yes, of course. I'm not seeking asylum here, I just want to stay in a house instead of a hotel for six months. It would be nice to cook for myself in the evenings, you know?"

He speaks quietly as if he understands why I am speaking quietly: "Oh, I love cooking. Ma'am, then you should look at Airbnb. There you can find a lot of people who would be willing to rent you a room for a while. New York is an expensive city, I'm sure there are some people looking for a rental partner."

Why didn't I think of that? After traveling all over Europe with Airbnb, why didn't I think of that in the US? I know the answer to that question. Because I had never traveled abroad alone before. I had always made plans for two people. I found the tickets, he planned the route and the accommodation.

That's another thing I don’t want to think about.

Before I call John by his name, I look at his name badge and make sure his name is John. "John, thank you. Please call me Meryem from now on, or even easier, call me Mary. Because the more you call me ma'am, the harder it is for me to ask you for a favor."

John opens his eyes a little and looks at me, I try not to laugh at his expression, but we are still whispering, "But Miss, I am here to help you, so there is no harm in asking me for something."

He's right, from his point of view. I'm right too, in my own way. "John, I need a friend. Please don't make this hard for me."

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Another guest approaches John in a very demanding manner. John gestures for me to leave. I also take this as a sign that our friendship has begun, and for me it's a sign that I need to take a step on my own in New York. I am not alone here. And I have a lot of work to do.

I know where to take the first step. I need to find a place to stay. I can look for a place on airbnb while having a cold drink.

I take my computer from the room and go to the only place I know where I can have a drink in this city yet, Moonpie.

I walk in, my eyes searching for Ezra. I'm looking for a familiar face, but since he left late last night, he might not be here today. The bar is almost empty anyway. If it serves like a cafe at this time of the day and it's empty, maybe the coffee is bad. When Georgie sees me, he smiles slightly and gives me a nod. Ezra is not the only one I should thank, of course. I walk over to him.

"Georgie, thank you. For the other night.”

From behind the bar, a beautiful red-haired woman in a mini skirt, thin black stockings, white shirt and black stilettos with red soles comes from behind the bar and takes Georgie's arm. She puts on a suggestive smile and looks at me and says, "What are you thanking Georgie for, I don't follow?"

Does she work in this bar like this? Isn't that too formal to work in a bar?

Georgie said there was no one here but Ezra and the two of them, but still...

I don't know how to explain, but Georgie plants a kiss on her cheek and says, "Honey, you have nothing to be jealous about. This lady fainted here last night. Me and Ezra just helped her. Ezra did most of the work," and then he turns to me, "But you're welcome, are you feeling better?"

This quick explanation puts my mind at ease. " Oh, who knows how many times you have to make these kinds of explanations when you run a bar. My way of speaking was wrong though, it's normal that you misunderstood. I apologize very much. Don't worry, I am much better."

A smile of compassion appears in the woman's eyes, she holds out her hand and says, "I'm Kate. I'm Georgie's wife. Just like you said, so many women approach this big belly that I can hardly resist writing "MARRIED" on his forehead..."

I laugh when I imagine Georgie with "MARRIED" written on his forehead, I extend my hand to the woman "I'm Meryem, I'm staying at the hotel next door."

Kate invites me to another table from the one I was sitting at. I go to my desk, take my computer and go to Kate's desk. As soon as I sit down, she brings her head closer to me so that it is directly opposite my head. When there are a few inches between our faces, I look out of the corner of my eye for Georgie to save me. I can't see him. God, I can't see anything but Kate's green eyes. Kate pulls her head back a little and this time she looks under my eyes as if she's examining me with her finger. God, really, she's examining me.

I snap out of my frozen state, " Uh, what are you doing right now?"

She holds up her index finger as if to say "one". "Honey, don't be scared, I'm a neurologist. Please follow my finger with your eyes."

I involuntarily do what he says, but as I do, I try to speak to explain myself, "There's no need for that..."

She speaks the words in a whisper and stretches them out a bit, "Shh, don't talk, just do what I say."

I do what she says. I follow a finger going up and down, left and right.

"I don't think there's anything important according to this examination, but if you come to the clinic we can do some tests."

"Kate, thank you, but there's nothing wrong with me. I just had low sugar, I've been hungry and tired for a long time, and I'm sure it's nothing neurological."

She wrinkles her nose. As if condescending, "How can you be sure of that? Are you a medical doctor?"

A twist of fate. I had completely forgotten my profession for days. "Yes, I am a medical doctor."

As if she hadn't just made a blunder, she changes the subject, "So what are you doing in the hotel next door? Are you here for a convention?"

Georgie leaves me a beer and Kate a cup of coffee. I don't understand why he didn't bring me coffee. When Kate sees my expression of surprise, she explains, "This is Georgie's own beer. He doesn't like to talk much, but since he offered it to you, you should drink it. He must like your energy."

I smile, "Thanks." I take a sip of my beer. "I'm not here for work, in fact I'm here for good. Looks like I'm going to quit being a doctor."

She pauses while sipping her coffee, "Isn't it hard to leave something so hard to achieve? I guess I can never leave all this work aside."

I sigh and bow my head. "I mean, it's not easy. But it might have to be."

Realizing that the subject is upsetting me, she changes the subject again, "So where did you come from?"

"I came from Turkey." As I'm talking, I see Ezra pass by, he's going to the bar. My eyes follow his movements. Georgie hands him his apron. When he puts it on and turns around, we lock eyes. I smile.

He comes to our table. "I guess you haven't recovered from jetlag. You want herbal tea when everyone else is drinking beer. You drink beer when people drink tea and coffee."

"Ha-ha." Does such a handsome man have to be so annoying? I take a big gulp of my beer, looking him in the eye.

"Oh, so it's not jetlag. It's just your general nastiness." He takes his place behind the bar.

Kate checks the time. She gets up, thinking she'll be late. I decide to ignore Ezra, say goodbye to Kate, turn on my computer, select my location on Airbnb and start looking for a room to rent.

After a few very expensive and luxurious apartments, I find an average-priced, average-looking apartment very close to me that seems to be quite clean. Before I rent it, I send a message to make sure that everything suits me.

"Hi, this is Meryem. I came from Turkey on a tourist visa for six months. I think your apartment is suitable for me, is there anything preventing me from renting a room for six months? Can I use the kitchen when I rent the room? Do you have certain conditions for entry and exit? Do you have a pet? I would be very happy if you answer my questions. Thank you."

I press send. My first step perhaps depends on the answer to this message.