After escaping the Temple of Elemental Fashion, Wyndy and Shadow escorted Count Rassler through the docks and then other parts of the town. Basically the whole town really – it wasn’t that big of a town.
Rassler was getting a bit hungry, but hadn’t recovered from the discovery that grubs-in-sauce was a thing, so avoided the food and drink stands. He did enjoy an acrobatic display, and collected tourist pamphlets for the volcanic springs at the Bronze Citadel and sea elf guided undersea tours of the kraken’s cave. He planned to use the pamphlets to test and improve his reading skills.
They spoke mostly in High Goblin, which was further exhausting for Rassler, and the brain power required to process the conjugations and declinations added to his hunger.
“Okay, you’ve done well, and we’ve seen the best parts of our city, so let me reward you with a nice meal of human food. It is just down this street,” said Wyndy, as she turned down a street on which Rassler could smell smoke.
There was an inn ahead, with a boisterous crowd inside and the smell of roast meats about it. The sign on the inn read “The Bleeding Edge” and had a picture of a short bloody blade.
“Is this where we are going?”
“Oh, no. The Bleeding Edge is an Engineer’s tavern. We aren’t going there. I told my father I would keep you safe.” Wyndy and Shadow both sped up to get past the tavern more quickly.
Wyndy pointed at a sign hanging off a building further along. The sign had a picture of a sitting unicorn, with its arms crossed and looking annoyed. “The smuggler’s tavern down the street is much safer. We are heading there.”
Shadow sounded relieved.
Three goblins and a couple of dwarves came out of the door holding a metal globe, just big enough to fit in the dwarves hand. They brought it out to the middle of the street and set a string on the bottom on fire, then they all ran away from it. Wyndy and Rassler ran behind Shadow, who covered his eyes with his paws. The globe exploded with a very large boom for what hadn’t been a large object, blowing two of the goblins back to the wall by Wyndy, almost hitting her.
The group of dwarves and goblins, whom Rassler figured for some sort of fire cultists, hugged each other and started jumping up and down, chanting:
“En-gin-eers, En-gin-eers
A danger to ourselves
And everyone around us!”
They chanted it together four times, each time louder, then cheered. Some goblins were watching from the tavern window, and they cheered along.
As they entered the tavern, the smallest goblin called out “And also to our enemies! We are also dangerous to our enemies!”
This new idea was met with approval from the other goblins and deserves. “Yes, arrh, our enemies better watch out!” Rassler couldn't tell if it were a goblin or dwarf that said it.
As the group re-entered the tavern, Rassler could hear the whole building erupt in another round of the chant.
Wyndy grabbed his arm and dragged him past The Bleeding Edge. Rassler didn't resist, but was considering faking a headache to give him a reason to return to his room at the castle.
“I'm amazed that they managed the prototype so quickly though. I guess it’s good they were all in town for the festival. Myla will be pleased.”
“Prototype? That was something that they were supposed to build? You aren't angry?”
“Worried, oh yes. Angry, no. The royal family asked for a new explosive device, crafted in a size so that goblins riding on dragons can drop them easily on our enemies. The devices are called ‘bombs,’ and we were previously on version ‘E’, which was a large bomb for dragons to carry in their claws and drop. What you just saw would be the new F-Bomb. It is smaller, and ready for goblins to drop.”
Rassler considered himself a military expert, and pondered the implications of the technology. “You are going to have goblins dropping F-Bombs while riding dragons? Your enemies will know you are serious and run away in fright. They will truly stand no chance. I'd almost enjoy watching. ”
“Yes, the new bombs may turn out to be one of our greatest weapons. We will drop many in order to vanquish our enemies. None will even dare oppose us!” Wyndy blushed as a slight cackle escaped her.
Wyndy paused to collect herself and turned to Rassler, and spoke in a lowered voice. “And these are only the start. We are still working on them, and in a couple more versions we may really have something of extreme destructive power.”
Rassler still wanted to know more about these dangerous cultists he'd discovered entrenched in the town, cultists that seemed to offer a lot of potential. “So Engineers are basically all crazy dwarves or goblins?”
“Yes.. I mean, ok, there are also a few orcs and a few humans. But mostly dwarves and goblins.”
“Don’t they fight? I mean, dwarves and goblins were enemies for centuries, right?”
“The thing is that they make too much money.”
“The Engineers make a lot of money?”
“Yes, they have done well, despite some, let’s say, unfortunate mishaps. And our roads and buildings are getting so much better. We have running water in the castle kitchen and our bath. The mines are doing really well. So much gold!. I mean, what are we even going to do with all that gold!?” Wyndy shook her head, perplexed.
But she quickly recovered from her worries, and continued. “The dwarves and goblins had trouble at first, getting along, but then they started making money and realized that if they worked together, they’d all get rich. Now they are friends, and wealthy.”
“I guess that keeps people from fighting – if they know they can make good money and have a good life if they don’t.”
“That’s kind of the story of our whole kingdom, really. I mean, this used to be badlands.” Wyndy waved her arms, indicating the whole city and the whole land.
She became even more animate. “But after the Elves helped my father and his orcs defeat Lothar, they started working together. The elves were great at growing things, and the orcs and goblins were driven, and worked hard. There was no longer any wizard to steal what they built. The land bloomed! So the elves and the orcs got rich together. And I hope that greed continues to win out over bias and hatred, so that I get to grow old. Long may I reign over a happy, fat kingdom where greed has defeated prejudice! Once my parents get bored and decide to retire, of course.”
As she spoke, she pulled him past The Bleeding Edge and reached the inn further along with the sign of the unicorn.
"But here is the place. It used to have a different name and sign, but my mother threatened them and they changed it. Now it is called 'The Inappropriate Unicorn, Who Was Once Worse But Is Now Really Trying Harder Your Highness.' It has some of the best human food in town. The owner is a human, so it is very authentic."
Shadow waited outside on the porch, but looked in through the window to make sure the humans didn’t get up to any shenanigans.
The inn was populated mostly with orcs with pony tails and intricately crafted facial hair, along with a group of goblins dressed entirely in black, with blackened paint around their eyes. Many of them were drinking a strange, dark beverage.
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One of the orcs was holding a large piece of paper on which was printed “Pelsan Gazette, Afternoon Edition.” Just below the banner, Rassler could read the headline “Human Noble Learns About Dental Hygiene, Buys Tooth Brush.”
“Really? Already?” asked Rassler to no one in particular.
A number of the orcs looked up at Rassler as he walked through the room. One of them made a tooth brushing motion, and gave him a thumbs up. Rassler knew from the Intensive Language Course that the orcish thumbs up sign was based on an old sign the archers made before battle, signifying “One shot, one kill.” Rassler assumed it was meant as a sign of approval.
They walked further into the inn, where Rassler could see that there were a number of humans around a table in the back corner.
Rassler realized he recognized the humans.
He said quietly to Wyndy, speaking in High Goblin. “It’s Bowen. Should we leave?”
“Do you want to go back and try our local food from the food stands?”
Rassler suddenly found courage. “You know, I can be civil to them. It isn’t like they will try anything.”
The human group consisted of Bowen, Hargest, and the two Pelsan officers Rassler knew – Adane and Helnae. The humans and were-creatures had been supplemented by the High Priestess of Fashion and three of her acolytes. Rassler noticed that Sionia was seated quite close to Hargest, and Hargest was wearing a medal and had an orcish great bow with him. He and Sionia had the bow laid across their laps, as if cradling their baby.
The group was engrossed in a conversation and didn’t take notice of Rassler and the princess as they approached.
Bowen was saying, “Look, I understand your point, Lady Helnae, but it was clear that the Ring Fellows had to destroy the Power Ring in a volcano. So their actions make sense, and you are being too harsh to them.”
“All I’m saying is that there is more than one volcano on earth. I mean, just here in Pelsa we have three.” Helnae gestured north and then west, in the direction of the two nearest volcanos.
“Indeed,” said Adane. “The volcano near the Bronze Citadel has simply brilliant thermal springs and the most delightful mineral waters. You gentlemen simply must give it a try.”
“That is true,” agreed Helnae, “the springs are great, but to get back to the point, the Human Fellows could have just looked at a map, right? I’m sure there were other volcanoes around. They really didn’t need to take the ring directly to the kingdom of the evil wizard. That was just poor strategic planning!”
“Well, they were trying to save the planet! Do not ignore those men’s great bravery and dedication,” replied Bowen.
“They should have had a woman in the Ring Fellows. A woman would have stopped and asked for directions to another volcano,” said Helnae as Sionia nodded in agreement.
“But it needed to be in that particular volcano,” insisted Hargest.
“No. These guys just didn’t understand geology. They could have asked the Lava Wyrms. All volcanoes are connected to the same source deep underground. Magma is magma. Any volcano would have done. The humans were just being drama queens about it. That whole thing could have been over much sooner, and much more safely.”
Bowen looked up, and as soon as he saw Wyndy he jumped out of his chair and backed to the wall, reaching for a sword that wasn't there. “She's, she's here. She followed us.” He turned toward Wyndy “Please know, Your Highness, that we are not causing any trouble!”
“Relax. I'm not going to incinerate you today,” Wyndy said as she held out her arms to show she had no weapons. Her words and gestures did nothing to reassure Sir Bowen, who backed further away. “Humans, you are so jumpy. I mean, just because I electrocuted you once doesn't mean that I'm going to do it each time we meet.”
Hargest tried to stand up, but Sionia forced him back down. Instead, she stood up and ran to Wyndy.
“Wyndy, you came! Oh, I need you to meet my new human male!”
“Him? Yes, we’ve met.” Wyndy waved a princessy wave at Hargest. Bowen stayed away, with a chair between him and the royal sorceress. “Welcome, Sir Hargest, Sir Bowen. I hope you are enjoying our town and our festival. I see that Adane and Helnae have introduced you to our high priestess and her acolytes.”
“Wyndy, dear, she introduced herself. Don't put this on me,” said Helnae.
Sionia stood up and went to hug Wyndy. Sionia had an ever-so-slight blush, the first time Wyndy had ever seen her blush.
“I'm so glad you didn't leave any scars on them when you vanquished them.”
Hargest stood up to greet his vanquisher. “Greetings Your Highness, and thank you for your hospitality. And for showing us mercy yesterday. Indeed, you left us with few scars, other than the electrical burn marks on my back.”
Sionia looked shocked. “Oh, Hargy, don't worry. We'll talk to The Circle and get you all fixed up.”
First Wyndy looked at the SFAC-branded scarf that Hargest was wearing. Then she registered that he was holding a weapon.
Wyndy pointed to the orcish great bow that Hargest was holding. “Why exactly is the prisoner armed?”
“He was in the archery competition. Oh, and he shot so well! He made it through the second round and will be in the semi-finals tomorrow!” Sionia was almost bouncing with excitement about a competition that before today she hadn't known existed.
“Oh, yes, that is interesting. And perhaps helpful. I'm sorry I missed that. But still, could you hold the bow? It doesn't look quite right if our prisoners of war are going around armed.”
“Yes, princess, as you command.” Sionia then turned and leaned down to Hargest. “Hey, Hargy, I'm going to hold your…bow. Give me that big bow of yours! I will keep it until y…”
Wyndy cut Sionia off. “No! No! Just no! You are a High Priestess and you two just met and just, just stop!”
“Right, you are right, Your Highness.” Sionia leaned in to whisper to Wyndy. “Did you see the muscles though? Oh my gods! Muscles are very much in fashion this year.”
Wyndy grabbed the bow and handed it to Helnae. Wyndy then grabbed Sionia and took her to the entrance of the kitchen, away from the others.
Rassler tried to make sense of the implications of Sionia and Hargest’s new romance. Here he was, a major noble, whom ladies in his native land had swooned for, and he didn’t feel the princess was even taking him seriously. But yet, this landless knight had managed to interest a beautiful high priestess on his first day of freedom in the city.
He stared harder at Hargest. He wasn’t really as handsome as Rassler, but the muscles were bigger. And Hargest just had a military bearing that Rassler couldn’t imitate. Hargest just looked the part of a knight, leading a charge.
That must be what the ladies of Pelsa liked. It was a harsh land, and Wyndy’s father had been a general, had earned his kingdom with a sword.
Rassler decided he needed to show Wyndy that side of him. The military leader side.
But as Rassler was contemplating what a military leader he was, he also came around to contemplating that he was now left with Bowen and Hargest in the dining room, without Wyndy to protect him. He followed the two women to the back of the inn.
As he approached them, he heard as Wyndy scolded the high priestess. “Sionia, grab a hold of yourself. This city is full of well-muscled males of all shapes and sizes. Why are you acting like this about some human?”
Sionia replied, saying, “But he is a human! I mean, wow, so exotic! I’d hardly ever talked to a human before, and then you brought us a bunch of them, and now we can check them out! It is the will of the gods! And that Hargest, he is so cute, like a kitten, but all buff!”
“Or stupid. They invaded a kingdom populated with thousands of orc and buggebears and all sorts of creatures with only fifty human men. I mean, he can't have that much going on upstairs.”
“Well, our Sir Hargest says they weren’t really trying to invade. And anyway, dearest, intelligence in males is overrated. It is much better for everyone involved if they just listen to what the woman tells them to do, without thinking about it too much.”
Sionia had laid down a proposition, against which Rassler was happy to hear Wyndy raise countervailing evidence. “Males are not fashion accessories. Some can be very useful. My parents, for example, have a partnership.”
“Your father is the king though, it is different.”
“And my mother is queen. And neither of them could have done it without the other. And they still like each other, despite being married so long. They specialize. He is really good at scaring people and at blowing things up.”
Sionia had her own counterpoint. “Well, Hargy is really good at being pleasant to look at. He’s a good archer. And he seems to be a proper male. He knows how to behave. The invasion was not his idea, so he is maybe not as dumb as you think. Just loyal.”
They both then looked over and saw Rassler had followed them into the back. They smiled at him, and Sionia waved.
Rassler was trying to come up with something witty to say to defend the honor of men, but then noticed that his two men were cooking in the kitchen. He left the two women and walked toward the large grill in the back.
“Vastien? You are here? And Greymil?”
“Oh, hello sir,” said Rassler’s squire Greymil, as he stabbed and turned over a chicken on the grill. Vastien looked on and directed. “It’s good to see you sir. You’ve come to eat here, yeah? Or were you looking for us?”
“Hello my lord,” said Vastien.
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, I’m cooking, aren’t I?”
“I can see that you are cooking. But why are you cooking?” asked Rassler.
“We needed jobs, didn’t we? I mean, we aren’t going back, are we?” replied Vastien.
Rassler was offended by Vastien’s lack of faith, but was happy that at least today he’d be eating a meal prepared by his old cook. That gave him some confidence in the food of the inn. Vastien had never poisoned him in twelve years of service back in Keley, so Rassler figured he was okay here.
Greymil, Rassler's maybe now-former squire, looked to his count, worried. “Are we sir? You think we are going back?”
“I’m working on it. Maybe. I don’t know.” Rassler himself wished somebody would tell him. Certainly Jend’s Kingdom of Pelsa had more than enough military power to restore Rassler to his county. He just had to convince the royal family. Which meant convincing Princes Wyndy, and then maybe her mother.
“Working on it, yeah. Well, let us know how that goes for you. My lord.”
“Coming north was your idea, Vastien. Remember?”
“Aye, sir. I was trying to save your neck. The guards told me the warrant was for you dead or alive, which always means they’d already decided,” Vastien replied in a low voice.
“Indeed. And I thank you. It has worked so far. I’m alive, we are all alive. And, it may still work out and we’ll be back in our fair city of Keley in a month.”
Rassler still had faith in his ability to impress and woo the princess. And he had a new plan on how to do it.
“Sure, my lord. A month.”