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King Jend’s Loyal Creatures [Comedy, High Fantasy]
Chapter 11: Count Rassler Learns About the Local Culture

Chapter 11: Count Rassler Learns About the Local Culture

The day after the battle at Bastian’s Bend, Rassler didn’t see much of the princesses. He was dimly aware of seeing them in the courtyard in the early morning, carrying two satchels of scrolls and setting out with their wolves and goblins, along with an escorting dragon for some reason. They didn’t appear again until evening, arriving back exhausted and then stomping off toward the baths while their wolves rolled over on their backs and slept. The one he understood was called Fluffy then headed down to the town, and the one called Shadow headed toward the kitchens.

The day had not been a loss though. The castle goblins took them on a tour of the fortress grounds, and made sure they were satisfied with their rooms. They were fed a large breakfast and a larger lunch. The highlight was the visit by a pair of young tailors, one a tallish goblin and the other a shortish elf, so about the same height. They measured Rassler, Vastien, and Greymil and promised they would return the next day with a "selection of general daywear as well as special festive clothing for you fine gentlemen."

Indeed, the next morning, not long after another large breakfast, a package with four sets of clothing arrived in each of their rooms. The attire ranged from a couple of simple but well-fitting casual tunics and trousers to a more complex and elegant ensemble one might wear to a nobles’ party, to finally a very formal coat, waistcoat, trousers and silk scarf, which Rassler supposed was intended for the Equinox Celebration the next day. All of it was of the highest quality and had a perfect fit. The design was much less frilly and not nearly as ornate as what the style was in Vathary at the time, but instead went for an elegant but simple, almost stark, look.

While Rassler was trying on the somewhat-formal party clothing, there came a knock at the door. Opening it, he was greeted by Princess Wyndyn who smiled at him and said "Count Rassler. Good morning to you! The festival will start soon, so it is time to show you around!"

Rassler quietly thanked the goddess Hestia that he'd been surprised while well-dressed5. "Princess Wyndyn, but this is as pleasant as it is unexpected. I would be very happy to see your fair city. Shall I bring my men?"

"Oh, do not worry about them. Sergeant Dorchek is in town, and he volunteered to take your two men to the festival and introduce them around. Dorchy is considered something of an expert on dealing with humans."

"I had thought the celebration wasn't until tomorrow, but again, thank you for that consideration for my men, my lady. "

"Tomorrow is the official formal party in the Great Mother’s honor at the castle, on the day of the Equinox. But today the town festival starts. It takes place across most of the town, and there are booths, and games, and great food, and music! It runs for three days. You will like it, I promise."

"That sounds wonderful. I am very excited to see it. I am honored to go with you, princess. It is just you and I that will be going?" Rassler asked, the anticipation evident in his voice.

"Well, my father suggested, since you are being hunted by an entire human kingdom and all, that Shadow should go with us. He said it was then fine for me to take you to the festival."

Rassler looked further down the hall. There, to his horror, he saw Shadow sitting at the end of the hall by the stairs. Shadow looked directly at Rassler and licked his lips.

"You see, my father and Shadow talked, and Shadow pledged to keep a very close eye on you. You will be perfectly safe in the festival! Shadow is well known as one of the most ferocious of the giant wolves!"

Shadow continued looking directly at Rassler and slowly nodded his head.

"But just as a secret between us here, I can tell you that Shadow is really a big sweety."

The giant wolf, who still maintained unblinking eye contact with Rassler, shook his head side-to-side.

Rassler tried not to let his nervousness about the wolf show, but Wyndy could still pick up that he was clearly uncertain about the situation.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “There is no way that those Vatharians can get you! In addition to Shadow, you’ll be surrounded by orcs, goblins, buggebears, dragons, trolls, awakened trees, bat-folk, and other giant wolves! Many of them are in the military and are trained killers. Some are armed to the teeth. Others just have really sharp teeth. So you will be perfectly safe. It will be fun!”

Count Rassler would normally not go out among his human subjects in even the most secure parts of his fiefdom without a minimum of six trusted guards, so a street festival in Pelsa guarded by only a single giant wolf of suspect motivations was something of a stretch for him.

Every bit of his self-preservation instinct told him to stay in the castle. But, well, the princess was beautiful, and beautiful women have sort of ability to shut down what few good judgements sensors young men possess. Not to mention that Rassler knew the woman's parents might be able to get Rassler's lands back, should they so wish. So Rassler finished buttoning his coat, and stepped out with Princess Wyndyn to go into the town. Shadow followed closely behind.

"Also, I am a sorceress and can incinerate eighty percent of targets at ninety yards within one to four seconds. And the last exam was two months ago, so I am probably better than that now."

"Brilliant,” he said. “Good to know. I will certainly keep that in mind."

As they emerged from the castle Rassler saw that where previously the hillside leading to the castle had been kept bare, it was now densely covered in trees.

Wyndy asked him "Would you like to travel down to the town by the road, or by trees?"

"Trees? How can we travel …"

But a moment after Rassler had said "trees" the branches nearest him moved quickly, grabbed him, and began passing him tree-to-tree down the hill. He screamed, but then saw Wyndy walking lightly on top of the branches, as the trees formed a path for her. She smiled at Rassler and pointed to a large branch in front of her, where the trees gently set him down.

"Some of the trees here are awake, you see. They can move and are, of course, full citizens of Pelsa."

"Right, good. So they do hillside transportation?"

The tree they were standing on answered him, speaking with an accent that evoked the sound of leaves rustling. "Just for the Equinox celebrations. A few of the groves volunteer and take turns. We can make a path down for you to walk, or we can pass you down the hill if you hold out your arms like this." The tree raised two of its higher branches perpendicular to its trunk.

Rassler was getting his bearings, standing on the branch, and using a few smaller branches at his side for balance. "Thank you for the offer. Perhaps I will try to walk down the path of branches. Our fair princess seems good at it."

The branches started to form a pathway from Rassler down the hill. Wyndy patted one of the branches and said "Thank you, Vetev. I hope Briza and your saplings are doing well!"

The tree answered, "Thank you, Your Highness. They are indeed growing nicely, by grace of the Great Mother. I will pass them your regards."

Wyndy advanced down the hillside. Stepping from branch to branch from tree to animate tree, balancing easily even in her somewhat formal dress and shoes. She looked back and motioned Rassler to follow.

The tree let go of Rassler's shoulders, but kept protective leaves close as Rassler took a tentative step along the branch. As he did so, it bent to the right to connect to the next tree down the hill.

As he approached Wyndy, she pointed to a group of giggling elf and orc children acrobatically swinging down the hill. "You see, the kids love it! This was always my favorite part of the Equinox."

Rassler and Wyndy headed down the hill via the forming path of branches, Rassler gaining in confidence as he went. A few times he came close to falling, but found the trees raised other limbs to catch and support him. He was almost enjoying himself. On the ground below, Shadow bounded down the hill, staying a few yards ahead of the pair in the trees.

They caught up to his squire Greymil and the buggebear Sergeant Dorchek who were also making their way down the hill via the branch path formed by the trees. Greymil, Rassler’s squire and not much more than a boy himself, seemed to find it great fun, even traveling by swinging from limb to limb in some of the places, chasing after Dorchy.

Rassler’s cook Vastien didn’t seem to be having as good of a time. Rassler spotted Vastien well away, still well up the hill and walking down the long staircase. Vastien wasn’t one for pathways high amongst the trees.

Wyndy herself didn’t swing so much as glide along the branches, never a step out of place or even a hint of being off-balance. Rassler wasn’t sure if she were employing magic, or had just grown up dancing lightly through the treetops.

They reached the bottom of the hill, emerging from the small, moving forest near an amphitheater. The open-air auditorium consisted of an oval on the ground, on which was built a wooden stage, surrounded by twenty rows of seats. There was an open gate through which a steady stream of creatures entered. Wyndy joined the queue to enter, and Rassler noticed many in the crowd nodding to her with respect, and that there were more than a few of curious stares directed at him.

As they entered the seating area a herald-orc called out something. Wyndy quickly turned to Rassler and translated “Oh, they are welcoming the heroes from the battle.”

Rassler started to raise his hands in greeting, but before he could two of the orcs lifted Wyndy onto their shoulders. Four of the buggebears lifted a slightly-surprised Shadow to theirs. The crowd went wild. The entire arena rose to its feet and began loud cheering, howling and stomping, while Wyndy waved and Shadow wagged to the crowd.

Rassler was ignored until a couple of minutes into the cheering when the herald-orc yelled again, this time speaking in Common Vatharian so that Rassler could understand, “And we should also welcome our guest, the human noble saved by the princesses and their mighty forces: Count Rassler, a good human who was driven from his home by bad humans!”

The crowd gave a cheer for Rassler too, although much more subdued. One of the larger orc women seemed moved by his fate and loss of his home, and came over and gave the count a big hug, tears flowing at the thought of the poor lost human.

They were soon shown to a seat, in a central section with a nice view. The creatures cleared out an area for the three to sit, with Rassler alongside Wyndy and Shadow right behind them.

A pack of giant wolves was coming on stage and forming into a choir. They were joined by two normal-sized wolves, three particularly large foxes, a brown weiner dog and a very scruffy terrier. As the choir formed into lines they did a few warm-up howls, working to bring their tuning into sync.

When the choir looked ready to begin, Wyndy leaned over to Count Rassler and whispered into his ear. “The first piece is called ‘The Lament of the Hunting Wolf’ and it is one of the great wolf classics. It is considered central to their culture.”

The choir went silent, and a spotlight focused on a young male giant wolf, center stage. Rassler recognized the wolf as the one called “Fluffy,” whom he’d seen wounded after the battle. Indeed Fluffy wore a bandage over his chest, and looked quite proud of it.

There were a number of female giant wolves in the front rows who looked at him with big eyes, entranced. Rassler noticed that most of these wolves wore shirts that had the letters “SFAC” written on them, and many had stylish silky scarves.

Rassler indicated Fluffy and said to Wyndy “That is one of the other wolves from the battle, right? He seems a very serious wolf.”

Shadow made a soft growl, followed by two quick coughs.

Wyndy replied to Shadow, “Hush. He’s worked hard on this.”

Fluffy began to howl, a low soft howl that soon raised in pitch and strength. After a dramatic pause, the rest of the choir joined in with a stunning five-part harmony of howls and yelps. Rassler felt the sound reverberate deeply in his very being, a primordial feeling that told his humanoid self to flee immediately. That Shadow sat just behind Rassler, breathing down his neck, intensified the impulse. It was all Rassler could do to stay seated.

Wyndy translated for Rassler as the wolves continued:

“My mother told me to keep my tongue in my mouth while running,

But I was hot.

The temperature was above freezing! The snow was melting!

I let my tongue dangle down.

So low did it dangle.

While I was chasing the deer, I bit my tongue.

Ouch! That really hurts!

Ouch oooouw

Oooooowwww!

How can I do wolf stuff while my tongue hurts so much?

I cannot run fast with this pain!

I certainly cannot chomp down on my prey!

Now the deer are laughing at me, as they speed away.

Woe is to me. I will not eat this afternoon.”

The audience loved it, and Fluffy and the choir received a resounding standing and flying ovation.

Rassler nodded as he considered the impact of the Lament. “Well, okay. I think I get what they are saying, and I can see why that might be important to a wolf. Maybe though it’s better if you don’t translate any more.”

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Wyndy seemed to understand that Rassler might not have fully internalized the song’s complex layers of meaning. “I may not be doing it justice. Some things get lost in translation. In Northern Pointed Canine, it rhymes!”

Rassler wasn’t sure that the rhyming was the issue, and it must have shown on his face, as Wyndy continued, “You know, I just finished reading Howl: Deconstructing Giant Wolf Songs and Poetry – Understanding the Earth Mother’s Sylvan Philosopher Pack. It's a really great book, by one of our top young orc academics, Professor Grdkr. If you’d like, I can meet you after breakfast tomorrow and we can go over the book and the latest thinking about Modern Canine Expressionism.”

“Uh, yes. That would be very, well, nice,” Rassler said. “I'm sure I would enjoy learning more about wolf expressions.”

Shadow snorted, and then made a low growling noise, to which Wyndy replied, “Shadow, again? Just hush. And she does understand giant wolf culture! Just because you don’t doesn’t mean you need to go around complaining about her book. All the other professors agree with her!”

Rassler wasn’t sure what Shadow had said, but he agreed with him.

Shadow made another growling noise.

“What giant wolf empire? That’s a myth!” said Wyndy.

Shadow started to reply, but had to go silent as The Pelsan Canine Choir started their second song, a more up-beat and positive-sounding piece.

“This is called Ode to the Moon’,” explained Wyndy6. “It is another great canine classic.”

“Yes, it sounds interesting. Right, just to ask, are we staying here long? Maybe we should see the rest of the festival?” Rassler felt impatient. He used his handkerchief to wipe giant wolf drool from the back of his neck.

Wyndy was enjoying the show, and she didn't seem to be able to work out why Rassler was uncomfortable. “Well, we should stay until they finish. They are only doing three songs anyway.”

“Is there a program? How do you know they are only doing three songs?”

“The wolves only have three songs. These two, and “Let’s All Go Hunt!” Although I understand that Corporal Luna is working on a fourth one about how tasty meat is.”

They stayed for the last song, which seemed to be a crowd favorite as all the wolves in the audience, and even many of the orcs and buggebears, seemed to know the howls and sang along on the later choruses. By the last noises even Rassler was ready to head out for a hunt with the pack. Shadow and many of the other wolves in the audience had joined the choir onstage, in a near-frenzy of fur and, for some reason, scarves.

"Why do so many creatures have scarves here? Is that some national thing?" asked Rassler as the applause, stomping, and barking died down.

"Yeah, scarves. That’s mostly my sister's doing. She is very business-minded. And now, after the great scarf in the battle… well, scarves are a thing. We'll go by SFAC after the show. We can get you one!" said Wyndy. She then watched as a horde of younger creatures climbed on to the stage. "Oh, you'll like this. It is the first year schoolers!"

Rassler had been standing, hoping they could leave while Shadow was on the stage howling. But Shadow had returned and saw that Wyndy was sitting down, ready to watch the young creatures' performance. He put his paw on Rassler's shoulder and firmly pushed Rassler back down into his seat.

A young buggebear, barely five feet tall, stood on a raised platform in the middle of the stage, holding a potted flower. He yelled out something in a language Rassler didn’t understand, and two young goblins at the edge of the stage held up signs, one in which was clearly written in elvish, which Rassler could read a little, and one which was written in Common Vatharian, which read:

“I am the great General Jend. We lost the battle at the Bronze Citadel. Now we make our final stand against the wizard Lothar. But we need allies who are friends of the Earth Mother to defeat Lothar. What should we do?”

Another child, this one a tiny elf girl stood at the front of the stage and sang a short song. The goblins put up cards reading:

“I am the Great Mother. I will send my most devoted and talented followers, The Circle, to help General Jend!”

A group of children and pups of a variety of shapes and sizes climbed onto the stage in and formed a circle around a single larger orc girl, who gave a speech in what Rassler could tell was the elven language, speaking a lot more fluently than Rassler himself could manage in the language. The card goblins held up new cards reading

“I am Aida, and with the blessing of the Great Goddess I can channel the power of nature. We will help you defeat the evil wizard Lothar and his almost-as-evil son Dretter!”

Jend gave Aida the flower. What looked like the rest of the school class came on stage, and formed into two “armies” that growled at each other for a moment, and each sang a short song.

An orc child dressed in a cloak and with a long beard stood before the child playing Jend and made a short speech. The cards read:

“I the Sky Father tell you General Jend: This is your chance, do not mess it up”7

All the children cheered the Sky Father’s speech.

The performance went on to show Jend and Aida’s army defeating the wizard, with the wizard and his evil dragon having a very dramatic death scene center stage. The children of the wizard’s army surrendered and joined the victorious side, forming one big group. Lothar’s son Dretter was shown sneaking off and vowing revenge, as the show ended with a big group song to much applause. The only mishap was when a young dragon, part of the “good” army, accidentally lit the scenery on fire. The attending teachers had the fire out almost instantly, though.

The card goblins held up their final card.

“So children, listen to your parents! For the evil Dretter still lurks and will come grab you if you do something bad!”

As the children ran to their parents in the audience, Rassler, Shadow, and Wyndy filed out of the amphitheater. Rassler asked Wyndy about the show. “I heard Elvish being spoken in parts of the show, but most of it was in your other language. Does everybody here understand the same language?”

Wyndy replied, “Of course, yes. We speak High Goblin here. That is what most of the show was in. It was a language that my parents worked on, and made the language of their kingdom. It was based on the trading language of the tribes of the north, and has some words from Orcoi and some from Cave Goblin, which themselves were related languages anyway. The trade language was somewhere in between the dialects, so they made it into the full and standard language. It does have a lot of words borrowed from Common Vatharian and Modern Elven, although we say them our way.”

“But part of the play was in Elven, and the orc girl spoke it well,” Rassler said.

“Of course! Here in Lagar’s Haven, the schools are bilingual. We have classes in both languages, although more in High Goblin than in Modern Elven. Some study Common Vatharian too. In the villages, they have to have at least a couple of hours of Elven per week.”

Rassler had suffered through hours of Elven classes himself, to little effect. He said “But it must be very hard, to have orc and goblin kids get anywhere with Elven.”

Wyndy turned them down a street, heading to what looked like a large metal hut. “The orcish and the elven languages are related, so it isn’t so hard to learn one if you know the other. Very different pronunciation, though. Four thousand years ago it was all one language, and then they started splitting off as the groups moved apart and lost contact."

"Elves and orcs spoke the same language? How was that?"

"They spoke the same language because they were the same people. Ask my mother. She can explain it. She was born and raised an elf, then married an orc guy, so she knows everything about all the languages and all the peoples."

“The orcs and elves were the same people? Where did they live?”

Wyndy held up her hands in a stop-right-there motion. “Oh, no, no. No! The Elvo-Orcai Homeland problem? Don’t even bring that up. My mother banned further theories on that subject, as the scholars were getting really intense about it. There were many injuries.”

“Okay, but what about goblins? Can we ask about their origins?”

“Yeah, goblins are basically just short orcs, but neither group likes to admit that. Their languages were already mutually comprehensible.”

She tapped her finger to her throat, and said “But that reminds me. Myla set up an appointment for you with Bedo, so that you can understand us better. Then we won't have to spend the whole festival speaking Vatharian.”

“Who is Bedo?”

“Bedo is Myla's boyfriend. Also a very clever young wizard. One of the best of our generation.”

“He can't possibly be as good as you, my lady. I heard what you did at the battle.”

The look on Wyndy’s face was either a sigh or a smile. “Yes, you are a charming human male, but you only speak one language, so you can't think properly. It’s true that I am better at incinerating things than Bedo will ever be. If you want something blown up, people think of me, or my father. We blow up stuff. I’m told that’s important for a monarch…. But Bedo is very clever with the less violent applications of magic. He is a great scholar, like his own father before him.”

She led them a few blocks through the city, until they came to a large square. Or more of a hexagon. It was surrounded by a jumble of buildings, from single-story wooden ones, looking like they'd been built a hundred years ago, to tall stone buildings which any southern human kingdom would have been proud of. Rassler figured one particularly imposing building to be the town hall.

Food stands had been set up around the square, and Rassler could smell smoke, charred ash, and food cooking, in about that order. Creatures of every size and shape crowded around the stands, and at the makeshift tables that had been setup in the spaces in between.

The stand closest to where they entered was manned by two elves and a goblin. Rassler could make out the name of the stand, written on a banner in Elven: “Tastes of Dhu'Nemos.”

At a table nearby, a young orc girl was bringing her father a roast carrot from the elven stand. The father, a large orc warrior, looked with worry at the elven carrot. He made a good attempt to smile and cut off a bit of the carrot, inspected it closely, and put it in his mouth. His daughter looked on.

“Oh, look, they brought fresh southern swamp peet!” Wyndy pointed at a park at one side of the square with a number of trees. Really too many trees for a small park, all crammed in together. “That is the Tasty Dirt area. The sign says there are two specials today: The Southern Swamp Peet and the Western Grasslands Long-Composted.”

Rassler didn’t see anything even resembling a sign, but he took Wyndy’s word for it. It didn’t seem the type of thing she would joke about.

From the park, Rassler could hear the sound of birds chirping, insects buzzing, and a strong wind, even though it wasn’t a windy day. The trees were swaying side-to-side, in sync.

“Wait, are the trees dancing? Is that music?”

Wyndy patted him on the shoulder, proud of his growing observation skills. “Yes, exactly. The music is what we call ‘Ambient.’ The younger city trees especially love it. Both the awakened and the non-awakened types of trees.” Wyndy sounded happy that Rassler was beginning to understand the cultures of her native land.

From the other side of the square came a noise that sounded like a thousand years of pent-up rage, being released into the air in the form of screaming, banging, and the act of forcing defenseless string instruments to emit loud screeching noise.

Rassler expected to see a major and unnatural catastrophe. “By the gods, what is that noise? Are those people okay?”

Wyndy was already heading in the direction of the sound, beckoning Rassler and Shadow to follow. “Oh, that’s Hompa Chompa! It’s an orc custom. They are making the ‘Call to Dance’. It will start soon. Let’s go watch.”

“What was the noise for? Are they trying to scare off the weak?”

“Well no, but really yes. It isn’t the music that does it, but it’s the dancing that is a test of fitness and strategy. It will come in a minute, after this first song is over. '' Wyndy had now climbed on to Shadow, and rode him across the square. The crowds parted either out of respect for their princess or because she was riding a giant wolf.

Rassler walked quickly behind them to keep up. “Oh, that was music?”

“Yes, of course silly. Once we get you to Bedo, you’ll be able to understand the words and appreciate it more.”

“Right. Well, I like the tune,” Rassler lied. “It is very spirited.”

As they got closer to where the noise had come from, Rassler saw that there was an area in the cobblestones marked off as a dance floor of sorts., on which twenty orc couples, well armored, were stretching. They were joined by two dwarven couples, in full plate mail. An unarmored buggebear couple joined in as the last to make it to the dance floor.

Next to the dance floor was a raised stage, on which a group of orcs, dressed in black with hair almost as long and dark as their cloaks, prepared to play. Rassler noticed their faces were painted with black and gold paint.

The dance-off began with a few minutes of courtly circling and spinning, which would not have looked out of place at a ball held for the noble families of Vathary. In contrast to the sound the band had made earlier, this was music and it was calm, with a moderate three-count beat.

Then came a pause, in which the instruments stopped except for the three orc drummers, who started playing more loudly, with sharp increase in the tempo.

Along with the increase in tempo, there was the first casualty on the dance floor. An orc couple dressed in red, in clear coordination with one of the dwarven couples, both launched at an orc couple wearing matching green helmets. The targeted couple tried to dodge with a spin, but each member of the pair got hit head on by one of the charging couples, and they were hit hard off the dance floor, colliding with one of the trolls in the audience.

The onlookers roared their approval, and the pace of the music picked up again. The other instruments joined the drummer, and the singer began a very deep and throaty song.

An orc couple charged the buggebear pair, but missed. As they turned for another run, they were themselves directly hit by a couple that had charged from across the dance floor, and were booted out. They careened in the direction of Wyndy, but Shadow blocked them.

Rassler held his hands over his ears. “Why is it so loud? How is it so loud?”

Wyndy shouted at him, “Bedo crafted the instruments to be louder than normal. It’s a magic thing. They can get even louder!”

“And the voice?”

“You see the cone the singer is shouting into. That’s been enchanted too.”

“This Bedo doesn’t like people?”

“He is maybe just a little teeny bit anti-social. We’ll go meet him right after this.”

A few more couples, including one of the dwarven couples, were knocked off the dance floor in a large-scale collision caused by the orc couple in red scoring a direct hit on another couple, launching them into a third. The crowd cheered, and the band increased tempo again, playing a new song that was even angrier than the last one.

“What is this song called?” Rassler asked Wyndy over the noise.

“Gods save the Queen,” Wyndy yelled back. “It is about how much they love their queen, since she isn't a human being, and they want the gods to protect her. They are telling the humans that they mean it, you know?”

“So they don't like humans?”

“They are okay with humans. There are some lines on how they are fine with human sight seers and the money they bring, and thank the queen for that.”

“A patriotic song then.”

“Oh yes. We are considering making it our national anthem.” Wyndy slid off Shadow’s back and was almost bouncing with excitement as she watched the dance-off.

“Perhaps give it some more thought before you do anything rash, my lady.”

In the next three minutes, at the ever faster pace, another six couples were knocked off the dance floor. They were down to the final four, which consisted of the remaining dwarven couple, the buggebears, and two orc couples: the one in red and the one in blue. The dwarven couple seemed the crowd favorite.

Wyndy was now watching from behind Shadow, who was himself holding his paws over his ears and looked to be a fairly miserable wolf. When Rassler came over for some shelter from the projectile-like dancers, she said to him, “Oh, this is a good song too. You'll like this. It's called ‘Anarchy in the KP.’ It is about how bad the anarchy was in the region before our kingdom was established.”

“I hadn’t realized you could play a mandolin with your teeth, that quickly …”

There were not much of the courtly dance moves left. It appeared to Rassler that the rules of the dance-off indicated that the couples had to keep moving, and couldn’t stand in one place, as now they were bouncing up and down, while holding hands and bashing against the other couples.

The buggebears were knocked out next, when one tripped while making an attack, and the dwarven couple took advantage of the lapse by hitting the standing one head on, as he was trying to help his partner up.

The crowd was also bouncing up and down, with occasional side-to-side movement and jostling. Wyndy and Rassler were given space, but Rassler could see Wyndy herself jumping in sync with the crowd. He was a lone human in a horde of frenzied bouncing orcs and goblins.

The three remaining couples impacted one another at high speed, and the orc couple in blue went stumbling down, and when they didn’t get up in time they were grabbed by the attendants and pulled off the dance floor. Just the red-dressed orc couple and the dwarves were left.

The crowd’s frenzy reached new heights. As they jumped in place, a chant began. Soon the singer joined in with the chant, and only the drums and the whole square chanting “Hompa Chompa Hompa Hompa Hompa Chompa Hompa Hompa Chompa Chompa Hompa…” could be heard, as the last two couples circled around each other, looking for a chance to strike.

The dance-off lasted only another two minutes, but it felt much longer to Rassler. Time seemed to slow down as orcs and dwarves danced and slammed into each other. The dwarves were quite skilled, using their lower center of gravity to good effect, twice leaving the orcs almost falling over. But in the end, the orcs prevailed, as they spun away from a dwarven charge and the dwarves couldn’t correct in time and stepped off the dance floor.

After the crowd quieted down, at least a bit, and stopped hopping, the goblin-of-ceremonies held the orc couples hand up and presented medals. The dwarves were also presented with runner-up medals.

The contestants and much of the crowd departed for the food and drink stands. Wyndy started riding Shadow toward one corner of the square, and said to Rassler, “They are running another dance-off in the evening. One for beginners. We can get you some dancing armor if you like. You could go with one of the guards. My father doesn’t allow me to participate myself.”

“Maybe next time. I’d need to study up on the rules, so as to not make a faux pax. It seems a rich cultural tradition, and I wouldn’t want to besmirch it.”

“Fair enough,” Wyndy smiled, probably suspecting the truth. “But, now we have to fix you!”

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5The goddess was nearby and replied “You're welcome. My high priestess trained them well, no? Come by the temple and see our latest designs.” But Rassler did not hear the goddess.

6 Translator’s note: I saw the choir perform when I was in Pelsa. They now tour under the name “Colonel Fluffy’s Pelsan-Vatharian All-Star Quadruped Qhoir.” They have six songs, and still perform “Ode to the Moon,” for which I saw the following lyrics in the concert program:

Hey

Hey

Hey everybody, the moon is out.

Look at that shiny moon!

It is out now!

We must howl at the moon.

We are wolves, so it is the thing we do.

Moon-howling, yeah!”

7 Translator’s Note: They claim that the Sky Father said this to Jend before the battle with Lothar. They took it as a divine commandment. “This is your chance, do not mess it up” became the state motto of the Kingdom of Pelsa, and they use it on their coat-of-arms and their money.