Marius wasn’t done talking about Janosch, though. He seemed to think very highly of him, which surprised me.

“His shot-calling is insane. His drafting, on the other hand, isn’t that great. But since we don’t have a coach or anything like that, one of the players has to do it. He was the only to step up and takes that responsibility. I really hope he’ll show what he's got tomorrow. I think we can win if he does.”

“You really think so? I mean… That we can win?” My uncertainty couldn’t be hidden. Judging from today's scrim, I thought everyone on the team would feel the same about our chances of winning being extremely low.

“Yeah, for sure. The other teams aren’t bad, but this isn’t some super high-level stuff. We even beat some Grandmaster teams in scrims before.”

“Oh…” That got me thinking. “How’s your actual mid-laner? I mean… is he good?” I didn’t dare to ask the actual question in my mind, which would have been, ‘Is he better than me?’ but this would do as well. I couldn’t imagine what kind of person would even fit into this team. How did their scrims usually look? Maybe it was my fault that today went so badly?

“He’s alright. Not much of a talker, but pretty good mechanically. He mostly plays carry champs like Yone and LeBlanc… that kind of stuff.”

So he’s basically the opposite of me?

At this point, I felt a bit insecure. My only strength was how safely I played on my mages. And how well I farmed. So, late game and scaling comps were my strong suit. But when asked about my strengths, I wasn’t necessarily proud to say this. It felt like an expected skill set. And there was much more expected of me which I didn’t fulfill. Although I knew I was much better than most people at controlled play styles, compared to me, they weren't limited to that one play style.

They could just play anything. Most of them just decided against playing certain stuff, because they thought it wasn't strong. For example Lux. Almost nobody played her, but if they wanted to, then they could.

On the other hand, I only played a limited amount of champions which were all around the same identity. Yes, I played them very well, but I couldn’t play any of the carry-champions at all. Even thinking about playing such high skilled picks made my hands sweat instantly. I felt like a total looser. Why would any team even want to get me? It's like I always argued against me, trying to find reasons that were speaking for me, but whenever I found one, it immediately slipped through my hands.

“What’s wrong, Noah? You’re getting so quiet,” Marius asked, somewhat concerned, but curious at the same time.

“Huh? Oh, well… it’s nothing.”

"..."

“You're pretty bad at lying.” Marius giggled.

“I know…”

“So, what’s wrong? You seem to have zero trust in yourself,”

“Well, I… I’m not a flashy player, and most teams don’t want that…”

“But not every player in a team needs to be the flashy. If everyone wants to carry, then it’s going to end horribly. So it might also be a strength; the fact that you can support others and leave the fame to them.”

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

I had to let that sink in for a moment. Something in me, a feeling of deep insecurity, made it hard to feel like I was worth anything. Anyway, I found it cute how hard Marius was trying to help me.

But at the same time I was also worried that his nice personality might just be a facade to gain my trust. It’s not like I wanted to think that of him or expected it, but I was aware of the possibility.

Very aware.

I moved a bit further away from him until reaching the edge of the bed. Hopefully he wouldn't notice.

“Yeah… I hope other people see it that way as well,” I answered, unsure how to take his almost complimenting words.

“You just need to climb a bit more in solo-queue, and then it could work out for you. Just don’t get cocky like Gregor… He’s got all the talent mechanically, but his attitude fucks him over.”

“How do people even get that way? Why would he throw his talent out the window like that?”

Marius let out another deep sigh, as if I had asked him a deep question like ‘what’s the purpose of life?’

“I don’t know him as well as Janosch because he’s pretty new to the team… I think it’s just that his parents are loaded, and he's never really had to work for anything. Spoiled, you know?"

"Uhm... yea?"

"He just lacks motivation because, well, everything's been handed to him on a silver platter."

I’d never thought that being rich could ever be a bad thing. Okay, besides the fact that a lot of fake friends would start showing up. But other than that… money could act like a safety net. If you mess up, you’re still going to be fine. But if it takes all your will to work for anything because you simply don’t need to, then it’s kind of sad.

“Hmm, okay, I can see that, but still, it’s annoying me because he chose to play, right? If he doesn’t care, why would he be playing competitively in the first place?”

“He probably doesn’t know either. We just took him into the team because he was the best we could get. And sometimes, when you’re desperate, you don’t see the obvious. At the start, he was much more invested. But that faded pretty fast. After some losses, he started showing up late and stuff…”

“Oh, I see. That’s pretty common around our level, I guess…”

“We’re preparing for the worst. It can only get better in the future!”

We both laughed at the sad reality, and it helped coping. In this moment, I wished it would be just as easy to laugh it off when I was alone…

“Maybe I won’t have to share a bed with someone anymore, then,” I teased Marius.

“Hey! It’s not that bad, is it? But I get it… You’re a girl. It’s honestly a bit weird. But we didn’t even know you were, until you arrived, I swear!”

“What? Really?” Couldn’t Nick tell by my voice? Was it still that deep?

“At least I didn’t know. Maybe Nick didn’t feel like it was necessary for us to know. I mean… In the end, it doesn’t actually matter, right? Besides sharing the bed, that is, hehe.”

I was surprised. Usually, female players were rare to see in competitive play or just playing in the female league instead. I wouldn’t want to join that league, though. I wanted to compete at the top, no matter the gender.

“So Nick is a real ‘gigachad’, huh? Not caring about me being a girl, and not making a big deal out of it. Pretty admirable.”

"Yeah, either that or he's gay."

I chuckled loudly. "Pfffh! Maybe he should have been the one sharing a bed with me then!"

"Yeah, but which gay dude would want to sleep in a bed next to a girl? Have you ever considered his feelings?"

"Hm, that's a good point." No, it wasn't. But it's still funny.

"He's a gigachad regardless. I love that guy."

"I wouldn't say I love him, but yeah, he's pretty cool... like... you."