The most telling point of our conversation in the woods was that I wasn’t as mad at the World AI for the spider trauma as I was with Dr. Putzhead and all that he stood for. It wasn’t that I loved my tormentor. It was that my tormentor was programmed by real people who were the real problem. My enemy wasn’t the World AI. It was the MOO-VERSE. I was just living my life, plodding along, and harming no one, but the moo-verse had decided that I was a detriment to society. It was the moo-verse that had ruined my life, but what could I do about it?
And as my mind rattled around that concept, my body stumbled back onto the current set with our motel, my Stella parked next to the black Thunderbird of the Remmington sisters, and even old Mabel (I’d learned her cast name) puffing out a billowing cloud of misty smoke from the little plastic window. I stood looking at it and trying to get back into character. I don’t know when I’d started thinking like that, but I credited the enhanced VR experience. I mean who really knew how to wield a sword before they played an MMORPG? And yet they played it just fine. I didn’t know much about being the star of a serial TV drama, but the program was enhancing me in such a way that it felt almost natural.
“You lot staying another day or checking out and back in again?” Mabel called out to me across the parking lot, a feat of impossible lung capacity considering that she did it through the little plastic window.
“I’ll check with the girls and get back to you,” I called back, a smile tugging at the edge of my mouth.
“Well, hurry it up or I’ll charge you for another day! It’s fifteen minutes past checkout, you know!” and she snapped her little window closed.
“Right,” I said on a blown-out breath, jogging toward the girls’ room with more energy than I’d had in years. All I was really thinking was that we needed about half an hour of content for our upcoming episode. I didn’t have a clue what that would entail, but since I was following the girls’ lead, I figured that was something I could do. Going with the flow was familiar and I also figured that they’d had weeks of AI time to come up with something fun to do next. I’d just follow them.
“It’s too early!” came my knock’s answering wail that I was pretty sure came from Tami. “If that’s housekeeping, send them away so I can sleep in.”
“You already slept the morning away,” Jean’s voice was lower, but I heard it coming closer to the door.
“Hey,” I gave my wittiest smile with that inane dialogue.
“Oh, it’s you,” Jean kicked the trash can against the door to prop it open.
“Dreaded light!” Tam buried her head under the covers.
“The motel clerk says she’s charging you guys for another day if you aren’t checked out in fifteen,” I said, softly.
“Like hell!” Jean grit out and stuck her head out the door yelling the rest. “You charge that card again and I’ll burn the place down and blame your cigarettes, you old bat!”
“Try it! You vagrant!” Mabel didn’t miss a beat, and I leaned back to avoid the exchange.
“I paid cash,” I shrugged.
“I got the sheriff on speed dial!” Mabel hollered, sticking a very old phone with a curly tail of a cord out the window to illustrate her threat.
“All right, I’m up,” Tami flung the cover off herself and dramatically stomped to the bathroom where she slammed the door. If she hadn’t been wearing pajamas with clowns all over them, it might have been less disturbing.
“I got Traveloo bookmarked!” Jean was yelling back to Mabel. “I can tank your already pathetic motel rating with one picture of the cockroaches I chased out of here last night.”
“You got twenty extra minutes! But not a second more!” Mabel slammed the window closed again, the misty smoke dissipating slowly.
“Why’s it always so bright early in the morning?” Tam complained around the toothpaste in her mouth as Jean was scooping stuff into their too-small carryalls.
“It’s almost noon,” Jean shook her head, but as she turned away from Tam, I caught the smile.
“Early!” Tam insisted, then ducked her head back in the bathroom to spit in the sink.
“If you hurry, I can let Hex ride with you for the first stretch of the road,” I suggested.
“Two minutes,” she perked up with bright eyes and scrambled for clothes that Jean hadn’t stuffed away yet.
“Ten minutes,” Jean corrected after Tam slammed back into the bathroom to change.
“Two,” came Tam’s muffled reply as she poked two fingers out of the bathroom door for emphasis.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I left them to their scrambling, shaking my head at the well-choreographed routine. They must have spent a good amount of time on it. I ambled to my own room, trusting in Jean’s lung power to answer me even as I propped open my own door and let the furballs scamper out and around me excitedly, another great little scene.
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“South,” Jean called out, ever so helpfully. I bent to give the critters scritches, Hex using my crouched stance to scamper up into my hair.
“Hey!” Mabel’s voice boomed out of her opening window again. “Pets are extra.”
“Paid cash, ma’am,” I drawled to her as Kodo stuck out his tongue and gave her a very wet raspberry, Podo covering her nose as if to cover a snicker. “You can’t overcharge me.”
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“I can put your name on a list,” she threatened, undeterred.
“What name did I give you again?” I asked scratching my head. “I use so many these days.”
“Dammit,” she slammed the window closed again.
I was thrilled to have my Clickbait abilities back. I gave a thumbs up to the ferrets and ducked in to scoop up my meager belongings, surprised to find myself chuckling. It didn’t take more than a few seconds, since I just didn’t have much stuff. The wonders of having the AI do my hair and wardrobe was one of the best parts of VR in my opinion. While Tam may have brushed her teeth, I didn’t have to. I was never going to be stinky or offensive unless it was part of the script.
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We did indeed head south. Tam had tentatively pried Hex out of my hair and then crawled in the back seat of the Thunderbird because Kodo had curled up on the passenger seat. Podo was the more brave of the two in that she’d taken to hanging half out of the side car to waggle her tongue at passing cars. The cutest cut must have been of Kodo and Podo grinning at each other as I coasted the Hoverhog next to the Thunderbird. Tam was sprawled asleep on the back seat, her sock-covered feet hanging out the window and a little black cat curled up in her hair. Yeah, that montage was a winner. I wasn’t as sick as usual, so they’d fixed the nauseating nature of the fast forward even though it was almost like paging through a scrapbook of the road trip south.
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“Why are our viewers still going up?” I asked the World AI, as we pulled into a parking lot of a hotel that was not going to take cash and no ID for a room.
While we only ran one episode, it’s getting rerun views, the World AI explained, as I took off my helmet and shook out my hair dramatically.
“Cool,” I thought at it, swinging a long leg over the bike to dismount, Podo hopping up onto my seat and then flinging herself through the open Thunderbird window to pounce on her brother.
“Are we there already?” Tam yawned, with a dopey smile on her face as Hex gave a big stretch.
“Yep,” Jean answered with her usual chattiness.
“And where is here?” I asked, waving my hand at the posh hotel on the pristine beach that could only exist in a place like Palm Beach. Super-white towers of balconies ascended into the sky like gravity didn’t exist.
“That smells like the ocean,” Tam sat up and looked around. “Is it already August?”
“Yes,” Jean told Tam.
“Damn,” Tam swore, and it took me back a bit.
“I’m pretty sure I can’t afford this,” I gave Jean a dubious look.
“Relax, kid,” Jean shot back at me even though I was pretty sure she was younger than the real me, but maybe not screen-me. “The bride booked a suite for us. You can have the pull-out bed.”
“Ugh!!” and Tam flopped back down into the back seat with a groan. I leaned into the open back window around Tami’s feet. Hex took Tami’s legs like they were a red carpet, accepting a pet from Tam as she walked by her hand. “Why did we agree to this again?”
“Not money,” Jean replied easily, reaching for a bag that had been behind the seat.
“Not enough money in the world,” Tam protested, sitting up to get one more pet on Hex before Hex scampered into my hair.
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“Fine, she’s your friend and she’s getting married to the Prince of Persia or Prussia, and you told her to ask for anything for a wedding gift and she said for you to cater the event,” Jean ticked off her points on her fingers.
I gulped. Now I was pretty sure none of us had the wardrobe for that either. Had I really upgraded the backstage enough for this? Well, maybe they wouldn’t have set this up if it wasn’t possible.
“In my defense, I was drunk,” Tami admitted, finally pulling her feet out of the window and blinking at the scenery.
“In my defense, I’m going to need to be drunk for this,” Jean muttered, slamming her door with only a smidge more force than necessary.
“Uh, they’re going to throw me out of the lobby of this place,” I broke into their dialogue.
Tami rummaged around in her back pocket as she sat up. “That’s what this one is for,” she proclaimed, holding up a glistening golden credit card.
Somewhere around the 2100s, the poshest of hotels had taken on a fad of gravity defying remodels. Only the most successful had managed to keep these feats of engineering with space-aged materials from falling into the oceans they dangled over. The Breakers had been one of the most daring designs and the first to fall in the real world. It was now available in VR for a modest fee. My office’s Christmas executive retreat had been held at one of these VR places, but it hadn’t been this nice. If it was advertising on the NOOB channel like this, it must be desperate. VR was the only place those swirls of suites that extended over the ocean in their own mimicry of the waves below could have survived a hurricane.
We get funding for anyone who clicks through to their website and purchases a VR suite, the World AI explained to me. It’s open advertising. Anyone can do it. Our Media Relations AI is optimistic. Another perk of the pre-production upgrades.
“Either that or they’re celebrating their latest upgrade by indulging in high hopes,” I snickered behind a hand that I was using to pet Hex, who purred at me lazily.
“I’m not getting trussed up in something that costs more than my car just to serve hors d’oeuvres,” Jean protested, pointing a finger at Tam sternly. Tam gave her an innocent look that made Jean turn and walk toward the hotel.
Tami rocked her head from side to side as she mimicked Jean’s orders behind her back, but she did get out of the car, not bothering to grab a bag. “This place has great security,” Tami said with a winning smile. “You don’t even need to lock your car. The cameras and patrols have a 5 second response time for thieves.”
I tried to think of something I could say to reinforce her commercial pose. “Awesome,” was what I got out and I could only hope the camera didn’t catch Tami’s eye roll. Okay, maybe I did need to put some points in Trend Adhesion.
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That would be my point, the World AI told me, and I winced. Brand Insertion is a skill you should be trying to earn.
“Wonderful,” I thought, then said aloud. “Glad I’m not a thief!” Who said I couldn’t use Clickbait to get Brand Insertion?
I heard a groan in my head and figured I didn’t get it. Ah well, I tried.
“Come on, you,” Tami was snickering at me as she linked her arm with mine and let me toward the lobby. “Don’t bother with a bag.” She plucked my bag out of my hand. “There’s nothing in there that we wouldn’t have to replace.”
“I think maybe I need the bag?” I prodded her as Kodo and Podo scampered into it.
“Then again,” she pondered almost to herself. “I wonder if they make ferret pouches in Louis Vuitton?” Tami definitely had the Brand Insertion skill.
“Friend?” I prodded Tami, hoping to get some clue as to what we were headed into. We crossed the little street to the hotel’s doors. I’d never seen streets so clean as Palm Beach. Even virtual streets had a reasonable amount of dirt. These streets were so clean you could eat off of them.
“Let’s just say that we have the same kind of cooking credentials, but she chose to make money and I chose to make a difference,” Tami explained simply, and I wondered at her ability to enter through the doors without flinching at her own clothes. “Relax, this is a beach hotel. They’re used to all sorts of attire.”
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Did she not see the security guards talking into their walkie talkies as we walked through the doors?
Don’t mind them, the World AI assured me, and I was liking this new relationship we were tuning into. They are a part of a side program that allows for a cat burglar fantasy side quest.