For a few days now Ezra has been going to the bar every day. I've been going with him some days too. I actually like this job a lot because I'm not stuck at home, I'm not trying to find my way through unfamiliar streets by myself. I'm a person who has a hard time socializing on my own, so I like seeing different types of people here. Sometimes bands come for live music, it gets very crowded in those evenings. I can't say I work there, because I don't have a work permit and I don't want to get caught, but I sit among the customers and sometimes I go behind the bar and help with a few small jobs.

Tonight is one of those evenings, the bar is very crowded because a bunch of young people come in for live music. I'm sure I and many others don't recognize this band, but after some alcohol all the music is the same. Ezra doesn't agree with me, but he sees things from a different perspective than I do. He can always find a window that is more colorful than mine. I enjoy this side of life with him.

As Ezra walks through the crowded tables with trays full of drinks, his arms in the air, I see the admiring faces of the customers looking at him. I wonder how he managed to stay faithful to Claire in the midst of all this attention. Noticing me watching Ezra and the girls staring at him, Georgie teases me, "Don't worry, Ezra has eyes for no one but you. Once he says he's in a relationship, that's it. He won't betray you."

I lean my elbows on the bar, my hands on my chin, "The first moment I saw Ezra, I admired him, just like those girls watching him right now. I'm just trying to figure out how I got so lucky."

Georgie gets a cute look on her face. He leans his elbows on the bar and rests his hands on his chin like me. "Oh, it's so cute. So tell me, can you take these beers to that table over there?"

I roll my eyes, acting as if I don't like his sarcasm. When he takes the beers and turns around, I smile to myself. I smile because then we look like those unattractive, fresh-faced lovers. I set the beers down on the table. Two of the three girls are engrossed in the band while one seems to be staring at Ezra, collecting the empty bottles. At that moment Ezra and I lock eyes. He winks at me. The girl looking at Ezra takes the gesture in stride. She smiles meaningfully at Ezra and tucks her hair behind her ear.

I feel a warmth in my stomach. I know this feeling. I was like this when my childhood crush chose another girl as his partner in a game... I clear my throat. It's a game again, that's why you feel this way, I tell myself. I've always been a bit competitive. This has nothing to do with Ezra.

Georgie's drying a glass behind the bar. I see a few empty bottles behind the bar. Since they're deposit bottles, I want to take them to the back room to put them in the empty crates. I open the door to the back room and go inside. When I turn on the light, I drop the bottles on the floor in a daze. Ezra and the girl from earlier. Ezra leans her against the wall and kisses her. The girl's hands are inside Ezra's t-shirt... I don't know which detail to look at, what to feel. If Georgie overhears and catches this view, our plan will be ruined. I close the door and say, "Get out," to the girl who stares at me, not realizing what's happening. She obeys this order by saying, "Whatever."

Whatever. I could wrap your hair around my hands and beat the shit out of you, bitch.

I say to Ezra, "What are you doing? You're gonna get us caught! What if it was Georgie who broke in and not me?"

Ezra's fixing his shirt. "Is this gonna be like bondage? I'm gonna put my life in your hands for some money? I'm sick of this game."

I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Is this intensity of emotion because two months before my return, all my plans are going to fall apart? Or is it the burning in my stomach from the scene I just witnessed? I have no answer for Ezra. Georgie bursts into the room, "Oops, sorry."

I walk out of the ajar door under the shamed gaze of Georgie, who seems to think he's interrupting us.

As I walk out of the bar, wiping my tears with my hands, I bump into someone. He's brunette, tall, with long hair. As handsome as can be. Someone I could throw away everything I've accumulated inside me for months and then never look for him again. I grab his arm, whisper, "Follow me," and walk home.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

***

I'm doing something I never thought I'd dare to do in life. I've never even invited the man I thought I'd die of love for into my home before. I'm looking for the real feeling inside me that makes me do now what I thought I'd wait until I was truly in love. But something's getting in the way.

Everything is foggy inside me. All I see are the flames of anger burning in front of my eyes. And my tears don't put out these flames. The man silently following my steps behind me actually disgusts me. It gets on my nerves that he follows a woman he doesn't even know with such animal passion. But I know I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself.

What did I expect? A fairy tale? We'll get married and the American dream will come true? I'll make a nice life for myself here. What a dream.

I go inside the apartment. I leave the apartment door open so the idiot following me can get in. When he's inside, he closes the door behind him. The first thing he does is grab my arm and pull me to him.

The pungent smell of whiskey on his breath makes me pull my head back. He pauses when he realizes I'm trying to free myself from him.

“Well, I thought you wanted this, baby.”

What am I going through, God?

“Yeah, I did, but we can take it slow.” I try to pull away.

He steps aside, lets me walk. I gesture for him to sit down. He takes off his leather jacket and puts it on the other side of the seat. He sits down in the empty seat. From where I'm standing, I stare at him. I imagine this man, in front of my father. What a strange type he seems to him. What a mess of culture. A smile spreads across my face when I think of introducing this man with his pierced eyebrow, the tattoo covering most of his neck and his long hair to my father. The man sees this. He smiles back at me.

“Come here.”

As soon as he speaks, I'm shaken out of my thoughts and the smile fades. What was I thinking inviting this man after me? Would he go if I asked him to leave? If I stall, will he dare to follow me into the room?

“I want to change, can you wait for me?” I head to my room. He nods.

I go to my room. I close the door and lean back. I take a deep breath. It's no big deal. You're just horny. Normally, as a grown woman, you're a little horny. It's a mistake you waited this long. Look, people can do it on bar corners. It's a necessity, like eating. There's no need to make a big deal out of it. Do I want it? Yes, yes, I do.

After a while of convincing myself, I throw my jacket on the bed and leave the room. I don't think he'll ever notice that I haven't changed. His eyes look a little faint. Like he's going to pass out. How should I approach him? Remember the movies you've seen... Oh, how can those women be so flirty? I feel like wood. I'm inanimate. My eye catches the bottle of wine on the table. If I have a glass, maybe I'll feel better. I turn to the man,

“Would you like a glass of wine, ...?” I pause when I realize I don't know his name.

“Martin. My name is Martin. It might be nice to have a drink.”

I pour a glass and down a shot. I pour a second glass and pour one for Martin. I chuckle, “Like Martin Eden?”

“Huh?” he looks at me blankly.

My first time with someone who can't understand literary references? God...

I hand him his glass, “Never mind.”

I sit in the space he's made for me next to him. He takes a sip of wine and grimaces. “I'm not much of a wine person.” He puts his glass on the coffee table. I'm doubled over, glass in my hand. He moves his head closer to me. The smell of whiskey mixed with the smell of wine. I take another sip of my wine, and on this occasion he pulls back a little more. When I lower the glass, he takes it from my hand and puts it on the coffee table.

“In our home! On our couch! How could you do this to me?”

I'm startled by the voice. Martin jumps to his feet. I stand up too. Martin hurriedly grabs his jacket, which is lying next to me.

“Dude, I had no idea. Believe me, I don't like cheating.”

“Get the fuck out of my home!”

Martin flies out of Ezra's side. Ezra starts laughing. “Wow, what a brave man. Couldn't you find someone better?”

“You idiot! I don't ask you who I should be with! How dare you interfere in my life?” Inwardly I'm glad he's coming, but if I let him know, I'll let my guard down.

”Listen, woman, you're my future wife!“

I feel like laughing. “Clown, you're a clown!” I shout, and he grabs my arm as he crosses to my room. Our faces are only an inch apart.

“The couch was one of the restricted areas, otherwise you can fuck whoever you want. Just like I can.”

“I thought you were sick of this game and wanted to end it,” I whisper hatefully through my teeth.

“I said I was sick of it, I didn't say I wanted to end it, and you should be thankful I saved you from that creep.”

I put my hand on his stomach, near his groin. “Why, did you feel a flame of jealousy here?”

A real warmth radiates from my touch to my hand. Slightly flustered by my audacity, I leave him at the door and go to my room. I lock the door.