Rosalind stuttered as her failure sunk in. She wasn’t used to not being right, making this week an especially strange one for her.
Jasper looked over at her. She was deep in thought, murmuring to herself and gesticulating, trying to figure out in real-time why her plan didn’t work.
“So,” Jasper started, “I will admit that I don’t know a whole lot about how these games work, but it does seem like your magic spell didn’t do anything.”
“Yes, I know, just… quiet. I’m trying to think. I need to figure out what we do next.”
“I see.”
“Give me some time, okay? I’m really… really surprised that thunder didn't work, but… I’ll figure out a new strategy.”
“By all means, take your time,” Jasper said, somewhat sarcastically.
Jasper poked around the menu, doing his best to ignore the obvious threat of the towering knight standing in front of him. He flipped through the battle commands, seeing ‘attack’, ‘steal’, ‘item’, ‘defend’, and ‘run’ as options.
Rosalind, still decidedly in her own head, spoke up again briefly. “Based on your unique battle commands, are you able to figure out what class you are?”
“Can you repeat that?”
“What words are you seeing on your menu?”
“Well,” Jasper continued, exploring his various battle options, “I can attack, which I doubt will work, I can steal, which is illegal so I’ll probably avoid that one –”
“Got it, thief class. Wonder if we can do something with that…”
“And, at the bottom, I see the option of ‘run’, which, given the circumstances, seems incredibly logical, so I’m just going to go ahead and select that -”
“Wait! No! Hold on you can’t -”
But it was too late. Jasper had proudly selected the ‘run’ option, and instantly, he and Rosalind turned and started vigorously running in place away from the knight. A textbook appeared in their vision: CANNOT ESCAPE FROM THIS BATTLE.
And with that, Jasper’s turn was over.
The knight drew back its sword as it went to make its move.
“Why did you pick run?!”
“Well it’s quite simple really, I wanted to run from him and lo and behold it was there as an option!”
“You can’t run from boss battles!”
“Oh, how foolish of me, I must’ve missed that lesson in elementary school: If you ever get into a boss battle kids, you must remember that you cannot run!”
“If you’d have played one video game in your entire life you would’ve known -”
“I played Mario Bros.! And hey, as the person who coded this monstrosity, perhaps you should be taking some of the blame here? Why would I be able to select ‘run’ as an option during a battle if it wasn’t able to do anything? And while we’re at it, why on earth would you program me to be a criminal?!”
“Thief! It’s called thief, and it’s a very standard class in RPG games actually! If you had any respect for video game history -”
“Don’t you dare lecture me about history young lady, I AM A PROFESSOR and I know full well -”
“You do not get to call me young lady, you don’t even look that much older than me -”
Rosalind and Jasper’s bickering was interrupted by the caption ‘BRUTAL SWING’ appearing above the battle area, as the knight, in a swift instant, dashed at the party, winded up his sword and released a powerful blow, hitting Rosalind and Jasper for 57 and 42 damage respectively. The damage numbers briefly appeared on their bodies as they both recoiled from the hit.
Rosalind HP: 33/90, Jasper HP: 46/88
“Gah, that kinda hurt,” said Rosalind. “Y’know, they’ve really turned up the pain slider from when we were first designing the game.”
“Considering it looked like the sword was going to pretty much cleave us both in half, I’ll say that it could’ve been a lot worse.”
“Well I’m sure it helped that you were wearing a full suit of armor.”
“Now now, no need to get jealous.”
Rosalind went back to ruminating, her foot tapping as her idle battle animation looped.
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
“Anyhow,” Jasper continued, “It seems quite clear to me that this brute has us beat, and I for one am happy to relinquish the prize for this silly game.” Jasper used his free hand to maneuver through the menu options. “Is there a surrender button somewhere?”
“There’s no surrender button,” Rosalind replied, coldly.
“Oh? In that case do we just wait until he’s drained all of our health points, and then we can leave?”
Rosalind froze. She picked her words carefully. She needed Jasper focused on the objective at hand, but she also didn’t want to cause any undue panic.
“So, it’ll be a lot easier to leave the game after we’ve won this battle actually. For us to straight up lose the battle is frankly messy… it’s time-consuming, and actually it’s also illegal if you could believe that. I’d get into the reasons why, but since you’re a non-gamer I figure it’d take a really long time for you to understand. I think the cleanest solution for us is to win the fight, and regroup from there.” Rosalind was strangely convinced that this would work.
“Right, so if I may translate for you,” Jasper replied, “You’re saying that while you can’t fully confirm the magnitude of the danger we’re in, there’s a pretty real chance that if we lose this battle, we might actually die. Is that about right?”
“...more or less, yes.”
“I guess I’d love to ask, as a very friendly follow up question, no pressure at all, don't mind me… do you have a plan to get us out of this!?”
“Yes! Yes. Just working through some final kinks and then we’ll be good to go,” Rosalind responded. Panicked, she started working through all of the variables in her head.
Alright so lightning didn’t work which means the other spells probably aren’t gonna work either because there isn’t really any clear indication that the boss has any sort of elemental leaning or weak point for that matter, red particles did show up when he first attacked the manor but that could just be a red herring, haha red herring that’s funny ‘cause it uses the word red again, okay let’s focus again, the knight is in full armor so physical attacks from me and Jasper won’t work, I am scared but let’s not think about that right now, obviously we can’t run, is there some sort of item that we could maybe –
Jasper groaned as he watched Rosalind noodling in her head as if the rest of the universe around her didn’t exist. He swayed in his idle animation as he looked at the knight. “She seems quite unwell, wouldn’t you say?” he asked, to no response. “And while we’re having this lovely chat, you wouldn’t happen to have any hints on how we could possibly kill you, would you?” Yet again, no response as the knight, almost on cue, caressed his sword as part of his battle animation. “Not sure why I thought you’d be of any help.”
Rosalind continued stirring. There has to be some way to defeat him. Some weak spot I’m not seeing.
Rosalind moved the cursor around, noticing that she could select different parts of the knight to attack: the hands, the torso, the legs, the helmet. She kept thinking.
“I have an idea.” she said.
“Does it have a one-hundred percent chance of success?” asked Jasper.
“I’m gonna be real with you Jasper, it doesn’t. But I think it’s the best option we have.”
“And should we maybe just wait it out and do nothing until the authorities arrive?”
“I don’t think the authorities are gonna be able to take on this guy, so… no. This is it. It’s time for action.”
Jasper sighed. “You might not believe this, but I had a dream that it would end this way.”
“Wait, really?”
“No! You are unbelievably gullible, and all of this is insane!”
Rosalind used her hand to maneuver through the menu, selecting an option labeled ‘TRANSFER TURN’. A ‘swish’ sound effect chimed.
“What did you just do?” Jasper asked.
“It’s your turn now.”
“Why?!”
“Look, I didn’t design the tutorial, but I know this game inside out, and I need you to take a real leap of faith and trust me. I want you to select the ‘steal’ option. And I want you to steal the knight’s helmet.”
“What’s that going to do except make him angrier?!” Jasper shouted.
“Trust me. Please.”
Trapped in his dorky battle animation, Jasper thought it over. “Fine, but if this move is unsuccessful, then we have to stay put when it’s your turn and talk through all of this properly. You have to promise me that.”
“I promise.”
Jasper was full of anxiety. He turned his mind and worries off to the best of his ability, attempting to go on autopilot. He selected the ‘steal’ command, and redirected the cursor in his line of vision to the knight’s helmet. Time seemed to slow as he took a deep breath, fully realizing the absurdity of his situation. And yet… a part of him resigned to taking the leap of faith that was suggested. He selected the command.
Instantly, his body was thrust forward as the command pushed him to dash at the knight, and just as immediately, dash back to his original position. The caption “Retrieved [KNIGHT’S HELMET]” appeared above the battle area. The knight, now helmetless, remained stationary, his spectral, shadowy head emerging from his suit of armor now visible due to the missing helmet.
“Alright, that was the first part,” Rosalind said to herself.
“Now, let’s take a proper beat to plan the next move. If, after all of this, we do somehow end up dying, and there does in fact end up being a heaven and a hell, then in theory you may have condemned me to an eternity of damnation by making my last act on planet earth the cardinal sin of theft. So -”
Rosalind wasn’t taking any time to think. Jasper watched her confidently stride through her battle options.
“Wait, wait just a second, let’s take a moment and let’s talk this through!”
“Trust me.”
She re-selected the ‘black magic’ option and returned to her spell of choice: Thunder. Immediately, the spell reigned down again on the knight, appearing identical to its previous casting. The bolt struck the exposed ghostly head of the knight, as Rosalind watched with bated breath and an intense stare, while Jasper clenched up, closed his eyes, and muttered “we are dead, we are dead, we are dead” on loop.
The spell concluded, and the knight recoiled, clearly impacted by the attack. The text overlaid on the knight revealed that the spell did 2300 damage.
Gradually, the knight fell to its knees, eventually collapsing and dissolving into a cloud of particles that disappeared as quickly as they had emerged.
A triumphant melody played as Rosalind and Jasper’s bodies contorted into a victory celebration.
“That was the worst and most terrifying thing I’ve ever been a part of,” Jasper said between tears.
“I legitimately think I’m having a panic attack,” Rosalind said, as she and Jasper, not in control of their bodies, continued their exaggerated post-battle jig.