Back in the southern sun tribe, their elder shaman used to say that deeply lingering on memories were inconsequential. What matters is today's real work and tomorrow's rewards, he used to say. Lei'la never trusted him. She didn't trust their elder weaver either. There was something about the stories they tell, and the weave they make that always struck her as corrupted. Parts of what her elders said to her didn't make sense. How can divine stories ever serve as disempowerment to other tribes? How come they use elder authority as a tool to illustrate how their own tribe was better? It never made sense. If they have to tell it over and over again, how credible is it?
She had always felt ashamed for distrusting her elders. They took her in as an orphan. It was shameful to be gathering doubts of their teachings when their very purpose was to teach children like her to have a better life. Yet, at the back of her mind, the pounding urge to unravel the poison in her weave stayed. How better could her life be if it were built with lies?
“My memories lie to me.” said Lei'la, walking at a pace with River.
What is that now?
“When I get alone, my memories are different from what I remember. The fire stones show a better past, a happier memory. But it isn't what I remember. It confounds me. I don’t know what to believe in at all.”
Emotions have a way of distorting memories. Sometimes I wonder what my real past looks like.
The two of them walked back downhill in contemplative silence.
Lei’la peered over her shoulder to watch the forest as they left, astonished that her deception to River hadn’t complicated their trip. Even more surprised that they came out of the forest unscathed with not a scratch on their person. She had lied about the eternal beasts. Not all of them had been fenced in the wildlands. Not successfully. Most of the real dangerous predators still lurk around the forest, most especially at night. It was a hostile environment no one would ever dare to step in.
But there were no dangers out and about to swallow them whole. Which was extra confounding. Dark tribespeople had always told her the forest come nightfall would have been fatal for their lives. Dark tales abound around the forest when the moon comes out but it didn’t come out tonight. It was a fact of the matter that no one dare question.
Right then, Lei’la felt a rising panic. A sharp anxiety threatening to swallow her whole. There were so many lies. Deception that spun around that she can’t see straight. The second the god tribespeople unified the rest of the tribes was the moment her weave has gotten hazier, murkier. They had told her stories, simple facts that she could never find credible enough and yet the rest of the others seem to believe them with no problem.
Was this another lie to keep them fenced in the city? A calculated deception by a god tribe who were previously so out-of-touch for generations before they joined the rest of the tribes?
How many lies have En’tum, U’tu and Hell‘ina have told her?
Did she really readily believe what the dark tribespeople told her?
What any of them told her?
Making matters worse, Lei’la’s memories were unreliable. For the longest time, she thought U’tu was angry at her that fateful day long ago. It had been the first time they met. U’tu had a stressful day in classes. And she was looking for a place to sleep. Back then, she was just an orphan, too embarassed of her status so when he extended a hand to reach for her, it was all she could do not to reach back. This boy, the heir apparent of the sun prince, had been gazing at her like she wasn’t wrecked in mud with a worn-out leather dress she hadn’t changed in for days. The way his eyes glinted at her under the sun like she was brand-new. Not at all like the listless child she had been used to feeling. The time he spent that day with her was like a drop of water in a vast desert. Precious and vital. Menumere Varaki.
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That day was perfect.
Until they came home to En’tum who recognized her at first sight. Since then, all she started to remember from that day were riotous waves of burning shame. Yet, the fire stones revealed a sight of U’tu in her memories. It revealed what he looked like when she wasn’t looking. It almost looked like her feelings were reciprocated. It seemed like he didn’t mind at all that he was running amok, playing pranks with an orphaned girl.
“The fire stone show a different aspect of my memories.” said Lei’la. “I wish to know if it delivers truth.”
What is to be done about it?
They stopped at the boundary between paved cement and moist grass. Dawn kissed the warm sky as it had always done, but seeing it today made her remember how it felt when she saw dawn at the peak of a battle trial mountain. Back on those better days when she and U’tu lived for nothing and everything.
There was a niggling intuition in the back of her mind. But the answer is far away and she can’t access it.
She knew in her heart that she needed to find that answer. Or else she will die a little more inside every day for the rest of her days.
She has to know.
Know for sure that her happiest memories can’t all revolve around U’tu.
The fire stones had showed truths. Or it might have been lies, who is to know for sure? It seemed like each and every fondest memories she ever had revolved solely around U’tu. And the clarity frightened her. She knew she had reserved some helpless affections for that stone-cold hunter. And that can’t happen. Now that she knew there was a potential fiery power inside her. A power accessed by ancients. Perhaps there is more.
More than U’tu.
More than her orphaned reputation among the tribes.
And more than the heartbreak she used to find solace on.
“I’m ready to know more” she said. More to herself than anyone else.
River held her hand, a deep knowing swimming behind her eyes like she held all the patience in the world. I’m with you.
“We don’t have time to waste. We need to pack bags and go.”
Glitters sparked in her expression, are we getting away? That’s exactly in my wheelhouse. I got you. We’re in this together.
----------------------------------------
Back in the weaver’s building, River ran through every possibilities on how it can all go wrong. Like a fully-oiled clockwork, her mind began its descent to girl scout level preparation but she stopped short.
It was deep into the night, the strange moon at its fully rounded glow. She remembered how lost Lei’la had looked. It was familiar. It was the same lost look that stared back at her in the mirror for the longest time. Her heart reached out for the teenage kid as though she were her own sister.
There was no doubt about it.
River would do just about anything to fix whatever plagues her, come hell or high water.
Am I being a bad friend if I’m letting you do this? She asked her. They had already pack two backpacks, and were filling up two baskets for rations.
“Don’t be silly. I’m trained for this.” She executed an expert flourish with her dagger before sheathing it back to her belt. Both of them wore embroidered leather dresses with matching pants.
Why haven’t you done it before then?
“I don’t know” she looked at the window, “I’ve always followed around En’tum and U’tu ever since we were young. It’s all I’ve ever known.”
I imagine you have lots of friends here?
A sad smile. “Used to. But we had to go separate ways. Too busy, you know?”
Yeah. I get that.
“It’s been a long time since I have ever felt this.. hopeful. Isn’t that silly?”
No. It isn’t.
She nodded, staring down at the baskets. “I’m glad the behagthi is with me. Otherwise I won’t have the courage.”
Don’t be silly. I’m sure if you really wanted to, you can have adventures all on your own.
She giggled while taking in the weaver’s room that she used to spend thousand of hours in. There was a relaxed way about her, a determination in her expression that almost seemed peaceful. “I imagined that for a really long time. Have my own victory blanket, you know? I never really had the courage to forge a path on my own until now.”
Hm. What would U’tu do now that you’re not there to make his victory blanket?
“Fuck him. He and U’tu can go to hell.” She seethed, a pained look crossing her face.
Frowning, It isn’t right. The way they treat you.
They both fell silent. Lei’la pulling in huge lungfuls of breath, shoulders shaking.
Hey. River called to her as soon as her tears appeared. I’m with you on this one. You got me. Whatver you need to do, I’m here.
Several moments passed before she calmed down a bit, wiping tears off her cheeks, hiccuping “What is hey?”