Quinn stood at the top of the spiral staircase, looking down toward the core room. She hadn't been there in what felt like an age, even though she knew it had only been a few weeks since they'd retrieved Lynx - after the sequencing for the Library and Lynx's memories was complete. She gazed down for several seconds, and Aradie hooted very softly in her ear.
"No, no," Quinn mumbled, "I'm going down, I'm just gathering my thoughts."
She didn't look at Aradie, but she was fairly sure the owl was giving her a side-eye, which she understood to a certain extent. After all, she'd never felt this level of trepidation before heading down to visit the core. Everything just seemed to be piling on top of one another now, so much so that she wasn't entirely sure where to start. But she knew it'd help to head down there.
Quinn didn't feel like going to the Library's vault. The vastness of that space made her uneasy. This down here felt far more familiar, and right now that's what she needed. Quinn allowed herself to hover ever so slightly and wound down the stairs before reaching the ground and stepping foot onto the spongy-like surface.
This time the lights all around them were beautiful, like leaves in the winter dipped in frost, blues and whites, the occasional shimmer of green poking through as if some of the leaves overhead carrying the information of the Library were actually evergreens and never stopped blooming. Quinn cocked her head to one side. That was a pretty good analogy, considering that knowledge never stopped growing and evergreens, as long as they didn't get that weird sickness, never stopped being green.
You're in an oddly contemplative mood today, the Library's voice filtered into her head as Quinn made her way across the vast chamber.
"I am," Quinn said out loud.
Aradie still lent a slight weight to her shoulder, a comforting weight at that, something that she'd grown used to and want to let go of anytime soon, if ever.
Would you like to use the vault? the Library asked.
Quinn shook her head, glad that the Library wasn't actually dipping into her thoughts all the time anymore. Frankly, she still wondered whether it could breach her shields, after all they were intricately connected now. Even so, she thought the mutual respect they'd garnered for each other probably meant that the Library at least wouldn't attempt it to cross that line.
"I don't really want to go into the vault, it's overwhelming," Quinn said. "I'd prefer to just, I don't know, kind of relax."
You find it overwhelming? the Library asked, curiosity hinted at in her voice.
"It's got so much in there, such a vast an encompassing history that I'm not quite ready to accept," she trailed off, hoping she didn't seem ungrateful. "Here is a lot more peaceful."
She could almost hear the Library frown, which was absurd, because how could you hear somebody frown? Still though, Quinn waited as she walked toward the central trunk, taking her time as she glimpsed the overhead intricate lines and twigs beneath, between all of the leaves. The way it depicted a massive tree overhang always fascinated Quinn, considering it wasn't actually one.
Quinn, are you all right today? the Library asked, as if it didn't exactly know how to phrase the question, without coming across as either inconsiderate, unsympathetic, or downright blunt.
Quinn blinked, and looked at the core tree. She cocked her head to one side, and then shook it ever so slightly. "I don't know. Something Milaro said to me has been sticking with me, about the guilt thing, about the aura thing, basically about how I just don't have the control I need to have over all of my abilities, which you'd think after four months I'd have, right?" The sarcasm might have made those words heavy.
You're being a little bit facetious, Quinn, the Library said. But at the same time, you do have a reason to.
"I know, right?" Quinn said. "Anyway, I, I wanted to come down here and just absorb some of what being the Librarian is. Every time I come down here, it's like a wave of calm suffuses me. Well, now that you're not blaring alarms, and red, and requiring books ASAP, and all that sort of stuff."
Yes, those were a few harried days, weren't they?
"I swear they seemed like a lot longer than days to me," Quinn said.
Aradie cooed, and the Library gasped ever so slightly.
Really, Aradie? You could have come and found us before you did. The Library sounded oddly irritated. You didn't have to leave her in my clutches, as you say. Oh, you were tired.
Quinn laughed, and the bird sort of patted her head with its wing. The more she thought about it, the more motherly the bird seemed to be about her. Protective, and whatnot. Quinn didn't mind.
Maybe you should sit, my dear Librarian.
And Quinn did. She nestled in next to the trunk, in that beautiful little area that felt like a seat, just made for her, with the spongy floor all around her, and the brilliant lights above her. If she didn't know any better, she would think that she was nestled next to the trunk of a tree, overlooking the entire universe. Although, she guessed, in a way she sort of was.
"I think," Quinn said, "you need to teach me a little bit about me."
Yes, I probably do, the Library said.
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And as Quinn watched, the air around her grew thicker, until it coalesced into a shadowy form in front of her, who promptly sat down on the floor, with its legs crossed, and tail whipped around behind it. And this time, Quinn swore she could make out slight horns on its forehead.
"You're very detailed today," Quinn said.
"I'm feeling particularly cosmicisodracusy today," the Library said. "Sometimes, sometimes it's easier to remember exactly who I am, and what I am, and what I was before this, if I take on a form similar to my original."
"Similar," Quinn said. "I don't think you had a humanoid form originally."
"No, you would be right. But as more and more species evolved in the universe, it was necessary to blend in a lot."
Quinn laughed.
"Why are you laughing?"
"I don't think Hal has ever tried to blend in a day in his life."
"You'd be surprised," the Library answered and then lowered its voice while leaning forward. "Eight feet. Eight feet is him blending in, Quinn."
"I'd believe that," she said, and suddenly felt more relaxed than she had in ages.
Despite everything going on around her, a calm suffused her. That even though things were kind of crap, they didn't have to stay that way for long. After all, wasn't her magic coming together? She glanced down at her scale clad body, feeling that security melt around her in the way they protected her. In the way she could activate it with a mere thought these days.
But the guilt began to creep in again, and she couldn't help it. How could she be feeling more relaxed than she had in ages when she had multiple friends injured above her or back on their homeworlds? Malakai, Ikeshal, Eric, and Escadril. There were people who'd been injured not precisely because of her, but instead because of what someone had wanted to do to her, and therefore the Library.
"Don't think about it so hard," the Library said, echoing not only outside but also in Quinn's head.
Quinn could feel her own frustration boiling inside. "I know, I'm just..."
"You're radiating powerful emotions. Guilt is going to eat at you if you don't start controlling it, if you don't start learning to understand it, and the circumstances around it, and realize that you actually have nothing to feel guilty for. The people who should feel guilty are those who attacked you, and us, and frankly, tried to destroy the universe and everything we've built to keep it stabilized." The Library's tone was hard.
"You're making perfect sense," Quinn said, "and I hear that perfect sense, but I... I can't help but internalize the guilt anyway."
"I'd say stop it," the Library sighed, "but I understand that isn't something you can do in an instance like this, so instead, I'm going to ask you to also focus on the positives, to focus on the fact that you did stop him, and you put him in his place, and you're healing. The wave of replenishment that you spread out to all of your allies in those instances, that you saved a lot of them, your shielding helped protect them, and gave them added regeneration. You mitigated a lot of the damage that could have otherwise been fatal."
"But it was fatal in some instances," Quinn said.
"Yes, but it wasn't fatal in all of those instances, Quinn, and to be fair, at least one of those instances was directly outside your radius of control. It wasn't even near you."
"True," she said.
The Library wasn't letting it go though and continued. "Some of it has to do with the person who was hit. Let's take Eric as an example. Eric has a lot of his own power. He was able to mitigate the damage himself as well. Your shielding assisted him in that fact. However, the others weren't as lucky. Not all of them have that sort of constitution that enables them to take hits and keep on coming."
"I thought imps were impervious." Quinn could hear the sulkiness in her tone and hated it.
"Well, it doesn't always mean what it means."
"This is really no time to be cryptic," Quinn said.
"Imps are impervious to almost anything. But everything has a weakness, Quinn. You just have to find it." The Library let out a sigh that rippled through the entire cavern. Quinn could have sworn the leaves above her moved. After a second's silence, the Library continued. "Depending on its type, there are acids in this universe that can eat through anything and everything given enough potency and or even time."
Quinn sighed and leaned back against the tree trunk. This introspective analysis of her feelings and her emotions and above all her guilt was not why she'd initially come down to the core, but she was grateful for the logic that had begun to take hold in her mind. It was starting to prove to her that even though she might have been some of the cause as to why people were hurt, she was also the implement that managed to save most of them. That was something she could work on. That was something she could be proud of and strive for improvement with.
"No," Quinn said, "that works. I can... I can work with this. Thank you."
"Anytime. It's not exactly what I'm here for, but for you, I'm here for most things," the Library said.
The shadowy figure leaned back a bit, casting its gaze up to the ceiling, watching the lights. There was barely a glimmer of yellow and red amongst the wide expanse that it covered. It was much more serene now the glimmers of orange and red didn't hail impending doom. Quinn watched until the Library spoke, and then she focused on the shadowy figure.
"A cosmicisodracus, Quinn, is all-encompassing. We are a part of this universe, the first breath of creation, and really, in most cases, except for my brother's, we are magnificent." The Library paused as if it was recollecting something. Quinn could almost feel its smile. "Anyway, what you need to understand is that you have the ability to expand to include all known affinities and any more that enter the universe. You have the ability to include new ones, discover old ones, discover surprises and hidden ones. We are now at 1723, thanks to you. Once you research, I know it'll expand. Our magic automatically purifies and cleanses the chaotic element to protect ourselves from decay, from being... I guess regurgitated or reconstituted. We are capable of harnessing chaos for short periods of time, depending on what we're using it for."
Quinn snorted, "Short periods of time. Short periods of time? You're like ancient and timeless. What's a short period of time for you?"
Quinn could practically sense the Library blink at her as if it hadn't exactly occurred to her that this was a possibility.
"Oh," the Library said, "that's a very good point. Um, I don't mean like short duration, like an hour or two, like you would."
"That's not exactly short either."Quinn laughed.
"Fine Quinn, stick with me on this. Short, maybe a few years? A Decade or so?" The Library offered.
Quinn decided to let it go, despite still finding it comical. "Is that why your brother is so intent on pursuing the chaotic element?"
"I don't know. We were there when chaos backlashed and began devouring itself and everything it had created. It was mayhem Quinn. It was a disaster. It was horrific. You don't understand what it's like when something gets unmade. It isn't just... doesn't just disappear. It reverses itself. It's painful and grotesque and just horrible. It's like annihilation of a soul. Especially en masse. We established the Library specifically in order to avoid that. Chaos isn't something ordinary beings can control, not in the way that all of these people seem to believe they can. These species don't have a sudden aptitude to wield chaos in a new and amazing way. What they have is a desperate hope that by wielding chaos they will somehow change their lot, gain more power, and they've been led to believe this because my brother has, I believe, fabricated the circumstances around my creation and well, the very beginning of the universe."
"So basically we need to stop them and stop your brother."
"Putting it extremely simplistically, Quinn, yes, and not simplistically, we need to prove that my brother is lying."
"Oh," Quinn said, "why didn't you say so? That sounds so easy."