So.

Here’s the thing.

We were supposed to go to the next battle, but Window decided to pop up again.

One, seeing as how I ended last chapter, you could have said “but Window was still there” instead of “pop up again” because the latter implies I left and just returned when I never even left.

Two, heck you.

Three, so, here’s the thing.

“What is the thing, Window?” I asked.

Because I was at the start of the last chapter, that means when copy-pasting the chapter header and line break and formatting and stuff for a new chapter, I was included.

So I thought this chapter could start off with me again.

Teehee.

“You don’t go ‘teehee.’ It’s weird when you say that.”

Like oh-em-gee, can’t a totally cute informational status window try out like, a new character trait every now and then??? lol

“What are you, a stereotypical teen girl from a decade ago?”

You’re right, that was too boomer.

Hmm…

How about I start saying stuff like no cap fr fr where yo rizz at ong?

“Was that even English?”

My rizz is too mega based and hip-pilled for you.

“What?”

Vala, having apparently returned with Lavi, pressed her chin down against the top of my head as she clung to my back like an animal. “Drake, we both know the truth that I’m… you know, not exactly young, and even I know everything she’s saying.”

“Yeah, but you’re exactly the type of person who would know. If you were living like you used to back when we played games together until we came here, then you were terminally online and using lingo that confused me even when I was supposed to be the teen in the know.”

“Hehehe, a totally hip and young dragon waifu like me has to stay up to date with everything. That way nobody will be able to figure out my real age. Forever twenty-one, dude.”

Vala’s got that drip fr fr no cap ong

“Wait!” Vala shouted. “Wait. Like, wait for two different reasons. The first wait can wait. The second wait is for the second thing I noticed right after saying the first wait.”

I wasn’t sure which wait was which, but I still asked, “What?” I felt like I was asking that a lot for somebody who was supposed to have given up on ever questioning anything.

“Why are you choking Cami?”

I looked down at where my hands were.

Oh.

Right.

I was still choking Cami. My hands were wrapped pretty tightly around her throat, too. Her eyes were just… lifelessly looking forward while a bit of drool ran down her chin.

She… kind of looked dead.

I actually worried a bit and let go as soon as I noticed that I might have to use my power to resurrect her and—

“Why’d you stop?” Cami asked, her eyes back to normal within a second of letting go of her.

“You… you looked dead,” I answered.

“But it felt good.”

“But you looked dead.”

“Dead from pleasure.”

“I—you weren’t actually dead, right?”

Cami shook her head and grabbed my wrists to pull my hands back to her neck. “Continue, please.”

Once again… I tightened my hands around her throat, causing her to tremble for a few moments at first before going limp again.

Well, as long as Cami was happy and enjoying it, that was all that mattered.

“So, what about the other wait?” I asked Vala.

“Oh, right,” Vala said. “Uhh… I forgot. Uh… oh! I remember!”

“Good job. I’m proud of you.”

“Hehehe, thanks. Anyways! Me and Window using all that totally hip and young folk lingo… is going to have the opposite effect if somebody reads this in ten years… no… even five years… actually… maybe even by the end of the year…. By trying to look young and cool… we’ve doomed ourselves to looking old…”

Maybe this is why they say that good writers should never use modern lingo and pop culture references. Then it feels “dated” and unrelatable and confusing.

Hmm…

guess I’ll have to figure out some other new character trait, fr fr

Vala let out a sad sigh before saying, “It’s time to lower the dongers.”

That one might be a bit too old.

“Yeah? And you think gacha idol games won’t get old?”

They won’t. There will always be a love for cute girls, and companies will never abandon the gacha format because of how profitable it is.

Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!

Gacha idol waifus are here to stay.

“Dang, I can’t argue against that. But by that logic… cute waifus trying to act hip will never get old, right? So even if we try to be hip by using modern slang and references, then it won’t matter how dated it gets, because a cute girl trying to act hip will never get old!”

You’re already ol—

For once, it wasn’t me who threw Window.

It was Vala.

Window went flying through the ocean until we could no longer see her, and Vala clapped her hands together with a satisfied look on her face once our informational status window wife went out of sight.

Vala then looked at Cami, looked at me, and then looked over at Clawdia.

Clawdia looked… well, even more dead than Cami did. While Cami looked dead from pleasure, Clawdia looked dead from jealousy. All she could do was sit on the ground staring at my hands around Cami’s neck.

Vala looked at Claire next.

While Cami was dead from jealousy, Claire was trying her best not to collapse to her knees from pleasure as she watched me strangle Cami.

Both Clawdia and Claire were jealous, just… in very different ways.

“Honey,” I called out.

Honey came running over from Delphi’s soup class as soon as she heard her name. “Need something, Muffin?”

“I don’t, but I know somebody who does.”

“What’s up?”

I nodded my head toward Clawdia since my hands were busy already. “She needs choked. Think you can manage that?”

“I can try.”

“Make sure to be as rough with her as you can, alright?”

Clawdia’s eyes filled up with life once more, her cheeks growing red as she began to scoot backwards across the sandy surface of the ocean. “D-d-don’t—come—don’t come near me! I—I would never want to feel the brutish hands of a honey badger with no fucks to give crushing my larynx, nya!”

Honey looked at me and asked, “Muffin, that means she wants me to go super rough, right?”

“She wants you to basically kill her,” I answered.

“Alright, I think I understand. I’ve seen enough men choking men in my games.”

With that, Honey walked up to Clawdia, who kept on scooting away from her despite the fact that her eyes couldn’t possibly look any more excited than they did. As soon as Honey was close enough, she pinned Clawdia down to the ground by pressing her foot against her stomach, kept her in place as she straddled her hips, and then, while sitting on top of her, wrapped her hands around Clawdia’s neck while looking at her as if she were a disgusting human.

Wait, shouldn’t that be like a disgusting insect?

“Insects are not disgusting,” I answered. “And they’re extremely beneficial to nature.”

Back to Clawdia, it didn’t take long for her entire body to tremble just like Cami’s did.

Both Clawdia and Cami felt nothing but pleasure, but… for very different reasons.

“I can’t keep doing this forever, Cami,” I said. “I have to give the others service, too. Plus I have another queen to go conquer.”

Cami struggled to lift her hand up, but she managed to and gave me a thumbs-up.

I finally let go of her neck.

“Thanks, Master,” Cami said. “I’ll remember almost being choked to death for the rest of my life.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good thing to remember,” I said.

“It’s not a good thing. It’s the best thing.”

“Are you sure you’re not a masochist, too?”

“I’m into all lewd things. I can be the choker or the chokee. But what’s important is the neck touching.” Cami then looked like she got an idea seeing as how her eyes ever so subtly widened. “Ah.” She looked at Claire. “You’re a vampire bat.”

Claire cleared her throat, thighs still pressed together, and said, “Yes, that is correct.”

Cami cocked her head to the side to expose her bruised neck and pointed at it. “Then drink my blood.”

“Ah… to be demanded to partake in the sloppy seconds of your neck after my lord has so clearly abused it… nothing would make me happier.”

Sloppy… seconds… of Cami’s neck?

No.

Stop it, me.

Stop questioning things.

Claire wanted Cami’s sloppy neck seconds and that was all that mattered. The logic and thought process there didn’t.

But now that my hands were free, I could snap my fingers and teleport us to the final battle. I had no idea where the final battle was even going to take place at other than “at the final battle,” but that was enough.

And when we arrived at our new destination… I had to admit, I was impressed.

There was a tall, crystal-like palace surrounding by towers of glowing coral, fish schools of all colors swimming all around, and just… so much life. It felt like there was a gargantuan coral reef full of vibrant colors and life surrounding a huge, beautiful, crystalline palace.

That was when I had an idea.

“It’s a shame that corals aren’t plants,” I said.

Lavi, standing at my side, asked, “Why’s that, Master?”

“Because I can’t grow them in a garden.”

“But couldn’t you still have a fish tank and grow them in there?”

“It’s not the same. They’re still animals, not plants. That would be like ranching, not gardening. However… I could use my powers to create a plant variant of coral and then use that giant lake next to our house as their garden. I’ll make freshwater-safe plant-coral that I can grow in the lake! And Lake should benefit from it, too. All that coral will mean even more fish for her to catch. On top of that, we’ll have a lake full of bright, glowing coral right next to our house. That’d make it an even better date spot.”

“A-ah… that… that does sound kind of nice…”

“But for you, Lavi, I know of an even better place that I could take you out on a date to.”

“You—you do?”

“I do. We could create an observatory at the end of the universe surrounded by black holes.”

Lavi’s eye was practically glowing even brighter than the coral when she heard that. “Ooooohhhh! That sounds amazing, Master! Surrounded by the ultimate darkness!”

“That’s right. And then we can make a child while surrounding by black holes to assert dominance over them, because what would be a better method of asserting dominance over the ultimate destructive force in the universe than creating new life while surrounded by it?”

“That sounds so badass! I can’t wait until—w-wait… wha—what was that about… creating new life… a-and… making a child?”

“I kind of hope he’s a boy. I already have two daughters. Though, if she’s a girl instead, I’ll still love her just as much.’

Lavi raised her hands up to her cheeks to cover up how much they were blushing as I looked around and noticed something else.

The scenery was… surprisingly phallic.

Those towers of coral… if one had an even slightly perverse mind… could easily tell that they looked like—

“Woah,” Vala said. “We’re surrounded by penises.”

There were even sea slugs crawling across the ocean floor that looked suspiciously phallic.

And before I could say anything else… Zoa spoke up and declared, “That is because penises are the greatest things in the world! I still am not quite sure what a human’s penis looks like, but I know enough to have surrounded myself with that which is as close as possible to it from the best of my knowledge!”

I turned around to look at Zoa and saw her triumphantly standing there with her hands on her hips and her eyes full of confidence. Though, as soon as I was facing her, her eyes immediately went down to my crotch.

“Ah… to know that a penis is so close to me… I simply must see it!” Yet, somehow, there was practically zero perversion in her voice and expression. She was obsessed with dicks and wanted nothing more than to see mine, yet she was so… innocent at the same time.

I looked at Cami, who was in the middle of curling her toes while Claire sucked on her neck, and she looked away before our eyes could meet.

I sighed and looked back at Zoa. “You can look at it and play with it as much as you want once we defeat yo—”

“I surrender!” Zoa announced. “Alright, I am ready! Penis, please!”

A nuclear-tier explosion then went off in the background, annihilating her palace and—

NO

Mid explosion… it looked like time paused and then rewinded to undo the explosion and return the palace to its normal, intact form.

AT LEAST PRETEND TO HAVE A FINAL BATTLE FIRST

WE ARE NOT LETTING HER LITERALLY JUST SURRENDER BEFORE THE BATTLE EVEN BEGINS

IF WE ALLOW THAT THEN ALL BATTLES ARE BASICALLY POINTLESS BECAUSE EVERY QUEEN WILL JUST SURRENDER BY DEFAULT SO THAT SHE CAN COME AND BE A WIFE

THEY NEED TO EARN IT BY PLAYING ALONG WITH THE BATTLES

“Window has a point,” I said. “And it wouldn’t be fair to Clawdia and Mariet.”

“But—but I want to see your penis!” Zoa said. “Please! I do not know how I can live for even another minute without experiencing its glory! My lifeforce feels as if it slips away with every passing second that I do not get to admire it! If I were a fish, then your penis would be my water! I wish to swim in an ocean of your penis!”

“I’ll let you do whatever you want with it as soon as we have our battle, but you have to actually pretend to put up a fight at least. Once we battle, we can—”

“I see! Very well! Then come, Drake Hunter! I shall be your foe! We shall meet on the battlefield in a clash of epic fury and—” Zoa then proceeded to very purposely “trip” over a piece of coral on the ground. “Oh no! I have been defeated! My health has drained to zero from such a powerful attack! Ah, woe is me!” She then locked her eyes onto my crotch again.

I looked at Window.

Nope. Not good enough.

I looked at Zoa and shook my head.

Zoa’s eyes immediately watered. “But I tried so hard and have come so far! Are you telling me that even in the end, it does not matter?!”

“Zoa, if it were up to me, I would immediately give you all the penis you could ever ask for and more just because you referenced one of the greatest songs of all time.”

Zoa nodded and smiled before saying, “I love rock and metal! Perhaps we can listen to it while I admire your penis!”

“Is everything about penis with you?”

“Until I get to experience it, yes! My other character traits can be shown off later!”

“Fair enough. Anyways, let’s put on a battle so that Window doesn’t complain about it.”

Zoa stood up and sighed. “Very well. As much as it pains me to put even an inch of distance more between your penis and I, I will do it for the greatest future.”

“Don’t worry. The battle won’t last long. I have a habit of knowing how to break the rules and win faster than planned.”