Every mission I leave behind a person or two that is just a shell of themselves. I’ve heard the whispers out there, they call it a “memory plague”, but everyone in here knows it’s me.

Jack sees me walking in, squeaks, and runs to hide behind Alice. Half of them avoid me, and the others just grow quiet around me.

Alice just shrugs and walks off. She doesn’t seem to care about much around here. Sometimes I’m tempted to try and talk to her, to ask her why she is so quiet and why she doesn’t ever seem fazed by anything, but then I realize I don’t really want to know. I think I am happy to let her have her secrets.

I’ve seen things in the memories of others. Even though I have deleted the worst parts, it still leaves an unpleasant feeling, a knowledge that truly terrible people exist .

Lizzie runs up to me. “Hurry up and get dressed. I heard there is a large shipment docking on the James river today, and if we pull it before it’s even on a shuttle you will have to use less of your power.”

I pull on the shapeless dress and wrap up my head.

“Going out again?” It’s Nathan. He is staring at me with accusingly blue eyes.

“I have to. Everyone needs food, and we are feeding the poor also with the food we are stealing…”

“You sound as if you are desperate to justify your use of this power constantly. Doesn’t that make you realize that it is wrong to steal people’s memories just for power?”

I know it’s wrong. I hate seeing the left over shells of the people who I take the memories from. “Lizzie says the power was given to me for a reason and I need to use it.” I’m not even sure why I am defending my use of the power. I probably shouldn’t defend it.

“Lizzie is a thirteen year old girl for all that she talks like she’s older. She’s a thirteen year old girl who had all her memories stolen, had a lot of random knowledge and facts forced into her mind, and then, was given back her memories in a way that made them seem like the memories of someone else. You, on the other hand, are a twenty year old woman with the memories of multiple people floating around in your brain. Think you should pick your own path.”

“I… I have mission to do. You put her in charge of missions, didn’t you?” I know it’s wrong, Nathan.

He reaches up and grabs the head scarf, unwrapping it.

“There’s more white in your hair now. I think the power is aging you” He runs his hand over my tied back hair.

“It’s not aging me, I think it’s just causing me to lose the pigment in my hair and eyes.”

“Is that no a similar thing? Are your eyes even still red, or have they lost all pigment.?” Nathans hand falls away from my hair, but he stands there, his eyes piercing into mine, as if they can pull out the contacts and see the real color.

I look down at the thinly industrial carpeting of the floor. I let my eyes trace the colors searching for a pattern I will never find.

“Well?” He asks, his voice quiet and gentle. He is too nice. He only ever gives me these long sad looks when I come back from a mission.

“They’ve lost all pigment. The irises are basically white now. There is a little bit of pink left in them, but it is barely noticeable. The good thing is that I will be able to wear any color contact lens and look good in it.” I smile up at him, trying to blow off the changes that have happened since I started using my power. White hair and eyes. I will look so strange without a disguise soon. I guess I already do look strange.

He says nothing, and runs his hand over my hair again.

His silence makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I need some sort of response. “Our people need to eat. My power makes it less dangerous for us to go out.”

“I’m afraid for you, Hope. What happens when police attack after you’ve drained your power? They will grab you or kill you. We can get food without relying on you to get it for us.”

“You’re worrying too much. I’ll be fine.” I smile at him to try and soothe his worries, but is he correct? Should I not go out on as many expeditions? Will I get caught?

No. I have my powers to protect me. No one can catch me while I’m awake, but Lizzie does keep demanding so much of my powers, draining me every time I go out. Sometimes I’ve even been carried back because I have no energy. One time I even passed out on a mission. Lizzie waited to head back to our hidden room in the forgotten building because she didn’t want Nathan to know.

“Please take a break, Hope.” Nathan’s hand grips my shoulder tightly, begging me not to go on this mission. I’ve been going out almost every day, and I am feeling exhausted.

“Hope!” Lizzie calls out from the door. “Stop flirting with my brother and come one. W need to move if we are going to grab these supplies.”

“Stay, please.” Nathan’s hand is tight against my shoulder, his face worried.

Lizzie is standing at the door, her hands on her hips, glaring at me. “You were given this power, use it.” Her voice demanding me to head out.

Nathan, standing there, worried about me. About consciousness that is me. And I know he sees me. He doesn’t see his old girlfriend Lily anymore.

“Hope.” He whispers, as if he knows what I am thinking.

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“You need to exert our will. You have to do what is right by you, not by Lizzie, not by me. If you have to go out because you do not care about your own life, because you do not think your life is worthwhile, I will not stop you. I disagree though. You are your own person, and if you go, I am afraid for you. I want it to be your choice.” He stops, and looks down, his blue eyes not holding me down anymore.

“I’m rambling aren’t I? I’m not making any sense. Please Hope, please stay here today. Please, take a break.”

“HOPE! Come on. We need to leave now!”

Nathan holds the head scarf n his hand out to me. “It’s your choice. I won’t stop you.” He stares straight into my eyes, and I cannot move.

I take the offered head scarf. I need to do my part for this community… but haven’t I done more than enough for the past couple of days? A break sounds nice, and I am tired. All I want to do is sleep, but I keep going for Lizzie.

“Live for yourself,” Nathan says.

“You were given this power, use it.” Lizzie says.

You nod your head, as if agreeing to something. Your lips turn up a little bit, the touch of a smile? I guess this means you want me to do what I feel is right, and right now, right now I am too tired to go out. I’ve been trying to hide the way my legs just want to give out.

You have never steered me wrong. You’ve been watching me with such a blank face recently that I almost forgot that you used to care. Have you tried to distance yourself from my decisions? I remember you reaching out with sadness toward the guard standing there looking lost. Does my power dismay you? You cannot leave my side, can you? I am your anchor to this world because I created your existence.

“I’m sorry Lizzie, but I’m too tired to go out today. I can barely move today, and my power is severely drained. I think I will need a couple days to recuperate.”

She huffs and spins and leaves with her choices for the mission today following her out. Did I make the right choice?

I collapse against the wall, letting my exhaustion take over. Nathan sits down next to me, like we used to sit in the cell. He reaches out and grips my hand.

“I know you’re worried about them, but I think you made the right choice. You look so exhausted.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore. This power helps the orphans so much, but it also leaves a line of victims behind it.”

Nathan stares over at the group of orphans on the other side of the room huddled together playing hand games. “I don’t know what’s right or wrong either. I know that you are too tired to be going out there. Personally, I’m not even certain that you should be using your power. I feel that it is destroying you. You leave a trail of bodies behind you, and each person you destroy will destroy a part of you, but this is a way of survival. We need to fight to survive. What is life but a series of choices? Look at me, rambling again.” He stops, staring over at those children.

I wait for him to continue.

“Hope, I have no idea what is the right path either. It was always Lily who had a strong vision and will power. She was the force that drove us all forward. Once she was taken….” He pauses, and looks straight at me. “No, once she died, I didn’t lead us the same way. I couldn’t. I was always more cautious and less sure of the right path. I found myself just fighting to keep everyone alive, nothing more. Lizzie had that same determination she had, and I guess Lizzie kept something of that after she lost her memories.”

I nod. Yes, Lizzie has a fighting spirit, and in the memories I can see Lily acting so determined. She was determined that the orphans would be noticed and treated better by the rest of the world, but I have nothing I am fighting for. I don’t have some driving goal like her. I guess I’m more like Nathan now.

He is staring back at the children, “I guess, I loved her because she was such a bright person. I always felt content to just follow in her shadow. She always had such a smile and positive attitude. When she told me she liked me, I had no clue what to think, and just went along with it, like I did for everything she suggested.”

Maybe that was why the world looked so bright in Lily’s memories, because she just couldn’t see the bad in the world.

He is looking at me again. “You know, your nothing like her?”

I nod. I know. I have no super strong goal. I think, if I was her, I would be scary with the amount of power I have. “I – I know. I can see it, her memories are so bright. She saw the world tinged in gold where I only see gray.”

He reaches out and wraps his arms around me. “I know. I don’t want you to become like me. Don’t let yourself be destroyed for someone else’s cause. You hear me Hope?”

His voice sounds strange. I search though the memories, but I can’t quite place it.

“Nathan?”

“I – I don’t belong here anymore, Hope. This fight, this place, I don’t have the will to fight anymore. All I will do is hold them back, and I will hold back Lily’s dying wish. I’m going to leave, try to find a job. I’ll try and blend in and become normal.”

His tone. That small crack in his voice. The croak and scratch. He is saying goodbye.

“You, you can’t. I need you, to stop me from going out to much. I need you to be my check.” He can’t just leave me here.

He shakes his head. “You can come with me, live a normal life, and forget about your power.”

I think about Lizzie’s words to me, “You were given this power for a reason, use it.”

“No, I can’t do that. I have to help out Lizzie and these children.” I think about that gray world, and the golden world Lily saw. About the people diving into the food boxes, desperate to eat. The politicians in their high towers dining on gourmet foods while the populace starve below them, and I realize my fist is clenched. I have the power to change this world, and I can. For Lily, and Lizzie, and all the other people whose memories I stole. I owe it to them to reset this world.

“No, I want to change this world, and I can Nathan. I have the power to reset it, to defeat the politicians in their high towers. Please, stay with me, help me see it through, and be my check.”

He laughs, “Ah, there is the Lily coming out. I think you have a goal now, and you don’t need me anymore Hope. See, that’s where I went wrong before, when Lily asked me something very similar, and I couldn’t say no because she was so beautiful and fierce, just like you. No, I’ll watch from the sidelines, and I’ll be waiting here to pick you up every time you fall. And, if the world ever gets to gray for you, and you tire of fighting against it, you will know where to find me. My offer to join me in a normal life will always stand.”

He pulls away from me, “Goodbye Hope, and good luck.”

I can’t move. He can’t leave me, not now. He’s always been there for me.

He looks down at me, those blue eyes piercing deep into me, cutting me open. Those uncomfortably blue eyes. “I believe you have it in you to win. I’ll only be a hindrance from now on.” He leans down, and kisses my forehead.

“No, please, Nathan. I need you. I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. Hope, you will become great one day. You will shake this rotten world to the core, and I will watch you do it from the side lines, but I think you need to find your own path. You need to fight when you can, and you need to take a break when you need it. You need to command these children, and lead them toward that vision that you can see of the future.” He turns away from me, and walks toward the door.

I realize I am reaching out toward him, trying to beg him to stop, but nothing is leaving my mouth, and my feebly raised hand cannot do anything.

A tear drips of my cheek, and I scrub the trail leaking form my eyes away. No. I cannot cry. Not now. I have a mission to accomplish. I have orphans to organize.

I rub my eyes dry, and bar off the awful feeling in my stomach the same way I block away the pain. I don’t need this weakness in my life. He is right. I need him out of the way so I can be strong. I need to make up my own mind. I look over at the children, and I see the soldiers of my army. I will defeat this world.