Loop 56
This is such a dumb idea.
Cold chill bit at his skin and it wasn’t just because the season never changed from mid-winter. The bond between altitude and freezing winds was always vexing to James. He liked heights and pretty views but twenty years worth of winters James had his fill of the cold. James found it unfortunate most of his nice views were tainted by those freezing winds.
But today, he’d have to grin and bear it.
The sight of towers and skyscrapers among city bustle and a decently sunny June morning greeted him. His feet trembled a little, staring up at the never-ending towers of concrete and glass all around him. His apartment building was tall, but not that tall. Unconsciously his eyes turned back to glimpse at the door to the stairwell.
He’d leveraged it open with a rock. Even though getting stuck up here wasn’t a problem for him. James wasn’t planning on going back down those stairs. Although he was still planning on going down. Just to sate a curiosity that’d been growing at the back of his mind.
To think I’m wasting valuable time here. There were a million better things he could do. I think I’m on the cusp of mastering brownies. Among the more useful skills James chose to sharpen, he always let himself have a single fun one. This week was baking. Next was archery.
Legolas ain’t going to have shit on me.
“Now but to the conundrum at hand,” James said in a shivering voice, banishing the distracting thoughts.
He took careful steps towards the edge of his apartment building's roof, careful not to let the bustle below see him. James wasn’t trying to garner attention. He was trying to test a curiosity that had been plaguing him in the back of his mind since the first Loop.
Could he die?
James certainly didn’t want to, but he subconsciously had a feeling he couldn’t. Normally, having a suspicion you might’ve been an immortal was not a good enough excuse to test the theory.
But enough completely unbelievable happened in James' average days that he could sparsely believe immortality was beyond him.
He planted his boot on the very edge, shaking a little bit at the sheer depth between himself and the concrete pavement. Seeing the average human crowded hustle and bustle didn’t settle the nerves swaying his stomach.
For some reason, he felt excited. James would be remiss to admit he was deeply afraid as well. What if he wasn’t going to come back when the Loop reset? I guess it won't be a problem for me, because I’ll be dead. True enough, but he recognised immediately that wasn’t a healthy train of logic.
His nose twitched at the faint scent of corner shop donuts beneath. Almost tempting to take the fast way down.
“This is so stupid,” James repeated, eyes transfixed on the ground.
Even as his hands started to sweat and he felt a need to take a deep gulp, the idea still seemed to grasp him wholly.
Is it curiosity that makes me feel like I need to do this?
It wasn’t. James knew it was because he was sick of living through the last part of the day. The world ending was something he had gotten used to but that didn’t change the frustration and guilt he felt every time he saw his brother’s fear, or his father's anxious dread. More than that though, James couldn’t get the thought of his brother out of his head in the recent Loops.
Not after he’d seen him die. Thinking about it even now was put a knot in his stomach and made him want to gag. His father had insisted they leave through the tunnel and Mike had gotten lost in the crowd pushing against the police barricade. Something had made them antsy on that Loop, causing a stampede that swallowed Mike before James could get to him.
That had been a Loop in the forties. More than a week in actual time, but James couldn’t get the memory out of his head. Like it had been mere moments since he’d heard his brother screaming and rushed through the crowd.
I’m going to hug that annoying bastard so hard he chokes. James resolved. Ever since he’d seen that James had debated if it was necessary to let the day go on to that grim ending every single time.
A silent determination steeped itself in James’ heart and he stepped onto the edging, taking in the ground and the vast fall before him.
“If I’m wrong and this is the end.” James felt a cheeky grin break onto his face.
“I regret nothing!”
Then he was falling, the wind speeding past his face as gravity pulled him into her sweet grasp. The weightlessness soon turned to nauseous as the speeding ground grew closer and closer. Distant screams scratched at his ears but he barely heard them before-
Loop 57
“Waffles aren’t part of the bed-”
James tackled his brother into the laundry, laughing as the world around him settled into existence again.
“It worked!” He shouted, hugging his brother hard enough to elicit a groan out of the freckly teenager.
Mike struggled in his brotherly love, clawing at his arms and failing miserably to combat James’ strength. Nevertheless, he tried to escape, with muffled screams but James held firm. How could Michael beat someone who was immortal?
**********************
Loop 238
“Seriously don’t understand why you settled on birthday cake.”
Jake shot him a confused look while stealthy moving his fork toward the rainbow cake between them. James chose not to call him out on his hypocrisy and just let the man have his cake and eat it too. The cake was a good one, flavored chocolate like any good cake was.
James had decided it was his birthday this Loop. It should’ve been close. He was closing in on two hundred and fortyish Loops from his count and his birthday was right around there. Maybe it wasn’t exactly the sixteenth of February but small details like that didn’t matter to James. Not really.
The Loop takes place on the twelfth of June so it’s gotta be kinda close from my math. James had concluded, deciding that this Loop would be his MHL.
Mental Health Loop.
That term had come into existence when he’d had a particularly distressing Loop.
Just forget about the giant tunnel snake. It wasn’t real. There is no giant tunnel snakes. James told himself, struggling to perform effective hypnosis on his himself. He dipped his hand into the birthday cake while he schooled Jake with the other hand. When he saw Jake frowning at James performing a nonchalant onesided beat down James decided maybe he should take it a little bit more seriously.
They went a few more rounds of Smash Bro’s before Jake tapped out in favor of binging a movie. The young man lounged on the other side of the channel, staring intently in James' direction as the movie played in the background.
“You doing alright now?” He asked. “Any chance double date is still on the table.”
James shook his head. “I’m on a MHL. No stressful encounters, doctors orders.”
Jake gave him a funny look and swiped his blonde hair.
“What’s an MHL?”
“You didn’t hear that,” James replied curtly.
“Sureeeeee.” Jake spat, sipping his water.
Having Jake around was quickly becoming one of James’ MHL pillars, along with minimal physical excretion, absolutely no Loop learning and the most painless early reset he could get his hands on easily. He always came when James called and readily dropped the double date to make sure his friend was okay. The first MHL he’d been frantic over the phone. Jake had calmed him down, all day. For three Loops in a row. It made James feel extremely guilty about his early resets, even when he knew he shouldn’t.
When did I start thinking of death as “early reset” James wondered, sipping his own drink. He tried not to think of the implications immortality might put on his life moving on past the Loop. There was certainly going to be a lack of self-preservation for awhile. He felt confident a few near deaths would fix that though.
Death was no nearly as efficient when it stuck.
And thinking of what it might do to the people he cared about caused his eyes to linger on Jake, idly watching the movie and his phone.
“You want sushi?”
Jake perked up. “You buying?”
“I’m making.” James corrected, rising to his feet.
He strolled to the kitchen and got out all the essential ingredients he always had delivered at the start of his Loops. They weren’t of the freshest quality, but they would do for rudimentary stuff. James set about crafting his fine culinary pieces. Jake watched him like a hawk.
Soon a soft smell of rice and soysouce prevaded the apartment. Jake didn’t say anything to him while James was cooking the food. When they were eating it was a different story.
“Since when could you make sushi?” Jake asked.
He seemed perplexed.
James just shrugged.
“I had some free time to learn it. I’m still not the best.”
Jake took one big gulp after he’d slathered his plate with soy sauce. “This is pretty damn amazing for ‘not the best’ dude.”
“If I wanted to make it better I'd probably need to go to Japan.” James said, thinking about it. Remembering all the cuts and endless harassment from the sushi chefs he’d worked under.
You could pay people to teach you that kind of thing if you offered them enough money. Not the truly skilled ones, but James had run through at least three chefs who could make pretty impressive sushi. None of them were the revered type of sushi chefs who served fancy five-star restaurants but they were close enough.
He’d need credentials he just couldn’t obtain to work under those people. Short of kidnapping them there wasn’t much he could do. James’ savings weren’t enough for them to get them to blink, let alone dedicate time to teaching him.
Trying to innovate from what others taught you and learn the secrets of the masters on your own was going poorly for James. Natural talent for cooking was not something he possessed. Improving upon his foundations with repetition was his only real path to improvement at the point the looper had reached.
“We’ve got to go together.”
James fell out of his thoughts and back to reality. He tended to do that a lot nowadays. There was a sinking feeling that accompanied it. James had no idea what the feeling was, but it was like a razor-sharp claw gently but constantly pushing into his innards.
“Go where together?” James asked, slightly confused.
Jake raised his hands on the table with an excited smirk. “Japan, dude. Me and you. Like a boy's trip. That would be awesome.”
A trip to Japan with just the two of them.
“Yeah.” James agreed readily. “That would be awesome.”
James found it better to leave out that it was physically impossible to get to Japan inside the Loop.
Maybe we’ll go once I’m out of the Loop. If Japan still exists.
There was a decent chance it would, but you never knew.
***************
Loop 1,214
Snow was a rarity in Australia.
The climate was allergic to it most of the year, only opening up for a short time during the middling months of winter. Like a miracle, sometimes it showed up in the oddest of places around Australia, like the weather had simply forgotten how to behave.
That was, unless you were high up.
Mountain ranges that stretched 1km above sea level were the only real places where you could count on snowfall. The brilliant freezing white was a rare thing indeed for Australians. Snow was a common annoyance during winter. It was an occasion that the lucky got to enjoy, whether as a fun trip or a vacation.
With that being said, a shirtless young man moving dancing through the snow was not something normal. Especially for Australia.
But there was no denying that, away from prying eyes and just outside a cabin he’d rented, the lean youth was moving through martial forms like he was out of a movie. From his frigid expression, he was clearly not enjoying it.
“Wind sucks,” James said out of clattering teeth, being sure to keep his limbs moving.
He had learned the first time he’d tried to practice his martial arts in the snow that movement was key. Without blood flow constantly, his limbs would quickly stiffen. Long enough like that would lead to crippling hypothermia. The long-term ramifications weren’t a problem for James.
Seeing his foot frozen the colour of coal was.
The wind here was the same as the wind on top of buildings, only a thousand times worse. Anytime he caught a stray breeze it bit into his skin like poison, seeping into his muscles and trying to sap the warmth from him. The looper knew he had to keep moving.
That was why he practiced like this, even when the pain got so cold it became hot.
His feet slide through the cold plushy snow, pushing until he was sure of balance. Then he kicked at the cold winds like he could destroy them. No windy screams came. Only his labored breath froze against his face.
That didn’t deter James.
He had grown to like the sanctity of cold here, though he tended to stay inside the cabin he rented on MHL’s.
Snow Loops were the most interesting type he’d stumbled upon once he broke the thousand mark. That was almost three years of Loops, but James was past the point where he found it wise to dwell on such things. The ravages of time couldn’t affect his body, but he had become acquainted with the fact that they could scrap at his mind.
Snow’s so pretty.
James found it hard to imagine that all the white was little flakes of perfect crystalline-formed water. All packed together by the atmosphere and then dispersed in a titanic display of elegance.
He pulled his foot back and readied his balance, then kicked again. Somewhere on his fourth snow Loop he’d gotten the hang of balancing on one foot in snow and it was a very handy skill. The kicks he threw had all come out much harder since he’d mastered that form of snow balance, but James still wasn’t satisfied.
When was the last time I challenged Leo? At least a hundred Loops. His last fight with the kind Swedish man had been short and uniform. James wasn’t convinced he was better than Leo. He just knew Leo. He knew the Leo of today perfectly. What jabs he would throw. How his left elbow was injured. How a well-placed calf kick to his left leg would send him sprawling.
James didn’t consider that skill, and it upset him.
Snow Loops were surprisingly good for his mental state, but they also allowed James to practice his physical capacities under extremely adverse conditions.
The looper’s foot collected glistening white powder as he lifted his foot then it fell away when he striked at the oncoming winds.
Snow Loops also helped with his meditation. The cold truly did help focus his mind now that it tended to wander more than he would’ve liked. James knew that his brain craved stimulation now that it had caught up to the facade of a day he lived in.
He let his leg fall and steadied himself in the snow. Cold embers burned against his skin. His feet felt like they were submerged in beneath the world itself. James felt a certain peace enter his bones as the cold settled into them.
Is that the kind of cold that overshadows my death?
The looper had no clue. Slowly he let himself fall to his knee, kneeling in the snow and focusing solely on steading his breath the the beat of his heart. Every time he came to the snow, it beat slower and slower.
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
Because it trusted him.
Or maybe he trusted the snow?
Maybe I trust myself?
James wasn’t sure, but he knew the snow helped with whatever it was. The questions he always tried to not think about felt safer here.
Snow started piling on his body but James trusted his breathing to keep him steady. The gentle blanket of kind cold beckoned him, but James denied it. He needed to think.
What are my priorities? James asked himself. The answer came naturally. First, find out if there was anyone else aware of the loop like James. He found that the most important. The effect of the loop on his view of people had been subtle at first, but it was hard not to notice it now.
Snow caught against his nose and the looper almost sneezed.
As people repeated the same patterns, fell into the same motions, and flowed down the same river while you watched from the sure, you slowly lost connection with them. His mind had started cateloguing them rather them considering them.
The distance felt more and more real every day.
So his first priority was to find another person to share the Loop with.
Well, apart from actually getting out of the Loop. James felt he was as prepared as you could be for the system, and… the big abyss eye in the sky.
I need to stop thinking of it as vog the void eye.
Cutsy names had been a pastime of the five hundred Loops. He regretted it sorely. The point remained that James was well and truly prepared. He’d researched as best as he could about whatever the hell the system, and Sources and all the rest of the magical goobity bullshit was.
Unsurprisingly, his list of actual answers came up short.
For one, whenever he actually tried to specify what he was looking for he got banned from search engines. Then the police would start looking for him. James had been tempted to actually dive down that rabbit hole… but no. He wasn’t willing to go through getting imprisoned just to maybe get another small answer.
He wanted the big answers.
For those he only had theories.
I can say for certain that the governments of the world definitely know about what's going to happen. From all the rampant global politics and election campaigns suddenly coming to a stop, with troops retreating to their own borders it was clear something was happening. People high up knew it was happening.
Clearly, they were preparing for it.
James could also say for certain that Sparks were special types of people that could see the golden system words, they were incentivised to kill each other for the invitation, and that Sources were apparently a good thing.
The invitation clearly said “Defeat a Spark” and James had completed it by killing a man.
Beyond that, James hadn’t a clue.
Still I know enough.
He’d concluded that a long while ago, but no magically revelation had ended the Loop. Which left James with his final, deeply unsettling question. How did he leave? Was the Loop on a timer, or did he need to do something? What if-
Another question sprouted in his mind. A darker one.
Suddenly, James got to his feet, wobbling as he did. A swift chill rang through him like an avalanche. The revelation was so chilling it couldn’t match the cold around him by a fraction, which made it all the more easy to take in.
I think that’s enough isolation in snow for one Loop. Hopefully, my screws are just loose.
James left the stray thought in the snow, walking back to his cabin to enjoy a peaceful evening by the fireplace. He had bought a fresh hot chocolate mix and three new books he found on Greek pantheons. Even with all the time in the world, a part of him refused to waste it on that little stray thought.
The thought didn’t stay in the snow though, it trailed behind him. Like a parasite, chewing on his joyful evening.
A slow scratching on the walls in his mind, that got louder and louder every time he tried to look away.
A simple thought.
One that might break James.
What if the Loop didn’t have a predestined end?
What if the Loop wasn’t meant to end?
What if I’m trapped here forever?
****************
Loop 22,605
“Watch it!” James yelled with a grin on his face as he skated down the streets of Melbourne.
The crowds of people on the pathways tried their best to get out his way and James only had to force out of his way. He cut his way along the cement paths, occasionally weaving between the street when he had the chance. If he wasn’t quick, James would be late!
The looper found the idea of him being late nonsensical. So much so he had started cackling like a madman. His foot planted on the board that he’d borrowed from an up-and-coming rockstar he knew named Keith Jams. Keith didn’t know James, but that kind of thing hardly mattered to James anymore.
They’d had so many fun nights together!
Keith’s not the kind to sweat the small stuff.
He nodded to himself and checked his watch, uncaring for the people he was speeding into. Most people didn’t like getting hit by an eighty-five-kilo young man on a skateboard, which meant they’d move out of the way. James had a lot of trust in the general populus’s awareness, because he was a good person.
The sight’s blurred past the looper as he ignored all signs of danger and any excuse to break. The speed itself caused the tiny skateboard wheels to start making a horrid scratching sound like they were burning against the pavement.
Maybe this wasn’t the board to steal. James considered. He’d taken it in particular because of the sweet guitar design on the back. Stratocasters were just too cool for him not to take it.
James breathed a sigh of relief when he finally rounded his final corner, sights set on the cozy little cafe in the distance. Jake may have lived closer, but he didn’t have a chance of beating James. The looper knew that yet it still felt like a triumph to best his best friend. He kicked his board up into his hands at the door and walked inside.
He was greeted with the smells of fresh cinnamon and a relaxed environment. Quiet and calm with a litter of people working away in their own little worlds.
James strolled past them taking curious glances at what each of them were working on. So many people with so many different jobs to do, all crammed in the cafe. The young lady closest to his favorite spot seemed to be angrily drinking her english tea and trying to solve the practice questions on her laptop.
From the spillage on the table, James could tell it wasn’t going well.
“It’s C, not B. The questions made to confuse you into thinking it’s B.” James said from behind her but she didn’t look back at him. Let alone respond.
The looper tapped the right answer on the screen and the young lady jumped in surprise, almost spilling her tea. When she regained her composure the lady looked positively miffed and James slowly pulled his finger away. For safety.
“What the hell are you doing?” She said, her face contorting into annoyance.
“Helping,” James said, offering his hands up in surrender.
“You poked my laptop!”
“Well, you got the question wrong Kaley!”
She froze, then scowled. “How the fuck do you know my name?”
James grinned and held a finger to his lips.
“I’m real. But don’t tell anyone. It’s kind of a big deal.”
He scooched his butt away from the scary-faced Kaley and scuttled into his favorite spot at the edge of the cafe. This close to the kitchen meant it had a brilliant wifi signal and your food got to you the quickest it could. James picked up the menu, and giggled to himself as he reviewed it as if he didn’t know it off by heart.
The daily specials had become somewhat of a staple. Especially the waffles. They weren’t made with pancake mixture like Hugh’s. James had mastered enough meals in his hobby time to know that making waffles with pancakes was the heresy of the highest order. Being a good dad exempted him from punishment, but didn’t mean James had to endure eating his father’s waffle-shaped imposters.
While waiting for his best friend to arrive James switched between texting random numbers freaky secrets about themselves he knew and placing as many winnings bets as he could. The responses from him sharing deeply personal secrets to strangers via random text were disturbing and downright hilarious.
No Reece, I will not share with your wife that you are cheating on her with your stepdaughter. One of us has to be responsible.
A notification came in flashing about how he’d won twenty thousand dollars as Jake walked through the cafe door, looking confused but happy enough. Anytime he made Jake do anything today meant he was skipping a ten to three shift he absolutely dreaded. In a sense, James was doing him a favor by inviting him to tag along.
This time he was wearing a navy polo with grey jeans and dress shoes he absolutely didn't need.
How is his wardrobe so robust and volatile? James wondered. He’d seen Jake wear about a thousand different outfits even when it was always the same day. One intensive interrogation on James behalf had scorched the theory that Jake was a looper. That would’ve been nice.
“So…” Jake started, taking a seat with a coffee in hand. “...Is this freshly minted ‘revelation’ the fact that you need a girlfriend and want your best friend to help?”
James waved him off.
“Absolutely not. I don’t have time for a relationship. Even thinking about it gives me the chills”
He gave a little shake to emphasis his point. James took a sip of his coffee and regarded the looper with a curious expression. His hands started tapping against the table as thoughts bounced around between his best friends eyes.
“You seem happy about that fact. Almost chipper.” Jake noted.
“Today is a good day for me. After all I’ve had a shocking revelation.” James nodded, grabbing his backpack and slapping it on the table in front of Jake. “But first a few questions, honest answers only.”
“Sure, Fire away.”
“Nice, well first things first. Would you rob a bank with me?”
Jake stopped inspecting the bag and gave the looper a strange look. He seemed to be mulling it over in his head.
“If you’re down, I’m down.” Jake finally replied, cracking a grin.
James smiled too. I knew he’d do it with me. All the precious planning and supplies had been tedious to try and acquire in one day. But none of it would be any real fun without a partner in crime and that partner could only be Jake. Sure James knew people more amenable to breaking the law and hurting others for their own amusement but none of them were Jake, so they were out.
He unzipped the backpack and pulled out two very inconspicuous balaclavas, along with a matching set of black woolen gloves. The looper had thought about getting gloves that were made of a more serious material, but robbing a bank with woolen gloves cracked him up too much.
Have to make sure I’m warm while committing crimes.
“Okay, here's yours,” James said, handing a confused-looking Jake his balaclava. “We probably shouldn’t pull the guns out till we’re in the bank. Or the bomb.”
“Funny man,” Jake said, shoving the balaclava back in his hands. “But are you seriously not interested in the double date? And why’d you buy balaclavas for a joke.”
James paused halfway through pulling out the revolver he’d also stolen from Keith, laying it gently on the table. His smile never faded, but it did twitch as the looper corrected his best friend.
“I’m not joking dude. We should rob a bank together, I’d literally be dying of laughter if we did.”
“Right, I get that. But first, double date. I really think it’d be good for you man. You haven't been out in ages and Amy's friend is quiet like you. You can be quiet together.”
James thought for a moment.
“I’d have to buy more balaclavas, but I suppose they can come too. No guns for them though, since Jess scares me.” The looper suggested.
Jake’s face scrunched. “Come where? And how do you know Jess’s name?”
James smiled and twitched again. He could sense his eyes weren’t smiling anymore. The looper started to panic a little on the inside, but pushed it down. The scraping in his mind was quietest when there was no noise in his heart. Only happiness. And the first step to happiness was a smile. So James’ smile widened even more.
“To the bank. That we’re going to rob together because you're my best friend. They can come with us.” James said slowly through his forced smile.
Jake sighed and put his hands together. Then he pushed the bag into James' chest with an annoyed expression. The scraping in James’ head got louder. Echoing in the distance. He forced it away with a smile, grinning at his friend's displeasure. Surely his little plan hadn’t made Jake mad. That couldn’t be the case.
“If you’re not even going to take my offer seriously then maybe I should get back to work.” Jake said with a huff. “I only came because I wanted to help you, man.”
He seemed annoyed and mad. Displeased that James kept moving their conversation towards his fun ideas. Jake was his best friend. They couldn’t be mad at each other. Not when he was the only one left James’ hadn’t-
The smile got wider. The scraping got louder.
“Okay, okay,” James said, pushing the bag off the table where it made a metallic clank on the floor. “Forget the bank, we’ll do the double date. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Vog anyway.”
Jake didn’t reply. Instead, the blonde-haired young man studied him silently, eyes blinking between James’ smile and the bag. The looper could see cogs turning in his friend's head, putting together something James’ didn’t want to hear. The scratching just kept getting louder. Under the table James’ hands started to ball into fists, squeezing until his knuckles were a ghostly white.
“Jazz.” Jake started, his eyes shifting to concern. “What’s going on man?”
His voice got softer and a hand reached out but James’ pulled away. He didn’t want concern. Concern hurt. It boiled the warmth in his heart and gave the scratching in his mind claws to tear away him from himself.
I need to run. James realised as the world started blurring into colours and shapes instead of people and things. Nothing felt real anymore. But he had to smile. He just wanted to leave. But he had to smile. The world hated him. But he had to smile.
Ijustwanteverythingtoend- But I have to smile.
He couldn’t run. His feet stayed planted on the ground. That’s when James realised he was terrified.
“James.”
A kind hand broke through all the chatter in his head. All the endless noise around him that so very loud.
Jake was leaning towards him, looking both disturbed and worried. His gaze was focused on James and no one else. It felt horrible. The looper felt exposed even as he wore his smile like it might make him truly happy for once.
“Are you okay dude?” Jake asked, and the words cut through him like sharp knives. Stabbing at his mind.
“I’m f-fine.” James stuttered, trying to keep together his slipping composure.
The scratching was louder than his heartbeat. It wouldn’t stop. James’ was going to collapse again. His mind was about to shatter another time, but he tried to his hardest to hold the broken pieces together.
Not again.
Please not again.
“No, you’re clearly not. What’s going on?” Jake asked, shaking his shoulder. “If something’s happening you’ve got to tell me.”
James shuddered. His blood run cold and his heartbeat slowed to a crawl. He felt sick, a tumbling sinking feeling crawling it’s way up his stomach. Like he was heading straight off a cliff. His hand moved slowly to the table resting gently against the revolver.
“Jake.” James’ started but his voice came out a whisper. Still, he pushed forward for his friend's sake. “P-Please… just… leave.”
Jake stared him dead in the eyes.
“No.” He said firmly.
When James stayed silent he leaned closer. His presence sent James’ brain sprawling. The care and concern set his mind on fire.
“You need to tell me-”
James' whole world blurred. The scratching on the walls of his mind burned too much to think. All of it hurt too much. Everything just burned. The looper wasn’t sure how long he’d been burning before his senses slowly came back to him.
The smell was first. The world smelled… metallic and foul. Like a rustic iron sort of smell, mixed in with something fouler that made him want to lurch. The scent of coffee was the only thing that made it manageable.
Next was touch. Cold hard iron was in one hand, while the other felt something hot and wet running onto in. Something hot and wet was splattered on his face too.
Then came sound. That one was rough. Screaming and shouting, along with the constant stamping of running footsteps. The noise was so cluttered and non-uniform, but compared to the scratching in his mind, it felt welcome.
Finally, sight returned to James’. A horrible one, but he had expected it. He tried to focus on the crowd around him, like he had when he’d had nightmares about his mother’s death. The one he’d caused. People were rushing out of the cafe on mass and spilling into the streets. The sound of siren echoes.
James might’ve been able to see sirens if he squinted.
The looper slumped in his chair, leaning against it. The little corner of the cafe was filled with hanging greenery to match the floral patterns on the wall.
They were pretty.
“Not going to lie, this one’s definitely on me Jake,” James said, wiping the blood off his face. There wasn’t a lot thankfully.
I can’t believe I thought that robbing a bank with Jake would stop it. The thought process was comical. If not redundant. He wanted to find humor in it. But there were no warm feelings anymore.
James just felt cold.
He always felt cold after things like this happened. Episodes. When the Loop caught up to his brain and the aging chaos in his head went berserk. It was horrifying. A calming horror that James could soak it.
It’s wrong to admit this feels better. To replace the horror of the loop with one of my own making.
“Maybe Jess isn’t the scary one.”
He waved the gun at his best friend.
“Come on that was funny man.”
There was no response. Only silence. Jakes's lips might’ve moved once but now they were stuck, his mouth left hung open with a giant 45.m hole of gory red painting the wall behind him. The looper's best friend sat there slumped against his chair with white, lifeless eyes. His blonde hair had blotches of red scattered all over it.
Jake’s final expression was shock-tied with a mixture of fear.
And concern.
James knew he should feel some terrible assortment of guilt, sorrow, and horror. But he just felt dead. As lifeless as his best friend.
The siren's sounds grew louder and the stomping of feet drew nearer along with shoutings and warnings. The police were coming. James wasn’t in the mood to deal with them. Not now. His eyes lingered on his dead friend, trying and failing to move before they eventually floated to his revolver.
The shiny barrel gleamed with promises of release.
On to another Loop.
“Oh yeah,” James whispered. “I forgot to tell you my revelation.”
His gaze flittered to the door. People were rushing inside. Police.
“Too late I guess.”
The cold metal of revolver pressed into the of his mouth, klinking against his teeth and almost making him gag. James could imagine the sensation of gunpowder scorching his throat and metal purity blowing through his brains.
Granting him peace.
But I not going to have peace.
There would be mere seconds of respite before he was brought back. Because he couldn’t leave. The Loop wouldn’t let him leave.
I can’t believe it took me this to realise.
The Loop didn’t have a purpose. It didn’t possess an end goal or a reason to trap him. It was just a prison. A cell without a key. James would never leave.
Because I’m in hell.
A hell where the world was a choir constructed to remind him just how alone he was. Every. Single. Day.
Once upon a time, James’ greatest ambition had been to have a good death. To have his end be something that mattered. Not just killed off because of some idiot who got drunk and decided driving was a good idea. But deeper, closer to his heart. James had always longed for a reason to live. For something to make his life more than just a road to nowhere.
Like a cruel trick, his deeper wish to be given purpose had been fulfilled.
And now, I’ll never even get to die.
He was in a world of his own. A lonely god. The power to change whatever he wanted at his fingertips. Anything he desired could be his.
But all I want is for it all to end.
James’ fingers tightened around the trigger. Fire burned in his throat as the subtle click of the revolver tickled his ears.
Then the world went dark.