"2, 1, Happy Birthday!!!" I looked around with blurry eyes at the two dozen giants standing around me, yelling in celebration. Then I looked down. My arms were so small, like a child’s, but they moved like my arms and my hands balled and stretched at my command. They were a little slow, a little small, and a lot weak, but they were mine. Then I looked up again.

I died and went to a renaissance fair. It was the only explanation that made sense. And then that place got invaded by an anime convention while they tried to hold the line against that one guy in what looked like robot armor. Seriously, guy, you really need to get with the renaissance/anime dress code. At least nobody was wearing a cowboy hat.

To be honest the clothes weren’t that bad. The renaissance crowd were dressed with solid and functional clothing that looked like some additional steampunk touches had been added without completely overdoing it by going beyond accents. For instance one lady's frilly grey toned dress was done up with a corset with ribs that looked solid enough to take a bullet. Meanwhile the dress itself hung naturally without unnecessary volume over functional boots with some metal ankle articulation. Most of the renaissance people were like that; tastefully understated clothing in earthy or muted colors with just a bit of iron or brass, and not a single unnecessary cog in sight. The worst part of their outfits were their hats, but even those avoided any actual steam or randomly moving parts, so I would give it a pass.

The anime dressed people wore similarly functional clothing but separated themselves from the first group through extremes of color and contrast. While the renaissance crowd’s clothes helped them fit in, these people's clothing helped them stand out and there were more than a few midriffs and biceps on prominent display. There were far fewer of these people, and the renaissance fair people were cordial but clearly separate from them. Beyond that their clothes ran the gambit from bright summer clothing all the way to heavily contrasted suits and party wear built for flashy rave movement. There was literally no rhyme or reason to them that I could see.

Also, there was that one guy in forest green robot armor. What the heck, guy? Get with one of the dress codes, you stand out worse than the ravers.

Meanwhile these people talked but many of the words came out sounding funny. "No strength, dex, con. Looks like he's a seh6oe5 su&8*huo." One man spoke while waving a strange oversized ring in my face. Another tried speaking at me in several different languages that I had never heard before. Strangely they seemed to be saying "Do you understand me?" over and over but I only could get it a couple seconds after he moved on to the next repeat sentence. A third surprised me by swinging a fist at my face and I would have fallen over if the chair I was sitting on didn't have a back. He then insulted my lack of 'combat prowess'.

This was all getting more than a bit overwhelming so I tried to speak. "Tried" being the operative word here. Sound came out but they weren't words. "What's going on here? Where is everyone? Why am I in a child's body? What are you all talking about?" is what I tried to say. Some people cooed at my "baby talk" and some lady who was younger than I had been only minutes before said I was, and I quote: "The cutest little thing I've ever seen without even a bit of charisma!"

Ok, I'm done. I folded my arms and tried not to pout, it would only make me look 'cute' again.

Ok, I get it. I've been reborn into another world. Can someone please explain to me what the heck is going on?

As I sat and watched the crowd continued with those not-words thrown in regularly. Often they would mention 'abilities' or 'features' or those different stats but usually in a condescending or disappointed way. I tried again to speak but it came out as sounding like gobbledygook and Klingon and calculous were fighting for control of my mouth, so I just stopped. I also tried to get some idea of what they were all saying but I had neither the time nor the patience to decode it before the next person jumped in my face.

There were some things that did become clear as I watched. The first thing I noticed was that most of the people were either in their own little groups or moving between myself and two other people. Those two other people, one male and one female, seemed most likely to be my parents. They mingled but also kept me within eyeshot. I also noticed that while most of the renaissance and anime crowds remained segregated. There were a few renaissance people who tried to move toward anime groups, but they were mostly met with disapproval. Meanwhile a few of the anime individuals might approach a single one of the renaissance people at any given time, sometimes blatantly ignoring the other members of their group. From this I deduced that there was some sort of social hierarchy going on where weird clothes meant something more than just a bad sense of style. It wasn't a perfect split, the person I suspected as my father was one of the few renaissance people welcomed into the anime groups and there were a couple others who bridged the gap naturally.

Also, power armor guy was so busy jumping from group to group that nobody seemed to have time to figure out if they loved or hated him. I’m not sure if he was a moron or a genius, but at least he was persistant!

I also noticed that in each anime group one or two people formed the core that the rest just seemed to follow. When the core was happy, the others followed and interactions between these more dynamic personalities made everyone around them nervous. I felt there were political games going on, due to my 'expert' analysis skills, but didn't have nearly the information to decipher them. Or likely the patience, to be honest. Still, I tried to remember the 'important people' but who knew when or if I would see them again.

If this were some story written by a crappy author I should be waking up in a forest right now or lying in a crib with only my mother for companionship or something. What type of hack author throws me into what looks like a political intrigue story in chapter one? Chapter 1 to 2 is always 'you are in a new world, either nothing happens or you get a reveal of what type of world it is!' kind of stuff. Chapter 2 to 4 is where you look at the basic stats of the system, but only by 3-6 is where the reader gets hints of what power the main character might wield and what they would be fighting against. At no point during that time, short of 'parents are noble bastards, or something is threatening your parents' should anything more complicated be happening. That's just basic pacing!

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

Ok, so I seem to be feeling a bit grumpy. And yes, it might have something to do with that 'no charisma' comment form before. Is that seriously an ok way for people to talk to a baby?

I continued fuming as time went on and slowly the people started leaving out till only two were left. Predictably they were the ones who had been keeping an eye on me and whom I had picked out as my parents. Score one for analytical thinking and picking out of the blatantly obvious! Thankfully they were both part of the 'renaissance fair' crowd, I don't know what I would do if my parents had turned out to be one of the anime people or (god forbid) that one robot armor guy.

My mother was wearing a matching brown dress and top with a hardened vest and a hat with too many feathers. My father wore some sort of steampunk work suit and a hat with too many lenses. They were a match made in wherever the frick I ended up. This wasn't heaven, I could be pretty sure of that, but at least it didn't burn like hell. I had seen no white light or enigmatic being that called itself 'god', I had just been lying on my deathbed and then people were yelling at me! I didn't even get cake!

After a few moments of silent deliberation between them the male spoke up. "Welcome! I'm Edmond and this is Thea, and we're your parents. From now on you are William, William Townsen. Now I know you have lots of questions but we won't be able to communicate all that well until you learn to speak again. Until then, welcome to paradise!"

Uh, right, except that I already have a name. Also, they seem to already know about the whole 'I'm not a small child' thing but are ignoring it. I tried to speak again, with predictably unintelligible results, before just nodding for them to continue.

He looked disappointed at my lack of enthusiasm. I tried not to roll my eyes. He continued with what he had been saying. "Hm. Right. So you probably want more than that. You see people die all the time and then they end up here. Nobody really knows why. Whatever your life was before, now you live here. This is a chance to have an entirely new life and be an entirely new type of person. We don't know you yet but we do know you are our child and will be in some way much like us; part my focus and enthusiasm and part your mothers watchfulness and efficiency!"

Right, except that I came from another universe altogether so I couldn't possibly be born of a random genetic recombination of their DNA. The statistical impossibility of that just meant that it was more likely that any resemblance between us was little more than a coincidence than actually meaningful. Or maybe they are thinking of the 'nurture' half of the nature/nurture divide? It isn't like I could just ask them. At this point I had had about as much of this weirdness as I could take and for some reason I was feeling tired and grouchy.

"Dear, if I might?" my mother, Thea, spoke up while looking at my incredulous face. "You come from a scientific world, right?"

I nodded.

"So what is it? Humors? Mana? Nanites? DNA?"

I nodded at the third one and she stopped listing.

"We have something like that, but things are different here. It is more of a guideline than the rule of existence that you may be used to."

Right. Just because you medieval and fantasy people (minus robot guy) haven't figured out science yet doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

"No really," she said, seeming to read my mind or maybe just my face, "it really is true. I can even prove it." She gave me a knowing smile, turned around, and held up a giant slab of a kitchen knife that was wider than my leg was wide and longer than my forearm was long.

She was still smiling, but my smile had disappeared.

"Oh, look at that! The first time is always the most entertaining!" My 'father' was no help at all.

She moved forward and I tried to move back, momentarily forgetting about the chair. I was about to jump off to the side when her hand shot forward skewering me through the throat. For some reason my addled mind focused on how fast she seemed to have moved. Did she have superpowers or something? She pulled it out and the thing dried in seconds without even leaving a red tint. I reached for my neck and I could feel the hole. My body stopped responding but I felt no blood.

"Don't worry, my baby, just fade away. It will be all right. Just fade away and everything will be all right." my mother cooed, seemingly trying to be encouraging of my demise.

Still, I held on. I had died once, I didn't want to die again. My body was fading and I couldn’t even move my eyes but I held on with everything that I had. She could kill me, but I wouldn't make it easy.

"Wow, we certainly do have a stubborn one here!" my father said excitedly.

"He must take after you, dear." my mother replied fondly.

"Ha Ha! You little flatterer! I might just have to teach you how stubborn I can be later on tonight!"

"Dear, not in front of the child." She pulled away coyly, but it was obvious her heart wasn't in it.

"Oh don't worry about us, son!" He spoke facing me without really speaking to me. "Just a man loving his wife is all!"

"Really dear, must you?"

"He probably can't even tell what we are saying anymore, he really is holding on a long time. Just look at him."

Yes, ok! I might not be able to move, slumped over as I am, but I can still see you two flirting over your dying son's body. Seriously, what the heck is wrong with you people???

"Dear," she said, pulling away.

And then started stabbing me over and over. It was painful in a dull aching way. I tried to hold on as things got darker and darker and then blinked as the pain suddenly disappeared. I also seemed to be sitting up now. How did that happen? Saying I was confused would be an understatement.

"Finally!" My father said. "That certainly took a while. You really shouldn't hold out quite so long without reason."

"Thank you for staying, dear. I know you have other work but it really does mean a lot."

"Oh, think nothing of it! I wouldn't miss my own son's first time! Not for anything!" As he spoke he gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek then pulled himself off the chair and moved toward the exit. He then turned to give us a quick wave before disappearing.

So now we were alone, me and the knife lady, and I can still see the knife sitting there within her reach. I reached up and felt my neck and chest, there were no holes and no blood. Also, I was naked now. I'm really not sure what was weirder.

"Don't worry, son. It is always pretty bad the first few times before you get used to it." She said. "So for the next few days our goals will be simple. Get you talking and get you used to death."

I gave her a look. I'm sure it would have been far more intimidating if I didn't currently look like a toddler, and was naked. At least I hoped my scowling wasn't 'cute'.