Am I being punished for something?

Utter blackness surrounded me, going in all directions as far as the eye could see. There was absolutely nothing. It wasn’t darkness, because I could still see my hands just fine, but it was just... nothingness. There wasn’t even any ground or surface whatsoever beneath my feet. I floated as if I was in water, but I didn’t feel any water or any other liquid.

I rubbed my hands together.

Yep, they feel dry... Speaking of feeling, I can’t feel anything except myself... as if there was no air. But if there was no air then how am I breathing? Wait... am I not breathing?... Yep, not breathing. Shouldn’t I be dead then? Or do I just not need to breathe anymore? Wait... Why did I assume I needed to breathe in the first place? Did I used to breathe? I... I can’t remember.

There were a lot of things that I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t remember how I got here... And just the fact that I’m trying to remember how I got here seems to imply that I must have come from somewhere other than this nowhere. Strange.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes. Was I being punished? I must be, if I really did come from somewhere. And If I had come from somewhere then surely I would never have consented to come to this nowhere. And if I didn’t consent to coming here then I must have been forced into this situation.

And I was forced into this place then it must be a punishment of some sort... this place sucks, no one would do this to anyone unless they hated them...

That thought always stuck in my head... not the thoughts about punishment. No, that train of thought (what even is a train?) is one of my more recent thoughts. No, that’s not what stuck.

No one. They. Them... those words implied other people. There! Another word. People. More than one person... What a nice thought. People.

Here in this nowhere I was all alone. Alone. Only one. Me.

Me, alone in this infinite void of nothing.

That’s how I came to the thought that I was being punished for something I did.

Did... action. Doing something. Here in this void, I can’t really do anything other than swing my arms and legs around and think.

If I did something other people didn’t like, something worth punishing, then what exactly did I do?... I can’t think of anything other than swinging my limbs about... breathe? Did I breathe wrong?... maybe I swung one of my arms into someone and they didn’t like it... Why would they not like it?... because it would hurt... what is “hurt”?

I tried to wrap my mind around that concept. Hurt. pain. If someone feels pain then something is wrong with their body. If someone feels pain then that means that they were hurt... If someone hurt someone else...

Why would anyone do that!?

Pride. Hatred. Anger. Greed. Revenge...

This new train of thought is bringing up so many new words. Bad words. Words that mean someone, somewhere, was hurt. Or will be hurt. I didn’t like it.

If I hurt someone maybe I deserved to be sent to this place where there is no one to hurt... But I’m so lonely... I don’t like being alone.

I still need to figure out what in the world a train is... Wait... what is a “world”?...

A new development from the “train” train of thought! How exciting!

It’s... a planet... a place people live... floating in space...

What a development!

I looked around at the emptiness around me.

Is this space?... It must be...Not! A “space” still has “things” in it right? Particles floating around... If this void was space, then shouldn’t I feel something when I swing my limbs around?... and space is filled with stars right?... What are stars?... balls of light... maybe?

Light... that wasn’t the first time I had thought about that word. Light. Not darkness.

Darkness... that is what this void looked like... dark. Pitch black. If I had light then maybe I could see things that I’ve never seen before... well, things that I don’t remember seeing before at least.

Light... light would be nice... I thought, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I stopped swinging my arms and legs around and just let them drift, not bothering to give them any sort of command. They’ve been swinging for a long time after all and could use the rest... not that they needed it. I never seemed to go tired no matter how long I swing my limbs around, but just because something doesn’t need to rest, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t ever do it. If you’re always doing something then rest is a change of pace, and everyone needs a change of pace every once in a while. And so, I rested.

I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head of all trains of thought... Is that what a “train” is? A word to describe the processes of the mind? Or maybe... No! Clear the mind. Rest.

I pushed the thoughts out and let myself relax... and drift... and slip into unconsciousness.

Unconsciousness... to let time flow by unnoticed... with no thoughts.

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How long have I slept? I don’t know, I was unconscious!... Not that I could tell even if I had been awake... It must have been centuries, millennia, eons since I first remember being in this nowhere... or maybe it was only a week or even a day.

No... It can’t have just been a day... or even a week. It must have been far longer than that. I have gone through so many trains after all. Going through a train does take a long time to do... and I must have gone through at least 12 trains. Ok. A lot more than 12. I never really counted...

Numbers. That was a very useful concept to figure out. That train of thought had taken a very long time to count all those numbers... It was only after I counted all the way up to 429.3 septillion that I realized that the idea behind numbers was that you could just keep going on forever.

That train of thought was a long time ago though... and when I first woke up here, it had taken a really long time to even think to think!... So how long have I really been here?

I rubbed my chin and hummed thoughtfully.

What!?

What did I just do? What was that? Was that vibrations? Sound?

I hummed again. And again... and again.

After no one knows how long, I stopped humming to think.

How can I hum if I don’t breathe? Wait... why would I have to breathe in order to hum?... I don’t know... I just do it.

I held my hand up in front of my mouth and nose then hummed. No breath. A part of my throat was vibrating when I hummed.

Is that vibration what makes the humming? Can vibration make more sounds?

I hummed again, trying to make different sounds. I screeched.

That was unpleasant...

I spent a great deal of time trying new sounds. New combinations of vibrations... and then I got a great idea.

Can’t I speak the words I know?

I tried it.

“Me. I. People. Trains. One. Two. Three...” I counted for a long time. Speaking.

Wait... How am I speaking? There is nothing to carry the sound vibrations... wait.

I realized that I couldn’t hear anything.

I tried speaking again, this time focusing on my hearing... Nope. I didn’t hear anything with my ears. No sound left my mouth. I was just feeling the vibrations from my throat and my mind processed that as if I was hearing it... Interesting. If there was air would I have heard it? Yes, that’s how sound works. Sound vibrations need a medium to travel through.

New things to think about are always exciting. It was so boring here in nowhere.

What more can I do with vibrations and whatever it is my vocal chords are doing... Vocal chords! So that is what’s vibrating in my throat! So cool.

I tried humming and speaking in different ways, going through all the different ways and combinations that I could think of.

Anything is better than being bored.

I tried speaking by drawing out the words, making my voice high or low... I was singing.

Singing was fun. It was no wonder that people would go to concerts to listen to good singers... even if the singers dress-up all weird...

Dress-up?... costume... clothes.

I looked down at my bare chest, and past that to the thing floating between my legs. I wasn’t wearing anything. That meant that I was naked... I shrugged.

Not like I can do anything about it. And there’s no one here who can see me anyways.

This was a very unexpected train to come from singing.

I giggled (a sound/vibration I learned earlier. It means I’m happy!) Unexpected trains of thought were always fun moments. It meant that I wasn’t bored!

It had been a very long time since I had had a new thought. I had experimented as much as I could with singing, speaking, and humming. I tried every possible combination of sounds and words that I knew. It was a great time.

But now I’m bored.

What could I think about now?... I don’t know.

So I slept. Better to sleep than to be bored.

This sucks.

I’m bored again.

I have nothing to do besides swing my limbs around and sing and... wait. Isn’t this dancing?

I swung my arms, kicked out my legs, and sang. I danced. I tried to coordinate my arms and legs into some form of rhythmic movement that seemed to match what I sang. Something new to do! I’m not bored anymore!

I’m bored again.

Dancing isn’t new anymore.

I made a sound/vibration of discontent, of disappointment. Now what can I think about?

I stared at the infinite void of blackness before me.

It was too much. Too much time with so little to do. Too little to think about. Why couldn’t I just remember things that came before this nothingness. Why couldn’t I remember people? What did people even look like? Did they look like me?

I hate this place. Yes, I know that “hate” isn’t a good word, but what else can I say about it? It was nothingness. And I have been here for so, so long.

I screamed in frustration and hatred and loneliness.

“I don’t want nothingness! Why am I here? If I’m being punished then hasn’t it been long enough!?”

I screamed wordlessly, venting my emotions.

“Stop being Nothing!” I screamed at the nothingness... the scream cut off. What just happened?

The nothingness wasn’t there anymore... It was emptiness. It was still blackness... no, it was darkness. Something changed with my sight. It was as if I shouldn’t be able to see my body anymore but somehow I still could... Was this like how I shouldn’t be able to use my vocal chords but still can, except with my eyes. I shouldn’t be able to see but I still can. Huh...

What’s going on? What changed? Did the nothingness change because I told it too?

If that was the case... then maybe...

“Hey, Emptiness. Let there be light!”

And there was light.