Rule 3

Establish Boss Abilities & Loot Stuff

Statement: Allegra wore her bathrobes. She never had less than three on. Leon always had his armor. I’d yet to see either of them without those pieces of equipment. Callisto always carried weapons. Even after I’d worn her out after a night together, she’d curl up with a dilapidated pillow and reach under it for a knife. Only then did her breathing slow.

I assumed these habits resulted from the changed world, but what if they’re simply magnified manifestations of actions we engaged in before things became strange? Did Callisto tell herself that there was a butterfly knife in her dresser, in case? Did Leon wear a buttoned up shirt and tie, then tell himself this was a work suit? That he wasn’t the clothes, but a man underneath? What then, did Allegra tell herself with all those bathrobes?

The birds were easy. I threw a net over them and Callisto launched herself at the monsters. Allegra actually got the most points, as her papers were more effective against aerial creatures. I do not know why, and hadn’t asked. This at least explained how the group had fared before I joined. Allegra’s powers let her fill in a lot of blanks.

Leon liked the fact that she could save her energy for healing us instead of doing extra damage. This suited his gamer mentality.

Post Note: Leon actually said this, right here, in the alley as we were killing critters. However, he annoys me so I’m covering up his actual talking with a recap. Most of this dungeon was boring. In many ways, it reminded me of the supermarket I’d first done with these three. There’d been a lot of nonsensical but familiar enemies. The others struggled more than I did.

We pulled more monsters. Worms wriggled in a trashcan overflowing with a half-eaten sandwich of giant proportions. We went underground and fought two giant rats, which involved a strange tug-of-war between them, where killing one freed the other to chew on our asses. I was not allowed to explode anything while we were underground.

Our short journey continued to the rooftop where sculptures crawled over the edges to drag us down. Explosive traps were especially handy in this section. I knocked off a small golem man and laughed as he sailed over the next building.

Finally our path wound back to ground level at the final part of the dungeon. We sat in a slightly spacious area, facing a man whose body jerked unevenly. His head swung from side to side as he struggled to adjust his stance. I wondered what sort of drugs a person could be on to move in such an awkward manner.

“That’s the homeless guy. He’s the last boss,” Callisto whispered. “According to Allie’s notes, he has three main attacks.”

“He looks normal. Aside from”—I motioned with my hands, unsure how to label the movements— “being homeless.”

Labeling a person as ragged, given our mismatched clothes, dirt stains, and being in need of a bath or ten, is hypocritical. We were filthy ourselves. I frequently hoped one of my remaining spells would allow for self-cleansing. That would make traveling around the town for days on end much easier, and assist with disinfecting my frequent battle wounds.

“He’s a monster. Trust me. We’ve killed him before. But yeah. He’s…” I pretended not to notice as her face changed from stoic to sad, and back to hardened. “It’s weird, but we’ll do what we need to. Once we’re on the other side we’ll see if there’s any way to sabotage the Ogre King’s compound. We have to buy a couple of days or we’ll never make it to Crown State Park and back. Not without putting the others at risk.”

I shrugged. “I offered to go there myself.”

“No!” Callisto fought back her shout.

The homeless man’s head jerked in our direction. He gazed for a few seconds, then resumed his unevenly paced staggering.

“You won’t survive alone,” Callisto said.

“Aw, you care.”

Callisto firmed her expression and said in even tones, “I don’t want anyone to die.”

“People will die.” The brave would die. Clever and cowardly would be dead almost as quick. The stewardesses had told me so and they abhorred lies. They may have misled me but not lied. This fit with my own inability to tell an outright falsehood.

“Not if I can help it,” she said.

Allegra smiled at me and wiggled her eyebrows. I grinned back and pretended to understand what her expression meant. She’d proven difficult to make heads or tails of. That bothered me.

“To the wall,” Callisto said. “Wait before engaging. Thorn, set a trap on the path.”

Traps prior to pulling bosses had become standard. I pooled the red energy and threw it onto the ground between the homeless guy and the wall with trash piled up next to it. The spell made me sway and caused our foe to sniff the air. It seemed unlikely he could smell anything beyond his own stench.

“Allegra?”

“I’ve got heals,” she responded to our leader.

“You ready?” Callisto asked Leon.

“No time like the present.” Leon readied the shield, walked toward the wall, and rolled his neck slightly, causing the metal armor to clink.

I felt slighted that she hadn’t asked me. Callisto bossed me around out here in the field. Being ordered about didn’t add any thrill to my life. Provided we survived, I’d get even with her in a more suitable location.

“Have you heard the word of our lord and savior, Mayor Kent?” Leon asked our next victim.

That set the homeless boss monster into a rage. His head jerked and mouth frothed. Bubbles dripped down his chin as the man ran straight for Leon’s position near the wall. He walked by the explosive rune.

It did not go boom. The three went about their duties for the battle while I paused and experienced unexpected disappointment. Callisto swung her swords. Blurred images trailed after the weapons. The homeless man’s hair twisted and formed a net that softened the impact. She yanked away her blade and swiped the hair with the other sword.

Leon lifted his hammer and light flared from the tip. The homeless man hissed and skittered across the ground on all fours like a broken marionette. I still stood still, stupefied by the lack of effect from my rune. That had never happened before.

I stared at my fingers as if they’d betrayed me. For a moment I considered cutting them off in order to teach my hand a lesson.

“Move!” Callisto shouted.

My head lifted. They were embroiled with a creature becoming more hair than man. Strands reached for everyone in equal measure. Allegra held ribbons of a piece of paper. Tears formed in her eyes.

I blinked and decided to double-check my explosive spell. It took a second to crane my neck over the barely open book. There was no red energy on the first page. The spell hadn’t failed to activate.

“Hawthorn!” Callisto’s voice echoed. She wove back in with both blades. They flashed and beat down multiple times in succession even though her arm only completed a slash once.

My mental gears were caught on one question. “Why didn’t he explode?”

Callisto drove her blade into the man’s body. His arm flew off. Our homeless foe ran away from Leon on three limbs and reached down for the arm. His hair formed a nasty defensive net that kept Callisto from striking while he’d been weakened.

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I continued to stare in confusion as the boss ignored my explosive rune twice more.

“Undead!” Allegra shouted. “His body isn’t real!”

“Oh,” I said.

The homeless man’s head turned a full one eighty until he glared at us with an upside down grin. His scraggly hair dripped toward the ground. He might have found my surprise amusing.

“Gross.” My stomach twisted at the sight. This new world constantly provided disturbing visuals and most slipped by me without thought. A man’s head shouldn’t twist like that.

The failure of my rune finally made sense. It disregarded the monster because his body hadn’t been real. Learning something new about a spell I’d been using frequently, after a month of having the spell, annoyed me.

“Do, something,” Callisto shouted.

I pocketed a recently formed star made knife and worked to summon another net. Black pooled at my fingertips, joints curled in the right pattern, and a bottomless pit to nowhere formed in my palm. My third glowing finger dipped into the starlight and pulled up. The long net came out of the depths. At each juncture a small dot of light showed where the threads of night crisscrossed over each other.

“Charging!” Callisto warned.

Leon grunted. His weapon flashed a bright light. The final length of the net came loose.

The small man slammed me with a fist and sent me sprawling into a wall. A bone snapped. Agony flared and muted a second later. My body’s ability to turn off pain receptors helped during the worst battles.

My little knife might be good in a stabbing fight, but this needed a lawn mower or weed whacker. There had been hair removal products to use from a magic barbershop.

“Do you think hair removal cream would make the boss easier?” I asked our tank.

Leon chuckled weakly. The homeless man staggered. His hair waved without focus.

“He can be dazed,” I said while nodding. My net worked on some bosses, not others. Those who ignored the entrapment entirely were normally immune to any of Leon’s light show magic.

Leon readied his shield. “Fat lot of good that does.”

The undead filthy homeless person with detachable limbs, shook off his stupor and charged. His horror movie form jerked with more speed and strength then it should have. Leon’s body slid backward until he was pinned to the wall.

“Little. Help,” he said between grunts.

I searched for an opening. Hair fluttered everywhere. Bits wove past Leon’s shield and pulled his plate armor. My eyes switched between the knife’s tip and the wild creature’s movements. Normal beasts and monsters were easy because they had weak points.

This would be similar to walking into an aggressive spider web of doom. His hair hadn’t been washed. It disgusted me. Instead of stabbing happily, I coughed violently and gagged on my own tongue.

“Move!” Callisto shouted at me.

Post Note: Callisto shouts a lot during battle. She shouts a lot during intimate moments as well, it’s just harder to understand. This facet of her personality is the same both before and after the event.

I dove to the side. Callisto’s swords could be heard slicing through the air.

“Pushing!” Leon shouted.

The undead monster chittered. Callisto’s feet scraped against the ground. I hurried ten feet in the other direction, trusting them to keep the monster engaged, then turned to see what happened.

Their combined efforts had caused the monster to fall apart. I tilted my head in confusion. Thick strands of hair lay between the scattered limbs that took the place of muscles. The scene reminded me of a broken rag doll that had come apart at the seams.

My eyebrows lifted. I had an idea. Unfortunately, like most great ideas, reality and conceptualization would be wildly different.

First, buy time. The net in my hand flew through the air with a toss.

Frustrating Admission: Learning to toss it had taken weeks. Simply throwing a net is impossible. They have to be wound right, weighted at the end, and spun in such a way that they go wide without tangling themselves. However, for flying enemies, there’s little better unless I learn to cast target seeking fireballs or something similar.

It landed on the scattered bits of monster. Callisto glared at me, I shrugged and waved them back. Allegra did something. I’d hoped for her to disrobe, literally. My head shook off the ill-timed desire and I went back to my task.

The homeless person’s hair had been black. The rune hadn’t gone off when he passed over. I didn’t believe it to be undead, but a puppet, made of human body parts. My first spell differentiated between the main body and a witless extension.

The monster moved too quickly. Too many threads floated around to see where they might trace back to. I stopped looking at the monsters and scanned the floor. There had to be at least a few threads leading to a secret hidden location.

I liked finding secrets.

I ran from trashcan to trashcan searching for a hairball monster or anything similar to stab. The first three spots were devoid of enemies. Callisto shouted at me. Leon’s armor kept banging. I drove thoughts out of my head and worked to use my abilities to find the creature’s body.

Between possible hiding spot four and five, Allegra sat on the ground, hand on paper. A sketch of the other two sat on the sheet. Lead lines of art blurred and bent back into shape as they fought the monster and were healed from the damage through her magic.

I got distracted for a second trying to peek down her clothes then took a deep breath. Being Hawthorn came with complications. The next few spots were also empty of any obvious threats. Behind me the battle raged.

“Duck!” Callisto shouted.

That warning I heard. My body curled into a ball with both hands over my head. A limbless torso flew into the wall nearby. It had been entirely encased in starlight threading. I briefly marveled at the durability of my netting then twirled around to see if there were other dangers to avoid.

The head floated. Hair wiggled and reached with thick threads in our direction. It screamed loudly and hurt my ears. I could smell the foulness and fought back bile building in my throat.

Admission: Regular monsters are bad enough. After a few dozen you learn to bury the mental sensations. Something this close to human, in pieces like a horror movie monster, and smelling like unwashed filth reached a new level.

“He’s finding more parts!” Callisto shouted. “See, his hair!”

Clumps of filthy black strands crawled around. I shuddered. This fight felt much more taxing than all the battles in this dungeon combined. If we didn’t murder it soon I’d get extremely aggravated.

My search brought me to the far end of the battlefield. Leon and Callisto still fought the hair animated body parts. In the sixth trashcan was a large fat rat with sick eyes and long hair sticking out of its body.

A grin broke out as my knife came down. “Found you!”

It hopped out ahead of my blade. The starlit knife scraped against metal with an irritating sound.

I ran after it, knife in the air. The fat rat dodged left and right but managed a straight line for the homeless man’s body.

It ran right over the explosive rune.

The rat went boom.

I stopped running and relished the sweet sensation of success. My earlier failure redeemed.

Callisto held her sword up for a few seconds longer before sighing heavily and letting the weapon drop. Leon peeked from behind his shield. In unison they decided to pummel the remains of the homeless man and half a hairy rat until they turned into yellowish orbs.

I quietly pulled out my debt card from my pants and studied the numbers. Sixteen hundred and thirty five bucks. Our fight hadn’t rewarded me with nearly enough despite landing the decisive blow on the creature’s main body. My head shook.

The others righted themselves and walked over. Callisto had a scowl on her face. She tucked away a sword and pointed at me while her other hand placed firmly on her hip. I tilted my head to match the angle of her posture.

“What happened there? You froze. I’ve never seen you freeze in a fight before,” Callisto said. My concentration wavered to her sweat soaked form and I winced in order to hide the wandering gaze. Post battle adrenaline did serve as an aphrodisiac, but being in this Hawthorn form made thinking clearly a challenge.

“Maybe even Hawthorn fails occasionally,” Leon said. He clapped me on the back. My body jerked under the weighty impact.

“Occasionally,” I said.

Standing there in confusion had been a form of failure. My rune failing to go off disturbed me. It going off when the rat ran over it had made everything right in the world. I hoped the monster had enough brainpower to be surprised as its body was torn to shreds by the force of my spell. That idea made me happy. I snorted and broke into mad laughter.

Post Note: More accurately, my ability’s new aspect surprised me. I assumed it to be failure, but it had been a lack of understanding. These abilities were the secret to my survival and for a moment, I doubted them, myself, and everything. This served as a learning opportunity.

“I don’t like undead,” I said after calming down. My nose felt clogged. “Or waving hair.”

That brought my weaknesses up to at least four. Lust for female backsides both large and small. A main body that I compulsively kept quiet about. Undead who couldn’t be blown up. Unwashed hair.

“I guess you’re not the perfect son after all,” Callisto said.

“Correct. I am a terrible son.” The realization made me pause. A lie would have been impossible to utter so logically this had been the truth. I was a bad son.

The others were wise enough to ignore my commentary. They might also be storing away details in a similar manner to my own information gathering.

“All right, we’ll check for treasure, then we’ll go up the ladder over there,” Callisto said. “Allegra can you spare some mana to check for secret rooms? I don’t want to compromise the second mission here.”

Allegra nodded and gazed at her large piece of paper. My body shook from a deep shuddering breath. My wounds were superficial. She wouldn’t spare a second to heal me. Our focus had shifted from my problems to business as usual. This was preferred.

We went about searching for treasure. This process confused me. Monsters dying and becoming orbs still struck me as odd. Expecting to find a sacred pair of panties after beating up a homeless person, or some other equally illogical item, also made no sense.

When we found a pair of magical panties, Callisto suggested that Leon wear them instead. He took the item. This world we lived in stunk of illogical madness. I replayed the fight with the monster and magical item. There were always lessons to learn and I’d continue absorbing this knowledge.

Post Note: With regard to the double dead hair boss monster, this isn’t the weirdest combination I’ve seen. We had the steroid mini-hulk cashier who threw soda bottles. The three headed hydra that argued with itself and had Dalmatian coloring (I may not have mentioned this). And a bird who screamed, “Your mom’s a whore,” over and over while dropping explosive defecation on the ground.

For those interested, I de-winged the bird and kept it alive as I plucked every single feather. The others refused to talk to me for three days. I still consider this a win all around. It should be noted that I do not enjoy insults to my mother.