My confinement to the room quickly became boring. With all the action, management and movement that had to be done recently, to just sit still with nothing to do was a type of torture in and of itself. I wouldn’t even be able to wait it out as we were in the process of looting the fortress for anything that would be of use. That would take a day, maybe two depending on what we find, and then we would burn the rest and move on. At least I was able to get out of my armor, with some effort, so I was a little more comfortable while in my forced confinement.
Despite my punishment and the terms set around it I was still angry. The fort commander had deserved what I had done to him, maybe even worse. Trying to destroy his soul may have been a touch emotional on my part, but maybe tormenting it for a little while would have been an acceptable alternative.
I felt a pinch in my mind as my pocket god applied a little bit of force when they entered my head again. That is not the thoughts of someone who should be repenting their actions.
I don’t see much of a reason why I should. People like him are a plague, and you do whatever you can to kill a disease.
Then you can continue to sit there until you realize why you don’t do those things. There was a pause, and then a sigh. I know that you have a vested interest in their punishment that is skewing your perspective, and it doesn’t help that you haven’t had a full night's sleep in weeks. Why don’t you use that bed for a little while?
The look I gave the simple bed in the corner of the room was one of slight distaste that had no real origin. Sleep was certainly a necessity, but right now I was feeling particularly spiteful. It’s not even close to sundown, how can I possibly sleep right now?
It was only a suggestion, a strong one, but still. A healthy mind and body need rest.
Then they can have it at an appropriate time. I said, confrontationally. My pocket god apparently decided not to argue it any further and simply faded out of my thoughts again, letting me continue my punishment in isolation.
I spent that time alone doing anything but what they had suggested. A lot of time was devoted simply to staring out the small slit window in the side of the room, which didn’t even really provide much of a view as all I could see was a pair of buildings and the wall with only an occasional soldier from our army passing within view. It was terribly dull, but I didn’t want to give any ground in this standoff.
Perhaps a small part of me realized that I was, in fact, being unreasonable, and that I was very tired, but it was being smothered by my drive to act, to do something that would help me win this war. It felt like if I stopped at any point, I was risking death for not only myself but everyone who was depending on my success.
Several hours later, as the sun was touching the horizon and casting the world into an orange hue, a disturbance to my solitude in the form of three knocks on the door got my attention. Before I could even wonder who was at the door, they answered the question for me.
“Sir? It’s Liliana. Are you in there?”
I certainly wasn’t expecting a visit from her of all people. Considering the way she reacted to my actions, I figured that I would be avoided for a while. Whatever reason she had for seeking me out, I couldn’t possibly fathom.
Deciding to find out for myself, I answered her. “Yes, I am. Can I help you with something?”
“If it is alright with you sir, might I come in? I wish to talk to you for a minute.”
That didn’t sound too good. I immediately thought that she might want to resign from her service, but that was fine if she wasn’t comfortable working with us anymore. We could survive without her. The other option was she wished to voice her concerns directly to me, something that I wasn’t as prepared for and frankly did not need right now.
Still, there was no good reason to deny her the right to say what she wanted, so I let her in. I suppose since my intent was not to leave the room my pocket god allowed me to open the door for her. The first few tentative steps she took inside the room once the door had been opened showed that she was nervous, though for what reason I had yet to determine.
“May I sit?” She asked.
I gave a shrug as I sat on the bed, allowing her access to the only chair in the room. “Make yourself comfortable.”
She gave a slight nod before sitting down and getting her robes in order. “Thank you, sir. I'm sorry for visiting so late in the day.”
“It’s fine. I’m not doing anything right now anyway.”
“Yes, that’s actually part of the reason why I am here right now.”
Here we go.
“I just wanted to ask, are you alright?
Okay, not exactly what I was expecting. Once I had recovered from the strange question putting me off balance, I pressed for clarification. “I’m not sure what you mean. ‘Alright’ in what way?”
“Well, I... uhm, I'm not sure how to say it exactly. There have been many things I have noticed. You look paler than before, your eyes are sunken, dark, and I’m not trying to offend, but you smell like death warmed over.”
I blinked a few times as I processed her critique of my physical appearance, but it seemed she wasn’t done. “I’m sorry if that was rude to point out those things, but those were the least of the concerns I have regarding your wellbeing. I knew you had a grudge against the followers for some reason, but I couldn’t have imagined that they had killed your family. Such a thing is an unthinkable tragedy, and while it might not mean a whole lot coming from someone with my background, I give you my deepest sympathies.”
Just as I thought she was wrapping things up, she started again. “However, the way you handled that situation back there, it wasn’t like you. Again, I don’t claim to know you personally enough to consider myself an expert on your moods, but from what I do know, you have changed significantly in these last few weeks. What that man said was cruel, spiteful, and antagonistic, but it still did not warrant an execution. He was doing his job as a soldier, and while his views were horrific, he was not a participant in the poisoning of your people.”
“Sir... Samuel, this path you are taking right now only gets darker the further you travel it. You just killed an innocent, if horrid, man. Where does it end? Will you just execute every soldier you take prisoner? Will the towns that resist your armies advance be burned to the ground? The families murdered for the crime of defending their homes?” She paused for a second, a grim expression touching her face. “Will you eventually cut off my head for trying to stop you?”
That one struck deep, stabbing into my heart and making my chest seize at the very idea. She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, fingers gently rubbing on one another. “I know I cannot dictate the course of another, but I urge you to alter it.” She stood from her seat and gave a small bow of the head. “I have said my piece. The day grows late, I think it will do the both of us well to retire and face the morning fresh of mind. I hope you will consider my words, naught as ones given by a vested party, but as ones given by a friend. Goodnight, Samuel.” With that, she left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again, and many they were.
For the first time that day I truly began to reflect on myself. I considered it all, what I had done, what I was planning on doing. This continued until a crashing wave of exhaustion suddenly fell upon my shoulders, like all the hours of sleep I had avoided up to this point came back to haunt me at the same time. My body felt so weak, and I could barely even conjure the will to lift my arms to pinch the bridge of my nose.
My eyelids felt as if they were being dragged down by weights, and I could no longer resist the call to rest. Laying back on the bed, I stared at the ceiling for some time before closing my eyes and letting my thoughts slowly drift away. Sleep soon embraced me as it hadn’t done in weeks. For anyone looking at me from the outside, I was dead to the world as unconsciousness smothered me.
When I woke it was well past dawn. The sun was already high in the sky and shining through the little slit window. As I regained my awareness, I realized that I felt rather good, like an invisible weight had been lifted from me.
I sat up in my bed but didn’t leave it just yet. The previous night was still fresh in my mind, but things seemed clearer to me after having a full night's rest. A part of me was still angry, and I doubted that it would ever truly go away, but I could now realize that anger was taking over my personality. It had been a driving force that had gotten me this far, but it had grown to consume me. Just discarding it wasn’t an option but accepting that it was there would give me far more control.
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
First things first, I needed to correct my, apparently, rather offensive smell and appearance. I got up and made to exit the room before stopping myself right before the door. My ability to leave was still dependent on my pocket god, so whatever his opinion of my condition was, it would make itself known momentarily.
I reached for the door handle, pulled it down, and opened the door. My body did not freeze, and I was not forced to return to the chair. A small smile found its way onto my face as I gave a slight nod of acknowledgment.
Cleaning myself up took a little while, mostly because I had to find a proper place to do so in an unfamiliar building. Once I was washed, clothed, and feeling significantly better than I had in the last few weeks. The only thing I could hope for was that I hadn’t missed too much in those hours that I had been away.
The soldiers, both living and dead, continued their looting of the keep and the surrounding buildings. Many of them acknowledged my presence as I passed, and I gave them a quick response in kind. It was nice to see things had progressed, and by the look of it, we would be out of here later today. That was great, but I needed to do one thing right now, and that was find Liliana.
My search took me around to all the obvious places, like the medical tents and supply storage areas. She was not present, and anyone I asked about her said they did not know where she got off to. I was reduced to wandering around, checking every place that seemed likely for her to spend time. That was when I noticed that one of the buildings was a little different from the others.
This one building contained some amount of adornment on the face of it in the form of small statues sitting in boxy alcoves. It became apparent that this was a church, although a very little one. Something in me told me that she was there, and even though the location was distasteful, I stepped inside to have a look.
The lighting in the church was very dim, only being illuminated by a few candles placed on the altar in the back and a few tables on either side of the room. Four rows of pews, split with a walkway down the middle, directed movement towards the altar. In the very front row, the only person in the building sitting on a pew closest to the walkway, was Liliana.
Her head was turned downwards slightly, but it didn’t look like she was praying. I approached her quietly, and as I got a better angle to look at her, I noticed she had her order’s talisman in her hands. She was absentmindedly turning it over between her fingers repeatedly while staring deep into it as if in search of something that could not be seen with the naked eye.
Liliana was ignorant of my presence up until I had stepped into her peripheral view. Her head snapped up away from her talisman as she blinked in surprise. “Sir! You startled me. I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to be here, or anyone for that matter.”
I nodded as I stepped around in front of her and made an offhand gesture to the open space next to her. “May I sit?”
She seemed slightly taken aback by the question but recovered quickly. “Of course, feel free.”
Now having permission, I took a seat next to her, but with enough space to be respectful. There was a moment of quiet between us before she decided to ask a question. “Are you feeling better, sir?”
A contemplative hum was the first thing I did in response before answering her more concisely. “Yes, but in some ways, no.” I cast a small glance her way with a slight smile. “Also, you can call me Samuel.”
That little concession probably told her all she needed to know about my decision and the outcome of my internal reflection. She gave me a knowing smile with a slight nod of the head to acknowledge as much. Now it was time for a question of my own.
“What about you? You seemed rather... pensive. Are you doing alright?”
Her smile faded to a neutral, but slightly forlorn look. “I’ve had to consider a lot of things lately.” She went back to turning the talisman in her hands again. “Chief of them being if my life of service to my god was nothing but a sweet lie. I haven’t offered a prayer since the day I found out. This has been the longest I've gone without since I was a babe.”
A sigh escaped her that seemed almost unbidden. “I think I'm scared of what might happen if I get an answer. What would they say to me? What would I say to them? Perhaps it is just my futile attempt at maintaining even the slightest bit of faith that I still have in my god.”
She was trying to work out a struggle of her own, that much was clear. Despite my status as a champion and connection to a literal god, I wasn’t an expert in reassuring someone's faith. This was especially true considering that I positively hated her god at that point, so I really wasn’t a great shoulder to cry on. Still, I needed to try, I owed her that much.
I placed a somewhat awkward hand on her shoulder, causing her to look away from the talisman and towards me. “Things are... rather complicated right now. Not even my god knows why or how things turned out this way. While what your god is doing now is evil, the principles that your religion was formed under were benevolent and are still here today. So, if you need, or want to pray, then do so to the god that was instead of who they are now.”
She seemed to think about my words for a moment before a small smile began to form. “Thank you, Samuel. I like that idea. Perhaps I will offer a prayer that the old Lord of Light return, that my god that loved all life and only wished for people to live happily come back to us.”
“That sounds like a good prayer.” I decided not to mention that it was an unlikely one.
“I know it’s not likely.” She said as I blinked in surprise, thinking that she read my mind. “People don’t change that easily, gods even more so, but change must start somewhere, and if it has to start with me then so be it.”
Clasping her hands around the talisman and pressing it to her chest, she dipped her head downwards and closed her eyes as she started her prayers. It was the first one that she had done in quite a while, and I guess she had a lot to say because it lasted for some time. When she finally did come out of her prayers, it was with a relieved sounding sigh, like a great weight was just removed from her shoulders.
“You feel better?” I asked her.
She took a deep breath. “Yes...” A coy smile crossed her face as she turned to look at me. “But in some ways, no.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit as she used my own words on me. “Yeah, that’s the best any of us can hope for. These truly are complicated times.”
“And we will survive it to come out the other side stronger.”
With a nod and a hum of agreement, I stood up from my seat. “Well, I think it’s about time I got back to work.”
“Yes, I have been away from my duties for a while as well.” She agreed with me. “But you need not push yourself Samuel. If you require more rest, then take it.”
“Don’t worry, I'll keep things light for today. Just want to make sure we aren’t falling apart at the seams.”
She gave me a nod and offered some final parting words. “May your future be brighter than your past.”
With that, we exited the small church and went our separate ways for the day, both of us feeling better than when we first entered. On my way to check in with the captain and other officers, I realized that I had neglected one more person that I needed to talk to.
Hey, I uhm... I’m sorry. You warned me, cautioned me, and tried to give me direction, but I brushed your words aside in pursuit of revenge. I know that I probably wouldn’t have been your first choice of champion, and I've been trying to live up to the title given to me, but I suppose I've failed at that too. My own soldiers fear me, and the officers probably think I'm losing my mind. They weren’t too far off even.
There was a period of silence that felt like it lasted an eternity. For a moment, I thought that they would simply not reply to me, but then the voice of my god entered my head. It was not with the fury of a spurned deity, the attitude of a vindicated prophet, or even the regret of one who made a poor choice that their words came to me. Instead, it was a soft voice, one that you might use when speaking to a hurt child to calm them.
Samuel, I do not regret my choice of you. Even if I had years to pick a champion from any I wished, I still think I would have found you. You embody everything that I love about humans. You are driven, passionate, loving, and volatile. Your tempers flash hot in a brilliant display, but every time they cool you learn more about yourself. One of the reasons I refused to bestow upon you all an extended life is because it fosters lethargy, stagnation as you would be content to wait years before acting on any desires. Instead, you charge forth with your half-formed plans and slapdash fixes. Sometimes things might not work out as you first imagined it, but you don’t dwell on the failures, you simply get up and try again with the simple intent of doing better.
So, Samuel, I’m not going to dwell on your failures, and neither are you. All I ask is that you stand up again and try to do better. Can you do that?
My expectations for this conversation were completed turned on its head. In that moment, I held nothing but admiration for my god. They could have chastised me, even insulted me, and I probably would have thought it was deserved. Now, I felt inspired, loved even.
I can. The simple answer was all that was needed.
Good. Now show me.
That was the last order I received before the conversation ended. In my pursuit of mending the damage I had done, I sought out the captain. I found the man directing the transfer of supplies from the storehouses of the fortress to our wagons. When he noticed my approach, he snapped to attention and threw up a salute to me.
“Sir! Welcome back.”
“Thank you, captain. Has everything gone well in my absence?”
“About as well as we expected. There have been some problems with the volunteer soldiers looting objects of value that are not useful to our campaign, but other than that we are proceeding apace.”
“Good to hear.” There was a slightly awkward pause that took place after that. Eventually, I just sighed and decided to get it over with considering today seemed to be all about repentance.
“Captain, I'd like to extend an apology to you and the rest of the officers. Not only did I cost us potential information, but my actions were not becoming of someone in my position. I am not an executioner, so I shouldn’t be acting like one.”
The man seemed to consider my words for a moment before responding. “Sir, may I speak freely?” I gave him a nod to go ahead. “I’ve seen war break men, turn them into perversions of themselves. But I've also seen it forge people into leaders, those who stand at the head as they blaze a path forward. You haven’t been broken, sir, so that makes me believe you are on the path to being forged.”
That was reassuring to still have his support and confidence. He added a little comment after his words had a second to sink in. “Besides, if you hadn’t cut off his head, I would have cut out his tongue. Frankly he is better off without either.”
A chuckle was shared between us. At the end I let out a sigh with a nod of my head. “Thank you, your support means a lot to me.”
The captain gave me a slight bow before throwing up another salute. “It’s a pleasure to fight alongside you sir.”
I figured it was time for the both of us to get back to work, so I dismissed the man back to managing the transfer of supplies. From what I could tell, we were in the final stages of clearing out the fortress. Soon enough, we would be back on the war path, and I had a feeling that we would face more trials along the way.