“T-minus 50 minutes to launch”…
Okay—Deep breath… you got this. There's no guarantee that the person who’s spot I took would've even made it this far, right?
It was only the end to the start of my journey and a flicker of guilt had me stuck, only made worse by the fiery debate between anxiety and logic exchanged across my mind. As the announcement made its way through the now-deserted launch base, it drew my attention upward and across the access arm - stood there with arms crossed and no doubt waiting for the remaining stragglers, were three of the boarding crew, backdropped by the last ticket out of here. It had been hard to miss the constant launches over the last decade but seeing one up close was something else. A mass of steel and carbon fibre that appeared way too heavy to launch - even without the space-shuttle-like ferry attached to it.
As I stepped out, my feet felt unsteady as the boardwalk swayed in concert with waves of dust battering its windows. The small gaps let in faint howls of wind and whispered creaks from the supports, offering no reassurance that it would hold. Each step slowly relinquished any doubts as I gained on the rocket and cast my eyes outside to the charred and dying landscape.
There wasn’t much to say goodbye to - no green grass or trees, just dust right out to the horizon. Pausing for a moment, I tried to take it all in for one final time, convincing myself of the billions of people left behind that many gave up hope or would kill me to be in this position - an effective narrative I often repeated to myself in order to suppress my guilt. It worked until a voice abruptly cut through it, followed by a gentle but firm slap to my back.
“How’re you holdin’ up there?…. Jeremy..” he said, raising his hand in introduction and pushing further into my field of vision.
“Uh A..Alex” I responded, shaking his hand whilst rolling my shoulder to dislodge the unexpected small talk.
He had thick framed glasses resting atop of a smile that seemed genuine though misfitting the situation. His smile was the only tell of youth on his weathered face, looking late-thirties rather than the mid-twenties that he’d likely be. Despite that, he was clean cut and well-dressed compared to my beaten and exhausted appearance…an obvious sign that we had two very different journeys up to this point.
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As we made our way to the boarding crew, it was easy to tell that Jeremy’s seat on the ferry was a sure thing. He was calm and collected, even when faced by one of the thug-like crewmen.
“You payin’ attention!? You guys are the last to board and I ain’t wasting anymore time on this hellhole” the crewman shouted while aggressively tightening Jeremy’s suit.
Oddly enough, the smile didn’t fade on Jeremy’s face, even quipping to the crewman “life as a ferryman a bit lonely is it?” The crewman locked in his helmet and swung Jeremy through the door, where he went crashing down to the floor.
“I’ll see you up there” spat the crewman. He pointed up to the sky with eyes locked on Jeremy before he turned his attention to me. The crewman snatched the helmet from under my arm, slammed it over my head and pushed me through the door with a final ‘good luck’.
“T - 20 minutes to launch”
On the ground, and with the pain still leaving my finger tips from the nerves down my shoulder, the new announcement got me to my feet. The room was quite cozy with a long stretching ladder etched into the wall extending down to the floor. Looking up and with a sense of unease at the climb, I wrapped my hand around the first rung and heaved myself up - until Jeremy pulled me back off. Unable to hear through the helmets and with no voice-link, he motioned me over to a hatch further to the left.
Inside there were tensioned steel ropes that hung down the long vertical shaft. Reaching into a compartment, Jeremy grabbed a couple of harnesses, hooking himself up, before helping me connect to a steel rope. I had little time at all to think about how he knew all this before we were zipping up, stopping at each break that had a hatch to check for vacant seats.
“T - 5 minutes to launch”
Shortly after the countdown hit 5 minutes we found a break-point with a vacant seat. Scrambling through the hatch door, I turned, and passed back my harness to Jeremy. He threw a casual salute goodbye and shut the hatch door behind me. I felt alone, hardly noticing the burning gazes from the other passengers who no doubt thought I’d be turned into a deadly projectile any minute. I fumbled under pressure getting onto the seat as they were facing vertical (like a plane flipped 90 degrees). My hands and body trembled as I tried to untwist my harness until finally, I felt the clicks of the buckles locking into place. With hardly any time to get my heart rate under control, the countdown struck single digits.
“Five… Four… Three…Two… One”
The lag between the countdown hitting zero and the engines igniting felt like time stood still, leaving me plenty of time to imagine several disaster scenarios in rapid succession. Suddenly the muffled roar turned ferocious as the vibration finally reached my seat as it made its way through the whole rocket. My body trailed behind my mind as it was pushed into the seat - a feeling unknown to nor one I was prepared for. The pressure of sudden acceleration left every bit of anxiety back on the ground replaced by a clear, adrenaline filled mind that could hear every noise and feel every adjustment on our way up.
An overload of new sensory experience and force had my vision flickering like a faulty lightbulb and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could last before it blew.