“Waffles aren’t on the bed and breakfast menu.” An annoying voice chirped as two small hands tried to drag James out of the bed.
James didn’t even have time to think. Almost by habit, his leg curled back and kicked Michael’s stupid annoying face right into the pile of laundry across from his bed. The teenager yelped in surprise, tumbling into the pile of clothes from which he would never escape.
Slowly, careful not to bump his head on the bunk, the looper righted himself. James sat on his bed, feeling the familiar softness of the sheets, the glare from the light bouncing off his bedroom window, and the not-too-distant sound of Hugh making waffles in the kitchen.
His hunky, much too big dresser sat in the corner of the room, along with a full-length mirror and a shelf filled to the brim with self-help books.
James took in the sight of his room slowly, measuring it against the nightmare he’d been living, looking for any difference. A slight of anxiety started to creep in, as the memories of his last moments with Archive and the horror show that had become surfaced. That couldn’t have been fake, right?
A dream?
The chill of the morbid library still had his hair standing on ends. For a moment there, the looper was sure Archive would devour him. Maul him to pieces with a thousand maws made of living wood. That had been the first time in a long while James felt genuine terror, akin to his first moment gazing up at the eye that aged away the sky.
That couldn’t have been a trick, right?
An illusion his mind played on him. James refused to believe it for a second. All the escape attempts with Fig, the betrayal and tricking him into his own Spark, then the reparations contract and the horrifying true form of Archive.
There was a deep dread in his heart, that grew every second James couldn’t prove he wasn’t still trapped in the Loop.
Then he saw.
A tiny, flickering golden dot that stayed in exactly the top right-hand corner of his vision no matter where he was looking. It glowed brightly, and intuitively James could understand that if he focused on it, he would see the system.
But James didn’t care about the system.
He cared that it was new.
Because it was new. The first new James had gotten in thousands of years.
I’m out. The looper realised, bawling his hands into fists so hard they turned snow white. His heart started to pound in his chest so hard it made him dizzy. James' eyes flicked between the contents of his room, and then back to the golden little dot in his vision.
His heart beat faster.
His fists clenched faster.
The looper blinked, and the golden dot remained.
“Haha…”
He blinked again and the dot still remained.
“Hahahahahaha…”
James' laugh started as a low, stunned chuckle. Nervous and soft. Then, as he stared at the dot, his lips started to quiver until they were locked into a smile far too wide for anyone sane. The laugh started growing more manic and louder as he clutched his stomach, feeling the nervous tension disperse into pure, overwhelming intense joy.
He kicked his feet up in the air like a kid of Christmas, feeling excitement and happiness pour through every ounce of his being. The looper’s eyes never strayed from the golden dot that beckoned him.
He was free.
The looper had escaped the Loop. Something he had thought for so long was absolutely impossible had been accomplished by his hands. James had clawed his way out of the hellhole, and now he was back. Back in the real world. With real people.
Real consequences.
Real change.
I’ve got so much I have to do. James thought between the moments of being caught in his own euphoria. The mental list of all the preparations that needed to be made to make the absolute most out of the day was long. He’d refined it over thousands of years into a perfect formula and James already knew exactly what he needed to do.
But at that moment he didn’t care.
The looper just enjoyed the taste of freedom, lying on his bed and watching Michael struggle to escape the laundry pile.
When the euphoria finally settled, James didn’t feel any less happy or free. The rush had been instant, but just being outside the Loop put a permanent shine on his mood. The colours of the world seemed clearer, the smell of pancake-mixture waffles was better than it ever had been.
And Michael flailing was the single funniest thing James had ever seen.
He cackled like a madman just watching his little brother lose a fight against clothes.
Then James did something he didn’t think he’d ever done before. He slid out of his bed and helped Michael out of the piling, smiling ear to ear as he did. The little brat grabbed his hand but then tried to pull him down into the pile instead of letting James help him up. His little brother clearly thought he was in an advantageous position.
Until James picked him up, using all of the strength his back to pick Michael’s entire body off the ground as the brat clung to his arm.
Once he was in the air, the smirking confidence was replaced with a look of confusion that made the looper laugh harder.
“If you drop me I’m telling Dad,” Michael warned.
James chuckled. “Like I’d give you the chance.”
“We can negotiate.”
“I don’t think so.”
“We’re both reasonable,” Michael said, complimenting himself far more than James. “I’ll let you use my playstation for a week.”
“You’re going in the laundry, Mike.”
“Two weeks! Wait no, James we can talk about-”
His pleas were silenced by the heavy thud as James dropped him back into the pile of laundry. The stupid-looking curly-haired teenager stared at him from beneath the pile hatefully as James strolled out of the room, leaving Michael with one last word of warning.
“Start packing your shit, and don’t worry about going to school today. I’m in a road trip mood, so we’re road-tripping.”
Step one, convince the big man. James recollected, eyeing his target grumpily putting waffles to the iron. Hugh wore his work attire like usual and looked every bit the construction worker he was, shooting a look at James when he entered the living room.
Hugh didn’t say anything, but James could feel the “You’re in trouble” aura radiating from his father. That was not a good start to his plan, but it would be nothing more than a slight bump. James rounded past the kitchen table top and scooped a couple of not-burned waffles onto his plate, then cracked open the fridge and withdrew the nectar of the gods.
Sweet, holy iced coffee.
“Morning.” James greeted his father who returned the gesture.
“I heard tumbling in your room,” Hugh said, cutting to the heart of the matter before James even had a chance to sit down.
“Michael started it.” James said with a shrug.
“But you finished it.” Hugh noted, taking a long sip of his coffee.
“I was gentle,” James assured him. “He needs to learn not to pick on someone so much bigger.”
Hugh snorted. “And you need to learn to go easy on someone smaller.”
James supposed knew he was right, so he didn’t argue and just enjoyed his waffles. There was a timer at the back of his head. A ticking of how much time he was wasting not taking advantage of the day, but the looper didn’t care. He’d give himself breakfast with his family. Because the rest of the day would be hell.
A hell he knew.
Why don’t I feel nervous? James wondered as he ate and watched Michael stumble his way out of their room. The obvious answer was because making the most of the day had become second nature to him. That he didn’t feel an iota of uncertainty about the day and his plans for it.
But that wasn’t the case.
Every action and inaction he took weighed on him. He was barely a few minutes into the Lo- day, and he was feeling it already. The fear of consequences, and the reality that there were no do-overs anymore.
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They were all real worries in James' mind.
But they were almost welcome worries. It felt good to be anxious, and maybe that was why he wasn’t nervous.
I’m sixteen thousand years old and I still have trouble sorting through my feelings. Humans were complicated. That’s what James concluded.
What wasn’t complicated was Hugh’s love for off-roading, and it was exactly that love that James planned to leverage.
“We should go on a camping trip,” James said, interrupting Michael’s morning ramble. “Like we used to with you and mum.”
I’m doing a bad thing. Leveraging Hugh’s guilt over his trauma was objectively a bad thing. James acknowledged that. But it was for a good reason so he figured that left him only a little evil inside.
“Where’s this coming from?” Hugh asked, almost dropping his plate. His face had gone blank in the way it did whenever their mother was involved. Still and emotionless like a statue. “Work needs me for the next few weeks every day James, you know this.”
“Just thought it’d be therapeutic?” James lied adding a fake sigh to emphasise his apparent disappointment.
“I’m down to go camping.” Michael chimed in between mouthfuls of waffle. “Already packed a bag.”
“You just want to skip school,” Hugh stated.
Michael perked up at the accusation but a steady stare from Hugh quelled any teenager rebelliousness that he was planning. Once that was settled, Hugh turned back towards James. The looper wasn’t ashamed to admit that tried to look as close to a puppy in the rain as he could. Getting Michael, Hugh and Jake out of the city was a necessity. He’d sooner knock them out and drag them than let them stay in the concrete jungle.
Emotional manipulations for just today was not on the list of things James wouldn’t do.
James saw his father struggle internally on what to answer, behind his stoic expression.
Eventually, Hugh made up his mind.
“Fine, I can take a day off. It won’t kill em. When are we doing it?”
James smiled. “Today.”
Hugh slammed his fist into the countertop hard enough that Michael recoiled at the thud it made, almost dropping his fork to the ground. His father’s coffee wobbled on the counter before Hugh calmed enough to stop it from tipping on him.
“For fuck sake! Today?!” Hugh questioned, raising his voice and basically barking his words at James. “You realise how-”
Hugh paused. He looked between James and Michael, almost frothing at the mouth with anger, clenching his fists so tight they were going white. Then that anger turned into something closer to the man just being fed up. Their father took a long, silent and tense moment to calm himself then spoke again.
“Do you realise how much easier it would be for me if we could do this any other day?” He asked.
James nodded. “I know, but Jake can only come if we go today. I’ve already told him we’re going.”
Hugh looked floored. Genuinely and utterly bewildered by the words his son was saying. There was no more anger anymore. Just confusion at how his son had turned from a planner, who needed ten days' notice to do anything, into someone who would spring a camping trip out of the blue. Was it pride in his eyes? Because James was finally coming out of his shell. Or was it fear, that he was becoming more like Jake?
His father was simultaneously a fan of Jake, and incredibly judgmental of what he deemed a “directionless life” James’ best friend led.
He didn’t slam his fist this time. He didn’t yell, shout or get so angry he left the apartment to spare his sons when the big man wasn’t sure he could control himself. Hugh just paced back and forth in silence, occasionally sipping his coffee and looking anywhere other than James or Michael.
“Someone’s in trouble,” Michael whispered to James, snickering under his breath.
Jokes on you. James thought, already sure that he’d won the battle. If Hugh was beyond convincing, he would’ve stormed out to work already, keen to take his frustrations out of his construction crew. The fact that he’d stayed, the fact that he was mulling it over and most importantly the fact that he was taking slight glances at the photo of James' mother, framed in the hallway meant he’d convinced Hugh.
Hook, line and sinker.
“Fine,” Hugh muttered. “Michael, you’re still going to school. We’ll leave when he finishes because I am not getting stuck in traffic.”
“But-”
“No, you’re going to school or you’re not coming mate,” Hugh said, cutting off Michael before he could argue.
Hugh muttered something under his breath about finding a tent and kept asking for details from James while they ate breakfast. Michael annoyed him about bringing his friends to which James denied, brushing off the weight of possibly condemning people whenever that nasty thought popped into his head. The looper wasn’t a saviour, he was just a man trying to make sure his family and best friend were safe.
Beyond that, he didn’t really mind who lived or died, besides a few friendly faces.
Those thoughts were the negative reality he’d have to face after the breakfast was over. For those few precious minutes, chowing down on waffles, sipping iced tea and debating which storage container had all their camping supplies, James felt peace.
His mind was quiet and without the scratching that constantly plagued him. He didn’t possess the itch to find something to stimulate him. James just lived in the moment.
And felt happy.
So very happy that he was free.
James smiled as wide as he could, treasuring the calm before the storm. Most would probably be filled with dread knowing what was going to happen that day, but James lived in the moment. He didn’t let a speck of pessimism infiltrate the beauty of just living.
To live instead of Loop.
He tried not to cry.
He really, really tried.
But James still found himself bawling with a face full of waffles, wet tears streaking down his face as he ate and enjoyed his existence for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
Michael and Hugh both showed concern but James assured them he wasn’t sad, or scared, or anxious or any other negative emotion.
He was just happy to be alive, and that was something that overwhelmed James too much for words to describe.
***************
“No, no I’m fine. Really, don’t worry. I’m just excited.” James said, assuring his father from the inside of the bathroom.
“No worries then mate,” Hugh said through the bathroom door. “Just give me a ring if you need me, I’ll be back after I drop off Michael anyway.”
Hugh’s reassurance spilled warmth into James’ heart even if it was unnecessary. It made him all the more sure that everything he’d do today was for them. All of it, the good and the terrible was so he could ensure that they weathered the storm. Every ounce of good they filled him with made him more certain that he could do what needed to be done.
Would do what needed to be done.
James locked the door to the bathroom and turned the shower on to help his thoughts flow with the running water. Out of all the ludicrous mediation techniques he’d tried, running water was the only thing that steadied the storm in his head. He played with his phone while the shower water warmed, checking dates, setting reminders and placing bets he knew would win.
The second step to his plan was simple. Money.
And a lot of it.
They’ll suspend my accounts if I go too high. So he’d have to stop well before his goal unless he wanted a run-in with the police. Fun for a Loop or two, but he didn’t want to deal with the boys in blue this time around.
Jail was a forever thing now unless that went shit after Vog the void eye appeared, which it probably would.
Will money even be worth anything? It would probably maintain some value, but depending on the severity of exactly what happened after the system’s integration was still up in the air. So many Loops and a long chat with an eldritch god and James still had no clue what happened after integration.
It was vexing, to say the least.
Still, money would hold its value until the moment Vog appeared in the sky, so James kept placing his bets. Once that was done, James tore his clothes off, eager to get the shower over with so he could get to work.
But as he was in the process of untangling himself from his pyjama shirt, James noticed something odd curling up on the edge of his neck. Familiar charcoal pigment licked the sides of his neck and as James turned to see where it was coming from, the looper almost jumped he was so startled.
Because crawling all the way from his lower back to his neck and encompassing the majority of his back was a Mark. A pitch black Mark, that felt like a mix of charcoal and cracked scales to the touch.
Making up what James initially thought was an eight, but on closer inspection, appeared to be… an infinity symbol?
Did they brand me?
And like that, James felt the goodness his family had offered to him drain away at the sight of this revolting thing they had put on his back. He was sure that they’d done it. Archive or the system or the First or whoever the fuck kept messing with his life.
When he focused on the way his skin recoiled away from the charcoal mark that felt like it was eating him, the golden symbol in the top-righthand of his vision expanded. Hovering over the brand and giving a name to the horror.
[Mark of the Loop]
[Description: For he who has survived the hand of time, for the man who fought eternity and won]
James sensed that there was more to the Mark than that. He could feel that there was more to the Mark than that. That emptiness that had made him feel uneasy after he escaped his Spark ceased when he focused on the Mark. It felt good, like home.
And it disgusted him.
Because what it felt like was the Loop.
Now’s not the time. His rationality told him. He’d already sacrificed precious minutes of the day he knew having breakfast with his family. Now wasn’t the time to worry about something like this, even as it marred his back. He had things he needed to do. He could think about this later.
Now was the time to work through the problems instead of worrying about them.
Even as he said that the looper could see himself in the mirror. See his scrambled black hair perched upon a face that was perhaps too sharp for its own good. To the point of looking intimidating.
He could see all the muscle he’d laboured hours at his job to earn, and the red scar that ran up his arm and touched on his neck.
But most of all, he could see his eyes. Those granite eyes that stood unmarred by time. Ancient and young at the same time.
But no longer tired. Now, they were hungry. For what, James didn’t know. Power? Safety? Fulfilment? Vengeance?
All he knew was there was a new cog in his plan that needed to be explored before he left the apartment and prepared. A new gift or curse that could shake up his plan if James wasn’t careful.
So once he was fully showered and had a t-shirt back on to hide the Mark, James turned his attention to the golden icon permanently affixed to his vision.
Then focused on it and let the system show him exactly what he was in for.