I may or may not have discovered a new plot hole.

Or well, I guess it’s not really a plot hole so much as it is a… “writer writes cat girl like a dog girl because they have no idea what an actual cat girl would be like when applying cat logic to her instead of dog logic” hole.

“What?” I asked. I was just sitting there, trying to enjoy Cami’s chest while she squirmed on top of me, while also watching the battle, but then Window appeared and distracted me from everything.

One, don’t make it sound like I’m a distraction unless it’s in a positive way, like that meme of the guy walking down a street with his girlfriend and then he turns his head to look at an even more attractive girl. That’s the only kind of distraction that I’m allowed to be.

Two, THINK ABOUT IT.

CLAWDIA IS A CAT GIRL. A CAT. GIRL. CAT. GIRL.

BUT WHAT DOES SHE DO?

SHE WAGS HER TAIL.

CLAWDIA GETS ALL EXCITED AND WAGS HER TAIL JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER ANIMAL-BASED GIRL HERE DOES, BUT THAT’S LIKE, A DOG THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT CATS DO WHEN THEY’RE HAPPY AND AT PEACE?

THEIR TAILS STAY STILL. SURE, SOMETIMES, THEIR TAIL MIGHT CALMLY SWISH AROUND, BUT THEY DON’T WAG THEIR TAILS. EVEN WHEN PLAYING, THEY DON’T REALLY WAG THEIR TAILS, THEY JUST SORT OF SOMETIMES SWISH AROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS WHEN A CAT WAGS THEIR TAIL?

IT MEANS THEY’RE DISTRESSED. ANXIOUS. UPSET. ANNOYED.

“Doesn’t that describe Clawdia?”

…

wait.

Am I simultaneously overthinking and underthinking things at the same time?

Clawdia is a tsundere. Her whole thing is that she gets annoyed and upset and stressed by being honest with her feelings. The more lovey-dovey and/or aroused she is, the more she’s upset that she’s being that way because it distresses her to be honest with her true feelings.

In that case… was Clawdia actually accurate by cat lore all along?

Cats wag their tails when stressed and anxious. Clawdia is always acting stressed and anxious, even when she’s happy, so it would only make sense for her tail to wag even when she’s happy, because being outwardly happy stresses her out, and if she’s aware that her tail is wagging and revealing her true emotions despite that not being how cat tails work, then she would end up wagging her tail even more due to the stress from that, which would make her tail wag for a cat lore accurate reason…

By not being a cat girl who acts like a real cat… she acts like a real cat?

You could probably type up an entire thesis paper on Clawdia’s cat-ness. This is something that all cat researchers across the world should investigate.

“I don’t think it’s that deep.”

That’s what he said.

Anyways.

Maybe there’s not a plot hole after all. If there is, people can just deal with it I guess.

I’m going back to my gacha games now. There’s a limited banner running, and when you get your affection with her high enough, you unlock a special screen where she puts her feet on your face.

If only my gacha waifus could really step on my face…

“Window, are you saying you want me to step on your face?”

Eww, no, heck off.

I want a GACHA WAIFU to step on my face. You are neither gacha nor waifu. Besides, everybody knows that waifus’ feet are superior to men’s feet. I want a cute, fictional, 2D girl to step on me with her cute, scentless, dirt-and-fungus-free feet.

But you’re a guy. Not only are you a guy, but you’re always walking around outside, and you don’t wear shoes when you’re in your garden. Your feet are probably disgusting and too masculine and smelly. Only the cleanest and most feminine of feet get to step on my face.

Ugh. Real people are the worst.

“You know you’re in a relationship with over ten real people, right?”

That’s not the same.

“You know you have a daughter who is a real person, too, right?”

It’s still not the same.

You’re all real people who I personally approve of, so it’s okay. Also, everybody else I know is great. My wives are all super cute girls who are nice to me and treat me with respect. Luca is my adorable daughter who loves me and is a good girl.

Then there’s you.

You’re hot, not cute. You bully me in stupidly fun ways instead of act nice and respectful to me. You smell in a way that makes me want you to choke me and break the bed, not in a nice feminine way that makes me want to cuddle with you.

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

Therefore, you don’t get to step on my face.

“You know you just complimented me and revealed your kink, right?”

Nope.

Wrong.

They’re not compliments if they’re objective truths. There’s a difference between pointing out the obvious and giving somebody a compliment, you non-virgin virgin.

Window started to grow red after that, so she disappeared before either of us could say anything else.

That was when Cami tilted her head to kiss my jawline and grab my attention. “Master?”

“Yeah?” I replied.

“I volunteer for helping you practice be rough enough to break the bed. You want to make Window happy, don’t you? Then you need to practice to get good at it so you can make her happy. I volunteer.”

“You just want me to wrap my hands around your neck and choke you until you can’t even breathe anymore. The bed breaking is just a bonus to you.”

Cami… trembled and blushed just from hearing those words even more than she was when I was groping her.

“In that case, maybe my hands have been on the wrong things these past few minutes.” I slipped my hands away from her chest, slowly trailing them up toward her neck, causing Cami to let out an excited gasp. “I wonder where you want these hands to go. Maybe… on top of your head?”

“I… I like headpats… but…”

“But what?”

Cami bit her lower lip before grabbing my hands herself and guiding them up to her neck. “He-here…”

“You’re pretty flustered all of a sudden. I thought you’re supposed to be the pervert who’s good with all this lewd stuff?”

“But… neck touches…”

“Is it really just neck touching if I choke you?”

I moved my hands onto each side of her neck, the tips of my fingers from each hand meeting each other in the front, and then I tightened my grasp. Cami immediately responded by moaning and grinding down even harder against me as she arched her back, drool already running down her chin.

That was when Window reappeared.

I came back because there’s a new enemy.

And what do I see?

I see my husband, the father of my child, choking another woman right after I implied I wanted him to choke me.

You know getting cucked is Claire’s thing, not mine, right?

“We’re getting practice,” I explained. “Isn’t that right?” With my hands still around Cami’s neck, I made her head nod.

fuck that’s hot

ANYWAYS

GO LOOK AT THE BATTLEFIELD OR SOMETHING TO NARRATE THAT YOU SEE A NEW ENEMY AND THEN I CAN ACTUALLY GIVE YOU THE INFORMATION FOR IT

While still choking Cami, I looked out over the battlefield and saw a swarm of crabs snapping their pincers over and over again, and each one also had a flag sticking up from their bags that showed a bowl of soup with an X over it.

It was a good thing Delphi was too distracted to see that. Then again, what would happen if she did? Would she go berserk? Get depressed? Reeducate them? I wasn’t sure. Either way, Window gave me the new information she wanted to give me.

New Enemy Discovered!

Anti Soup Crab

Threat: ★★★★

HP: Oh no, it’s been so long since doing one of these that I’m not sure what I should put for each category anymore. Uh… they have enough health?

Damage: crab claws hurt I think, so a lot?

Defense: they have shells, so those should be sturdy, right?

Okay, I can do the description part well enough. Ahem. The Anti Soup Crabs are crabs who want to free their brethren from the seductive clutches of soup! Between the delicious scent of soup and having a teacher like Delphi who has the body that every student would wish their teacher had so they could look at it during class, not that the crabs are even looking because they’re respectful, know she’s taken, and because they’re there for the soup instead of her—where was I going with this again? Oh, right. Between the delicious scent of soup and Delphi being absolute mommy, these crabs want to free their brethren from their seductive clutches! That’s why they have sworn off any and all soup so that they can free crabs across the world from soup!

I looked over at Delphi and saw her helping several crabs into a boiling pot of soup.

“You know, maybe the crabs have a point,” I said. “It does look like she’s encouraging them to commit ritual suicide for cannibalism over there, and it looks like she’s helping them do it.”

They’ll be fine.

probably???

Looking back at the battlefield while tightening my grip around Cami’s neck a bit more, causing her to shudder even more as her drool made it down to my fingers, I noticed that the crabs were pretty huge. The ones in Delphi’s class were just normal, small crabs. But the ones on the battlefield? They were about half the size of Valkyria.

“It’s been too long since I’ve had crab,” I said. “Let’s have crab for dinner tonight.”

The incoming crabs must have heard what I said, took the flags off their backs, drew on them using markers that I didn’t understand the origin of, and then put the flags back. Now, not only was there an X over soup, but there was an X over my face.

Claire then turned back to look at me, showed an incredibly lustful expression for a moment upon seeing me and Cami, and closed her eyes. The next time she opened her eyes, her expression was back to normal as she said, “If you desire, I would be glad to turn these beasts into your dinner, my lord.”

“Just beat them up,” I replied. “I can snap some crab meat into existence without having to kill any crabs for it.”

Claire nodded and turned away to resume focusing on the battle.

Meanwhile, Chloe waited for the first crab in her lane to reach her.

Chloe and the crab had a dramatic stare down… and then they swung their arms at each other.

The crab swung with a giant, spiky claw.

Chloe swung with a small, human fist.

The two forces met at the halfway point between their bodies, and there was an immediate gust of wind—no, multiple gusts of wind, that kept on blowing outward from the impact zone.

It was way too dramatic of a punch for a simple enemy.

But it didn’t stop there and dramatic music even began to play from all around us.

“After… after coming so far… I won’t give up here!” Chloe shouted as her fist began to glow.

“Window,” I said.

I don’t know either.

Understandable.

Then the crab looked at Chloe with determined eyes, and his claw began to glow as well.

That was when my vision was replaced by… a training montage of Chloe working out, sparring at the gym, and… reading fight scenes in manga.

The training montage ended and brought us back to the present battle. “I’ve worked so hard, and I have friends to protect now, so I won’t let you defeat me!” Chloe shouted as the energy around her fist intensified even more.

And to match her intensity, the crab’s energy glowed brighter, too.

Pieces of Chloe’s clothes then began to blow away, but nothing that would make her look indecent. Then she even started to look scratched up all over her body despite nothing scratching her. “For everybody who is looking up to me… for everybody who I want to protect… I’ll defeat you! Even if it means never crying again, I won’t let you pass!”

The energy around Chloe’s fist and the crab’s claw intensified even more, as did the bursts of wind continuously flying out from between them.

Chloe then fell to one knee, but she didn’t let the punch end. She kept her fist exactly where it was before.

The crab looked like he was about to win, especially as his fist glowed even brighter than Chloe’s… but then Chloe’s shone even more brilliantly, and cracks appeared all throughout the crab’s claw.

The next moment, the crab’s claw shattered and the raw energy poured into Chloe’s fist sent the crab flying through the ocean just as I often sent Window flying through the sky.

The shark boss, Sharricane, who had apparently been watching from the back the entire time… saw what happened and raised a white flag.

And with that, the battle was over before the boss even stepped onto the battlefield.

…

what

“I don’t know, either,” I said.

Chloe then stood up and came running over to us with a wide smile on her face. “I did it!”

“That was… intense,” I said.

“Right? That was so cool! I’ve always loved shounen, too, but I never thought I’d actually get to be in a shounen battle! I love bribery.”

“Wait, what’s bribery have to do with anything?”

“Oh, I told the crab I’d give him a coupon for unlimited pizzas for life if he acted out a super epic battle with me and let me win. I wanted to try scaring the boss so we wouldn’t have to deal with him.”

Claire then landed on the ground next to Chloe and said, “Excellent plan. I did not even get to do anything because of your masterful strategy. Not only have I been deprived of affection, it being stolen by other women, but I have been deprived of proving myself on the field of battle as well.”

…

i have a feeling no serious battle will ever happen again